What will I get to know?
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My situation seems slightly different to the majority of the posts I’ve read here. In that it was me who called the police rather than getting the knock. My now ex partner and I have 2 young girls aged 6&7 and in early January I discovered the images on his phone. They were of similar age to our daughters. So it was very distressing to discover and having to make that call. The police took lots of devices from our home.
I am unable to talk to him because the bail conditions prohibit him contacting me. He obviously has a solicitor who I am sure would advise him not to tell me anything anyway. I don’t even know whether he is cooperating with the police or not. He has admitted to our social worker that the police will find further under age content on his computer, but he also told her that he has sought help from a therapist but withdrawn himself already as he has been told any info would be passed on to the police. He has told the social worker that he wants help with his problem but has been advised by his solicitor not to seek help until after the investigation is completed. From the many posts I’ve seen on here, this seems to be the opposite of what most other partners/exes have been doing as they all seem to be seeking help and I would have thought him seeking help would mitigate any sentence, and of course show that he wants to change in order to maintain contact with his children.
The police have not been able to give me a proper answer on what disclosure I will get. What will I get to know? And how will/can I find out what the extent of his actions have been? Our girls love him and miss him but I want to be able to make the right decisions and informed decisions about any contact going forward.
Also a huge concern for me is that there was also content on his phone which wasn’t classed as indecent, but everyday type videos of young girls, again the same age as ours - I’m not sure if this indicates more than an extension of porn addiction which is what the majority of these situations seem to stem from by the posts on here, and this worries me further.
I am unable to talk to him because the bail conditions prohibit him contacting me. He obviously has a solicitor who I am sure would advise him not to tell me anything anyway. I don’t even know whether he is cooperating with the police or not. He has admitted to our social worker that the police will find further under age content on his computer, but he also told her that he has sought help from a therapist but withdrawn himself already as he has been told any info would be passed on to the police. He has told the social worker that he wants help with his problem but has been advised by his solicitor not to seek help until after the investigation is completed. From the many posts I’ve seen on here, this seems to be the opposite of what most other partners/exes have been doing as they all seem to be seeking help and I would have thought him seeking help would mitigate any sentence, and of course show that he wants to change in order to maintain contact with his children.
The police have not been able to give me a proper answer on what disclosure I will get. What will I get to know? And how will/can I find out what the extent of his actions have been? Our girls love him and miss him but I want to be able to make the right decisions and informed decisions about any contact going forward.
Also a huge concern for me is that there was also content on his phone which wasn’t classed as indecent, but everyday type videos of young girls, again the same age as ours - I’m not sure if this indicates more than an extension of porn addiction which is what the majority of these situations seem to stem from by the posts on here, and this worries me further.
My situation is similar.
The police missed something as part of their search which I found.... and handed in. It was one part of a much bigger picture ( reason for the knock) around communication
No communication with the ex ( ex as one minute after the knock) despite having young children. Never once has there been questions as to their well being and future ....
Social workers, school etc know the details. I don't .... I only found out about charges as they sent them to my address.
but I supposedly am not entitled to know (even though I have concerns about one child)....
so far magistrates ( I didn't go as I was advised it would go to crown). Crown has been delayed 3 times at sentencing. Custodial highly likely.
I think it is appalling that we don't get more information. I have to uproot children, move countries, give up a good job, deal with children who miss their dad, and the system ( and ex) cant / won't update ...
So my advice is to prepare for not knowing a lot. The police now encourage me to attend court dates.
And ironically half of the force have kids at same school as my kids ( school runs are fun as are waiting outside social events...). One is the superintendent ..... and I have known her for years..... but no information has been disclosed so I will be at the next and hopefully last court date ( if it happens ....)
I hope you get the answers you need as so far, I haven't x
The police missed something as part of their search which I found.... and handed in. It was one part of a much bigger picture ( reason for the knock) around communication
No communication with the ex ( ex as one minute after the knock) despite having young children. Never once has there been questions as to their well being and future ....
Social workers, school etc know the details. I don't .... I only found out about charges as they sent them to my address.
but I supposedly am not entitled to know (even though I have concerns about one child)....
so far magistrates ( I didn't go as I was advised it would go to crown). Crown has been delayed 3 times at sentencing. Custodial highly likely.
I think it is appalling that we don't get more information. I have to uproot children, move countries, give up a good job, deal with children who miss their dad, and the system ( and ex) cant / won't update ...
So my advice is to prepare for not knowing a lot. The police now encourage me to attend court dates.
And ironically half of the force have kids at same school as my kids ( school runs are fun as are waiting outside social events...). One is the superintendent ..... and I have known her for years..... but no information has been disclosed so I will be at the next and hopefully last court date ( if it happens ....)
I hope you get the answers you need as so far, I haven't x
I highly recommend you go to court hearings.
it is the only way I found out the truth. I had guessed a lot of the lies (which explained family alienation) and I had guessed the nature of the communication. But I needed to hear the details as my children were very much at risk.
The system is very much flawed that I couldn't be told this information without this route. In my case his rights were prioritised over children at their risk. I had followed the advice from police and social services (due to a number of reasons). But if I hadn't I could have caused them even more damage.
I hope you get the answers. Take care, it is the worst time ever
it is the only way I found out the truth. I had guessed a lot of the lies (which explained family alienation) and I had guessed the nature of the communication. But I needed to hear the details as my children were very much at risk.
The system is very much flawed that I couldn't be told this information without this route. In my case his rights were prioritised over children at their risk. I had followed the advice from police and social services (due to a number of reasons). But if I hadn't I could have caused them even more damage.
I hope you get the answers. Take care, it is the worst time ever
This is my first time posting to the forum. I have found it so supportive and invaluable to know I'm not alone in this very lovely journey none of us ever choose to be on.
Nemisis and idontwanttoknow. I read your posts and wanted to share what i got to know vs what I don't.
Arrest was February. For communication online. Released on bail and under investigation. At the time of arrest I was informed that as I had parental responsibility I could know more in order to allow me to protect my children. I was told reasons for arrest. Devices were taken and are all under forensic examination.
i did ask about what age and they could not say. However I asked if 17/18 or much younger. I was told somewhere inbetween. So I agree it's limited info but I got the idea. They also gave me pretty good indication what to expect from timescales of investigation eg long!
I did speak to my OH (now ex). We remain in contact and I have supervised him to visits to children. He has told me the age and the communication he was aware. I have not gone as far yet to understand why but I'm sure we will discuss more. I just wasn't ready.
like you I wasn't sure if I could or would believe what he tells me. I agree that the only real way to find out is at court. I will ask him before but I'll only really be certain at court point. Though he is yet to be charged so that may give me an indication.
All I know is that for all those on here you are incredibly strong and I hope while I take strength from you all I can provide support and strength too.
Nemisis and idontwanttoknow. I read your posts and wanted to share what i got to know vs what I don't.
Arrest was February. For communication online. Released on bail and under investigation. At the time of arrest I was informed that as I had parental responsibility I could know more in order to allow me to protect my children. I was told reasons for arrest. Devices were taken and are all under forensic examination.
i did ask about what age and they could not say. However I asked if 17/18 or much younger. I was told somewhere inbetween. So I agree it's limited info but I got the idea. They also gave me pretty good indication what to expect from timescales of investigation eg long!
I did speak to my OH (now ex). We remain in contact and I have supervised him to visits to children. He has told me the age and the communication he was aware. I have not gone as far yet to understand why but I'm sure we will discuss more. I just wasn't ready.
like you I wasn't sure if I could or would believe what he tells me. I agree that the only real way to find out is at court. I will ask him before but I'll only really be certain at court point. Though he is yet to be charged so that may give me an indication.
All I know is that for all those on here you are incredibly strong and I hope while I take strength from you all I can provide support and strength too.