Do I tell?
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Hi,
I'm really sorry you've found yourself here, I hope the break at your parents has helped. I understand them not wanting more people to know, and I found that generally you only tell those that need to know. But peoples reactions can surprise you, I was terrified of telling people but those we have told have been amazing and supported us. You need to look after yourself and if telling your best friend gives you that support then you need to do that.
I also work for the NHS, my boss has been amazing. You can't loose your job over this. If you decided to stay with your partner their conviction could sometimes come up as an advisory note on your dbs check-but manager has said it wouldn't affect my position at all. I have also been referred to LADO but am hopeful that will be ok as well. (This was by social services and not the police)
This forum is an amazing place of strength and knowledge so keep coming back to it x
I'm really sorry you've found yourself here, I hope the break at your parents has helped. I understand them not wanting more people to know, and I found that generally you only tell those that need to know. But peoples reactions can surprise you, I was terrified of telling people but those we have told have been amazing and supported us. You need to look after yourself and if telling your best friend gives you that support then you need to do that.
I also work for the NHS, my boss has been amazing. You can't loose your job over this. If you decided to stay with your partner their conviction could sometimes come up as an advisory note on your dbs check-but manager has said it wouldn't affect my position at all. I have also been referred to LADO but am hopeful that will be ok as well. (This was by social services and not the police)
This forum is an amazing place of strength and knowledge so keep coming back to it x
I'm so sorry you find yourself here but I'm glad you felt you were able to go to your parents. It's such a lonely place to be, I found out a couple of weeks before Christmas and felt that I needed to carry on like things were normal for a few weeks, I was close to breaking point when I told my parents and its been such a huge relief.
I can't comment on your work situation and only you can really know how your friend may react, as mentioned above people can act in unpredictable ways - Positively and negatively. I would say that you need to look after your own wellbeing, however much you may want to be loyal and supportive, you've found yourself in this position through no fault of your own and it will likely take its toll on you. I have 2 safe spaces, my parents and a very close friend, it has helped me greatly knowing there are 2 people I can offload to or at the very least not have to pretend I'm living a normal life to. I felt comfortable in telling my friend because I knew that she'd put the support I needed above any other judgement. It may have helped that I was quite illusive and vague with her for sometime, she respect my privacy i felt I could trust her when she called just wanting to check I was safe, it was clear she wanted to support me, whatever I was going though. I'm very lucky to have her.
In regards to feeling scared in the home. You are in very early days, from what I've seen charges will take a year or more to arrive. Things don't tend to make the press until court. When they do there are things that can be done, such as there being a marker on your address with the police, meaning they will respond to you as a matter of priority if there is any trouble. But these are all much further down the line. For now you need to focus on what you need, I'd highly recommend calling the Lucy Faithfull helpline, I've found them very helpful. It's all still very new to you and your emotions will be all over the place. It will be an emotional roller-coaster and there will be some really low days, but there will be days that feel normal too.
Keep checking in here too, the ladies here are a very supportive bunch.
I can't comment on your work situation and only you can really know how your friend may react, as mentioned above people can act in unpredictable ways - Positively and negatively. I would say that you need to look after your own wellbeing, however much you may want to be loyal and supportive, you've found yourself in this position through no fault of your own and it will likely take its toll on you. I have 2 safe spaces, my parents and a very close friend, it has helped me greatly knowing there are 2 people I can offload to or at the very least not have to pretend I'm living a normal life to. I felt comfortable in telling my friend because I knew that she'd put the support I needed above any other judgement. It may have helped that I was quite illusive and vague with her for sometime, she respect my privacy i felt I could trust her when she called just wanting to check I was safe, it was clear she wanted to support me, whatever I was going though. I'm very lucky to have her.
In regards to feeling scared in the home. You are in very early days, from what I've seen charges will take a year or more to arrive. Things don't tend to make the press until court. When they do there are things that can be done, such as there being a marker on your address with the police, meaning they will respond to you as a matter of priority if there is any trouble. But these are all much further down the line. For now you need to focus on what you need, I'd highly recommend calling the Lucy Faithfull helpline, I've found them very helpful. It's all still very new to you and your emotions will be all over the place. It will be an emotional roller-coaster and there will be some really low days, but there will be days that feel normal too.
Keep checking in here too, the ladies here are a very supportive bunch.
Hi MC
My partner begged me not to tell anyone. My view is that as his actions have got us into this mess he has forfeit the right to tell me what he thinks I should or should not do.
I have told a couple of trusted friends, and a close business contact who was very supportive and also able to recommend a counsellor for me. It has been great to have these people to speak to and they have been incredibly supportive and relatively non-judgemental.
I have not yet told any family members, and I'm becoming aware that as the time goes on, for me, telling them will be harder.
Who, when, (and if) you tell is a personal decision that only you can make. You have to remember that 1. you cannot "untell", 2. that who you tell may not react in a way you expect, and 3. that you have no control over who they might pass the information on to. However if you can confide in someone trustworthy you will probably find them to be a great support.
I found counselling very helpful because you can say all those things that you might yourself think harsh or unsayable, and it's good to get this out rather than bottling it up. Others here have found their GP helpful.
Ultimately you may tell a few close family members and friends but you don't have have to tell all of them, ever. This is his story not yours, and in any case nobody tells all their friends/family members/acquaintances about every aspect of their life.
My partner begged me not to tell anyone. My view is that as his actions have got us into this mess he has forfeit the right to tell me what he thinks I should or should not do.
I have told a couple of trusted friends, and a close business contact who was very supportive and also able to recommend a counsellor for me. It has been great to have these people to speak to and they have been incredibly supportive and relatively non-judgemental.
I have not yet told any family members, and I'm becoming aware that as the time goes on, for me, telling them will be harder.
Who, when, (and if) you tell is a personal decision that only you can make. You have to remember that 1. you cannot "untell", 2. that who you tell may not react in a way you expect, and 3. that you have no control over who they might pass the information on to. However if you can confide in someone trustworthy you will probably find them to be a great support.
I found counselling very helpful because you can say all those things that you might yourself think harsh or unsayable, and it's good to get this out rather than bottling it up. Others here have found their GP helpful.
Ultimately you may tell a few close family members and friends but you don't have have to tell all of them, ever. This is his story not yours, and in any case nobody tells all their friends/family members/acquaintances about every aspect of their life.
Hi MC
Just wanted to reach out to you as I also work in Similar field as you, I would suggest speaking with your manager, better to hear it from you. You don't have to Ofcourse but they can offer support and make that assessment, mine has decided I can't take laptop home which is fine by me and they feel that is enough to mitigate the risk I guess to themselves and me as an employee.
Sending out Huge Hugs I know how rubbish this all can be but remember you have done nothing wrong! Xx
Just wanted to reach out to you as I also work in Similar field as you, I would suggest speaking with your manager, better to hear it from you. You don't have to Ofcourse but they can offer support and make that assessment, mine has decided I can't take laptop home which is fine by me and they feel that is enough to mitigate the risk I guess to themselves and me as an employee.
Sending out Huge Hugs I know how rubbish this all can be but remember you have done nothing wrong! Xx
The advice given already I hope you find helpful, I don't have much more to add really.
But I do want to point out that it can take years for a conviction and you need support to help through this time, whether it be friends and family and/or counseling.
I can't remember what your ex is being investigated for but want to say that not all cases go to the media. There is no real pattern to be able to know for sure, unless they are a person with responsibility ( teacher, MP etc). Also if for possession and distribution it doesn't always land as custodial. That is why I kept it to myself as my partner had a slight chance it would not go to custodial.
I had hoped to never tell anyone, and for a long while I managed it. It wasn't until four years after the knock I told my mum and step dad, and that was because the police strongly advised. I had kept the court dates secret and the conviction hidden. It is a strain I will admit but I have got used to lying and dodging the subject.
It was mostly because I didn't know how people would react, and I didn't want it to be a big elephant in the room. But I have found from my own experience, my partner's experience with friends and family and from those on this forum that those who closest to you are more likely to be empathetic to a better degree than someone who is more distant. They know your character and would not want to see you hurt and suffering.
If you do Decide to tell your friend, prepare that she may need some time to process the information and just let her know you are letting her know because you really don't want to be alone in this.
I do think where possible people should get support from non family members where possible. I have only had my partner's family and friends to talk to and it's family members that don't really want to discuss it and bury their head in the sand. And that frustrates me. His friends are more openly encouraging for him to stick to his rehabilitation
But I do want to point out that it can take years for a conviction and you need support to help through this time, whether it be friends and family and/or counseling.
I can't remember what your ex is being investigated for but want to say that not all cases go to the media. There is no real pattern to be able to know for sure, unless they are a person with responsibility ( teacher, MP etc). Also if for possession and distribution it doesn't always land as custodial. That is why I kept it to myself as my partner had a slight chance it would not go to custodial.
I had hoped to never tell anyone, and for a long while I managed it. It wasn't until four years after the knock I told my mum and step dad, and that was because the police strongly advised. I had kept the court dates secret and the conviction hidden. It is a strain I will admit but I have got used to lying and dodging the subject.
It was mostly because I didn't know how people would react, and I didn't want it to be a big elephant in the room. But I have found from my own experience, my partner's experience with friends and family and from those on this forum that those who closest to you are more likely to be empathetic to a better degree than someone who is more distant. They know your character and would not want to see you hurt and suffering.
If you do Decide to tell your friend, prepare that she may need some time to process the information and just let her know you are letting her know because you really don't want to be alone in this.
I do think where possible people should get support from non family members where possible. I have only had my partner's family and friends to talk to and it's family members that don't really want to discuss it and bury their head in the sand. And that frustrates me. His friends are more openly encouraging for him to stick to his rehabilitation