Blame and Guilt
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Hi,
I'm very new to all this but I would say dont blame yourself you are going through enough emotional torture as it is. Yes circumstances surrounding the family environment may not have helped, however We must always remember this ultimately was a choice...a choice made out of our control. I don't know your beliefs but to help me get through difficult times I do believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason. Although we may not understand or acknowledge it at the time, there is a reason we find ourselves in certain situations. This was your sons choice which he had the freedom to steer away from. Keep doing what you are doing offering the support as the circumstances which led to him making the decisions he made can not be changed now. You are doing amazing and whilst your home environment may not have been "ideal" ...who's is perfect all the time it's how we choose to manage those, that takes us on the journey we find ourselves in now. Guilt is a horrible emotion that has the pleasure of rearing its ugly head when we least expect it! Easier said I know but the past is already written out for us it's the future that matters now xx big hugs xx
I'm very new to all this but I would say dont blame yourself you are going through enough emotional torture as it is. Yes circumstances surrounding the family environment may not have helped, however We must always remember this ultimately was a choice...a choice made out of our control. I don't know your beliefs but to help me get through difficult times I do believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason. Although we may not understand or acknowledge it at the time, there is a reason we find ourselves in certain situations. This was your sons choice which he had the freedom to steer away from. Keep doing what you are doing offering the support as the circumstances which led to him making the decisions he made can not be changed now. You are doing amazing and whilst your home environment may not have been "ideal" ...who's is perfect all the time it's how we choose to manage those, that takes us on the journey we find ourselves in now. Guilt is a horrible emotion that has the pleasure of rearing its ugly head when we least expect it! Easier said I know but the past is already written out for us it's the future that matters now xx big hugs xx
Smile - no no no no no no no, you must NOT blame yourself! Life happens, things go wrong, people make bad decisions, there could be any number of tiny little things in his life that resulted in this but ultimately you love him and are close to him and have done your best. Please put that thought out of your head right now xx
Hi smile through tears
My 21 year marriage was filled with arguments and horrible atmospheres. I was very young when I married and had my daughter and for the last 15 years I have been mortified that I didn't protect her more from witnessing it when she was young. She has still heard lots, including my husband verbally abusing me repeatedly when he would lose his temper. I have worried myself sick that this would have real emotional consequences for her. I worried that she would be with a man and think all this was acceptable or even subconsciously find men that would abuse her. Since all this has come out (my husband, her father) we have had many Frank conversations. She seems to have been unaffected by it all other than to dislike him and be very adamant in her declaration that she will never stand for anything like that. She is 19 so who really knows where life will take her but all that worry seems to have been pointless. I think your son is probably the same. Being aware of the rows and atmosphere and anger doesn't always result in emotion scars for them. I feel very relieved about all this. I think you should too.
I hope you find some comfort here.
Sending big hugs x
My 21 year marriage was filled with arguments and horrible atmospheres. I was very young when I married and had my daughter and for the last 15 years I have been mortified that I didn't protect her more from witnessing it when she was young. She has still heard lots, including my husband verbally abusing me repeatedly when he would lose his temper. I have worried myself sick that this would have real emotional consequences for her. I worried that she would be with a man and think all this was acceptable or even subconsciously find men that would abuse her. Since all this has come out (my husband, her father) we have had many Frank conversations. She seems to have been unaffected by it all other than to dislike him and be very adamant in her declaration that she will never stand for anything like that. She is 19 so who really knows where life will take her but all that worry seems to have been pointless. I think your son is probably the same. Being aware of the rows and atmosphere and anger doesn't always result in emotion scars for them. I feel very relieved about all this. I think you should too.
I hope you find some comfort here.
Sending big hugs x
Smile
No no dont go there with the guilt please
As mums we do look to see what if we did cause anything that took our boys down this route I feel the same guilt but I guess that is what we do x
It's so hard to comprehend all of this but please be kind to yourself you are there for your son and that is priceless for him to know x
Sending huge hugs to you xxx
No no dont go there with the guilt please
As mums we do look to see what if we did cause anything that took our boys down this route I feel the same guilt but I guess that is what we do x
It's so hard to comprehend all of this but please be kind to yourself you are there for your son and that is priceless for him to know x
Sending huge hugs to you xxx
Smile, I dont comment much but read lots however I really wanted to give you a massive virtual hug.
I think we will always blame ourselves and think what if I'd.......esp when we are having a down day but we aren't to blame at all.
No real words of wisdom but really wanted to reply xx
I think we will always blame ourselves and think what if I'd.......esp when we are having a down day but we aren't to blame at all.
No real words of wisdom but really wanted to reply xx
My ladies - you guys are so incredible...... and promise I'll take on board what you've said.
i think we've been excellent parents. My husband although VERY aloof and annoyed with my son - he has been my rock from the start to where we are 18 months later.
My son now only has us - we talk every day, I send him money and write - send him surprises. I carnt do anymore to keep him going, so hold no guilt there! It's not without family risks but hey ho that's where we are now, the future will take care of itself.
i think we've been excellent parents. My husband although VERY aloof and annoyed with my son - he has been my rock from the start to where we are 18 months later.
My son now only has us - we talk every day, I send him money and write - send him surprises. I carnt do anymore to keep him going, so hold no guilt there! It's not without family risks but hey ho that's where we are now, the future will take care of itself.
Hi Smile
I didn't read your initial post, but I support all what's been said by everyone else, they have spoken so eloquently and true. Guilt is a destructive feeling, why do we always try to find causes from our behaviour that we perceive have influenced our loved ones to make their own choices . We feel it and human nature makes us do this but its truely unjustified . Give yourself a huge big hug, if I was there I would give you a hug and say, you are doing an amazing job supporting your son , he knows that and I'm sure he'll say like my son"my choice to do this was nothing to do with what you have done".
big hug maij x
I didn't read your initial post, but I support all what's been said by everyone else, they have spoken so eloquently and true. Guilt is a destructive feeling, why do we always try to find causes from our behaviour that we perceive have influenced our loved ones to make their own choices . We feel it and human nature makes us do this but its truely unjustified . Give yourself a huge big hug, if I was there I would give you a hug and say, you are doing an amazing job supporting your son , he knows that and I'm sure he'll say like my son"my choice to do this was nothing to do with what you have done".
big hug maij x
Thanks Maij x