When to give up and leave?
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I see lots of posts in here from ex partners, and lots from current partners.
What made you decide to stay? What made you decide to leave? I'm struggling with this.
The knock was only last week, so its all still so new. He seems convinced we can live a normal life after this if he buckles down with specialist therapy and rehab, but I can't help but think it's too late for that. The time for that was when it was when I discovered the porn addiction, before it escalated into THIS. When he cried and promised he would change, and didn't.
I'm the one that saw the iioc and reported, so there's no doubt of guilt, and I was depressed and isolated before then because of the emotional stonewalling I've received at every angle, for almost 2 years. Even if he gets a suspended sentence, which I'm not sure he will, I'm scared of the stigma for me and the children when others find out. I just want to protect us.
What made you decide to stay? What made you decide to leave? I'm struggling with this.
The knock was only last week, so its all still so new. He seems convinced we can live a normal life after this if he buckles down with specialist therapy and rehab, but I can't help but think it's too late for that. The time for that was when it was when I discovered the porn addiction, before it escalated into THIS. When he cried and promised he would change, and didn't.
I'm the one that saw the iioc and reported, so there's no doubt of guilt, and I was depressed and isolated before then because of the emotional stonewalling I've received at every angle, for almost 2 years. Even if he gets a suspended sentence, which I'm not sure he will, I'm scared of the stigma for me and the children when others find out. I just want to protect us.
Heya Hopeless,
Sorry you find yourself here and sorry no one has replied to your comment, sometimes they fall through the cracks... If you're still looking, I can only offer a little bit of advice - you're the only person that knows when to walk away...
From the sounds of it, your husband is like so many who are only ready to change when their actions unearth consequences...
Are you emotionally capable of handling the ups and down of the journey this situation puts you through... Do you have faith in him to change and are willing to support him, yourself and your family to address it ?
I know from experience that addiction is difficult. My partner only started a drink reduction program 7-8 months ago it's been very difficult for me... I've had to withdraw emotionally, locking my love and heart down and focus on myself just to protect myself... That said he is rehabilitating himself, including mental health and what not... It's taken 15 months since the knock to initiate the rehabilitation and it will forever be going on...
Goodluck with your decision
Sorry you find yourself here and sorry no one has replied to your comment, sometimes they fall through the cracks... If you're still looking, I can only offer a little bit of advice - you're the only person that knows when to walk away...
From the sounds of it, your husband is like so many who are only ready to change when their actions unearth consequences...
Are you emotionally capable of handling the ups and down of the journey this situation puts you through... Do you have faith in him to change and are willing to support him, yourself and your family to address it ?
I know from experience that addiction is difficult. My partner only started a drink reduction program 7-8 months ago it's been very difficult for me... I've had to withdraw emotionally, locking my love and heart down and focus on myself just to protect myself... That said he is rehabilitating himself, including mental health and what not... It's taken 15 months since the knock to initiate the rehabilitation and it will forever be going on...
Goodluck with your decision
Hi
sprry to find yourself here.
this is such a personal decision. But for me there were a few reasons I have stayed.
firstly, I was pregnant at the knock - this did impact my feelings as I 100% didn't want to raise our baby (our first) on my own. This may have been a really selfish reason but it definitely was a strong one.
next, I could understand how it all came to be. I understood in time that he was abused in the past and how all of that plus other stuff shaped him to who he was and that it had caused an addiction. I could empathise with him on various things and as I was also abused as a kid I could understand the long lasting damage it can cause.
next, I know the man I married and he is a good man. This fact remains true. He is a good person who made a terrible error in judgement and spoke to the wrong people online.
next, he started to work on himself immediately and was honest immediately. He has never hidden anything. He has answered every question even if it made him uncomfortable. And he was looking at therapy and self help within 2 days of the knock. He was also immediately honest with social services - proving how much he wanted to get better and how he would do anything to stay as a family. (Something we have been successful for as he has been allowed to stay once baby was born).
I think the most important thing is to take your time. Do not make any hasty decisions. Things will change. Things will develop. Breathe. Take time for you.
sprry to find yourself here.
this is such a personal decision. But for me there were a few reasons I have stayed.
firstly, I was pregnant at the knock - this did impact my feelings as I 100% didn't want to raise our baby (our first) on my own. This may have been a really selfish reason but it definitely was a strong one.
next, I could understand how it all came to be. I understood in time that he was abused in the past and how all of that plus other stuff shaped him to who he was and that it had caused an addiction. I could empathise with him on various things and as I was also abused as a kid I could understand the long lasting damage it can cause.
next, I know the man I married and he is a good man. This fact remains true. He is a good person who made a terrible error in judgement and spoke to the wrong people online.
next, he started to work on himself immediately and was honest immediately. He has never hidden anything. He has answered every question even if it made him uncomfortable. And he was looking at therapy and self help within 2 days of the knock. He was also immediately honest with social services - proving how much he wanted to get better and how he would do anything to stay as a family. (Something we have been successful for as he has been allowed to stay once baby was born).
I think the most important thing is to take your time. Do not make any hasty decisions. Things will change. Things will develop. Breathe. Take time for you.
Scared lamb, I'd be intersted to know what his charges were as he's been allowed to stay in the family home. Or is he awaiting sentencing?
My childrens Dad is allowed to stay in the family home, I know everyone wants thier partners home but I am finding it so difficult supervising everything making up excuses to the kids or watching him or him having to come with me so he's not alone with the kids I just want to scream! He's not working now so he's there all the time when I get back from work he's there weekends always there I just want a break away from him!
He was arrested and charged with attempting to sexually communicate with a child hope that helps bizzie Lizzie
He was arrested and charged with attempting to sexually communicate with a child hope that helps bizzie Lizzie
Thanks everyone for replying.
Hes signed up for regular counselling, signed up to do a course (I don't know which one), and is reading through books like 'Your brain on porn'. This is all great, but I wish he'd done this a year ago when I found out he had a porn addiction and pleaded with him to get help before it got worse and risk losing me and the kids. And after I told him this was when he started getting involved in this absolutely awful stuff. At the time he signed up for specialist addiction therapy, but then never followed through.
He seems crushed and has vocalised that he has nothing else to live for but our 2 kids. The oldest is just over 2 and the youngest just a few months old. Our youngest was an accident conceived in a very brief period of actually feeling as though he cared about me, but I kept the pregnancy as he seemed committed to going to therapy for his inability to communicate his emotions, but then stopped when he became overwhelmed at the thought of how we could possibly afford to raise 2 kids, and his mental health just spiralled from there. The thought of raising them on my own feels so insurmountable, but I don't know how I'd even begin to forgive him, especially after I warned him not to throw our lives away.
From talking to him, it sounds like it's possession, and maybe distribution. I was scared it was also communication with a minor, but he's assured me its not. He was a member of a darkweb site where men bought and sold these photos! I'm horrified and can't look him in the eye. How can he look at this stuff and not be immediately horrified?!
I was looking at the sentencing guidelines and I cant anticipate how he will get anything but jail time. And based on what some of the ladies in this forum say, this could go on for almost 18 months until we find out! My eldest will be beginning to ask questions soon, and I just want to protect her. If I do even attempt to work through this with him instead of just leaving, what if one of her friends parents find out and she finds out what her dad has done that way?! What if she's shunned and none of her friends are ever allowed to sleep over? What if none of that happens, but when she's a teenager, I'm sick with worry at leaving my hubby alone with her friends just in case. I'm sure he wouldn't hurt our kids, but I was also sure he was a good man and look where that got me?!
Hes signed up for regular counselling, signed up to do a course (I don't know which one), and is reading through books like 'Your brain on porn'. This is all great, but I wish he'd done this a year ago when I found out he had a porn addiction and pleaded with him to get help before it got worse and risk losing me and the kids. And after I told him this was when he started getting involved in this absolutely awful stuff. At the time he signed up for specialist addiction therapy, but then never followed through.
He seems crushed and has vocalised that he has nothing else to live for but our 2 kids. The oldest is just over 2 and the youngest just a few months old. Our youngest was an accident conceived in a very brief period of actually feeling as though he cared about me, but I kept the pregnancy as he seemed committed to going to therapy for his inability to communicate his emotions, but then stopped when he became overwhelmed at the thought of how we could possibly afford to raise 2 kids, and his mental health just spiralled from there. The thought of raising them on my own feels so insurmountable, but I don't know how I'd even begin to forgive him, especially after I warned him not to throw our lives away.
From talking to him, it sounds like it's possession, and maybe distribution. I was scared it was also communication with a minor, but he's assured me its not. He was a member of a darkweb site where men bought and sold these photos! I'm horrified and can't look him in the eye. How can he look at this stuff and not be immediately horrified?!
I was looking at the sentencing guidelines and I cant anticipate how he will get anything but jail time. And based on what some of the ladies in this forum say, this could go on for almost 18 months until we find out! My eldest will be beginning to ask questions soon, and I just want to protect her. If I do even attempt to work through this with him instead of just leaving, what if one of her friends parents find out and she finds out what her dad has done that way?! What if she's shunned and none of her friends are ever allowed to sleep over? What if none of that happens, but when she's a teenager, I'm sick with worry at leaving my hubby alone with her friends just in case. I'm sure he wouldn't hurt our kids, but I was also sure he was a good man and look where that got me?!
Thanks Summer, so no custodial sentence I assume? Mine was charged with similar plus around 300 images.
My questions are as I don't know what my OHs chances are of starting his own family a couple of years post sentence. But he has a custodial of 3 years (serving 18 inside), so may be difficult to judge. Sometimes it seems that SS will say they're not a risk to their own children as opposed to those in the community, but so difficult to predict I guess.
My questions are as I don't know what my OHs chances are of starting his own family a couple of years post sentence. But he has a custodial of 3 years (serving 18 inside), so may be difficult to judge. Sometimes it seems that SS will say they're not a risk to their own children as opposed to those in the community, but so difficult to predict I guess.
Hi
He hasn't been charged yet. But it will be 2x communication charges and possibly 2 charges relating to sending pictures of himself.
He hasn't been charged yet. But it will be 2x communication charges and possibly 2 charges relating to sending pictures of himself.
Hi bizzielizzie
we are awaiting trial again, keeps getting adjourned. So this is just whilst RUI and charged. If found guilty then there maybe a new social worker who decides different.
we are awaiting trial again, keeps getting adjourned. So this is just whilst RUI and charged. If found guilty then there maybe a new social worker who decides different.