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Hi I am new to this site little about the background met my partner last June after 4 months he told me he been caught with indecent images, I said did they have boobs thinking it was still young but developed he did say yes. I spoke to his probation and this was not the case they were aged 6 to 11 65 images 18 level a 18 level b rest level c . My partner does seem genuinely disgusted in what he has done said it was only the once, I am still with him at the moment but it never is out of my mind every day I think about I do not take him to family events avoid places with children.does this ever get any better and u can lead a normal life
That must have been really difficult for you both. To hear that about a new partner must have been so hard. I dont know if life is ever normal, it depends what you want in life. I dont know how old you are but if you want to start a family or have lots of friends with kids that may be difficult, if he's on the register a long time will you end up needing to tell family or friends. It's good that he told you rather than you finding out another way. If you really want it to work you will find a way but if its on your mind constantly it must be hard to live like that. Have you spoken to anyone about how you feel and the impact it has on you.
Thanks for your reply yes it was good that he told me himself but I think he had to being it was a new relationship plus he was starting his community service he said he not want to lie every Saturday where he was, I am lucky to have older children so there is no worry of us having a family. I just struggle with can it be just the once he looked at this once or is this lies can’t seem to get my head around how it happened was it ,oh I’ll just have a look at images one night or is it in their heads all along,he did say he was drinking and on drugs at the time I know the search was for young teens that’s just as bad then he said they got younger, I feel drugs and drink are no excuse I know when I have been drunk can’t even text but he was able to search this in this state. I feel like he met me under false pretences it was not long after we met that he was being sentenced for this which I did not find out until later also he said he went to magistrate but was sentence at the crown crt so another lie. I have told my cousin who thinks I am mad for sticking by him she said she would of ran a mile.
Only you can decide if you can live with it or not. I'm not sure how I would have handled it if my partner had been viewing child abuse, it was bad enough what he had done. What makes you stay with him. I'm with my partner because i know he's telling the truth from talking to police and other professionals, his honesty and commitment to deal with issues that lead to the offence and total commitment to ensure nothing like this will happen again, we have a great relationship of almost 20 year and our lives are better together, we have the support of friends and family. Do you have to lie to family, or do your children know. There's no right or wrong answer, But if you want it to work then you will need support to help you get past the lies and the offence. Other people will always say what they think they would do but the reality can be very different. Only he will know if it was just the once, you will unlikely ever know if that is true or not. It's a very hard decision to support a partner or to leave.
Hi Thanks for the reply, No my sons do not know anything this would be devastating to them if they thought their mum would be with someone who has done what they have done. I feel like I am stuck in a bit of a ruff now that I have stayed after he told me, he has said I have changed his life for the better and he is booking things to do looking forward too the future,I feel guilty that I sometimes look at him and think your just a weirdo I know this sounds bad. But on the other hand we do have lots in common thought I met my soul mate when I met him was so happy loved up would never of thought this of him in a million years but they do say you can never tell.
Hi LouLou
The others are right, he would have had to have told you or probation would have, why didn't he tell you sooner?
For me, if they are looking more than the once, and it would have been a long look if he'd only looked once, then they need help. Not in every case but in a lot of cases there is a sexual interest in children,.
This is only a decision you can make, can you live a lie with your children/family, would you leave him alone with any grandchildren? If the answer to any of these is no then I think you need to seriously think about your choices.
That said, he can get help, he needs to be determined to change and just saying he'll never look again isn't good enough. I would assume through his probation he'll be on courses/workshops.
I'd been with my husband for 15 years but he showed no remorse and I couldn't live with what he's done, that's not too say I'm right and you're wrong, I think people that stay have a much tougher job than those that leave (my personal opinion only)
Give it some thought, don't stay through sympathy, don't go if you don't want to.
It's hard, keep coming on here, it may help
Xx
The others are right, he would have had to have told you or probation would have, why didn't he tell you sooner?
For me, if they are looking more than the once, and it would have been a long look if he'd only looked once, then they need help. Not in every case but in a lot of cases there is a sexual interest in children,.
This is only a decision you can make, can you live a lie with your children/family, would you leave him alone with any grandchildren? If the answer to any of these is no then I think you need to seriously think about your choices.
That said, he can get help, he needs to be determined to change and just saying he'll never look again isn't good enough. I would assume through his probation he'll be on courses/workshops.
I'd been with my husband for 15 years but he showed no remorse and I couldn't live with what he's done, that's not too say I'm right and you're wrong, I think people that stay have a much tougher job than those that leave (my personal opinion only)
Give it some thought, don't stay through sympathy, don't go if you don't want to.
It's hard, keep coming on here, it may help
Xx
Hi Thanks for reply. My partner got 100 hours community order, on the register for 5 years report to the police if he changes his vehicle, no courses to go on probation told me he was low risk of reoffending, no I would not leave him with any grandchildren I may finally have ,I don’t take him to family events as if it came out my friends and family would be disgusted if I brought someone knowing what I know. I would definitely feel the same if I had young children some where and someone I knew brought their partner knowing their conviction. I feel if I do stay we will have to live in are own little bubble not do normal things that families do.
Hi LouLou,
In short, yes it is possible to live a normal life. It's different but it becomes a new kind of normal. Good people can do bad things just as much as bad people can do good things. It is your choice on how you progress with the relationship. Some can overcome the stigma, some can't. It can be difficult I wont lie. I go to some family functions without my husband as I know some haven't forgiven him for his offending behaviour and likely they never will.
This is your time to ask all the questions you have for him. With a lot of men who go down this route there are underlying issues, whether its abuse in the past or porn addiction. There are relationship counselling services that can offer support. We saw a counsellor from my husband release to recently. It really helped us go through everything.
In short, yes it is possible to live a normal life. It's different but it becomes a new kind of normal. Good people can do bad things just as much as bad people can do good things. It is your choice on how you progress with the relationship. Some can overcome the stigma, some can't. It can be difficult I wont lie. I go to some family functions without my husband as I know some haven't forgiven him for his offending behaviour and likely they never will.
This is your time to ask all the questions you have for him. With a lot of men who go down this route there are underlying issues, whether its abuse in the past or porn addiction. There are relationship counselling services that can offer support. We saw a counsellor from my husband release to recently. It really helped us go through everything.
Lou Lou
You say you won't be having children with him but what of your children give you grandchildren? Would you then tell your children to give them the chance to safeguard them? If that's the case would many years of lies hurt more?
You say you won't be having children with him but what of your children give you grandchildren? Would you then tell your children to give them the chance to safeguard them? If that's the case would many years of lies hurt more?