I feel like a 'babysitter' - why isn't he more careful?
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There are a number of things about my partner that frustrate me because I worry he isn't careful enough to avoid getting in trouble or raise eyebrows with the police or those aware of his conviction.
The latest examples are:
Looking at birthday cards for a family friend and he was browsing the daughter ones too. It isn't his daughter's bday yet however. Alot of the cards said 'gorgeous daughter', 'beautiful' etc. Tbh the selection was limited for any alternative. I said to him in the store I didn't think it was appropriate, in public I didn't want to spell it out. I could tell he had no idea what I meant.
When we were alone I asked him did he know why I was concerned with the cards. He thought he I meant on the she appropriate design (she is middle school age and he thought some were too young). I told him due to his ex wife and others who are not satisfied that he isn't a threat to his own children the wording may be seen as problematic. He did see my view, but I feel like maybe I'm being over the top, or he just doesn't think about the implications with his interactions with his kids.
Another is he recently found out there is a local social club that he is very much interested in. They do board games, model painting etc. I had asked him if children were likely to be there and he said he didn't think so as the events are in school nights and run late. A member did drop that some people bring kids on occasion. Despite this my partner is still thinking of going along, his SHPO says he can't have contact with under 16s.
The club would be great for him but it isn't worth him possibly getting in trouble. He still hasn't decided if he is definitely going. He might arrive late in the hope the kids have gone home, the general rule would be he would make his excuses and leave if he sees kids are there. But there are too many what ifs and playing with fire. Also by extending his social circle the higher risk that if his conviction is found out more people will find out and cause more drama and risk to us.
I don't want to babysit him. I feel like I have to be on guard and check he is compliant and not taking risks. He had already been in trouble with not following the SHPO. I can't afford for him to go to jail for not following the restrictions.
I thyim just going to have to say he should not go to the club. He will have wait until his SHPO has ended before doing such activities. But I know it will upset him but he can't take this risks
The latest examples are:
Looking at birthday cards for a family friend and he was browsing the daughter ones too. It isn't his daughter's bday yet however. Alot of the cards said 'gorgeous daughter', 'beautiful' etc. Tbh the selection was limited for any alternative. I said to him in the store I didn't think it was appropriate, in public I didn't want to spell it out. I could tell he had no idea what I meant.
When we were alone I asked him did he know why I was concerned with the cards. He thought he I meant on the she appropriate design (she is middle school age and he thought some were too young). I told him due to his ex wife and others who are not satisfied that he isn't a threat to his own children the wording may be seen as problematic. He did see my view, but I feel like maybe I'm being over the top, or he just doesn't think about the implications with his interactions with his kids.
Another is he recently found out there is a local social club that he is very much interested in. They do board games, model painting etc. I had asked him if children were likely to be there and he said he didn't think so as the events are in school nights and run late. A member did drop that some people bring kids on occasion. Despite this my partner is still thinking of going along, his SHPO says he can't have contact with under 16s.
The club would be great for him but it isn't worth him possibly getting in trouble. He still hasn't decided if he is definitely going. He might arrive late in the hope the kids have gone home, the general rule would be he would make his excuses and leave if he sees kids are there. But there are too many what ifs and playing with fire. Also by extending his social circle the higher risk that if his conviction is found out more people will find out and cause more drama and risk to us.
I don't want to babysit him. I feel like I have to be on guard and check he is compliant and not taking risks. He had already been in trouble with not following the SHPO. I can't afford for him to go to jail for not following the restrictions.
I thyim just going to have to say he should not go to the club. He will have wait until his SHPO has ended before doing such activities. But I know it will upset him but he can't take this risks
Hi.
I'm sorry you are feeling so much frustration and upset at the moment. If its any consolation, you are right. It shouldn't be down to you though to have to think this way, that should all be down to him. As I type "should" I realise that if these men had acted as they "should", we wouldn't be here on the first place.
However you end up handling it, I hope you feel more satisfied that life will go a bit easier. You are obviously strong to still be going, you can handle it.
X
I'm sorry you are feeling so much frustration and upset at the moment. If its any consolation, you are right. It shouldn't be down to you though to have to think this way, that should all be down to him. As I type "should" I realise that if these men had acted as they "should", we wouldn't be here on the first place.
However you end up handling it, I hope you feel more satisfied that life will go a bit easier. You are obviously strong to still be going, you can handle it.
X
Heya Majestic,
The birthday card situation, it genuinley sounds like he didn't realise that the card might seem as something more that what it was, a birthday card for his daughter.. I say that because some people just aernt hard wired to think that in depth about a card given his situation.... Little things like that, some people just don't think too deeply about...
It's good to talk about it though and air your concerns with him so that he knows you feel this way and it might be seen as a concerns not just by you but by others who know i.e. probation officer and such...
He most likely only see's his daughter as his daughter and nothing he does would purposely hurt her, even given the crime.
I would for now advise him to give the club a miss due to the level of risk he poses to breaking his SHPO. Propose finding an alternative activity that is adults only or better yet could he set one up himself that is adults only? It might be better to enquire as to whether they have an adults only night or something for the social club... It's way too much of a risk to tarnish the progress he's made...
I'll say this due to experience with my partner and his drinking... His actions are not your responsibility. You cannot babysit him, you can say your thoughts and offer your opinions... That's the level of support you can provide for him as his partner but as to having any final say in his decisions, that's his decision.
If you feel like your babysitting him, take a step back from it... Let it be clear to him that you will not be babysitting him anymore and whilst you are allowed an opinion on these things and will give it when you see fit, the decisions he makes will be his and his alone. If he screws up he will live with any consequences of that and you will part with him.
It is so difficult to not feel like you have to be on constant guard over these things... But we can only offer support and guidance, we cannot sit and watch them and tell them what to do and when to do it ... Otherwise our mental health will deteriorate...
Take care of yourself Majestic... Reach out to us again if you need to vent... If you ever get Mumsnet let me know...I only just got it the other day and I don't really use it but it is nice to be able to talk to someone properly once in a while ..I only talk to specific poeple and I know our stories are quite similar...
!
The birthday card situation, it genuinley sounds like he didn't realise that the card might seem as something more that what it was, a birthday card for his daughter.. I say that because some people just aernt hard wired to think that in depth about a card given his situation.... Little things like that, some people just don't think too deeply about...
It's good to talk about it though and air your concerns with him so that he knows you feel this way and it might be seen as a concerns not just by you but by others who know i.e. probation officer and such...
He most likely only see's his daughter as his daughter and nothing he does would purposely hurt her, even given the crime.
I would for now advise him to give the club a miss due to the level of risk he poses to breaking his SHPO. Propose finding an alternative activity that is adults only or better yet could he set one up himself that is adults only? It might be better to enquire as to whether they have an adults only night or something for the social club... It's way too much of a risk to tarnish the progress he's made...
I'll say this due to experience with my partner and his drinking... His actions are not your responsibility. You cannot babysit him, you can say your thoughts and offer your opinions... That's the level of support you can provide for him as his partner but as to having any final say in his decisions, that's his decision.
If you feel like your babysitting him, take a step back from it... Let it be clear to him that you will not be babysitting him anymore and whilst you are allowed an opinion on these things and will give it when you see fit, the decisions he makes will be his and his alone. If he screws up he will live with any consequences of that and you will part with him.
It is so difficult to not feel like you have to be on constant guard over these things... But we can only offer support and guidance, we cannot sit and watch them and tell them what to do and when to do it ... Otherwise our mental health will deteriorate...
Take care of yourself Majestic... Reach out to us again if you need to vent... If you ever get Mumsnet let me know...I only just got it the other day and I don't really use it but it is nice to be able to talk to someone properly once in a while ..I only talk to specific poeple and I know our stories are quite similar...
!
Hi
I think we become super sensitive to things in every day life. Things that a couple of years ago would have been seen as normal, like choosing a cute birthday card, have become sinister, unwise, risky. It is very sad because it robs us of spontaneity and expression of love and affection.
A few weeks ago I wrote about the possibility of my husband joining the leisure club I attend, thinking it would be something could do together. Well after risk assessing it we concluded there was too great a risk , not that he would do anything wrong, but that he might mistakenly be accused of doing something wrong. A few days ago we discovered the only social media account he has maintained (for a community group) actually doesn't allow people on the SOR to have an account. Life becomes more restricted and we feel more marginalised.
I hate Sunday's now. That's because the Ever Accountable reports drops into my mail box. I get to see what my husband has been looking at and to know if he has managed to remain porn free this week. I don't want to be a babysitter, I certainly don't want to ask him why he has been looking at sites featuring lingerie models. Is he trying to push boundaries? Is he trying to evade the programmer's algorithms?
But we are where we are. Moving through the legal process is tough enough but working through what has happened within our relationships is probably even harder.
I think we become super sensitive to things in every day life. Things that a couple of years ago would have been seen as normal, like choosing a cute birthday card, have become sinister, unwise, risky. It is very sad because it robs us of spontaneity and expression of love and affection.
A few weeks ago I wrote about the possibility of my husband joining the leisure club I attend, thinking it would be something could do together. Well after risk assessing it we concluded there was too great a risk , not that he would do anything wrong, but that he might mistakenly be accused of doing something wrong. A few days ago we discovered the only social media account he has maintained (for a community group) actually doesn't allow people on the SOR to have an account. Life becomes more restricted and we feel more marginalised.
I hate Sunday's now. That's because the Ever Accountable reports drops into my mail box. I get to see what my husband has been looking at and to know if he has managed to remain porn free this week. I don't want to be a babysitter, I certainly don't want to ask him why he has been looking at sites featuring lingerie models. Is he trying to push boundaries? Is he trying to evade the programmer's algorithms?
But we are where we are. Moving through the legal process is tough enough but working through what has happened within our relationships is probably even harder.
Judith have you approached your husband about the lingerie sites yet ? It might be better to bite the head off before it gets worse... He might have an explanation for it (best case scenario) ... It might be his way of coping ?
Hi
Yes,as his Accountability partner it is part of my role to challenge these concerns. It is very difficult, sometimes painful, as I feel I am wearing two hats; the support person and the wife. One of those wants to throw things at him!
Yes,as his Accountability partner it is part of my role to challenge these concerns. It is very difficult, sometimes painful, as I feel I am wearing two hats; the support person and the wife. One of those wants to throw things at him!
Judith
Sorry that last sentance made me chuckle I can guess which one wants to throw something at him :-) x hope your ok x
Sorry that last sentance made me chuckle I can guess which one wants to throw something at him :-) x hope your ok x