Preparing for your last days/nights together - Court, trial, setting expectations
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The court trial date is now very near. I thought I'd know what I wanted to do, thought I'd be strong enough - But I don't and am not.
I feel so much pressure on me.
We've muddled through and I've been there for my partner emotionally and practically on the lead up but I'm finding it increasingly difficult and increasingly not coping/functioning well at all.
My partner, if found guilty, has been told to expect a reasonably long custodial. We haven't really discussed or agree what will happen to "us". He initially said he couldn't expect anything of me but more recently it's become clear that he's hopeful. Other than love there is no other reason for us to stay together - We are not married, do not have children, financially we are completely independent and haven't even been together very long.
He lives a fair distance from the court so has booked a hotel for the court dates. He wants me to be there with him (at the hotel, not court). I'm not sure how I feel about it. Emotionally it will be extremely tough, but I hate the thought of him being there alone. I don't think I'd be able to be strong for him whilst I'm there and worry me being upset won't help him be in the head space he needs to be in for court. I feel so torn at what to do. I feel selfish for thinking about how I'll cope when he's the one that's going to be having really hard days (I know you'll all likely be saying I shouldn't - I haven't done anything wrong), I also don't know how I'd cope not being there with him or if I'd forgive myself later down the line.
Then there is the us and it's increasingly visible he hopes that we'll at least try and make it work. I feel that we need to have a conversation to set some expectations, but I'm concerned that may break him, if that ends up being lower than what he anticipated. We live 3 hours apart and he's increasingly struggling and I find myself worried if I don't hear from him or see that he's been online within an hour. Recently he's said or implied that I'm the light that's getting him through this, it's what making him carry on. I don't know what I can commit to. I don't feel like I've had any real head space to consider it. As we get closer to the court date, I'm finding myself trying to switch off the love I have for him and tried to find a place of numbness to avoid any emotions. I'm too scared to talk about how I feel for fear of it hurting him or giving him too much hope.
Any words of wisdom, advice, places for support would be gratefully received.
I feel so much pressure on me.
We've muddled through and I've been there for my partner emotionally and practically on the lead up but I'm finding it increasingly difficult and increasingly not coping/functioning well at all.
My partner, if found guilty, has been told to expect a reasonably long custodial. We haven't really discussed or agree what will happen to "us". He initially said he couldn't expect anything of me but more recently it's become clear that he's hopeful. Other than love there is no other reason for us to stay together - We are not married, do not have children, financially we are completely independent and haven't even been together very long.
He lives a fair distance from the court so has booked a hotel for the court dates. He wants me to be there with him (at the hotel, not court). I'm not sure how I feel about it. Emotionally it will be extremely tough, but I hate the thought of him being there alone. I don't think I'd be able to be strong for him whilst I'm there and worry me being upset won't help him be in the head space he needs to be in for court. I feel so torn at what to do. I feel selfish for thinking about how I'll cope when he's the one that's going to be having really hard days (I know you'll all likely be saying I shouldn't - I haven't done anything wrong), I also don't know how I'd cope not being there with him or if I'd forgive myself later down the line.
Then there is the us and it's increasingly visible he hopes that we'll at least try and make it work. I feel that we need to have a conversation to set some expectations, but I'm concerned that may break him, if that ends up being lower than what he anticipated. We live 3 hours apart and he's increasingly struggling and I find myself worried if I don't hear from him or see that he's been online within an hour. Recently he's said or implied that I'm the light that's getting him through this, it's what making him carry on. I don't know what I can commit to. I don't feel like I've had any real head space to consider it. As we get closer to the court date, I'm finding myself trying to switch off the love I have for him and tried to find a place of numbness to avoid any emotions. I'm too scared to talk about how I feel for fear of it hurting him or giving him too much hope.
Any words of wisdom, advice, places for support would be gratefully received.
Hi Sal, the last days and nights were very stressful. Once you've got everything ready 'just in case', you just have to try to enjoy the odd moments in case they're your last for a while at least. I remember we got out of the car on the way home to watch the sunset together the night before his sentencing. Cherish the little moments.
If it turns out to be a long custodial, and your relationship is relatively new, I would imagine in time you'll start to feel like you can move on. But only you will be able to tell and don't let anyone try to tell you otherwise. You probably don't need to tell him now, as you can't make any promises anyway. Maybe just focus on supporting him in the ways you want to for now, and leave the bigger decisions for later down the line. It's not fair of him to put that level of pressure on you, it's hard to see it from the outside (I know, I've been there), but you really have to try, as your life is bigger than just you and him. And ultimately you are not responsible for his wellbeing. My counsellor asked me this question when we were talking about whether to stay or leave: imagine that your partner comes of prison, he's okay, he's safe, he is happy, he has found a new partner. How does it make you feel? If the answer is glad that he's okay, it kind of shows that you can move on and helps to illustrate what your reasons are for staying. If the answer is that you are upset or angry, or jealous that he can be happy with someone else then maybe it means you do want to stay together. That probably isn't a question worth thinking about for you just yet, but once the outcome is known, if you ask yourself that question every now and then, see if the answer changes. I have found it useful anyway.
As for whether to stay in the hotel. Can you picture how you will feel if you don't stay? Will you be able to cope? Maybe you will, maybe not?
Good luck with everything, as I always say to my friends, I wouldn't wish our situation on my worst enemy.
Xxx
If it turns out to be a long custodial, and your relationship is relatively new, I would imagine in time you'll start to feel like you can move on. But only you will be able to tell and don't let anyone try to tell you otherwise. You probably don't need to tell him now, as you can't make any promises anyway. Maybe just focus on supporting him in the ways you want to for now, and leave the bigger decisions for later down the line. It's not fair of him to put that level of pressure on you, it's hard to see it from the outside (I know, I've been there), but you really have to try, as your life is bigger than just you and him. And ultimately you are not responsible for his wellbeing. My counsellor asked me this question when we were talking about whether to stay or leave: imagine that your partner comes of prison, he's okay, he's safe, he is happy, he has found a new partner. How does it make you feel? If the answer is glad that he's okay, it kind of shows that you can move on and helps to illustrate what your reasons are for staying. If the answer is that you are upset or angry, or jealous that he can be happy with someone else then maybe it means you do want to stay together. That probably isn't a question worth thinking about for you just yet, but once the outcome is known, if you ask yourself that question every now and then, see if the answer changes. I have found it useful anyway.
As for whether to stay in the hotel. Can you picture how you will feel if you don't stay? Will you be able to cope? Maybe you will, maybe not?
Good luck with everything, as I always say to my friends, I wouldn't wish our situation on my worst enemy.
Xxx
Hi Sal
so sorry you are feeling this way its such a difficult situation to be in . I really don't think you should committ/promise anything just yet. You don't know what the outcome is going to be . Once you do know , things may become clearer and maybe you can make some decisions then.
if he receives a very lengthy custodial sentence, are you thinking , is my love strong enough to see that through to the end of his sentence ?
please try not to think about hurting his feelings. Your feelings have already been hurt by his behaviour. You need to think about what you want.
big hug
maij x
so sorry you are feeling this way its such a difficult situation to be in . I really don't think you should committ/promise anything just yet. You don't know what the outcome is going to be . Once you do know , things may become clearer and maybe you can make some decisions then.
if he receives a very lengthy custodial sentence, are you thinking , is my love strong enough to see that through to the end of his sentence ?
please try not to think about hurting his feelings. Your feelings have already been hurt by his behaviour. You need to think about what you want.
big hug
maij x
Sorry Sal,
Sounds like you're having a worrisome time...
I'll say your partner will go on without you, just like you would with him .. Love is about making a choice ... He can say all he like that you're the light in his life but ask yourself... Why had that only become clear to him after he screwed up ...
Only do what you feel is right for you and your mental health x
Sounds like you're having a worrisome time...
I'll say your partner will go on without you, just like you would with him .. Love is about making a choice ... He can say all he like that you're the light in his life but ask yourself... Why had that only become clear to him after he screwed up ...
Only do what you feel is right for you and your mental health x
hi SAL / I think come court you have to do what you feel as regards attending. I could not face seeing my son in a court setting (his court cases were all video linked from prison) - I felt I had abandoned him leaving him to the lions, rearingup to rip him to bits. I am now at a stage where I carnt bear to visit him in prison, I think it'd break both me and him.
i do suffer guilt feelings but he's never suggested me visiting and I think He's just pleased in the circumstances we have stuck by him...... visits will come...... but only when I feel ready.
ive learnt very fast to take this journey slowly and looking after yourself is most important. As we know there's many hurtful hurdles along its path and it really is impossible to take it all on board at once and certainly no good for our mental health.
xxxxx
i do suffer guilt feelings but he's never suggested me visiting and I think He's just pleased in the circumstances we have stuck by him...... visits will come...... but only when I feel ready.
ive learnt very fast to take this journey slowly and looking after yourself is most important. As we know there's many hurtful hurdles along its path and it really is impossible to take it all on board at once and certainly no good for our mental health.
xxxxx
Hi smile
How long is your son serving . My tummy churned when reading your post , particularly because it must be absolutely heartbreaking and this so easily could have been me .
A big hug for you smile and I hope its not too long before you find the strength of mind and courage to visit and that visits will be comforting for both you and him xx
maij
How long is your son serving . My tummy churned when reading your post , particularly because it must be absolutely heartbreaking and this so easily could have been me .
A big hug for you smile and I hope its not too long before you find the strength of mind and courage to visit and that visits will be comforting for both you and him xx
maij
Up for parole 2025 :(
He was fairly local at the beginning and i was going to organise a visit and then unfortunately he got moved MILES away.
He was fairly local at the beginning and i was going to organise a visit and then unfortunately he got moved MILES away.
Hi Sal
Like everyone else has said there is no right or wrong you have to do what feels right for you or to be made to feel guilty we already do that to ourselves
I hope he dosent get a custodial sentance and again there are no two cases the same that is apparent to us all on here
Just wanted to send you a virtual hug x
Smile I am fortunate that remand is not that far from us and once he is sentanced I have not a clue where he will be sent I just hope I can still go to visit him it's just a waiting game now as for sentencing not a clue but it's going to be some time I guess :-( I hope you are feeling a bit better today xx
Like everyone else has said there is no right or wrong you have to do what feels right for you or to be made to feel guilty we already do that to ourselves
I hope he dosent get a custodial sentance and again there are no two cases the same that is apparent to us all on here
Just wanted to send you a virtual hug x
Smile I am fortunate that remand is not that far from us and once he is sentanced I have not a clue where he will be sent I just hope I can still go to visit him it's just a waiting game now as for sentencing not a clue but it's going to be some time I guess :-( I hope you are feeling a bit better today xx
Hi upset - much better today thanks. All the advice I was given by you ladies put things in perspective for me x
My thoughts are with you x take care x
My thoughts are with you x take care x
Thank you to those that have commented and offered their advice.
We've made arrangements for him to come to my house a week before the trial for a night. It'll be good for both of us to be together and away from his house that's now empty. As BusyLizzie has suggested I'm going to concentrate on the next few steps and what I want to do, without making any promises as to what may happen after. I hope after the discussion we had at the weekend he realises its unfair to ask or expect anything from me beyond the immediate.
Your life is bigger than just you and him - This really resonates with me today, I'm guilty of this in relationships even without this massive complications. I'm feeling stronger today so I can totally see that I've got my life to live regardless of him and what I may decide to do, but when you are in the depths, it's so hard to see or believe it's possible or even whether it's what you want ir.
I think I've decided I will be with him after he's been in court (not actual court), I'll be a mess at home anyway, so may as well try and be there for him but I haven't fully come to a conclusion as to how I can make that happen and still look after myself.
Maij, I think it's that I'm not sure I can cope with the pain of seeing and hearing him in prison. Everything that he's lost. It's all of this that I struggle with at the most now - Seeing him sad and broken. I'm not every good at distancing my emotions from other people's. I guess I also worry whether or not I'll get lonely when he's in prison. Worry that I might wait for him and then we are different people. Realistically I'm never going to just be able to move on, there will be adjustments whilst he settles in to prison, my own therapy that I'll start and I'll always know where he is and wonder how he's doing. His release date will be etched in my mind and I just can't imagine not wanting to be there for him when it's out. But as you say, I can't make any promises, we don't know what the outcome is and actually both of us may change in our feelings at some point.
Smile reading your post and some older ones in the forum has helped me realise there isn't any shame if I can't visit him, but maybe by choosing what I can do will enable me to do that well and maintain it longer, rather than doing to much and it breaking me.
Thank you for the hug Upset Mum, I'm glad you feel able to visit your son.Isn't it funny how we lean on complete strangers for virtual hugs to pick us up.
We've made arrangements for him to come to my house a week before the trial for a night. It'll be good for both of us to be together and away from his house that's now empty. As BusyLizzie has suggested I'm going to concentrate on the next few steps and what I want to do, without making any promises as to what may happen after. I hope after the discussion we had at the weekend he realises its unfair to ask or expect anything from me beyond the immediate.
Your life is bigger than just you and him - This really resonates with me today, I'm guilty of this in relationships even without this massive complications. I'm feeling stronger today so I can totally see that I've got my life to live regardless of him and what I may decide to do, but when you are in the depths, it's so hard to see or believe it's possible or even whether it's what you want ir.
I think I've decided I will be with him after he's been in court (not actual court), I'll be a mess at home anyway, so may as well try and be there for him but I haven't fully come to a conclusion as to how I can make that happen and still look after myself.
Maij, I think it's that I'm not sure I can cope with the pain of seeing and hearing him in prison. Everything that he's lost. It's all of this that I struggle with at the most now - Seeing him sad and broken. I'm not every good at distancing my emotions from other people's. I guess I also worry whether or not I'll get lonely when he's in prison. Worry that I might wait for him and then we are different people. Realistically I'm never going to just be able to move on, there will be adjustments whilst he settles in to prison, my own therapy that I'll start and I'll always know where he is and wonder how he's doing. His release date will be etched in my mind and I just can't imagine not wanting to be there for him when it's out. But as you say, I can't make any promises, we don't know what the outcome is and actually both of us may change in our feelings at some point.
Smile reading your post and some older ones in the forum has helped me realise there isn't any shame if I can't visit him, but maybe by choosing what I can do will enable me to do that well and maintain it longer, rather than doing to much and it breaking me.
Thank you for the hug Upset Mum, I'm glad you feel able to visit your son.Isn't it funny how we lean on complete strangers for virtual hugs to pick us up.
Sal
This forum is my lifeline we are complete strangers to each other but yet have a deep connection on our journey with no judgement just words of comfort and understanding x
So much support and like many have said before how much this is needed just knowing I am not alone gives me hope and strength to get through this
I am fortunate that I do get to visit my son it's really difficult and emotional but it is what it is for now there is no right or wrong if you do visit or not what is ok for some is not for others it's not about feeling guilty for doing things differently to others we all share one unique quality in that we are all strong individuals it may not seem like it sometimes but we are and rather than torture ourselves on feeling guilty etc we need to look how far we have come on this horrendous journey
Giving help and support is priceless thank you to you all xx
This forum is my lifeline we are complete strangers to each other but yet have a deep connection on our journey with no judgement just words of comfort and understanding x
So much support and like many have said before how much this is needed just knowing I am not alone gives me hope and strength to get through this
I am fortunate that I do get to visit my son it's really difficult and emotional but it is what it is for now there is no right or wrong if you do visit or not what is ok for some is not for others it's not about feeling guilty for doing things differently to others we all share one unique quality in that we are all strong individuals it may not seem like it sometimes but we are and rather than torture ourselves on feeling guilty etc we need to look how far we have come on this horrendous journey
Giving help and support is priceless thank you to you all xx
SAL
Your post resonates with me staying being strong for them giving them the support hoping this is all a bad dream then the build up to court and that distancing whether that be prison or for me ss restrictions or them wanting to take thier life. Worried If they will be there when you get home or what I will find.
Oh how is long to be back in limbo land sometimes.
As others have said only do what you can and want to take it easy and if you change your mind then it's your choice.
sending Huge Hugs SAL you are not alone in this xx
Your post resonates with me staying being strong for them giving them the support hoping this is all a bad dream then the build up to court and that distancing whether that be prison or for me ss restrictions or them wanting to take thier life. Worried If they will be there when you get home or what I will find.
Oh how is long to be back in limbo land sometimes.
As others have said only do what you can and want to take it easy and if you change your mind then it's your choice.
sending Huge Hugs SAL you are not alone in this xx
Hi Sal
We have just done the lead up to sentencing for the second time and it has been postponed again.
There are many on this forum who know exactly what you are saying and understand how so many conflicting doubts and dilemmas go through our minds at this time. At this time I don't think we are in the best frame of mind to make such far reaching decisions. Try and focus on the next "hoop" as my husband calls the next upcoming event. There is plenty of time to decide what you want further down the line.
We have just done the lead up to sentencing for the second time and it has been postponed again.
There are many on this forum who know exactly what you are saying and understand how so many conflicting doubts and dilemmas go through our minds at this time. At this time I don't think we are in the best frame of mind to make such far reaching decisions. Try and focus on the next "hoop" as my husband calls the next upcoming event. There is plenty of time to decide what you want further down the line.