Family and Friends Forum

Hey lovely,

I'm so sorry you find yourself here and totally sympathise with how you are feeling. Firstly, has your partner explained exactly why the photos were there? Does he have porn addiction which has led him to end up with the images for example? Trying to understand exactly why may help with fathoming what you're potentially looking at in terms of charges. There are some positive stories but there are also some negative ones too, other people's experiences are great when it comes to support but unfortunately even when it is the same crime the outcomes can be totally different so it's best not to cling too much to that. My best advice for you is to speak with your partner about exactly what led him here and look towards getting support with whatever that may be, at this stage you may decide to support your partner but you may change your mind later on and that is ok, you are totally in control of YOUR life. The charges (if any) can take anywhere from 4/6 months to over a year so there is plenty of time to decide what you want to do. Has he admitted it to the Police that they are his images? What did his solicitor say in the interview? Look after yourself and don't let it consume you, we can't control what's going to happen but we can control how much we let it affect our lives. It's tough but I promise you it gets so much easier xx

Hi

After reading your post I felt the need to reply to you. The early days are filled with lots of emotion and confusion and I really feel for you all.

I would recommend you speak with the helpline for support and advice as soon as you feel able to. Your partner can also ring them too. If your parents have the need to speak to someone they too could contact the helpline.

Please remember to look after yourself - a visit to your GP maybe something you decide to do if you are struggling and feel they would be supportive to you.

Thinking of you.

You're most welcome hun. To be honest giving a no comment is probably for the best in a lot of cases where evidence may be weak because once there is a confession then there is little in way of a defence. If he has downloaded by accident and hasn't viewed this should be able to be picked up by forensics and that's where the solicitor will step in, if that is the case it's vital he doesn't speak to the Police without a solicitor and ensures the solicitor does what needs to be done. In my case which is a communication charge the forensics report showed that 0 searches for images were made and also there were 3 videos which were in a stupid lads Whatsapp that had saved to his phone which were extreme pornography (and apparently illegal) but weren't viewed, I guess if searches have been made for that kind of content it strengthens a case if images are actually found hence why it's included in the report. It's very difficult to ascertain truth from your partner at this stage but you know him best and obviously he will know that the Police can uncover everything so if he did download by accident and hasn't viewed then ensure you fight for that and get advice from the solicitor when the time comes. Unfortunately there isn't anything proactive you can do at the moment apart from your partner seeking help from addiction and yourself keeping an eye on this forum for things which might help. Once charges are posted (if they are) then that's when you can start looking at things more closely. Xx

I was in my mid 20s when I found out about my partner. I'm now approaching 30... My partner was found to have downloaded iioc, hence the knock. He had been hiding his addiction to Extreme and illegal porn, he also was hooked on chat rooms. Pretending to be young to chat to adults etc. This had been going on for ten years and so a lot was found.

Investigations can be a long process and doesn't always correlate with the amount of images that may be found. I would recommend reaching out to the helpline yourself, and suggest to your partner to get help too. There is the inform course which my partner really appreciated. Such courses and therapy is to help kick the addiction and triggers asap. Because as I said it can be a long time before any other help is given, if at all.

My partner's case didn't go to the media. We have had a relatively normal life and only a handful know about his conviction. He has had a new job since the conviction (as they never asked for background checks or asked about convictions) and we live together and enjoy going out and holiday etc. It is easy, but manageable.

Kim happy to answer any questions as I have been on this journey for about 4 years now and it started when I was also in my 20s.

Sorry you find yourself here too. Don't make any hasty decisions, they could change daily, don't feel like you need to look after him just bcos he has nobody else either. There are always options. Are your parents supporting him? Has been spoken to them and being open and honest with them? No advice as such as we are still waiting for charges. This journey is the pits but certainly makes you stronger.

Majestic - May I ask what the charges were and time line for charges, court, sentencing etc?

I am totally heartbroken. My son has been charged with having indecent images on his phone he was 17 at the time. The police came last year and took all his devices and the next day had to attend the station for an involuntary interview. Moving on a year he is now on bail and the evidence is with the cps. Im so scared he will go to prison and dread this going into my local paper I am just broken. What happens next will we get a court date or have to wait to hear from the police.



thanks

It is early days for you but I wanted to give you the insight that marriage and mortgage is possible. We are getting married at some point and are about to get our first property. His conviction needs to be disclosed for insurance purposes, not all companies will take us on but the ones that do might charge a bit more. This is the same for car insurance too.

In regards to children...I personally don't want kids but have been told after his conviction that it would be possible but not easy. My partner is on the SOR for another 8 years, same for the prevention order which prevents him being in contact with under 16s unless Social services say it's ok. When you know more about the likely outcome you can make a decision on the future.

Hello ACompleteMess,

Firstly, I just want to extend lots of love and support to you. I am 3 years post knock. I do not often post on here, but seeing your message resonated with me particularly because we are around about the same age, and I felt incredibly lost and alone that this too, happened to me so young aswell. I was 29 when this happened to me, I was about to get married and was a few months away from the wedding before the knock changed my life forever and was all truly devastating. I felt as a young woman on the cusp of ‘adult life’ I did not know where to turn as no one I knew could relate to what I was going through. It is however a bitter sweet comfort to be able to connect with the wonderful women here on this forum and is nice to virtually meet you. Please know that you are not alone and that no one knows the ‘right’ way to deal with this. I hope my (very long!!) post helps you in some way.

I am in the process of writing a book about my experiences catered towards helping women overcome adversity in the context of crime. In particular crimes as taboo as this one, can create a huge burden of shame upon the women left behind. The intention of my work is to write the book I wish I could have read when I was at the start of my journey. In therapy I learnt that an important part of the healing process is to ‘face the beast’ and face the harsh reality of what you are dealing with.

With that sentiment in mind, know that what I am going to say is said only from my personal experience, learned lessons from therapy and with the benefit of hindsight of over 3 years. I hope it is useful…….

Firstly – My story and background – being so young was both a blessing and a curse because it gave me options. I had not yet married this man, and we had no children and no ties (we did however share property and finances which needed to be divided). In my mind I just could not justify choosing to marry someone knowing they were a sex offender when there were thousands of other potential partners out there that were not.

I am a teacher and my response to this whole thing was of course of utter outrage on both a personal and professional level. Personally, I could not fathom how I could be working in a school upholding values of safeguarding and wellbeing of children – whilst coming home and sleeping in the same bed as someone who watched child pornography. Those two things, in my mind, just do not make sense. I know some women choose to forgive and work through it, but for me, continuing a relationship was just not an option for several reasons: 1) I was due to marry this man in a few months time and could not morally allow my dad to walk me down the aisle/give a speech and expect my family to accept him back into the family after what he did 2) The long term ramifications of being married to this man, I believed, would only cause me further stress and depression in the future and that was not a life I felt I deserved 3) Questions I asked myself were whether I would feel proud to have this man as the father of my future children? And what kind of role model he would be? I also considered how I would explain to these hypothetical children that their father looked at child porn and how I would explain to my family and friends that knowing all this I chose to marry him anyway….. this was not, for me, a future I wanted or deserved and I felt it was the right decision for me to leave. It sounds harsh, but it was a terribly heartbreaking decision to make at the time. Like I said, being so young was both a blessing and a curse but it allowed me the freedom to walk away and have a chance to start again without any ties. That is not to say older people can’t do the same! But I am saying it is more straightforward as I didn’t have kids with/was not married to him.

Perhaps I have become less emotive and rational over time in coming to terms with what happened to me. Believe me, I was not always this way! But what I say is absolutely intended with empathy and love in the knowledge that everyone is different and there are so many nuanced complexities to this situation. You can only choose what is right for you. Below are some fundamental lessons I wish I had known at the start of my journey which I hope help you in some way:

**First thing – The root causes of these crimes stretch way beyond your control and is not your responsibility to fix. In therapy I was an absolute mess feeling really helpless and tried desperately to make it all go away. I was trying to comprehend the endless spiral of questions that were going through my mind! But it comes down to this; we cannot control the actions of others no matter how desperately sad and heartbreaking. As women we tend to want to fix/help our loved ones and do everything we can, but we simply cannot do that in this situation. I certainly felt a lot of blame/shame questioning myself e.g. Should I have seen the signs? How could I not have known? Could I have done something to help? Etc. Simply put, we cannot be responsible for other people’s actions. We can however, try to understand as best we can without it consuming our own wellbeing.

**Secondly - Emotionally it is a HUGE burden to bear and you must ensure your OWN mental wellbeing through all of this too. It is very easy to get absorbed into what HE is going through. It maybe feels very orientated around his needs, his fears, his actions, his future etc…but ultimately, it was also HIS behaviour that got you all into this mess in the first place…Essentially he has made his move (however remorseful he may be) facts are facts. I spent a long time in therapy coming to terms with this harsh truth and perhaps is a little jarring to hear, but that is exactly the point isn’t it? Psychotherapists often encourage and facilitate the ‘acceptance’ stage in order to gain clarity and understanding in what is happening to you. Because YOU MATTER too. Until you are able to take time for YOU and what you are thinking and feeling, only then are you able to have more objectivity and control over what you plan what to do next, it is after all, your life path that is affected too and you have every right to take some time to figure it all out on what is right for you without external influence. I highly recommend therapy and seeking a support network that has your best interests at heart.

**Thirdly – Life path - As a young woman and bride to be, my entire life trajectory was ripped from under me. I found myself ‘unplanning’ my own wedding which was incredibly heartbreaking, and suddenly having to forge a new life. What I found difficult at first, was seeing other people around me celebrating life’s happy milestones. In my early 30s, many friends celebrated engagements, weddings, babies etc while my world had come crashing down. It really was difficult. Understanding that ‘things happen for a reason’ I had to be grateful that I was somewhat ‘saved’ from a very different life and it was not ‘my time’ yet and to remain hopeful that one day I could still have all those things, but with the right person. Opening your heart to this possibility of starting again is terrifying, but is worth considering it is indeed an option if you feel that is the right path for you.

Lastly – Telling other people what happened – that was one of the most excruciating experiences of my life (My ex threatened to kill himself if I told anyone – so this was a huge fear but my mental health paid a heavy price for attempting to put his needs before my own). Remember that as painful as it is, the truth will always come out and can be a cathartic release to be honest and open about what is happening to you. This can be a positive thing by opening up a support network of family and friends who can truly help and be there in your time of need.

I wish you lots of luck and love – I am in my early 30s now and have worked hard to forge a new life but my experience has shaped me into who I am today. There is a life beyond this and the light at the end of the tunnel WILL come. One day at a time xxxxxxx

ACompleteMess I am 3 weeks in since the knock. Today would've been our 2nd wedding anniversary but since the knock the OH is living back with his mum. It's utterly heartbreaking! Due to me being a teacher he cannot live with me due to safeguarding issues and lado. We have had 5 family deaths in less than a year and this caused my OH to not want to be himself so chatted to others in chat rooms as well as taking prescription medication and smoking. He spoke to one person and then accepted them on Snapchat who put they were 13 but the OH didn't see it and sent them a pic of his area. Luckily the person wasn't 13 it was a police officer not that it makes it any better but in my mind I'm so glad it wasn't a child! He didn't remember anything and spoke about blackouts and wanting to not have to be brave and look after everyone all the time. When he was released and he told me this I spoke to the police officer and they clarified that he had told me the exact same thing he told them so he told me the truth. They've taken his phone as evidence and the pc and PS4 we're all clear. He has no images of anything just that he sent one. I love him so much, he's my best friend, OH and I've never not been without him. 16 years of knowing someone and 9 years together I never in the world expected this! I really want to stand by him but i just dread if anything else has happened which I don't know.