Telling my child
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I am on the start of the journey . My partner was arrested three weeks ago for allegedly accessing an image . Police arrived at 7am and turned our life upside down . They had no idea that we had a child so bail conditions were put in place stopping him coming home or contacting our child . I have now agreed a plan with the social re supervised access and the police have dropped all bail conditions. He cannot have unsupervised contact with our child at any time and isn't allowed to stay in the house overnight . He has been away for 3 weeks and just returned home . I am really struggling with what to tell our child who is 7 . He is used to dad helping him get changed take him to bed etc , taking him to school and so On. Tonight our son got upset because dad wouldn't take him to bed and I was going to take him , as he hadn't seen him for so long. I know this is only going to get worse as time goes on - we have been told 3-5 months for forensics to come back . How can we tell our child that things are going to be different - I have yet to tell him that dad won't be coming on holiday with us at Easter
Sorry to hear you have joined this club that no one wants to be in.
There was a similar post 'telling children' I think that has an example of how to disclose to a child in an age appropriate Manner.
Is there a SW involved? They might be able to give some advice. This is going to be a long process (I would not pin hopes on any timeframes given from the authorities, it is very hit and miss).
There was a similar post 'telling children' I think that has an example of how to disclose to a child in an age appropriate Manner.
Is there a SW involved? They might be able to give some advice. This is going to be a long process (I would not pin hopes on any timeframes given from the authorities, it is very hit and miss).
I am sorry you are in this situation.
Just a thought the charity 'Young Minds' might be worth having a look at and speaking to their helpline for some useful tips.
I beleive you can also request a free 'one off' consultation with a professional (like a psychologist) with Young Minds if you need more indepth support.
Maybe the helpline for Stop it Now or Stopso may be able to offer help or signpost you to someone who can .
I hope these suggestions help in some way.
Just a thought the charity 'Young Minds' might be worth having a look at and speaking to their helpline for some useful tips.
I beleive you can also request a free 'one off' consultation with a professional (like a psychologist) with Young Minds if you need more indepth support.
Maybe the helpline for Stop it Now or Stopso may be able to offer help or signpost you to someone who can .
I hope these suggestions help in some way.
Hi Charlie
welcome to the group nobody wants to find themselves in!
I'd Put him to bed together (we do) let Dad take him up and you're there too. See the post 4 down in this topic called telling the children.
how come he's allowed to live at home during investigation? Is there conditions other than no unsupervised contact? Most women find that overnight stats are out as you can't supervise whilst asleep. Any advice would be good as I'd like partner to stay overnight x
welcome to the group nobody wants to find themselves in!
I'd Put him to bed together (we do) let Dad take him up and you're there too. See the post 4 down in this topic called telling the children.
how come he's allowed to live at home during investigation? Is there conditions other than no unsupervised contact? Most women find that overnight stats are out as you can't supervise whilst asleep. Any advice would be good as I'd like partner to stay overnight x
I said he was away on a trip
children have had very little contact due to a number of reasons but all rested on I couldn't safeguard fully and due to possible situation with one child.
I used words such as sent to time out / detention / head teachers office. They understood this
also said he did something wrong with grown up consequences
now working with heard and seen for next script as he will be away for some time.
The kids are so resilient but my heart breaks for them, but in my situation they were at high risk and hearing everything at court explained a lot of his behaviour. So in our case the SHPO is as tight as it can be.
Lots of hugs and it is one awful journey to be on
children have had very little contact due to a number of reasons but all rested on I couldn't safeguard fully and due to possible situation with one child.
I used words such as sent to time out / detention / head teachers office. They understood this
also said he did something wrong with grown up consequences
now working with heard and seen for next script as he will be away for some time.
The kids are so resilient but my heart breaks for them, but in my situation they were at high risk and hearing everything at court explained a lot of his behaviour. So in our case the SHPO is as tight as it can be.
Lots of hugs and it is one awful journey to be on
Thanks all
he is allowed home until I go to bed then he cannot be in the house overnight - we brought a cheap caravan and out it in the drive , that he uses at that time . The SW haven't been particularly helpful at this stage apart from suggesting that I am not taking the risk to my son seriously - apparently irrespective of innocent until proven guilty they assume guilt and so should I. It's totally bonkers - no bail conditions in place at all so it's hard . At this time our son hasn't asked any questions and we are managing to keep it from him but at some point we will have to tell him something .
he is allowed home until I go to bed then he cannot be in the house overnight - we brought a cheap caravan and out it in the drive , that he uses at that time . The SW haven't been particularly helpful at this stage apart from suggesting that I am not taking the risk to my son seriously - apparently irrespective of innocent until proven guilty they assume guilt and so should I. It's totally bonkers - no bail conditions in place at all so it's hard . At this time our son hasn't asked any questions and we are managing to keep it from him but at some point we will have to tell him something .
Hi Charlie did you tell your child? How did it go and what did you decide to say? X
I have a 6 year old but was 4 at the time when this started and I started it by using a made up character his name is timmy,,
Timmy is the same age as you,, you know how u saw u daddy taken by the police so did timmy,,
Timmy's daddy did the same as your daddy something very naughty and this means we can't see him at this moment,,
Timmy has grown with my daughter and she has a very good understand and ss where blown apart when she started talking about timmy and how she can relate to him.
I have been asked by my special assessment officer if I will work with her to try and bring this into place to help other children when they have to be told hope this helps xx x
Timmy is the same age as you,, you know how u saw u daddy taken by the police so did timmy,,
Timmy's daddy did the same as your daddy something very naughty and this means we can't see him at this moment,,
Timmy has grown with my daughter and she has a very good understand and ss where blown apart when she started talking about timmy and how she can relate to him.
I have been asked by my special assessment officer if I will work with her to try and bring this into place to help other children when they have to be told hope this helps xx x
My son was also 7 at the start of all this. After doing some reading on Lucy Faithful, after a few days of winging it we actually told him the truth. His dad was also there. We did it in an age appropriate way but also factual. Something like how his dad had been looking at rude pictures of children, that this is wrong as taking the pictures is harmful to the children and it is against the law. We, well me really as I was the one keeping it together, explained that the police don't know daddy, only the bad thing he has done and so at the moment daddy can't be alone with him until he can prove he is a safe person to be around. It was something like that. The danger is that if you don't give them the information where you have framed it, there's every chance they will find out from somewhere else at some point or that they try and fill in the gaps with their imagination and come to the wrong conclusions. I have talked openly with my son about it and he knows he can ask things when ever he wants. Sadly, I also had to teach him how and why we have to keep this information to ourselves and a few trusted individuals, though he knows he can share with adults he trust in school if he wants to. Have said if in doubt about sharing to check with me first.
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Thanks daffodil for the bump.
This is something my partner is struggling with because he is seeking contact with his kids he has not seen or spoken to in five years. Currently going through family courts to get supervised contact.
He has no open dialogue with the mother and so has no idea what the kids have been told about why he had to leave and why there is currently no contact.
It still isn't clear to us if he will get the courts to agree contact. The final hearing is soon. There has been indication from statements provided from the mother to the courts and CAFCASS reports that the mother doesn't want them to know anything until it is age appropriate.
We are concerned that if contact is agreed that the mother will not let my partner know what the kids are aware of. CAFCASS have asked my partner and his mother (looking to have her as a supervisor) how they will explain it all to the children. But it is so hard to know what to say without the background to their current knowledge. He doesn't want to cause more confusion if the info he gives is contradictory.
Looking to see what others suggest. In the absence of no info I guess my partner would have to explain he doesn't know what hey have been told and disclose as best as he can. The difficulty is also they are different ages. One is 9 and so I think they could be told a little bit more than the younger child.
I think I'm going to suggest he tries to reach out to the mother and just ask her what has been said, and have this in writing so the courts see that he tried.
He is also going to request a court order for them to have mediation to discuss how best to explain to the kids and how to manage contact - if it is granted.
I can understand why the mother wants to keep it away from the kids, she is banking on him never having contact, but he will fight as best as he can and she should prepare the kids for this possibility (in my opinion).
Not sure what I'm asking here. My head is all over the place with this at the moment. I don't think it is good to hide such things like this from kids, they pick up on bad vibes and omitting the truth can be damaging to them. I read a book recently saying that some kids will make up a narrative to make sense of the absence of a parent, and could be a negative feeling towards themselves e.g. daddy left because he didn't love me/doesn't want to be around me.
This is something my partner is struggling with because he is seeking contact with his kids he has not seen or spoken to in five years. Currently going through family courts to get supervised contact.
He has no open dialogue with the mother and so has no idea what the kids have been told about why he had to leave and why there is currently no contact.
It still isn't clear to us if he will get the courts to agree contact. The final hearing is soon. There has been indication from statements provided from the mother to the courts and CAFCASS reports that the mother doesn't want them to know anything until it is age appropriate.
We are concerned that if contact is agreed that the mother will not let my partner know what the kids are aware of. CAFCASS have asked my partner and his mother (looking to have her as a supervisor) how they will explain it all to the children. But it is so hard to know what to say without the background to their current knowledge. He doesn't want to cause more confusion if the info he gives is contradictory.
Looking to see what others suggest. In the absence of no info I guess my partner would have to explain he doesn't know what hey have been told and disclose as best as he can. The difficulty is also they are different ages. One is 9 and so I think they could be told a little bit more than the younger child.
I think I'm going to suggest he tries to reach out to the mother and just ask her what has been said, and have this in writing so the courts see that he tried.
He is also going to request a court order for them to have mediation to discuss how best to explain to the kids and how to manage contact - if it is granted.
I can understand why the mother wants to keep it away from the kids, she is banking on him never having contact, but he will fight as best as he can and she should prepare the kids for this possibility (in my opinion).
Not sure what I'm asking here. My head is all over the place with this at the moment. I don't think it is good to hide such things like this from kids, they pick up on bad vibes and omitting the truth can be damaging to them. I read a book recently saying that some kids will make up a narrative to make sense of the absence of a parent, and could be a negative feeling towards themselves e.g. daddy left because he didn't love me/doesn't want to be around me.