Any survivors in this mess too?
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Received the knock in June 2021. Husband was having a sex conversation about "swaping me for a 12 year old" which got extreme. The other person then told him locations and my husband then stopped the conversation. He told the police that it was all a fantasy but obviously wasn't enough and he's been on bail since with the restrictions that he can not stay with minors unsupervised.
Now, besides the obvious shock and anger, besides how all the practicalities of everyday life have been screwed (he was a stay at home dad, we have two kids of 8 and 4) here's the kicker: I was sexually abused as a child myself by two older men from the ages of 6 to 10.
I have been dealing with the sequels of that abuse all my life, from deep depresion, anxiety, extreme low self esteem. In 2008 I manage with his support to stop contact with my family, as one of the abuser was part of them.
So for him to do this, is the lowest a person can do.
He's remorseful, has done all the work but I'm not sure if this marriage can continue. I still love him, but Christ, from all the things he could do, he did *that*.
For my experience, this is very common. Way more comon than people think, so I was wondering, any other survivors here too?
I feel so alone.
Now, besides the obvious shock and anger, besides how all the practicalities of everyday life have been screwed (he was a stay at home dad, we have two kids of 8 and 4) here's the kicker: I was sexually abused as a child myself by two older men from the ages of 6 to 10.
I have been dealing with the sequels of that abuse all my life, from deep depresion, anxiety, extreme low self esteem. In 2008 I manage with his support to stop contact with my family, as one of the abuser was part of them.
So for him to do this, is the lowest a person can do.
He's remorseful, has done all the work but I'm not sure if this marriage can continue. I still love him, but Christ, from all the things he could do, he did *that*.
For my experience, this is very common. Way more comon than people think, so I was wondering, any other survivors here too?
I feel so alone.
Just wanted to reach out to say that you are not alone in your situation. I wish that I could be more help to both yourself and all the amazing ladies on this forum. I have been in the same place as you as a child and now trying to support my loved one through one hell of a mess that he has created. It has brought back the most awful memories of things that I never , ever wished to think about again. Sending hugs and the kindest wishes to you all xx
Hi Green
I'm sorry that you are here in this abhorrent situation. Yes, I too am a survivor of abuse as a child. It could have been much worse, yours certainly sounds that way, but, yes, it happened and has never ever gone away or lessened. I don't know about you but, my husband knew a bit about this. He knew what my reactions always were involving anything around this, even talking about child abuse has always been enough to set me back and he still became involved in this. I have often wondered if this is why, he knew it was the thing he could do that there was no going back from.
I really hope you find some comfort or resolution soon. I know I probably shouldn't share this here but...I despise men.
Sending you great big hugs
Annamarie
I'm sorry that you are here in this abhorrent situation. Yes, I too am a survivor of abuse as a child. It could have been much worse, yours certainly sounds that way, but, yes, it happened and has never ever gone away or lessened. I don't know about you but, my husband knew a bit about this. He knew what my reactions always were involving anything around this, even talking about child abuse has always been enough to set me back and he still became involved in this. I have often wondered if this is why, he knew it was the thing he could do that there was no going back from.
I really hope you find some comfort or resolution soon. I know I probably shouldn't share this here but...I despise men.
Sending you great big hugs
Annamarie
Hi Green and friends
Yes, I am also a survivor of child sex abuse. I have worked really hard over the years to overcome the effects of a difficult childhood when not a single adult in the family could offer protection. I left home on the spur of the moment to live with someone I thought would care for me but turned out to be a cheat, a liar and a thief. And now my husband of thirty years, despite having knowledge of my upbringing and being aware of my background turns out to get sexual thrills from watching children being sexually abused.
I can fully understand the hurt, the indescribable pain, caused by such betrayal.
I have tried to support my husband through this horrendous legal process, supported him to try and overcome his porn addiction. I have also committed to couples counselling after the legal action is completed. But I can't commit to putting our relationship back together, to overcome the lack of trust I feel. I do know I will put my own recovery at the top of my things to do list, wherever that takes me.
Yes, I am also a survivor of child sex abuse. I have worked really hard over the years to overcome the effects of a difficult childhood when not a single adult in the family could offer protection. I left home on the spur of the moment to live with someone I thought would care for me but turned out to be a cheat, a liar and a thief. And now my husband of thirty years, despite having knowledge of my upbringing and being aware of my background turns out to get sexual thrills from watching children being sexually abused.
I can fully understand the hurt, the indescribable pain, caused by such betrayal.
I have tried to support my husband through this horrendous legal process, supported him to try and overcome his porn addiction. I have also committed to couples counselling after the legal action is completed. But I can't commit to putting our relationship back together, to overcome the lack of trust I feel. I do know I will put my own recovery at the top of my things to do list, wherever that takes me.
Sorry you've been subject to this forum by your husband, espeically given your historic abuse.
I think based just on what you're saying, in my opinion it sounds like it may have been just fantasy IF he stopped before locations and that's a big IF. Fantasies are just that, fictional ideas in our heads...
However, I would question the type of fantasies he's having if they involve a 12 year old... IT might suggest that he maybe has an inclination for a younger person ..
On the other side of the spoon... There's something called 'age play' where a person will pretend to be a younger person in a dynamic. However, these type of situations, to ensure they're legal should always take place between two consenting adults.
It depends on the work your partner has done to identify why he did this as to whether you believe him ...
Was it because it was age play related? Was it due to a real fantasy of 'playing' with minors?
I think based just on what you're saying, in my opinion it sounds like it may have been just fantasy IF he stopped before locations and that's a big IF. Fantasies are just that, fictional ideas in our heads...
However, I would question the type of fantasies he's having if they involve a 12 year old... IT might suggest that he maybe has an inclination for a younger person ..
On the other side of the spoon... There's something called 'age play' where a person will pretend to be a younger person in a dynamic. However, these type of situations, to ensure they're legal should always take place between two consenting adults.
It depends on the work your partner has done to identify why he did this as to whether you believe him ...
Was it because it was age play related? Was it due to a real fantasy of 'playing' with minors?
Hi Green,
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this especially with having gone through what you have in the past. I'm not a survivor but just wanted to offer my support to you and send you a virtual hug. I've been very invested in researching and watching lots of content surrounding the crimes mentioned on here and in regards to the conversation aspect I came across an interesting perspective from an offender in which he explained his actions resulted in wanting to re-live his younger years and he had absolutely no intention of being physical or attraction to minors, it was explained a lot better than I've put it and although it's still wrong it would explain why some men maybe do the online aspect. I think everyone and every case and motive is different to each other. I hope you manage to get the support you need and get through this xx
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this especially with having gone through what you have in the past. I'm not a survivor but just wanted to offer my support to you and send you a virtual hug. I've been very invested in researching and watching lots of content surrounding the crimes mentioned on here and in regards to the conversation aspect I came across an interesting perspective from an offender in which he explained his actions resulted in wanting to re-live his younger years and he had absolutely no intention of being physical or attraction to minors, it was explained a lot better than I've put it and although it's still wrong it would explain why some men maybe do the online aspect. I think everyone and every case and motive is different to each other. I hope you manage to get the support you need and get through this xx
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Hello all,
Apologies that I have taken so long in coming back. I usually come to this forum as a lurker and it takes a lot for open up.
Blockhound, he says that he did not gain anything from that. He's got an extremely low self esteem and was aiming to please, so he said things he did not meant. Now, do I belive that? So so. But that is just now, after a lot of therapy within myself. I'm still not sure about the marriage, but I'm taking everything as it comes.
He has not been called for a second interview and now the case has been submitted to CPS, which I see as a positive as nothing else has been found in the devices. His bail has been extended another month, which seems positive as all this time they have been extending to 3 months and as you all know the waiting game is the worse.
The past year has been a roller coaster of intense emotions and has tainted everything. I finally got the job of my dreams in this period yet I feel numb. I'm happy and sharpy outside, but I the inside I'm just jaded. But I rather feel this way than anger, sadness and extreme anxiety that I have been feeling at the beginning of this.
The solicitor said that the worst that could happen is suspended sentence and put on the register. But I have seen so many ladies here who's partners had worse fir similar that I don't know. I'm just taking everything one day at a time, because otherwise I won't be able to function for my kids, and I'm the only stability they have.
Thanks for listening and hope that whatever your path, you find peace and happiness at the end. We bloody deserve it.
Apologies that I have taken so long in coming back. I usually come to this forum as a lurker and it takes a lot for open up.
Blockhound, he says that he did not gain anything from that. He's got an extremely low self esteem and was aiming to please, so he said things he did not meant. Now, do I belive that? So so. But that is just now, after a lot of therapy within myself. I'm still not sure about the marriage, but I'm taking everything as it comes.
He has not been called for a second interview and now the case has been submitted to CPS, which I see as a positive as nothing else has been found in the devices. His bail has been extended another month, which seems positive as all this time they have been extending to 3 months and as you all know the waiting game is the worse.
The past year has been a roller coaster of intense emotions and has tainted everything. I finally got the job of my dreams in this period yet I feel numb. I'm happy and sharpy outside, but I the inside I'm just jaded. But I rather feel this way than anger, sadness and extreme anxiety that I have been feeling at the beginning of this.
The solicitor said that the worst that could happen is suspended sentence and put on the register. But I have seen so many ladies here who's partners had worse fir similar that I don't know. I'm just taking everything one day at a time, because otherwise I won't be able to function for my kids, and I'm the only stability they have.
Thanks for listening and hope that whatever your path, you find peace and happiness at the end. We bloody deserve it.