What do I do??
Notifications OFF
Hi all,
My (now ex) was arrested for possession and distribution. He admitted everything to me and the police. For about 1.5years he has been looking at 13/14 years olds and trading videos via email and Snapchat. He told me everything and every question I asked he answered. I was in shock.
I left that day and we have been split up since. Thing is, I love him and I want ti be with him and support him. But I told all my family, my work and a close friend what had happened, I was suicidal and feeling really down and needed support (I'm doing counselling now). They all hate him and have pretty much said if I go back with him then they'll never speak to me again.
We slept together last night and this morning I've woke up and my head is scrambled, I've been looking at moving to another city and everything so we can start a fresh life where no one knows us. He is so remorseful and has been doing counselling and rehabilitation, they've come to the conclusion it stemmed from his p*rn addiction.
I know we have ages until his sentencing and charges etc. They've gave back devices that was clear (he admitted to only using his phone which has been sent off).
Has anyone been in the same situation? We want to be together but it feels like we can't, he's moved out but we talk every day and when we are together it's so lovely, everything leaves my head. Am I kidding myself? Any advice please...
My (now ex) was arrested for possession and distribution. He admitted everything to me and the police. For about 1.5years he has been looking at 13/14 years olds and trading videos via email and Snapchat. He told me everything and every question I asked he answered. I was in shock.
I left that day and we have been split up since. Thing is, I love him and I want ti be with him and support him. But I told all my family, my work and a close friend what had happened, I was suicidal and feeling really down and needed support (I'm doing counselling now). They all hate him and have pretty much said if I go back with him then they'll never speak to me again.
We slept together last night and this morning I've woke up and my head is scrambled, I've been looking at moving to another city and everything so we can start a fresh life where no one knows us. He is so remorseful and has been doing counselling and rehabilitation, they've come to the conclusion it stemmed from his p*rn addiction.
I know we have ages until his sentencing and charges etc. They've gave back devices that was clear (he admitted to only using his phone which has been sent off).
Has anyone been in the same situation? We want to be together but it feels like we can't, he's moved out but we talk every day and when we are together it's so lovely, everything leaves my head. Am I kidding myself? Any advice please...
Confused101
It's so difficult, isn't it? I find myself looking at my partner; he looks the same, he is the same, but I think about what he has been doing and I feel so angry and can't bear the thought of him touching me, it makes me feel dirty. And then again, I feel sorry for him, he made a mistake, he is not an evil person. He is a good kind person and when it matters he has been there for me. If we just had our own mixed feelings to cope with, that's hard enough, but when we have to deal with the judgement and opinions of others too...
I can understand why people up and move to get away from the judgement of neighbours, friends, family and possibly vigilantes. It such a difficult one because among these offenders there are probably some genuinely terrible people, and this seems to be the measure by which all of them are judged, even though it seems to me that most are just people that got sucked in via porn.
Only you know whether your circumstances will allow you and your partner to relocate and start again and whether it would be worth it. For me it's too big a shift, moving house, jobs, leaving friends and family behind would be very hard. But its something only you can answer.
It's so difficult, isn't it? I find myself looking at my partner; he looks the same, he is the same, but I think about what he has been doing and I feel so angry and can't bear the thought of him touching me, it makes me feel dirty. And then again, I feel sorry for him, he made a mistake, he is not an evil person. He is a good kind person and when it matters he has been there for me. If we just had our own mixed feelings to cope with, that's hard enough, but when we have to deal with the judgement and opinions of others too...
I can understand why people up and move to get away from the judgement of neighbours, friends, family and possibly vigilantes. It such a difficult one because among these offenders there are probably some genuinely terrible people, and this seems to be the measure by which all of them are judged, even though it seems to me that most are just people that got sucked in via porn.
Only you know whether your circumstances will allow you and your partner to relocate and start again and whether it would be worth it. For me it's too big a shift, moving house, jobs, leaving friends and family behind would be very hard. But its something only you can answer.
Hi, this is such a personal journey that it's impossible for anyone to really give any advice. People react from where they are emotionally so those who have said they wouldn't speak to you would quite possibly feel differently if you open up to them. I have told my family that I intend to try and work through this mess with my partner (emotionally at least). We have a very young child together so only actually see each other once a week. My older children are not in a place to see him or have anything to do with him. My parents and one of my sisters have said the same. I'm hoping that because this process of rebuilding our relationship will be a long and well thought out one due to the children and their needs/wishes that by the time we are looking at potentially living together we won't face much backlash. There was an article in the metro, I have no idea how to add links but it was called I was 8 months pregnant and my partner was arrested for child sex offences (I think, I'm scared to change tabs incase I lose everything I've written) it was written by pregnant and scared on here. I sent this to my mom and a couple of friends as I felt it said everything I wanted to. Lots of love on your journey whatever you decide xx
Post deleted
I'd echo what others have said here regarding it being a completely personal journey.
Also don't forget, just as your initial feelings have changed other people's can too.
Ultimately it's your life and your choice. Only you know what you can live with or perhaps how painful a life without him maybe.
Understandable you'd have perhaps gone to your family /friends with a specific narrative based on how you felt at the time and what you knew. I wonder if you've learned anything different since you first found out or what has made you change your mind on how you feel. Perhaps this would help others change their mind too?
If you truly think you want to be with him and accept the impact it'll have on your life, your family /friends may see things differently if the recognise how import it is to you.
I think people are more likely to understand if they see he's done work on himself to understand why he offended in the first place.
My partner is expecting a custodial, he's a couple to weeks away from sentencing. I don't know what I want to do regarding our relationship. Like many here I've had a journey with differing feelings towards my partner. I don't think he's a bad person, nor do I think he's a danger to children. Regardless of the outcome at court, his life will change hugely and if I stay with him, so will mine and the future I/we hoped for won't be possible. For the first time this weekend we were able to discuss the realities of a new future and what that might look like - Right down to work he could do, where we'd live, pensions, mortgage etc. It's now my decision as to whether that's what I want.
I'm fortunate that the people I've told have been supportive, but I also said to them that I couldn't ignore my heart even if they were worried about my future or disagreed with my choice, I couldn't not live true to my feelings to satisfy other peoples feelings and what they think.
Also don't forget, just as your initial feelings have changed other people's can too.
Ultimately it's your life and your choice. Only you know what you can live with or perhaps how painful a life without him maybe.
Understandable you'd have perhaps gone to your family /friends with a specific narrative based on how you felt at the time and what you knew. I wonder if you've learned anything different since you first found out or what has made you change your mind on how you feel. Perhaps this would help others change their mind too?
If you truly think you want to be with him and accept the impact it'll have on your life, your family /friends may see things differently if the recognise how import it is to you.
I think people are more likely to understand if they see he's done work on himself to understand why he offended in the first place.
My partner is expecting a custodial, he's a couple to weeks away from sentencing. I don't know what I want to do regarding our relationship. Like many here I've had a journey with differing feelings towards my partner. I don't think he's a bad person, nor do I think he's a danger to children. Regardless of the outcome at court, his life will change hugely and if I stay with him, so will mine and the future I/we hoped for won't be possible. For the first time this weekend we were able to discuss the realities of a new future and what that might look like - Right down to work he could do, where we'd live, pensions, mortgage etc. It's now my decision as to whether that's what I want.
I'm fortunate that the people I've told have been supportive, but I also said to them that I couldn't ignore my heart even if they were worried about my future or disagreed with my choice, I couldn't not live true to my feelings to satisfy other peoples feelings and what they think.
Hey, I broke up with my partner (knock over a year ago for communication with decoy) because I know he's a good person who made a terrible mistake I supported him as a friend at first because he has noone else. I havnt told anyone the truth because, if I'm. Honest, I was ashamed, but now we decided to kero it between us until nearer court, we git closer and closer then sleot together, was amazing and still is he's the same man I love but more open and honest. We are still keeping our relationship between us, capart from my kids (older) because I had to tell them where I was going etc. He can't stay with me as I have a 16byear old and his bail conditions say no contact with u der 18s so I go to his. We are taking it day by day but we are really enjoying this time together. Do you YOU, want, explain how you feel and educate them on porn addiction. They might come around. They probably seen what it did to you too and are angry with him. But time is a great healer and hopefully they'll see what work he's done x
Thanks everyone, I appreciate everything. I was so angry and confused when he got the knock, I told all my family and my close friend because I wanted support. I'm doing counselling and that's been a huge help. I went through a phase of not taking (lasted all of 3 days), we are selling our house atm because I told him we were not going to be together. But now we have decided to give things a go, we are still selling and will rent somewhere and then decide what to do once it gets close to sentencing.
Police told me probably suspended when they gave me devices back so hoping it'll stay the same as I do t know how I'd cope if it custodial.
I'm prepared to lose family amd friends for choosing to be with him. He didn't meet or intend to meet, he was exchanging teen videos and knows what he has done is wrong. He's been great with the police, admitted guilt from the start and gave them everything. I love him with everything and cannot see a life without him and am prepared to face it with him. Has anyone come out thw other side?
He is going to start a course, and has been doing counselling and willing to try anything tbh. We've had a long chat and both know what we could be facing and how it'll effect us both, he is willing to relocate anywhere if need be etc.
I know it's a personal journey to everyone but appreciate all the responses. I could only think about what he's done when he got arrested, but now all I think about is what we can do to move forward, is that bad?
Thanks everyone, much love ?
Police told me probably suspended when they gave me devices back so hoping it'll stay the same as I do t know how I'd cope if it custodial.
I'm prepared to lose family amd friends for choosing to be with him. He didn't meet or intend to meet, he was exchanging teen videos and knows what he has done is wrong. He's been great with the police, admitted guilt from the start and gave them everything. I love him with everything and cannot see a life without him and am prepared to face it with him. Has anyone come out thw other side?
He is going to start a course, and has been doing counselling and willing to try anything tbh. We've had a long chat and both know what we could be facing and how it'll effect us both, he is willing to relocate anywhere if need be etc.
I know it's a personal journey to everyone but appreciate all the responses. I could only think about what he's done when he got arrested, but now all I think about is what we can do to move forward, is that bad?
Thanks everyone, much love ?
It's certainly a rollercoaster of emotions. I too couldn't see a future in the beginning. Now I miss him on the days he isn't visiting and we often just sit and talk, laugh and cuddle - the things we didn't do enough of before. I still haven't said we will stay together or that it will work, I'm taking one day at a time. There are still days when I don't want to be near him because of what he's done to our family and our family but I also can't see my life without him in it x
Hi JayJay,
I know what you mean. It was horrible the first few weeks, I what he had done and done to me but I couldn't hate him. It was really difficult and still is don't get me wrong.
The decision I've made is final, I want to be with him and support him and am learned to lose people that I've told. I just hope my mum and younger sister will understand and be happy for me and understand.
I hope you get through it whatever you decide x
I know what you mean. It was horrible the first few weeks, I what he had done and done to me but I couldn't hate him. It was really difficult and still is don't get me wrong.
The decision I've made is final, I want to be with him and support him and am learned to lose people that I've told. I just hope my mum and younger sister will understand and be happy for me and understand.
I hope you get through it whatever you decide x
Hi,
when we told people we wrote a narrative of what we wanted them to know. The facts about what happened, why it happened and what he's done since. Made it clear what our decision was and that we want their support.
we told family before sentencing and had nothing but support from them, they were obviously shocked but they have all stood by us.
we got hit with the media after court and this is how our friends found out, for the most part we have had nothing but support. my OH has lost a couple of friends but I just feel that if they weren't willing to hear us out then they aren't worth having around.
when we told people we wrote a narrative of what we wanted them to know. The facts about what happened, why it happened and what he's done since. Made it clear what our decision was and that we want their support.
we told family before sentencing and had nothing but support from them, they were obviously shocked but they have all stood by us.
we got hit with the media after court and this is how our friends found out, for the most part we have had nothing but support. my OH has lost a couple of friends but I just feel that if they weren't willing to hear us out then they aren't worth having around.
Unlike many others here I met my partner after he had the knock....and he told me quite early in the relationship he was under investigation for iioc.
Even though I had not known him long I get the genuine feeling he was remorseful and had already started his rehabilitation. I decided to stick by him but was cautious and asked lists of questions and he was honest.
In one way I wish I just walked away- most people would. I have kept it a secret from everyone except some family members due to disclosure requirements. Thankfully no one has out right criticized me, tho ofc I was questioned why I would stay with someone when I had no real ties to them.
It is hard being with an offender, I am on edge and I hate lying to people. I also worry about any fall out e.g. losing our home, people at work find out and I need to move jobs because they won't want to work with me. I know that if my friends found out I would lose them and I would lose family too. But it's the risk I am willing to take.
I just hope for when I need to tell people they hear what I have to say and that I do not condone his actions.
Even though I had not known him long I get the genuine feeling he was remorseful and had already started his rehabilitation. I decided to stick by him but was cautious and asked lists of questions and he was honest.
In one way I wish I just walked away- most people would. I have kept it a secret from everyone except some family members due to disclosure requirements. Thankfully no one has out right criticized me, tho ofc I was questioned why I would stay with someone when I had no real ties to them.
It is hard being with an offender, I am on edge and I hate lying to people. I also worry about any fall out e.g. losing our home, people at work find out and I need to move jobs because they won't want to work with me. I know that if my friends found out I would lose them and I would lose family too. But it's the risk I am willing to take.
I just hope for when I need to tell people they hear what I have to say and that I do not condone his actions.
So the day he was arrested he was RUI. He told me everything when he got home from the station and I left that day, stayed with my parents parents 2 weeks. During that time I told all family members who has children that he has been in contact with, my close friend and my work (I just upped and left without and explanation so felt they should know why). But at that time I was so shocked I disregarded how I would feel about him a couple months later.
With obv the people that know, they hate him and what he has done, and never want to see him again etc. But now we are giving it another go I think it'll be hard for them to see him how I see him.
I hope it won't come out in the media and make things worse for us. He was arrested only in Feb this year so expecting a long wait until sentencing.
How was it once posted in the media or papers? Did people 'come' for you? I work in a hospital and obviously they know we are not together, do I need to tell them we have decided to give it a go or wait until sentencing if that's something they need to know?
Sorry for all the questions, I need to think long term.
Much Love
With obv the people that know, they hate him and what he has done, and never want to see him again etc. But now we are giving it another go I think it'll be hard for them to see him how I see him.
I hope it won't come out in the media and make things worse for us. He was arrested only in Feb this year so expecting a long wait until sentencing.
How was it once posted in the media or papers? Did people 'come' for you? I work in a hospital and obviously they know we are not together, do I need to tell them we have decided to give it a go or wait until sentencing if that's something they need to know?
Sorry for all the questions, I need to think long term.
Much Love
Post deleted
I am still flip flopping about what to do, I don't believe the small amount of images was download deliberately but the volume of adult porn, the years it was going on without me knowing and that being one the reasons for the lack of involvement in childcare, help around the house and general family life is just such a betrayal, it was going on under my nose and I just thought he was introverted and depressed, it just feels like such a betrayal. And that he thinks his porn habit is normal, well if it is I am not bothering with men ever again. He is not a bad person, he is not evil but he has been selfish thoughtless and careless and I'm not sure he can ever make it up to me.
Things are better now between us than they have been for a long time and I had a thought this morning about whether I would be more upset if I was told I could never see him again or if I was told I could never leave him. And the answer was obvious - I would be more unhappy if I was told I could never leave. Sure, I would be sad if I never saw him again and I would grieve for the good times and the future I thought we might have, but if I project myself into the future I just feel like I will continue in this state of low level misery, bumping along with life just about being OK, and I feel like I deserve more than that.
I think the think that is tethering me is my belief that he will fall apart if we split up.
Things are better now between us than they have been for a long time and I had a thought this morning about whether I would be more upset if I was told I could never see him again or if I was told I could never leave him. And the answer was obvious - I would be more unhappy if I was told I could never leave. Sure, I would be sad if I never saw him again and I would grieve for the good times and the future I thought we might have, but if I project myself into the future I just feel like I will continue in this state of low level misery, bumping along with life just about being OK, and I feel like I deserve more than that.
I think the think that is tethering me is my belief that he will fall apart if we split up.