Processing
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This is a lot to process so please bear with me. It's been 9 months since the police first knocked at the door (the local paper reported it as a "raid", but it was calm and respectful), me, half asleep didn't know what was happening. I head then asking for laptops, phones and any other devices. They came upstairs and I was informed that someone had been downloading inappropriate images. I was like someone's hacked our internet and used it to do this.
They then informed me that my dad would be going with them for a chat. We're not a family that really expresses emotions or talks about serious stuff, yet my dad look physically shaken, upset and subdued. It was a shock, my dad had never been in trouble with the police before, he was respected in the community, he attended church regularly.
My mum was upset and my brother came to the house. We couldn't believe it, we were confused and nervous. A few hours later my dad returned with the police. He'd been released but under investigation. He left to talk to the local vicar and some other people that needed to know. The rest of us just got on with the day.
Nothing much happened for the next 8 months, the investigation continued and my dad attended counseling/ rehabilitation and life went on. My mum had told a couple of close friends but we kept it between us. I had no one to talk to, except one person, someone I care about a great deal, someone who's opinion I value, but I was so scared of what she'd think about me or my dad that I didn't tell her. What if her opinion of me or my dad changed, what if she didn't want to see my anymore or stay over at the house. I'm still processing what's happening, how would she react.
The initial trial was a month ago and the sentencing was this week. Having plead guilty from the start and attended rehab, my dad got what I would consider a very light sentence. 2 years suspended with 300 hours community service and 40 days rehab. His reputation in ruin, his family changed forever. I was surprised with this as the amount of images was a lot and the timeframe this was happening was years. My dad is probably the glue that holds the family together so prison time would have destroyed a broken family. The media reported it the other day so anyone that didn't know does now and I can finally open up to my friend. I'm not sure how to process all of this.
My question is, how do I explain all this to my friend. Do I show her the article in the paper (I assume she hasn't seen it or she would have told me), do I show her this post or do I simply talk her through it from start to now?
They then informed me that my dad would be going with them for a chat. We're not a family that really expresses emotions or talks about serious stuff, yet my dad look physically shaken, upset and subdued. It was a shock, my dad had never been in trouble with the police before, he was respected in the community, he attended church regularly.
My mum was upset and my brother came to the house. We couldn't believe it, we were confused and nervous. A few hours later my dad returned with the police. He'd been released but under investigation. He left to talk to the local vicar and some other people that needed to know. The rest of us just got on with the day.
Nothing much happened for the next 8 months, the investigation continued and my dad attended counseling/ rehabilitation and life went on. My mum had told a couple of close friends but we kept it between us. I had no one to talk to, except one person, someone I care about a great deal, someone who's opinion I value, but I was so scared of what she'd think about me or my dad that I didn't tell her. What if her opinion of me or my dad changed, what if she didn't want to see my anymore or stay over at the house. I'm still processing what's happening, how would she react.
The initial trial was a month ago and the sentencing was this week. Having plead guilty from the start and attended rehab, my dad got what I would consider a very light sentence. 2 years suspended with 300 hours community service and 40 days rehab. His reputation in ruin, his family changed forever. I was surprised with this as the amount of images was a lot and the timeframe this was happening was years. My dad is probably the glue that holds the family together so prison time would have destroyed a broken family. The media reported it the other day so anyone that didn't know does now and I can finally open up to my friend. I'm not sure how to process all of this.
My question is, how do I explain all this to my friend. Do I show her the article in the paper (I assume she hasn't seen it or she would have told me), do I show her this post or do I simply talk her through it from start to now?
As Lee has said, don't show her the article, they tend to be written in a way to evoke very strong and devised feelings.
It sounds to me you've a friend that you really value and that you think may be able to help YOU process this and the consequences it is having on YOU.
I think that's the way you need to approach this - Focusing on YOU not him.
When I disclosed to my parents, I'd actually written a letter, I didn't give it to them but it allowed me to process how I felt and why I felt I needed to tell them. I needed their support to process how I felt and to have a space I could just be without having to put on a front - I wasn't asking them to support him. Getting this clear in my head made it easier to also talk to my friend about it too. The emphasis I made in all the conversations I had was the impact it'd had on me, how I felt, how I was struggling. I gave a brief overview of the offence but I didn't talk about him.
There is some information on the Stop It Now page about disclosing. It's focused on the offender but it might be of some help.
Sorry you have found yourself here, it must be very hard.
It sounds to me you've a friend that you really value and that you think may be able to help YOU process this and the consequences it is having on YOU.
I think that's the way you need to approach this - Focusing on YOU not him.
When I disclosed to my parents, I'd actually written a letter, I didn't give it to them but it allowed me to process how I felt and why I felt I needed to tell them. I needed their support to process how I felt and to have a space I could just be without having to put on a front - I wasn't asking them to support him. Getting this clear in my head made it easier to also talk to my friend about it too. The emphasis I made in all the conversations I had was the impact it'd had on me, how I felt, how I was struggling. I gave a brief overview of the offence but I didn't talk about him.
There is some information on the Stop It Now page about disclosing. It's focused on the offender but it might be of some help.
Sorry you have found yourself here, it must be very hard.
My biggest issue is how do I deal with the conflicting emotions, can I be angry and supportive? How about upset but glad it's out in the open and he can get help.
You have every right to be angry, but you can do that and be supportive.
You might find it helpful to think about it in a way that what he's done is part of who he is not the sum of who he is. You can be angry with the part of him that's offended but support the parts of him you love. It's a very conflicting feeling to be so angry, upset and confused but also love and care for someone deeply. People are rarely all bad or all good.
You might find it useful to call the helpline if you haven't already, they are very helpful.
You might find it helpful to think about it in a way that what he's done is part of who he is not the sum of who he is. You can be angry with the part of him that's offended but support the parts of him you love. It's a very conflicting feeling to be so angry, upset and confused but also love and care for someone deeply. People are rarely all bad or all good.
You might find it useful to call the helpline if you haven't already, they are very helpful.
Quick update. I told my friend last weekend, she took it as well as I expected. She hadn't read the article in the local paper so had no idea what had happened. Still, I felt that she needed to know and that I should be the one to tell her. My family don't know I've told her.
I tried to explain the situation and what I was feeling. It was awkward and I got emotional. She said she'd support me emotionally but idk, it feels like there's some awkwardness between us now. She was understandably disgusted by the situation and probably never wants to see my dad again, which could complicate things in the future.
I'm happy I have someone to talk to about it, but a part of me is questioning whether I should have told her or not.
I tried to explain the situation and what I was feeling. It was awkward and I got emotional. She said she'd support me emotionally but idk, it feels like there's some awkwardness between us now. She was understandably disgusted by the situation and probably never wants to see my dad again, which could complicate things in the future.
I'm happy I have someone to talk to about it, but a part of me is questioning whether I should have told her or not.
Oh how I know how you feel on that one Pandora.
A friend I'd had for years - always said any problems she'd be there for me. I told her all the details of my son's crime and how I intended keeping in touch with him. Although I left my job and we exchanged a few texts, she's never once been in touch since and my God how that hurt.......
New job, new friend / I've told her and she's been my absolute rock for over a year now. Always there, always ready to listen and gives me honest advice. With this Forum my pots of gold.
i have learnt some people just cannot cope with this and you really just have to move on and accept it, but it hurts as you are an innocent party in this.
Hug sent x
A friend I'd had for years - always said any problems she'd be there for me. I told her all the details of my son's crime and how I intended keeping in touch with him. Although I left my job and we exchanged a few texts, she's never once been in touch since and my God how that hurt.......
New job, new friend / I've told her and she's been my absolute rock for over a year now. Always there, always ready to listen and gives me honest advice. With this Forum my pots of gold.
i have learnt some people just cannot cope with this and you really just have to move on and accept it, but it hurts as you are an innocent party in this.
Hug sent x
Try not to fret as to whether or not you should have told her.
She may just be taking sometime to process it herself, or perhaps not know what to say. You may also be super sensitive to anything that could be interpreted as a change in the relationship.
She may just be taking sometime to process it herself, or perhaps not know what to say. You may also be super sensitive to anything that could be interpreted as a change in the relationship.