Giving up
Notifications OFF
Almost one year since my beautiful gentle adult son was arrested and RUI
I actually can't go on.
Working 40 plus hours in a stressful emotional NHS job. Trying to parent my 9 yr old. Doing this alone as hardly anyone knows. My son has given up. He has been deemed no risk of either further online offending it other, his offences were not sexually motivated. Am sick to death of starting every official conversation with "whilst I will never seek to minimuse". But actually this is what is happening to me. Because the level of punishment my son is giving himself is worse than anything.
He will kill himself if charged, and I understand why. Because of this cruel judgemental world we live in. I work regularly with people on SOR . I've never seen anyone punish themselves like my son.
Just needed to say that out loud.
Sorry
Love to you all
I actually can't go on.
Working 40 plus hours in a stressful emotional NHS job. Trying to parent my 9 yr old. Doing this alone as hardly anyone knows. My son has given up. He has been deemed no risk of either further online offending it other, his offences were not sexually motivated. Am sick to death of starting every official conversation with "whilst I will never seek to minimuse". But actually this is what is happening to me. Because the level of punishment my son is giving himself is worse than anything.
He will kill himself if charged, and I understand why. Because of this cruel judgemental world we live in. I work regularly with people on SOR . I've never seen anyone punish themselves like my son.
Just needed to say that out loud.
Sorry
Love to you all
Wee witch,
That sounds a really desperate situation to be in. I expect you've probably already explored this, but it sounds to me that both you and your son need someone to talk to. You cant make him get counselling (although it sounds like this is what he needs), but it might be useful for you too. Or mYbe a trusted friend to unload onto?
Once you're feeling in a better, stronger place yourself you'll maybe feel better equipped to help your son. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like at the moment you don't have the internal reserves to help him. You can't pour from an empty cup.
As partner of someone accused of these crimes, I couldn't have coped without counselling, and the support of a couple of trusted friends. I hope things get better for you soon.
That sounds a really desperate situation to be in. I expect you've probably already explored this, but it sounds to me that both you and your son need someone to talk to. You cant make him get counselling (although it sounds like this is what he needs), but it might be useful for you too. Or mYbe a trusted friend to unload onto?
Once you're feeling in a better, stronger place yourself you'll maybe feel better equipped to help your son. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like at the moment you don't have the internal reserves to help him. You can't pour from an empty cup.
As partner of someone accused of these crimes, I couldn't have coped without counselling, and the support of a couple of trusted friends. I hope things get better for you soon.
He has had almost a year of weekly therapy via Safer Lives. He has completed their course.
In the last year he has spoken to no one other than a psychologist ,me and his brother. He never leaves my tiny flat.
He has not one ounce of empathy for himself.
I can't go off sick because ironically my work forces me to get out of bed.
I know how people think. I've heard colleagues talk about people on the SOR. I know of services that won't accept men who are. "He deserves what he gets" this is a cruel unkind world.
He wants to not be here so badly.
Charges or not , he will never recover.
Sorry. This is the only place I can say this stuff. X
In the last year he has spoken to no one other than a psychologist ,me and his brother. He never leaves my tiny flat.
He has not one ounce of empathy for himself.
I can't go off sick because ironically my work forces me to get out of bed.
I know how people think. I've heard colleagues talk about people on the SOR. I know of services that won't accept men who are. "He deserves what he gets" this is a cruel unkind world.
He wants to not be here so badly.
Charges or not , he will never recover.
Sorry. This is the only place I can say this stuff. X
WeeWitch, I'm so sorry that things are bad for you right now. I think Bitterbean is right - perhaps find a trusted friend that you can talk to; I didn't confide in my oldest, closest friend as I didn't think she could handle it, but I chose two others who have been amazing. The ability to talk freely is enormously helpful.
Secondly, it sounds very much as if you should take time off; I salute you for getting up each day and going to work and I understand that the routine may be holding you together, but there's no shame in taking time off. You may be surprised how much clearer your head feels when you get off the treadmill.
As to your comment about how people think - weren't we all guilty of that until it touched our own lives? I'm sure a lot of us on this forum had one heading under which we put all men who were involved in this; we know differently now.
Your son WILL recover - early on this journey I spoke to someone with a great deal of expertise who told me two important things which I wrote down:
1. This does not define your son, it's a small part of him that needs fixing.
2. What happens next is up to him. He may have to readjust his life plans, but the future is unwritten.
I understand totally how you feel - I am here because of my clever, talented, high achieving son who I thought had the world at his feet. I have been broken and suicidal and we're not out of the woods yet; he's waiting to be charged. But I do know that friends and some head space are what's kept me going. Please be nice to yourself and give yourself the advice that you'd give to someone else in your position. You can do this, please keep chatting with us all on here.
Sending huge hugs xx
Secondly, it sounds very much as if you should take time off; I salute you for getting up each day and going to work and I understand that the routine may be holding you together, but there's no shame in taking time off. You may be surprised how much clearer your head feels when you get off the treadmill.
As to your comment about how people think - weren't we all guilty of that until it touched our own lives? I'm sure a lot of us on this forum had one heading under which we put all men who were involved in this; we know differently now.
Your son WILL recover - early on this journey I spoke to someone with a great deal of expertise who told me two important things which I wrote down:
1. This does not define your son, it's a small part of him that needs fixing.
2. What happens next is up to him. He may have to readjust his life plans, but the future is unwritten.
I understand totally how you feel - I am here because of my clever, talented, high achieving son who I thought had the world at his feet. I have been broken and suicidal and we're not out of the woods yet; he's waiting to be charged. But I do know that friends and some head space are what's kept me going. Please be nice to yourself and give yourself the advice that you'd give to someone else in your position. You can do this, please keep chatting with us all on here.
Sending huge hugs xx
Wee witch,
I agree that it's good to unload, and say those things that we think might be unsayable to some of our friends and family.
I cant speak for everyone who has a family member in this situation, but from my own experience, I have had periods when I have felt overwhelmed, anxious and hopeless about the situation. Having some space and time to process things was helpful, plus the support of someone to talk to. One of my pressures is carrying on presenting an "everything's normal" face to the world, while at the same time worrying about how things will turn out for us, and if we, as a family, will become shunned and vilified if and when it all comes out.
I would recommend speaking to your GP, because I think they would be inclined to sign you off due to your mental state. I'm thinking that if you keep pushing yourself to carry on as normal while at the same time carrying this tremendous burden you could become physically ill. Wishing you well.
I agree that it's good to unload, and say those things that we think might be unsayable to some of our friends and family.
I cant speak for everyone who has a family member in this situation, but from my own experience, I have had periods when I have felt overwhelmed, anxious and hopeless about the situation. Having some space and time to process things was helpful, plus the support of someone to talk to. One of my pressures is carrying on presenting an "everything's normal" face to the world, while at the same time worrying about how things will turn out for us, and if we, as a family, will become shunned and vilified if and when it all comes out.
I would recommend speaking to your GP, because I think they would be inclined to sign you off due to your mental state. I'm thinking that if you keep pushing yourself to carry on as normal while at the same time carrying this tremendous burden you could become physically ill. Wishing you well.
WeeWitch
My heart goes out to you both,
My son had also wanted to give up and take his own life
Our journey has been 22 months the last 6 he has been on remand and to be totally honest I am so relieved that he is still here
Yes I understand there actions have ended then up on this awful journey and I do not condone what he has done, but he is my son and I will walk this journey with him xx
I can only wish once he is sentanced he can try to work on himself , we are closer than we have ever been and we talk daily and I visit him the demons are held at bay for now and just hope his self belief will keep him going
You really are not alone and please keep coming on here just to know we are here for you xx
My heart goes out to you both,
My son had also wanted to give up and take his own life
Our journey has been 22 months the last 6 he has been on remand and to be totally honest I am so relieved that he is still here
Yes I understand there actions have ended then up on this awful journey and I do not condone what he has done, but he is my son and I will walk this journey with him xx
I can only wish once he is sentanced he can try to work on himself , we are closer than we have ever been and we talk daily and I visit him the demons are held at bay for now and just hope his self belief will keep him going
You really are not alone and please keep coming on here just to know we are here for you xx
Thank you all so much for your wise and kind words, it means so so much and helps me enormously.
I am constantly amazed at how generous everyone is on this site, given we are all suffering.
I appreciate it more than you could ever know xx
I am constantly amazed at how generous everyone is on this site, given we are all suffering.
I appreciate it more than you could ever know xx
WeeWitch
I have been thinking of you and your son so glad you posted again
Hope you are both ok xx
I have been thinking of you and your son so glad you posted again
Hope you are both ok xx
Hi Upset Mum
Thank you so much
This support does genuinely help
The unconditional love I have for my son will never waver , but living this way is so hard.
Love and support to you too
Thank you xxx
Thank you so much
This support does genuinely help
The unconditional love I have for my son will never waver , but living this way is so hard.
Love and support to you too
Thank you xxx