A conversation with my ex
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He told me I should be seeing a therapist. That I need help. I realise now, with hindsight, how many times he's told me I need fixing.
He told me about how our relationship was and it sounds like he's talking about another couple. I thought we had a fantastic friendship, that we shared everything, and he has told me if he'd have been honest with himself he would have left years ago. But he's not that good an actor - he can't have hidden all of this so well that I had no idea can he?
He told me about how because I never listened to him he had to act out his addiction. But I don't remember him trying to talk about anything. I remember asking if he was okay when he seemed down a few times, but he'd brush it off.
Thinking back he did used to accuse me of not trusting him if I questioned any little thing he said. But I questioned him when it sounded like what he was saying was wrong. And mostly it would turn out he was wrong. My sister described him as 'always having something to prove', which fits.
I have felt really low recently since talking with him. I thought he'd taken away our future, which was bad enough, but apparently he wants to destroy our history as well. It was mostly destroyed anyway by the idea that he'd been lying for so many years, that he wasn't the person I thought. But now it seems he wants to pin his destructive behaviours on me. I hope he is wrong because I don't want this to be my fault.
He lacks empathy. He doesn't comprehend the extent of the impact of what he's done. Being a single parent when you had no idea that would be the case, working, running a house, going down to one part-time income but trying to maintain a lifestyle that was already simple, not wanting the kids to miss out. And trying to sort out the emotional damage in the few free moments there might be in a week.
I've read on here about people seperating and still supporting their ex. I've tried. I've tried to be amicable because of the children. Turns out that him trying to dump the responsibility of his illegal actions on me is the last straw. Therapy has made him self-righteous. I brought up the arrest in a relevant part of the conversation and he told me I was living in the past.
I will communicate courteously with him regarding the children, but I don't want to talk to him apart from that. I can't take it anymore.
(Back story: knock a year ago, seperated that day, charged with thousands of IIOC possession, waiting sentence, 2 young children together)
He told me about how our relationship was and it sounds like he's talking about another couple. I thought we had a fantastic friendship, that we shared everything, and he has told me if he'd have been honest with himself he would have left years ago. But he's not that good an actor - he can't have hidden all of this so well that I had no idea can he?
He told me about how because I never listened to him he had to act out his addiction. But I don't remember him trying to talk about anything. I remember asking if he was okay when he seemed down a few times, but he'd brush it off.
Thinking back he did used to accuse me of not trusting him if I questioned any little thing he said. But I questioned him when it sounded like what he was saying was wrong. And mostly it would turn out he was wrong. My sister described him as 'always having something to prove', which fits.
I have felt really low recently since talking with him. I thought he'd taken away our future, which was bad enough, but apparently he wants to destroy our history as well. It was mostly destroyed anyway by the idea that he'd been lying for so many years, that he wasn't the person I thought. But now it seems he wants to pin his destructive behaviours on me. I hope he is wrong because I don't want this to be my fault.
He lacks empathy. He doesn't comprehend the extent of the impact of what he's done. Being a single parent when you had no idea that would be the case, working, running a house, going down to one part-time income but trying to maintain a lifestyle that was already simple, not wanting the kids to miss out. And trying to sort out the emotional damage in the few free moments there might be in a week.
I've read on here about people seperating and still supporting their ex. I've tried. I've tried to be amicable because of the children. Turns out that him trying to dump the responsibility of his illegal actions on me is the last straw. Therapy has made him self-righteous. I brought up the arrest in a relevant part of the conversation and he told me I was living in the past.
I will communicate courteously with him regarding the children, but I don't want to talk to him apart from that. I can't take it anymore.
(Back story: knock a year ago, seperated that day, charged with thousands of IIOC possession, waiting sentence, 2 young children together)
Ahh Cloud
I can read how much this has impacted you but please please do not think for one moment this had anything to do with how you are as a person or that you are to blame as this is just not the case at all x
You have been through an awful journey and are doing so well to keep everything going at home and work etc
I have often thought was it anything I diddnt do when my son was growing I think we often carry a burden of guilt but we have done nothing wrong
Dont let his negativity become the normal and Make you take the blame this was his actions and his alone
Be kind to yourself you sound a wonderful person
Just wanted to send you hugs xx
I can read how much this has impacted you but please please do not think for one moment this had anything to do with how you are as a person or that you are to blame as this is just not the case at all x
You have been through an awful journey and are doing so well to keep everything going at home and work etc
I have often thought was it anything I diddnt do when my son was growing I think we often carry a burden of guilt but we have done nothing wrong
Dont let his negativity become the normal and Make you take the blame this was his actions and his alone
Be kind to yourself you sound a wonderful person
Just wanted to send you hugs xx
Hi Cloud,
I'm sorry you've been made to feel like that. Nobody can ever blame someone else for their actions, particularly when their actions are of this nature. It's so easy to blame others instead of taking accountability. My ex blamed me for his drug taking and constant partying, I left him because I believed he did it to escape me. It's just over four years since I left him and he is worse than ever, it was never my fault. You can move on knowing you tried to help and support him. He can sit and tell his therapist his version of events and have his ego fed but you know what happened so please don't let him gaslight you into believing what he would like to believe is the truth.
We can't re-write history or get back years we spent on someone who turned out to be different from who we thought they were but we can rebuild ourselves and have a happy future. I hope you have lots of support and wish you all the best for your future xx
I'm sorry you've been made to feel like that. Nobody can ever blame someone else for their actions, particularly when their actions are of this nature. It's so easy to blame others instead of taking accountability. My ex blamed me for his drug taking and constant partying, I left him because I believed he did it to escape me. It's just over four years since I left him and he is worse than ever, it was never my fault. You can move on knowing you tried to help and support him. He can sit and tell his therapist his version of events and have his ego fed but you know what happened so please don't let him gaslight you into believing what he would like to believe is the truth.
We can't re-write history or get back years we spent on someone who turned out to be different from who we thought they were but we can rebuild ourselves and have a happy future. I hope you have lots of support and wish you all the best for your future xx
Dear Cloud,
I am so sorry ur ex is being a complete and utter kn*bread.
As said above U R NOT TO BLAME for his actions and him doing that is just his easy way of getting out of things. Obviously I don't no u but I'm pretty sure u r a lovely person xx just remember that lovely xx
I am so sorry ur ex is being a complete and utter kn*bread.
As said above U R NOT TO BLAME for his actions and him doing that is just his easy way of getting out of things. Obviously I don't no u but I'm pretty sure u r a lovely person xx just remember that lovely xx
Oh no no no no no...
Cloud, you're not to blame. Trust me.
Genuinley, if he's in therapy that's great but I worry what he's taking away from this therapy... It sounds as if the instances that might have lead him to this are now suddenly due to you and that I can assure you IS NOT the case.
I'll explain;
My husband, we found out after this is most like Autistic and has ADHD... During the 4/5 times he downloaded and sent images to men online to 'get off' on their reaction during his drunken undiagnosed depressive state (high functioning alcoholic at the time in denial) he knew that what he was doing was wrong, he did it anyway.
However and this is why I am able to argue with myself to stay (and partly being in denial but I digress) ... He took therapy steps to uncover why he did it:
He felt a great deal of shame around his confusion on his sexuality. During the years we were together I would shame him for using sex toys (without being aware that what I was doing was so damaging to him and me). I would say that he didn't love me when I found them. I would say the same thing when I found him watching porn. He didn't know and still suffers from communicating his throughts and feelings (potentially due to the Nuerodivergent nature of his brain). He just 'manned up' and cracked on with it, because that's the way he was taught to do things, Stifling everything downwards until he cracked and had a mental health breakdown.
He was working under great strain and didn't know how to give himself a break.
Now I did and said those things because I was greatly insecure and I didn't even know it. I go to therapy to undercover all these things about myself and how it would have had an effect on him. He says that it's not my fault, yet we both acknowledge that the things we have done to each other and said did and do have an effect on how we carry out our relationship on a day to day basis.
We're alot more sexually free together now, it's something that we bond over. I'm more confident (even if it's a tiny bit)... But I'm also more selfish. It makes me so tender about loving someone but that's my issue to deal with.
Our interactions with each other do affect people but please be aware if he tries dumping this on you again, You didn't force him to download those image Cloud.
He did that himself, he chose not to communicate any issues that were wrong. He chose to not address any addiction he was suffering with - not you.
He's obviously not mature enough to say that he messed up and that whilst your time together may have made him feel the way he did, ultimately he pressed download.
We're human beings, were not perfect and some of us need a bit or a lot of grace to survive but that comes at a price of taking responsibility for your actions .
Cloud, you're not to blame. Trust me.
Genuinley, if he's in therapy that's great but I worry what he's taking away from this therapy... It sounds as if the instances that might have lead him to this are now suddenly due to you and that I can assure you IS NOT the case.
I'll explain;
My husband, we found out after this is most like Autistic and has ADHD... During the 4/5 times he downloaded and sent images to men online to 'get off' on their reaction during his drunken undiagnosed depressive state (high functioning alcoholic at the time in denial) he knew that what he was doing was wrong, he did it anyway.
However and this is why I am able to argue with myself to stay (and partly being in denial but I digress) ... He took therapy steps to uncover why he did it:
He felt a great deal of shame around his confusion on his sexuality. During the years we were together I would shame him for using sex toys (without being aware that what I was doing was so damaging to him and me). I would say that he didn't love me when I found them. I would say the same thing when I found him watching porn. He didn't know and still suffers from communicating his throughts and feelings (potentially due to the Nuerodivergent nature of his brain). He just 'manned up' and cracked on with it, because that's the way he was taught to do things, Stifling everything downwards until he cracked and had a mental health breakdown.
He was working under great strain and didn't know how to give himself a break.
Now I did and said those things because I was greatly insecure and I didn't even know it. I go to therapy to undercover all these things about myself and how it would have had an effect on him. He says that it's not my fault, yet we both acknowledge that the things we have done to each other and said did and do have an effect on how we carry out our relationship on a day to day basis.
We're alot more sexually free together now, it's something that we bond over. I'm more confident (even if it's a tiny bit)... But I'm also more selfish. It makes me so tender about loving someone but that's my issue to deal with.
Our interactions with each other do affect people but please be aware if he tries dumping this on you again, You didn't force him to download those image Cloud.
He did that himself, he chose not to communicate any issues that were wrong. He chose to not address any addiction he was suffering with - not you.
He's obviously not mature enough to say that he messed up and that whilst your time together may have made him feel the way he did, ultimately he pressed download.
We're human beings, were not perfect and some of us need a bit or a lot of grace to survive but that comes at a price of taking responsibility for your actions .
omg cloud, please don't let him make you feel like this. It sounds like he's trying to condone what he's done, to shift the blame and make excuses.
If you feel you need therapy great, it may give you clarification and reassurance that he is the only problem not you.
x
If you feel you need therapy great, it may give you clarification and reassurance that he is the only problem not you.
x
Cloud
It really doesn't matter what his gripes are, they did not force your partner to commit these offences. He is a grown up and assumed to have mental capacity, so is deemed responsible for his actions and decisions, even if they are unwise or illegal.
Please don't listen to his blame game. There are always things we can learn from reflecting on our own behaviour, as you ably demonstrate in your post, but you are not responsible for his actions. Be proud of what you are doing to pull yourself and your children through this .
It really doesn't matter what his gripes are, they did not force your partner to commit these offences. He is a grown up and assumed to have mental capacity, so is deemed responsible for his actions and decisions, even if they are unwise or illegal.
Please don't listen to his blame game. There are always things we can learn from reflecting on our own behaviour, as you ably demonstrate in your post, but you are not responsible for his actions. Be proud of what you are doing to pull yourself and your children through this .
I don''t think long term therapy is always a good thing
My brother the offender he has had so much therapy by the sounds of it! He can't think for himself. When I asked him a question he would often say "I will discuss with my therapist etc"
As far as I was aware we had a good childhood, family holidays etc meals on the table 5pm as a family. It was a "normal" upbringing not too exciting but just regular stuff. My brother since the arrest has gone about family issues, parents wouldn't let him make his own decisions (Now bear in mind growing up he was sooo lazy he didn't have any real direction in life, just liked gaming, and went to uni to do what he thought he was good at- he even had a good social life at uni)
Now it turns out he really wasn't happy, all this therapy makes people "reflect". Personally I think in some ways this therapy is making them find a reason behind the crime and it is easy to construct a reasoning, thinking of what/who is to blame, forgetting the good parts of the past and finding points to blame. They become very self centred - they are rehabilitating themselves, very much how do they feel, what could be the reason etc only person to blame is themselves
My brother the offender he has had so much therapy by the sounds of it! He can't think for himself. When I asked him a question he would often say "I will discuss with my therapist etc"
As far as I was aware we had a good childhood, family holidays etc meals on the table 5pm as a family. It was a "normal" upbringing not too exciting but just regular stuff. My brother since the arrest has gone about family issues, parents wouldn't let him make his own decisions (Now bear in mind growing up he was sooo lazy he didn't have any real direction in life, just liked gaming, and went to uni to do what he thought he was good at- he even had a good social life at uni)
Now it turns out he really wasn't happy, all this therapy makes people "reflect". Personally I think in some ways this therapy is making them find a reason behind the crime and it is easy to construct a reasoning, thinking of what/who is to blame, forgetting the good parts of the past and finding points to blame. They become very self centred - they are rehabilitating themselves, very much how do they feel, what could be the reason etc only person to blame is themselves
My partner hasn't had therapy as such but did the Lucy faithful course, sex addiction anonymous (wasn't for him) and weekly probation meetings to address the whys and how to avoid the triggers.
He has never blamed anyone else for his actions. He fully acknowledges that he developed a sinister 'coping mechanism' rather than face reality and seek help. His upbringing wasn't bad, tho was the outcast and didn't fit in. He also his he is not straight. He initially started getting attention from older men, then went into cat fishing (young pretty girls or boys). He also had taboo nature to his porn, he gets bored easily.
He could have easily blamed the tensions with his previous marriage, but he has never blamed his ex wife. He admits that struggles didn't help with his offending, but that was because he didn't face his problems face on. Instead he would sneak off to offend.
It is up to you if you want your own therapy. Just need to find someone who is a good fit for you. But overall don't listen to your ex. He is to blame, he needs to face that and go forward. He is just deflecting and that will not do him any favours.
He has never blamed anyone else for his actions. He fully acknowledges that he developed a sinister 'coping mechanism' rather than face reality and seek help. His upbringing wasn't bad, tho was the outcast and didn't fit in. He also his he is not straight. He initially started getting attention from older men, then went into cat fishing (young pretty girls or boys). He also had taboo nature to his porn, he gets bored easily.
He could have easily blamed the tensions with his previous marriage, but he has never blamed his ex wife. He admits that struggles didn't help with his offending, but that was because he didn't face his problems face on. Instead he would sneak off to offend.
It is up to you if you want your own therapy. Just need to find someone who is a good fit for you. But overall don't listen to your ex. He is to blame, he needs to face that and go forward. He is just deflecting and that will not do him any favours.
Thank you all. It's hard not to spiral sometimes when someone you used to trust most in your life puts judgements on you that don't feel right. I started doubting my own reality for a bit but speaking with a friend and your responses on here help to ground me a bit more. Thank you again.
On the note of therapy I do think I will talk to someone at some point. I saw a counselor for a while but had to stop as it was a struggle to fit around work and childcare. But when I can I will speak to someone to try and come to terms with some of this.
Take care lovely people xx
On the note of therapy I do think I will talk to someone at some point. I saw a counselor for a while but had to stop as it was a struggle to fit around work and childcare. But when I can I will speak to someone to try and come to terms with some of this.
Take care lovely people xx
Wow! Just wow! Not in anyway your fault. The only way you could possibly be blamed would be if you have searched the Web for these images and showed them to him. Some men love to turn their faults and mistakes on to their wives. I know my husband would given half a chance. I can't help but feel ots a total cop out and absolute proof of what you are saying, no empathy. My husband is also like that. He has been living with his parents since the knock in November and only 1 have been in contact with him, not our children. Him trying to turn this on you is even more proof, if necessary, that you are right to be separated from someone with no emotional maturity and no distinction between right and wrong. Again, my husband is the same so reading your words hit a nerve. I don't think I can ever live with someone again that didn't recognise until caught that looking at and messaging about this subject is wrong.
None of it is your fault in anyway. All of us here although not innocent, are certainly innocent of the thing that has brought us here.
Sending strength your way, ignore him x
None of it is your fault in anyway. All of us here although not innocent, are certainly innocent of the thing that has brought us here.
Sending strength your way, ignore him x
I wanted to address upbringing...
My partner had a good upbringing... Food on the table, holidays every year...A nice house, middle class neighborhood... A good school, not private but a good public one...
Yet, in therapy he unearthed a lot of negative feelings about his upbringing... Boys will be boys type scenario with his sibling. He felt belittled, compared, an outcast versus his sibling, he felt bullied by him...
He unearthed his own sexual trauma from a teenager with an older teenager 17/18 Vs 13/14... These things that never get spoke of really effect us when we're navigating life... That's why people often make mistakes...
So while some might see what they want from the outside ... They fail to ask to see what on the inside.
My partner had a good upbringing... Food on the table, holidays every year...A nice house, middle class neighborhood... A good school, not private but a good public one...
Yet, in therapy he unearthed a lot of negative feelings about his upbringing... Boys will be boys type scenario with his sibling. He felt belittled, compared, an outcast versus his sibling, he felt bullied by him...
He unearthed his own sexual trauma from a teenager with an older teenager 17/18 Vs 13/14... These things that never get spoke of really effect us when we're navigating life... That's why people often make mistakes...
So while some might see what they want from the outside ... They fail to ask to see what on the inside.