Coping when they go to prison
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Hi all
So my hubby hasn't been charged yet. But he will be. Just a matter of time. I'm then convinced he will get a custodial. If he doesn't then that's a bonus. But - I'm just not that lucky.
So my question is for all you ladies that have partner in prison now or in the past. How did you cope?
finanically? Emotionally? Raising the kids and keeping them ok (my LO is only 5 months)? Knowing they were ok?
What did you do to prepare practically? Power of attorney? Letters? Birthday cards pre written? What didn't you do that you wished you had?
I might be a long way off needing this. But it's all I can think of. Especially after a tough few days with the baby - I just don't know how I can do this alone.
So my hubby hasn't been charged yet. But he will be. Just a matter of time. I'm then convinced he will get a custodial. If he doesn't then that's a bonus. But - I'm just not that lucky.
So my question is for all you ladies that have partner in prison now or in the past. How did you cope?
finanically? Emotionally? Raising the kids and keeping them ok (my LO is only 5 months)? Knowing they were ok?
What did you do to prepare practically? Power of attorney? Letters? Birthday cards pre written? What didn't you do that you wished you had?
I might be a long way off needing this. But it's all I can think of. Especially after a tough few days with the baby - I just don't know how I can do this alone.
Hi,
I'm currently living on the outside with 2 young children. He's serving a 2 year sentence (12 months in, 12 months on license).
Firstly, all the horror stories of prisons are exactly that. Stories. He's not once felt threatened on the vp wing. I mean it's not easy, it's not meant to be but he's safe.
It took a few weeks to establish contact properly. Now we write, phone, email. It was a very intense few weeks at first but now its routine and we're cracking through the days. It gets easier.
My 2 children have always been my number one priority. It's hard work being a truly single parent. I've made sure I've claimed everything that I am entitled to. I like to call myself a jammer - Just About Managing.
There are a few good threads on preparing for prison life on here. If you need anything specific just ask.
Charity Children Heard and Seen are a godsend. One of the ladies on here facilities a group for parents who have a partner in prison (specific to sexual offending). Make sure you get in touch with them if he does get a custodial.
Ill keep everything crossed for you.
X
I'm currently living on the outside with 2 young children. He's serving a 2 year sentence (12 months in, 12 months on license).
Firstly, all the horror stories of prisons are exactly that. Stories. He's not once felt threatened on the vp wing. I mean it's not easy, it's not meant to be but he's safe.
It took a few weeks to establish contact properly. Now we write, phone, email. It was a very intense few weeks at first but now its routine and we're cracking through the days. It gets easier.
My 2 children have always been my number one priority. It's hard work being a truly single parent. I've made sure I've claimed everything that I am entitled to. I like to call myself a jammer - Just About Managing.
There are a few good threads on preparing for prison life on here. If you need anything specific just ask.
Charity Children Heard and Seen are a godsend. One of the ladies on here facilities a group for parents who have a partner in prison (specific to sexual offending). Make sure you get in touch with them if he does get a custodial.
Ill keep everything crossed for you.
X
Hi ScaredLamb, I was scrolling through and came across your post.
My childrens dad has been on remand for 7 months. I'm not going to lie but it's been really hard :(
He was the main provider for us all so it's been financially hard which caused me and his 4 children to become homeless due to me not being able to afford the rent (was pregnant at the time). I gave birth in December and it's proven impossible to put him on the birth certificate :(
In his cell he has his own phone so he's able to ring when Ever he wants. Writing letters is very straight forward for him aswell. Visiting can be a little bit hard because the VP's are shoved in the corner of the room which makes it obvious that he's a "sex offender" (currently in a main prison). They do video calls which are quite good.
Everything is hard for the first couple of weeks but you will get use to it all and so will he, just take it day by day (my fingers are crossed for you that your partner doesn't get a custodial)
xx
My childrens dad has been on remand for 7 months. I'm not going to lie but it's been really hard :(
He was the main provider for us all so it's been financially hard which caused me and his 4 children to become homeless due to me not being able to afford the rent (was pregnant at the time). I gave birth in December and it's proven impossible to put him on the birth certificate :(
In his cell he has his own phone so he's able to ring when Ever he wants. Writing letters is very straight forward for him aswell. Visiting can be a little bit hard because the VP's are shoved in the corner of the room which makes it obvious that he's a "sex offender" (currently in a main prison). They do video calls which are quite good.
Everything is hard for the first couple of weeks but you will get use to it all and so will he, just take it day by day (my fingers are crossed for you that your partner doesn't get a custodial)
xx
Thanks ladies
we had a good chat today about it and were talking about some of the things we want to get prepared just in case.
im now feeling like the worst wife ever as I said I would want him to do videos and birthday card ect for our baby girl because I am worried she would forget him being so little. Well he just broke down. He hadn't considered that she might not know who he is if he gets custodial. He's such a strong person but this thought has broken him. I'm such an idiot for planting the thought. Of course I've said I'll make sure it doesn't happen and we will hopefully get visits ect but I just feel bloody awful for saying anything.
Not a good day today. ????
we had a good chat today about it and were talking about some of the things we want to get prepared just in case.
im now feeling like the worst wife ever as I said I would want him to do videos and birthday card ect for our baby girl because I am worried she would forget him being so little. Well he just broke down. He hadn't considered that she might not know who he is if he gets custodial. He's such a strong person but this thought has broken him. I'm such an idiot for planting the thought. Of course I've said I'll make sure it doesn't happen and we will hopefully get visits ect but I just feel bloody awful for saying anything.
Not a good day today. ????
Hi ScaredLamb,
our stories are so similar and I am now trying to prepare myself for a custodial next month when sentencing is likely to happen.
I have hugely worried that my daughter will forget him, but I spoke with the charity Children Heard and Seen and they were amazing.
if it helps, they gave me the below tips:
- take as many pictures of your little girl and Dad, and the three of you together, as possible and put them up around the house and in Your daughter's room.
Maybe record videos on your phone as well which you can show to Your little girl if necessary.
-maybe ask Dad to voice record or video record himself reading bedtime stories, and also other little voice notes that you could play if needed.
Storybook Dads (a charity that voice records dads reading bedtime books) isn't available in all prisons, and depending on the contact that the prison allow may or may not be available.
If you do them now, you won't need to worry about that, or have a long wait, ask him to write birthday cards, Christmas cards now, so that you have them, and maybe record Happy Birthday voice notes which you can play to your little girl.
- It sounds like you have a good relationship with the current social worker, but you may have a different social worker down the line.
Ask the social worker what level of contact she would be suggesting if Dad was to get a custodial sentence. Try and get anything she says in writing in case you need it later on down the line.
- A good tip for any conversation you have with a social worker over the phone is to email them after the call summarising what you have discussed.
This way there is at least some written record. If you are able to copy another professional into those emails, you also have someone else who can provide that evidence if needed.
I guess that some of these ideas could be deemed a bit defeatist, or that the worst is going to happen, but I think the more that you can prepare for the worst case scenario the better things might be.
It also might feel hard for Dad to do some of these things when I imagine he might want to stay positive.xx
our stories are so similar and I am now trying to prepare myself for a custodial next month when sentencing is likely to happen.
I have hugely worried that my daughter will forget him, but I spoke with the charity Children Heard and Seen and they were amazing.
if it helps, they gave me the below tips:
- take as many pictures of your little girl and Dad, and the three of you together, as possible and put them up around the house and in Your daughter's room.
Maybe record videos on your phone as well which you can show to Your little girl if necessary.
-maybe ask Dad to voice record or video record himself reading bedtime stories, and also other little voice notes that you could play if needed.
Storybook Dads (a charity that voice records dads reading bedtime books) isn't available in all prisons, and depending on the contact that the prison allow may or may not be available.
If you do them now, you won't need to worry about that, or have a long wait, ask him to write birthday cards, Christmas cards now, so that you have them, and maybe record Happy Birthday voice notes which you can play to your little girl.
- It sounds like you have a good relationship with the current social worker, but you may have a different social worker down the line.
Ask the social worker what level of contact she would be suggesting if Dad was to get a custodial sentence. Try and get anything she says in writing in case you need it later on down the line.
- A good tip for any conversation you have with a social worker over the phone is to email them after the call summarising what you have discussed.
This way there is at least some written record. If you are able to copy another professional into those emails, you also have someone else who can provide that evidence if needed.
I guess that some of these ideas could be deemed a bit defeatist, or that the worst is going to happen, but I think the more that you can prepare for the worst case scenario the better things might be.
It also might feel hard for Dad to do some of these things when I imagine he might want to stay positive.xx
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