Still viewing porn
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So 4 weeks after the knock, I've discovered he's still viewing porn (almost) every day. I get that hes depressed and frightened but surely this isn't normal behaviour? It was his reclusiveness and over-use of (legal) porn that led to this whole situation in the first place, so why won't he stop now? I'd like for him to get help, but he needs to realise theres a problem first. Also he reckons if he gets a counselor it will look bad in court, as if he's admitting guilt and trying to wriggle out of it. Not sure where he got that idea!!
We've not had sex in years (he has "difficulty" but won't see a doctor), so it's not changes our relationship in those terms, except that now i think he doesn't *want* to change if he can't see that this isn't right. It worries me that having this stuff in his tablet isn't going to look good, even if it is legal, and there's always a risk of other stuff creeping in...
So I guess what I need to know is, is it normal? And would counselling make any difference to his case when it comes to court?
We've not had sex in years (he has "difficulty" but won't see a doctor), so it's not changes our relationship in those terms, except that now i think he doesn't *want* to change if he can't see that this isn't right. It worries me that having this stuff in his tablet isn't going to look good, even if it is legal, and there's always a risk of other stuff creeping in...
So I guess what I need to know is, is it normal? And would counselling make any difference to his case when it comes to court?
My partner did exactly the same. I try to remove the opportunity for him. The phone is has is about a hundred years old and does not have internet capabilities and he no longer has access to a computer. I originally put child locks with passwords on everything but porn can be accessed through all sorts of innocent sounding sites so that didn't work . It's hard for us to understand what drive's them to do this considering the trouble it's got them into but I figure it must be like any addiction. I smoke, I'm fully aware of the damage it's doing to my health yet I continue.
What makes a difference in court is a willingness to accept responsibilty and making efforts to change and insure it never happens again. So yes seeing a councellor, making life changes, seeking therapy for porn addiction even if that via sex addicts anonymous or other similar group, all make a huge difference at court. Doing nothing, not taking responsibilty and still watching porn daily will have a negative impact. But you cannot make him change, for any of those things to work he needs to recognise he has an issue and make steps himself to change. It's a slippery slope to reoffending if he takes no steps to sort the issues.
Headsmashed it's funny you mention smoking, he smokes too and both me and his mam bought him vapes to use... And he did, once or twice, then went back to smoking. I asked him about it once, he said it just "wasn't the same" and as a non-smoker I wouldn't understand. I imagine the same mentality for his porn addiction.
I did think that still watching it looks like he isn't in control,, it will be very hard but he needs to make changes if he wants to help himself through this. It's something I can't do for him
I did think that still watching it looks like he isn't in control,, it will be very hard but he needs to make changes if he wants to help himself through this. It's something I can't do for him
It's absolutely an addiction. Some books to read that may help him open his eyes, and help you understand it better.
The Porn Trap - Wendy and Larry Maltz
In The Shadows of the Net - Patrick Carnes
Understanding Sex and Porn Addiction - Paula Hall
The Porn Trap - Wendy and Larry Maltz
In The Shadows of the Net - Patrick Carnes
Understanding Sex and Porn Addiction - Paula Hall
Hi kls
I have to agree with Maria about showing willingness to change, it doesn't appear that your husband wants to our can't at the moment.
All I will say is my husband ended up in court, no remorse, no effort to get help and very arrogant and ended up with a custodial sentence.
I know you can't force him to do what he doesn't want to buy maybe if he knows that helping himself may get him out of that obsessiveness around the porn and may help him in the long run.
To be honest if he's not wanting any help at the moment there isn't much you can do but I hope he realises what help he needs soon
Xx
I have to agree with Maria about showing willingness to change, it doesn't appear that your husband wants to our can't at the moment.
All I will say is my husband ended up in court, no remorse, no effort to get help and very arrogant and ended up with a custodial sentence.
I know you can't force him to do what he doesn't want to buy maybe if he knows that helping himself may get him out of that obsessiveness around the porn and may help him in the long run.
To be honest if he's not wanting any help at the moment there isn't much you can do but I hope he realises what help he needs soon
Xx
During one of my husbands courses it was said porn addiction withdrawal is similar to that of meth. It has a similar level when it comes to strength of addiction. My husband was desperate to change so we blocked all access to the internet. During the investigation and even now, the police check his devices. That was enough to make him prove that he could do this. If he doesn't cut down on the porn he may fall back down the rabbit hole, saying that it's normal for people to access porn. The police actually have a list of safe sites he can access but he will need to ask them for it.
Sally
i have just seen this, that’s really interesting, you would assume that by loosing everything they wouldn’t even consider looking at porn again.
meth? That’s crazy sometimes I wish my husband had a more socially acceptable addiction one where he didn’t loose everything he and I held dear.
i still care about him but I am still very angry about what happened.
has your husband been through lots of therapy this must have been brave for him and good on you for being able to see the person beyond the addiction.
the suffering this causes is immense. I am still dealing with the betrayal and loss all for a few sexual kicks or to shock himself emotionally. I don’t know my husband has told me that he doesn’t want to die but the pain to stop. So they must really feel guilt and pain.
sorry for message, I just saw your post and the meth thing really struck a cord. In drug addiction the quick high is not worth the consequences but they don’t blooming process the consequences properly.
i personal don’t understand addiction myself I know I have good impulse control but Iour partners, sons, brothers. Did not. You have a lot to offer sally blue thank you for posting.
i post frequently but I am still in early days . I admire the views of people who have been through this proces and reach out to help educate everyone.
it certainly helps me xxx
i have just seen this, that’s really interesting, you would assume that by loosing everything they wouldn’t even consider looking at porn again.
meth? That’s crazy sometimes I wish my husband had a more socially acceptable addiction one where he didn’t loose everything he and I held dear.
i still care about him but I am still very angry about what happened.
has your husband been through lots of therapy this must have been brave for him and good on you for being able to see the person beyond the addiction.
the suffering this causes is immense. I am still dealing with the betrayal and loss all for a few sexual kicks or to shock himself emotionally. I don’t know my husband has told me that he doesn’t want to die but the pain to stop. So they must really feel guilt and pain.
sorry for message, I just saw your post and the meth thing really struck a cord. In drug addiction the quick high is not worth the consequences but they don’t blooming process the consequences properly.
i personal don’t understand addiction myself I know I have good impulse control but Iour partners, sons, brothers. Did not. You have a lot to offer sally blue thank you for posting.
i post frequently but I am still in early days . I admire the views of people who have been through this proces and reach out to help educate everyone.
it certainly helps me xxx
Tracey
pleased your still reaching out think you said in an earlier post things feel worse now being a year in. Maybe because your first months were surviving the shock of the offending and consequences for you and now you have space for your mind to process the loss. It’s huge so don’t feel your not doing well. You are. I have a million questions still.
i loved my husband but I feel I don’t know him. I will be ending the marriage but I can still show a level of compassion.
hope your husband does accept support when he is ready. I know them reflecting on everything may make it easier for the partners left behind.
i hope you can still have a relaxed Easter weekend and you and your dogs enjoy the sunshine xxx
pleased your still reaching out think you said in an earlier post things feel worse now being a year in. Maybe because your first months were surviving the shock of the offending and consequences for you and now you have space for your mind to process the loss. It’s huge so don’t feel your not doing well. You are. I have a million questions still.
i loved my husband but I feel I don’t know him. I will be ending the marriage but I can still show a level of compassion.
hope your husband does accept support when he is ready. I know them reflecting on everything may make it easier for the partners left behind.
i hope you can still have a relaxed Easter weekend and you and your dogs enjoy the sunshine xxx
Without doubt it’s an addiction, and people with multiple addictions say that this particular one is the most difficult one to beat. I can’t understand it but I believe it. I am thankful not to be in the grip of something like this and knowing that it’s an addiction helps me to be sympathetic. It can be overcome, and my husband has been extremely proactive in wanting to be rid of it. Without this determination and remorse I would not have been as supportive. Groups like SAA have been enormously helpful in turning things around. There is help out there for those determined enough to pursue it. Like alcohol and drug addiction, the desire to want to change has to come from the offender, and I admire those who stick with it.
My husband found SMART Recovery, an addiction treatment group, to be very beneficial. He goes to SAA every few weeks still (and now has his 12 month token, he keeps it in his wallet to remind him every day), but he said SMART was better for teaching methods to get 'clean' and stay that way. It is free and you just need to find a local one. I believe it's reccommended by the police as well.
Saw this old thread and wanted to ask: OP, how did you deal with this problem? Right now I have similar issues with my brother. He's 17 y.o and already has a problem. He watched porn and got caught on it. Now he's watching hentai manga. And every time I tell him to stop, he says that this is different. Me and my mom - we both just got tired of all this. At the other point... well, I don't know. It really looks different from a regular porn. The brother told us that this is a way to quit porn. Maybe it is and we both just overreacting?