Separating
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OK, so this as much a rant as anything else, but i need to put it down here, if i can't say it out loud!
After 9 years of marriage, i think we're going to split. By which i mean i leave him. The Knock came at the end of a rough two years, during which he suffered with anxiety (medicated) and a long period of illness (cancer) - and eventual passing - of his mam. During those two years, our sex life - and any sort of intimacy - has been next to nil. The joy just seemed to leave him and it got harder and harder to go out with him, just a coffee was hit and miss whether he'd want to come. He doesn't work, so i'm the sole breadwinner and have to keep reminding him that if he's going to claim 'house husband' status, he has to do some housework!
Of course, now that the knock happened, he's even less willing to go out - in four weeks he's left the house only a handful of times, largely with me in the car, just to buy milk or bread and then straight home again. We went to a coffee shop twice, but honestly he was so grim it was a blessing to go home again. I'm probably putting too much on him, but i thought a change of scene might start to move him forward, othereise it's going to be a very long year, but he just doesn't seem willing to try. (bearing in mind, in the days immeidatly following, he tried to kill himself twice)
We've talked a lot about it, and we both agree that those years were a slippery slope for him, becoming more isolated and using more and more porn (leading eventually to illegal stuff and where we are today). I asked him if he was still using porn now, and he said no.
Except that i know he is, because i checked the history on his tablet (police didn't take that, no idea why). Nothing illegal, just regular porn, but it hurts that (a) he lied, and (b) we're still not initmate and he's still using that instead.
I genuinely don't know if i still love him now. I *like* him, and we spent a pleasant night yesterday watching a movie together/discussing it afterwards, but then i went to bed alone again.
This morning, he told me that he doesn't think the shape of our relationship over the last two years should be put all on him, and i should 'cut him some slack'.
Honestly, i'm tired. And The Knock i think was the nail in the coffin. The difficulty is that it's my house, i'm the breadwinner, and he doesn't have anywhere to go if i put him out (even for a short period to give us both time and space) It feels more an more like he's a lodger, but there isn't another option i can see. It would break my heart to hurt him - this hurts now, so much, he's such a huge part of my life - but i can't see that anything of our first years together will ever return, without the shadow of all this hanging over us.
This is all a bit mixed up and a bit aimless but that's where i am now, and i needed to put it down somewhere so it's not just turning in my head. Thanks.
After 9 years of marriage, i think we're going to split. By which i mean i leave him. The Knock came at the end of a rough two years, during which he suffered with anxiety (medicated) and a long period of illness (cancer) - and eventual passing - of his mam. During those two years, our sex life - and any sort of intimacy - has been next to nil. The joy just seemed to leave him and it got harder and harder to go out with him, just a coffee was hit and miss whether he'd want to come. He doesn't work, so i'm the sole breadwinner and have to keep reminding him that if he's going to claim 'house husband' status, he has to do some housework!
Of course, now that the knock happened, he's even less willing to go out - in four weeks he's left the house only a handful of times, largely with me in the car, just to buy milk or bread and then straight home again. We went to a coffee shop twice, but honestly he was so grim it was a blessing to go home again. I'm probably putting too much on him, but i thought a change of scene might start to move him forward, othereise it's going to be a very long year, but he just doesn't seem willing to try. (bearing in mind, in the days immeidatly following, he tried to kill himself twice)
We've talked a lot about it, and we both agree that those years were a slippery slope for him, becoming more isolated and using more and more porn (leading eventually to illegal stuff and where we are today). I asked him if he was still using porn now, and he said no.
Except that i know he is, because i checked the history on his tablet (police didn't take that, no idea why). Nothing illegal, just regular porn, but it hurts that (a) he lied, and (b) we're still not initmate and he's still using that instead.
I genuinely don't know if i still love him now. I *like* him, and we spent a pleasant night yesterday watching a movie together/discussing it afterwards, but then i went to bed alone again.
This morning, he told me that he doesn't think the shape of our relationship over the last two years should be put all on him, and i should 'cut him some slack'.
Honestly, i'm tired. And The Knock i think was the nail in the coffin. The difficulty is that it's my house, i'm the breadwinner, and he doesn't have anywhere to go if i put him out (even for a short period to give us both time and space) It feels more an more like he's a lodger, but there isn't another option i can see. It would break my heart to hurt him - this hurts now, so much, he's such a huge part of my life - but i can't see that anything of our first years together will ever return, without the shadow of all this hanging over us.
This is all a bit mixed up and a bit aimless but that's where i am now, and i needed to put it down somewhere so it's not just turning in my head. Thanks.
Sending you love and hugs and to everyone else on here going through this awful thing.
For me it is my son who doesn't live with me and it is different but I am worried about the fallout and whether he'd be safe in his home. He's always been reliant on me and my brain has been forging ahead to think of the future and where he could live. My son works part time currently but I can't see him being able to keep his job. With that in mind I was thinking he could rent somewhere and get housing benefit. I've also been looking at static caravans. It is such a worry and at the moment he just says that he won't get charged.
Finding somewhere else to live for either us or our families that we can afford and manage seems to be a common theme for us here. It sounds like some space and thinking time will do the world of good xx
For me it is my son who doesn't live with me and it is different but I am worried about the fallout and whether he'd be safe in his home. He's always been reliant on me and my brain has been forging ahead to think of the future and where he could live. My son works part time currently but I can't see him being able to keep his job. With that in mind I was thinking he could rent somewhere and get housing benefit. I've also been looking at static caravans. It is such a worry and at the moment he just says that he won't get charged.
Finding somewhere else to live for either us or our families that we can afford and manage seems to be a common theme for us here. It sounds like some space and thinking time will do the world of good xx
Yes poster is right it takes a brave decision whatever you choose,
i am teally enjoying living by myself myself and my daughter. We are separated but I still see him once a week and we are civil to each other.
i do still like him as a person and know he needs support to get through this. Though the support is not completely coming from me, I don’t have the energy for that. Luckily he does have a mental health team and I think this is going to be the push to get him better and through loosing everything him to wake up to needing help for his depression.
i know it’s hard we also share a house. I am lucky that he is not a mean person my husband recognises that it’s his home too and when things are settled we are going to sell up. With me downsizing and him hopefully getting a little flat.
for me the decision was easier as have a child and so he couldn’t remain at the property I didn’t have to have difficult conversation to get him out.
you genuinely do y have to make any decisions yet read up on the Lucy faithfull website and educate yourself. It’s your decision but remember only he can change his mind and actions you can’t help him he must first help himself and saying that you need space to think about things is a reasonable request.
you know your relationship best. I am truly sorry that you have had to find this group xxx
i am teally enjoying living by myself myself and my daughter. We are separated but I still see him once a week and we are civil to each other.
i do still like him as a person and know he needs support to get through this. Though the support is not completely coming from me, I don’t have the energy for that. Luckily he does have a mental health team and I think this is going to be the push to get him better and through loosing everything him to wake up to needing help for his depression.
i know it’s hard we also share a house. I am lucky that he is not a mean person my husband recognises that it’s his home too and when things are settled we are going to sell up. With me downsizing and him hopefully getting a little flat.
for me the decision was easier as have a child and so he couldn’t remain at the property I didn’t have to have difficult conversation to get him out.
you genuinely do y have to make any decisions yet read up on the Lucy faithfull website and educate yourself. It’s your decision but remember only he can change his mind and actions you can’t help him he must first help himself and saying that you need space to think about things is a reasonable request.
you know your relationship best. I am truly sorry that you have had to find this group xxx
Sorry major typo!
what I meant to say is you do not have to make the decision about your future yet. Your still processing the trauma of the situation.
what I meant to say is you do not have to make the decision about your future yet. Your still processing the trauma of the situation.