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Similar to other recent posts, just reaching out as struggling a bit at the moment.
Having to sort out my mortgage which is something OH would have done in the past, it's a mine field and I'm taking his name off too so even more complicated. Changing my name and been off work sick for a while (back now though), but all of these things added to the fact that he's in prison are making the process more difficult. And rates just keep going up at the moment. V stressful and ironically he is the one I want to talk to for advice, but we speak so much less these days and I can't just call him as he can only call out to me.
Also just struggling still with the distant friends who seem to 'be there for me', are happy to text and will ask how my counselling is going, but if I try to arrange to meet, always seem to have an excuse. In the middle of a text with one of them the other day, she just wrote: are you still in touch with him? And because I said yes as we're sorting out our mortgage etc, she just didn't reply to the next message. So difficult to see some really good friends, who never had anything to do with him anyway, drifting away and choosing to almost label me with him. Other friends say they will wait to see what info when he comes out, but even that is like they're implying that if I support him in any way our friendship may be over.
I am strong and I am proud of how much I've achieved in the last almost 6 months since he was sentenced. But it doesn't take away from the fact that I sometimes feel like I don't know what my purpose is anymore. I miss him, but can't even say that to him really as my work have said I can't be in a relationship with him as long as I work there. Trying to picture a future where he and I would just be friends. Knowing that kids with him would be difficult, all the logical things are clear in my mind, but still can't stop wondering what might happen if I did stay with him, maybe it would turn out okay.
I know I deserve to be happy, just hard to know how that will happen yet. Currently looking for other jobs in same sector but different setting, and am getting interviews but not been successful from them yet. Pressure will be on soon as last time I can hand notice in is end of Easter hols.
Weekends are a relief from the stress of being back at work, but I am a sociable person and trying to get the balance of having me time and seeing others is also hard. Before all of this I had plans most weekends, often trips away to see friends, now I'm less inclined to travel as much as it's only me.
I do have close friends I can rely on and my parents, but its still not the same, they can't really fill the hole that I'm currently feeling, the missing man in my life, the one who takes the other pillow, understands me, knows what I've been through, yes he caused it, but we lived through it together, which noone else in my life has.
Not really asking for advice this time, just needed a place to reach out as feeling a bit low this weekend.
Plus it feels like you get constant reminders, like you're on hyper alert - met up with a new friend and her family yday, was chatting to her partner who tells me he's a Social worker in SS and wants to leave as he sees its a broken system which isn't really helping families to stay together, but lives in fear of the risks. He has no idea of my situation, but crazy, like the universe trying to give me signs about what to do!
Anyway, rant over now. I hope you lovely ladies can enjoy a sunny sunday
X
Having to sort out my mortgage which is something OH would have done in the past, it's a mine field and I'm taking his name off too so even more complicated. Changing my name and been off work sick for a while (back now though), but all of these things added to the fact that he's in prison are making the process more difficult. And rates just keep going up at the moment. V stressful and ironically he is the one I want to talk to for advice, but we speak so much less these days and I can't just call him as he can only call out to me.
Also just struggling still with the distant friends who seem to 'be there for me', are happy to text and will ask how my counselling is going, but if I try to arrange to meet, always seem to have an excuse. In the middle of a text with one of them the other day, she just wrote: are you still in touch with him? And because I said yes as we're sorting out our mortgage etc, she just didn't reply to the next message. So difficult to see some really good friends, who never had anything to do with him anyway, drifting away and choosing to almost label me with him. Other friends say they will wait to see what info when he comes out, but even that is like they're implying that if I support him in any way our friendship may be over.
I am strong and I am proud of how much I've achieved in the last almost 6 months since he was sentenced. But it doesn't take away from the fact that I sometimes feel like I don't know what my purpose is anymore. I miss him, but can't even say that to him really as my work have said I can't be in a relationship with him as long as I work there. Trying to picture a future where he and I would just be friends. Knowing that kids with him would be difficult, all the logical things are clear in my mind, but still can't stop wondering what might happen if I did stay with him, maybe it would turn out okay.
I know I deserve to be happy, just hard to know how that will happen yet. Currently looking for other jobs in same sector but different setting, and am getting interviews but not been successful from them yet. Pressure will be on soon as last time I can hand notice in is end of Easter hols.
Weekends are a relief from the stress of being back at work, but I am a sociable person and trying to get the balance of having me time and seeing others is also hard. Before all of this I had plans most weekends, often trips away to see friends, now I'm less inclined to travel as much as it's only me.
I do have close friends I can rely on and my parents, but its still not the same, they can't really fill the hole that I'm currently feeling, the missing man in my life, the one who takes the other pillow, understands me, knows what I've been through, yes he caused it, but we lived through it together, which noone else in my life has.
Not really asking for advice this time, just needed a place to reach out as feeling a bit low this weekend.
Plus it feels like you get constant reminders, like you're on hyper alert - met up with a new friend and her family yday, was chatting to her partner who tells me he's a Social worker in SS and wants to leave as he sees its a broken system which isn't really helping families to stay together, but lives in fear of the risks. He has no idea of my situation, but crazy, like the universe trying to give me signs about what to do!
Anyway, rant over now. I hope you lovely ladies can enjoy a sunny sunday
X
Aww busylizzie
I couldn't not reply to you I feel your pain unlike you it is my son who offended and he has been on remand for nearly 7 months sentancing is later this month.
I have only confided in 2 work friends who have been amazing I to feel so alone most of the time and just in a constant state of sadness x
This is such a life changing experience and so many emotions my journey has been nearly 2 long years so far
Please keep reaching out in here it's a shame we can only contact on here
Please take care and sending hugs xx
I couldn't not reply to you I feel your pain unlike you it is my son who offended and he has been on remand for nearly 7 months sentancing is later this month.
I have only confided in 2 work friends who have been amazing I to feel so alone most of the time and just in a constant state of sadness x
This is such a life changing experience and so many emotions my journey has been nearly 2 long years so far
Please keep reaching out in here it's a shame we can only contact on here
Please take care and sending hugs xx
Thank you, sending you and your family all my love too. Even just knowing there are people out there who understand even if we'll never meet is a massive help and comfort. Although I wish none of us were here!
Xx
Xx
Hi BusyLizzie,
I ant do anything to help but I hear you loud and clear. Not at the same point in the journey as you, still waiting on court case and so fearful of custodial that I am ready making plans mentally on how I will manage.
I too feel the loneliness and also have the experience of viewing everything that happens through the lens of this situation - because of his bail conditions I am constantly aware when we are out and about if there are children nearby. I'm anxious when I see police cars and uncomfortable when crime shows on TV feature any kind of sex offence.
This group is good because it reassures me that at least I am not alone in this whole experience.
I ant do anything to help but I hear you loud and clear. Not at the same point in the journey as you, still waiting on court case and so fearful of custodial that I am ready making plans mentally on how I will manage.
I too feel the loneliness and also have the experience of viewing everything that happens through the lens of this situation - because of his bail conditions I am constantly aware when we are out and about if there are children nearby. I'm anxious when I see police cars and uncomfortable when crime shows on TV feature any kind of sex offence.
This group is good because it reassures me that at least I am not alone in this whole experience.
Hi BusyLizzie,
I feel like u wrote this for me this weekend, I don't have any close friends any more and I have had a bad weekend due to my anxiety. It is so hard because no one understands wat we go through, I feel like everyone thinks I should be happy as my hubby is allowed to stay over night now but not live with us, buy the stress social put me through I feel like I'm now having a mental breakdown and I have no one to talk to because no one understands.
I am sorry I have rambled on but I do no how lonely u r feeling as I feel the same. Sending big hugs to u xxxx
I feel like u wrote this for me this weekend, I don't have any close friends any more and I have had a bad weekend due to my anxiety. It is so hard because no one understands wat we go through, I feel like everyone thinks I should be happy as my hubby is allowed to stay over night now but not live with us, buy the stress social put me through I feel like I'm now having a mental breakdown and I have no one to talk to because no one understands.
I am sorry I have rambled on but I do no how lonely u r feeling as I feel the same. Sending big hugs to u xxxx
Sending you a hug, BusyLizzie - this is a very lonely journey but thank goodness we all have each other on here. I have two friends that know my situation, both have been amazingly calm about the whole thing and have supported me totally. I see lots of other friends regularly (sometimes I wonder if they know something because of where we live, mutual contacts etc, but they treat me no differently); it's great but also lonely because they're moaning about the everyday irritations of life and sometimes I want to tell them how lucky they are to not be dealing with this.
Stay strong xx
Stay strong xx
Hey BusyLizzie,
Just wanted to send my love. You're incredible and strong and I am positive everything will fall into place for you soon xx
Just wanted to send my love. You're incredible and strong and I am positive everything will fall into place for you soon xx
Thank you so much for all your replies. Reading them made my world feel lighter for a moment, like I was being scooped up in a blanket and lifted off the ground by a group of guardian angels, whose faces I will never see, but whose words I carry with me to keep me feeling strong.
Thank you, I can't say it enough. This forum is an amazing resource because of all you amazing people.
I've had the same feeling re: police cars etc, that lessened for me over time, but definitely hearing about sexual offences now, I feel I probably barely noticed those kinds of news stories before but now it's like a constant reminder!
Yes I feel you, when other people moan about their lives, which of course they have the right to do too, but it does make you want to say, at least your problems aren't those problems!! I remember when the Pandemic first began, we were about 5 months post knock at that point and I remember feeling resentful that other people had something genuine to moan about and everyone was going through a hardship, but it somehow felt unfair that I had this big secret that I couldn't talk about but now everyone was dealing with something unprecedented in their lives. Hard to explain but I'm sure some of you will understand what I'm getting at!!
Thank you, I can't say it enough. This forum is an amazing resource because of all you amazing people.
I've had the same feeling re: police cars etc, that lessened for me over time, but definitely hearing about sexual offences now, I feel I probably barely noticed those kinds of news stories before but now it's like a constant reminder!
Yes I feel you, when other people moan about their lives, which of course they have the right to do too, but it does make you want to say, at least your problems aren't those problems!! I remember when the Pandemic first began, we were about 5 months post knock at that point and I remember feeling resentful that other people had something genuine to moan about and everyone was going through a hardship, but it somehow felt unfair that I had this big secret that I couldn't talk about but now everyone was dealing with something unprecedented in their lives. Hard to explain but I'm sure some of you will understand what I'm getting at!!
Dawn, sorry you've had a difficult weekend too. Sending love and courage to you. I haven't heard of that as an outcome before, he can stay over but not live with you? How does that work?
Thank you Baffled, I really hope so. My counsellor said the same, and that he thinks I'll thrive whatever I end up doing/choosing. I hope he is right!!
Good night x
Thank you Baffled, I really hope so. My counsellor said the same, and that he thinks I'll thrive whatever I end up doing/choosing. I hope he is right!!
Good night x
Hi BusyLizzie,
So from the strength I got from this forum, I told my social worker that I was not accepting that they would not let my husband live us for another 10 years, ( as youngest is 8 so obviously it's 10 till she is 18 ) so I said I will go to court, any way long story short she had spoken to my hubby's probation officer, who had said he could come home eventually and his new police manager, who I had told straight wat I was aiming for lol and after talking to her manager said they would agree to him staying over night sometimes but not living with us full time but that maybe in a few years we can ask to be reassed, so this is wat we have got right now. To start with he had originally did for him to be allowed to stay over for girls birthdays and Christmas but she came back with we won't limit how often he can come and stay but just he can't live permanently at the min.
Talking to his police person who has now explained things, he can like every other weekend or if we wanted to go away we could, but we need to have gaps in between, and the rule of not being with children longer than 12 hours unless u notify them goes out of the window thank god
So from the strength I got from this forum, I told my social worker that I was not accepting that they would not let my husband live us for another 10 years, ( as youngest is 8 so obviously it's 10 till she is 18 ) so I said I will go to court, any way long story short she had spoken to my hubby's probation officer, who had said he could come home eventually and his new police manager, who I had told straight wat I was aiming for lol and after talking to her manager said they would agree to him staying over night sometimes but not living with us full time but that maybe in a few years we can ask to be reassed, so this is wat we have got right now. To start with he had originally did for him to be allowed to stay over for girls birthdays and Christmas but she came back with we won't limit how often he can come and stay but just he can't live permanently at the min.
Talking to his police person who has now explained things, he can like every other weekend or if we wanted to go away we could, but we need to have gaps in between, and the rule of not being with children longer than 12 hours unless u notify them goes out of the window thank god
Oh BusyLizzie, I'm sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment. It must be so incredibly tough and you've been so strong. I hope you are feeling better today.
Although my partner and I are less entwined in our lives, we were about to both embark on the next stage of our lives together and it seems whether I decided to stay or go, it will have significant impacts on what may or may not be possible in my life in the future. There is a big difference between entering that life knowingly and having to deal with that life if you are thrown into it. It makes it so hard that there are no certainties.
I've been mulling over how I might feel if I stayed and in doing so knowing I'm waving goodbye to motherhood, would I be resentful? Even if I made peace with not becoming a mother (because its quite unlikely now, even if I left him) would we still get on when he's out of prison? He'd probably end up with a different job and possibly a different life style after prison, he or I or both of us may have changed, would I end up resenting him if things were too different and my life impacted too much? Would it put too much pressure on the relationship from both our sides - Him feeling in debt to me, me feeling too invested to leave? What if I wait for him and didn'teven try to find someone else I'd love enough to start a family, would I always wonder what if?
I don't know the answers yet myself, but it's consuming lots of my thoughts at the moment.
The lonely feeling is incredible tough too, for me it seems all my friends are moving on with their lives, growing or starting families, moving house, making descions for coming years - I find that I can't /don't even want to make any plans for next week as I don't know how I'll feel. As for looking into what the next 5 - 10 years - It's impossible. Even if I decided to leave, even if I met someone else. He'd always be there on my mind, knowing what we've been through. His release date would be etched on my mind. The one thing I do take from the situation, is that whatever the future is I think I'll be so much more grateful for things just being steady and known.
My friends don't know what is happening and hopefully may never know as my partner lives hundreds of miles away, they simply think we've broken up and I'm struggling, I can already feel that they are tiring trying to be there for me, pick my spirits up, whilst I'm being illusive and being non commital with plans as I try to work my life around work commitments and the things he needs to be doing.
It really is an impossible situation we find ourselves in. I wish I could offer more than a virtual hug and reassurance you are not alone.
Well done on applying for other jobs, that's a very proactive step and not an easy one to take, especially moving away from what you are use to. And well done on muddling through working out what needs to be done on the mortgage. I'm glad you can see the things you've to be proud of, you really should be.
Although my partner and I are less entwined in our lives, we were about to both embark on the next stage of our lives together and it seems whether I decided to stay or go, it will have significant impacts on what may or may not be possible in my life in the future. There is a big difference between entering that life knowingly and having to deal with that life if you are thrown into it. It makes it so hard that there are no certainties.
I've been mulling over how I might feel if I stayed and in doing so knowing I'm waving goodbye to motherhood, would I be resentful? Even if I made peace with not becoming a mother (because its quite unlikely now, even if I left him) would we still get on when he's out of prison? He'd probably end up with a different job and possibly a different life style after prison, he or I or both of us may have changed, would I end up resenting him if things were too different and my life impacted too much? Would it put too much pressure on the relationship from both our sides - Him feeling in debt to me, me feeling too invested to leave? What if I wait for him and didn'teven try to find someone else I'd love enough to start a family, would I always wonder what if?
I don't know the answers yet myself, but it's consuming lots of my thoughts at the moment.
The lonely feeling is incredible tough too, for me it seems all my friends are moving on with their lives, growing or starting families, moving house, making descions for coming years - I find that I can't /don't even want to make any plans for next week as I don't know how I'll feel. As for looking into what the next 5 - 10 years - It's impossible. Even if I decided to leave, even if I met someone else. He'd always be there on my mind, knowing what we've been through. His release date would be etched on my mind. The one thing I do take from the situation, is that whatever the future is I think I'll be so much more grateful for things just being steady and known.
My friends don't know what is happening and hopefully may never know as my partner lives hundreds of miles away, they simply think we've broken up and I'm struggling, I can already feel that they are tiring trying to be there for me, pick my spirits up, whilst I'm being illusive and being non commital with plans as I try to work my life around work commitments and the things he needs to be doing.
It really is an impossible situation we find ourselves in. I wish I could offer more than a virtual hug and reassurance you are not alone.
Well done on applying for other jobs, that's a very proactive step and not an easy one to take, especially moving away from what you are use to. And well done on muddling through working out what needs to be done on the mortgage. I'm glad you can see the things you've to be proud of, you really should be.
Thank you Sal. Your thought processes sound so similar to mine, regarding the stay or leave question. I feel I could have written that section of your post as it applies to me so much too. Same with the idea of friends moving on with their lives. Having to come to peace with the idea of not knowing what is best for me yet and not rushing things is hard but necessary.
I always thought that once he had an outcome I would know how I feel and what I wanted. But if anything it has opened more questions which I can't really talk to him about til he's out. And as you say, the idea of finding someone else to love, knowing what we've been through is difficult to imagine. It's like I'm getting used to living without him and being strong moving on with my own life. But once he is back out in the world I will have the option of him being in my life again and only then will I know how I feel I guess....i hope!!
I often have the same thoughts about what his and my life and our relationship would be like. In some ways we'll be the same people, but we will have very different life experiences by that point. And my counsellor pointed out the imbalance that you talk about, is having to provide and be there for them, whilst also monitoring their behaviour and always having to consider their restrictions. It's a tough call that's for sure!
Sending love, thank you for reaching out. It helps to know I'm not alone in my thoughts!
I always thought that once he had an outcome I would know how I feel and what I wanted. But if anything it has opened more questions which I can't really talk to him about til he's out. And as you say, the idea of finding someone else to love, knowing what we've been through is difficult to imagine. It's like I'm getting used to living without him and being strong moving on with my own life. But once he is back out in the world I will have the option of him being in my life again and only then will I know how I feel I guess....i hope!!
I often have the same thoughts about what his and my life and our relationship would be like. In some ways we'll be the same people, but we will have very different life experiences by that point. And my counsellor pointed out the imbalance that you talk about, is having to provide and be there for them, whilst also monitoring their behaviour and always having to consider their restrictions. It's a tough call that's for sure!
Sending love, thank you for reaching out. It helps to know I'm not alone in my thoughts!
Oh wow Dawn, well done for fighting for it. Sounds like a better outcome for your family than if you hadn't have fought for your rights. So you didn't need to go to court in the end I assume?
I hope the reassessment goes in your favour when it does happen.
I hope the reassessment goes in your favour when it does happen.
Hi BusyLizzie,
Yes it has gone better for us but unfortunately it's come at a cost to my mental health xx and considering when we first started our horrible journey the sw said he would never ever be allowed home we have come a long way thank god. But my road to recovery starts now, as I say unfortunately the ss involvement hand how they made me feel has made me not want to leave the house xx
Yes it has gone better for us but unfortunately it's come at a cost to my mental health xx and considering when we first started our horrible journey the sw said he would never ever be allowed home we have come a long way thank god. But my road to recovery starts now, as I say unfortunately the ss involvement hand how they made me feel has made me not want to leave the house xx
So sorry to hear that Dawn. We really are the forgotten victims in these crimes. I understand the focus on child protection, but it is sad that services and police forces don't provide a better support system for us as partners. Thank God for Lucy Faithfull and this forum at least.
Hi BusyLizzie,
I think wat annoys me is ss think that NON contact offences always lead to contact offences and we all no that is not true, but getting them to see that is a different matter x
I think wat annoys me is ss think that NON contact offences always lead to contact offences and we all no that is not true, but getting them to see that is a different matter x
Hmm yeah on my inform course they showed me a Venn diagram and said that even non contact offences will flag up risk of contact for SS.
Did your partner serve a custodial? Part of me thinks there is no chance my partner can have kids, and ever live with them, but then I wonder a few years down the line whether things would be viewed differently, the longer he hasn't reoffended etc.
Did your partner serve a custodial? Part of me thinks there is no chance my partner can have kids, and ever live with them, but then I wonder a few years down the line whether things would be viewed differently, the longer he hasn't reoffended etc.