Exhausted
Notifications OFF
Just wanted to think out loud really ... I'm mentally exhausted.
Had charges, magistrates in 9 weeks.
I keep thinking about whether to tell my family and friends before court just in case.
Also I am not strong enough to tell them the truth. My very old friends will be devastated at him, for me, hurt I didn't tell them. One of them is a police officer in a different county.
I want to lie, I know most ladies have advised to tell the truth and what he's done to put it right but I'm exhausted from it all and we've already lost the friends we have told, we thought they'd be supportive.
did anyone lie and if so what did you say?
please don't judge x
Had charges, magistrates in 9 weeks.
I keep thinking about whether to tell my family and friends before court just in case.
Also I am not strong enough to tell them the truth. My very old friends will be devastated at him, for me, hurt I didn't tell them. One of them is a police officer in a different county.
I want to lie, I know most ladies have advised to tell the truth and what he's done to put it right but I'm exhausted from it all and we've already lost the friends we have told, we thought they'd be supportive.
did anyone lie and if so what did you say?
please don't judge x
Evening Jayjay,
Sorry to hear your struggling with your journey,
It is your choice on what to say, we had kept it between ourselves we told my sons best friends but they unfortunately have walked away but we have to respect there decision
I then told some close family members as he was due in court and I diddnt want then to hear about it via the media , I told them everything and the sheer amount of support us and my son have been shown is truly amazing so we are very lucky x
The issue would be if you did lie and it was made public it would perhaps bring more uncertainty but only you can decide on what to do and what is right for you both x
Sorry to hear your struggling with your journey,
It is your choice on what to say, we had kept it between ourselves we told my sons best friends but they unfortunately have walked away but we have to respect there decision
I then told some close family members as he was due in court and I diddnt want then to hear about it via the media , I told them everything and the sheer amount of support us and my son have been shown is truly amazing so we are very lucky x
The issue would be if you did lie and it was made public it would perhaps bring more uncertainty but only you can decide on what to do and what is right for you both x
Whilst we are not at that stage yet, court and such... We told My mum and our mutual best friend...
M mum instantly said get rid of him..
But in end after a few weeks, she said she didn't hate him, she hated what he did.
Our best friend unfortunately hasn't spoken to us much since we told them. It's a bit upsetting but we respect their decision.
At the end of the day it's your decision. You know your family atleast well enough to know what they would say. Your friends are a chance...
Id never tell anyone in my family unless I had to because I know what their reaction would be. But again we've not reached that stage yet. I'm hoping that due to the lesser severity of the images from what he can remember as this was circa almost 2 years ago he started during an alcoholic fueled undiagnosed depression period... It will most likely result in a caution... That's what the police officer told him.
But I've learned from the forum to take everything with a grain of salt.
M mum instantly said get rid of him..
But in end after a few weeks, she said she didn't hate him, she hated what he did.
Our best friend unfortunately hasn't spoken to us much since we told them. It's a bit upsetting but we respect their decision.
At the end of the day it's your decision. You know your family atleast well enough to know what they would say. Your friends are a chance...
Id never tell anyone in my family unless I had to because I know what their reaction would be. But again we've not reached that stage yet. I'm hoping that due to the lesser severity of the images from what he can remember as this was circa almost 2 years ago he started during an alcoholic fueled undiagnosed depression period... It will most likely result in a caution... That's what the police officer told him.
But I've learned from the forum to take everything with a grain of salt.
I think the problem is our friends children are all in our childrens circles, I can't help but think of the stigma and repercussions on them. Children will hear things, they can be cruel. They may want to leave their mutual activities which they love, I feel so bad for them if the truth comes out x
Hi jayjay,
I'm sorry you're having a really tough time. I was 100% never telling any friends this but it got taken out of my hands. Some have been amazing and have listened to us, wished we had told them sooner and supported us. Others read the paper and believe that and won't hear us out.
but some of his friends have said they can't be friends with him but their wives have reached out to support me and have said they still want to see me and our daughter.
in hindsight maybe we should have told them our set narrative-I forget that we are so clued up on this now and others aren't. People think my OH went out and took photos as he got charged with making. Or that he sat at his computer going through and clicking on photos as that's how it was made out. It has been really hard to explain to people what all the jargon means and how this came about. That there is an addiction and not attraction. Also we got sentenced 2 years after the knock so we've had a really long time to process this and learn. Our friends are one week into it, I guess maybe I'm asking to much of them to be where I am?
but yesterday our little girl was christened, my family and friends came to the party with their children. They were all running around, playing and chatting to my OH and we had such an amazing day. It has made those relationships stronger.
I'm sorry you're having a really tough time. I was 100% never telling any friends this but it got taken out of my hands. Some have been amazing and have listened to us, wished we had told them sooner and supported us. Others read the paper and believe that and won't hear us out.
but some of his friends have said they can't be friends with him but their wives have reached out to support me and have said they still want to see me and our daughter.
in hindsight maybe we should have told them our set narrative-I forget that we are so clued up on this now and others aren't. People think my OH went out and took photos as he got charged with making. Or that he sat at his computer going through and clicking on photos as that's how it was made out. It has been really hard to explain to people what all the jargon means and how this came about. That there is an addiction and not attraction. Also we got sentenced 2 years after the knock so we've had a really long time to process this and learn. Our friends are one week into it, I guess maybe I'm asking to much of them to be where I am?
but yesterday our little girl was christened, my family and friends came to the party with their children. They were all running around, playing and chatting to my OH and we had such an amazing day. It has made those relationships stronger.
Aww Jayjay,
I totally understand, it's often hard to know what to do for the best.
I'm in a bit of an odd/lucky (depends on your perspective!) situation. We told no one bar his mother, sister and her partner (had to as he had to go live with his sister). His mum told her sister and I told one very close friend that I KNEW would never judge.
I found it easier just telling others we'd separated and that I didn't want to talk about it, but what had happened was more than a simple falling out. This somehow, by preserving our privacy, made it more bearable.
Unfortunately, when it got to court, it all came out in the local press and to say I was horrified along with being personally and professionally humiliated is an understatement. It was a tortuous year, which he spent 7.5mths in prison. He got off light really, as I had to face everyone, I had to receive the pity, the gossip, the judgement. My toes still curl just thinking about the article. The women were mostly supportive, whereas his male friends were more 'black and white' and cut ties. It's because it's such an emotive crime as children are involved. You find yourself wondering if a person didn't reply to your text/defriended you on Facebook because 'they know.' Worse still, I was trotting out the narrative that I was comfortable with, not knowing who knew the truth. Several friends have since told me they knew, but didn't know what to say, so said nothing. That's probably worse that someone just asking about it.
My family live 90 miles away and are none the wiser. This may sound odd, but I needed some part of my life to have 'normalcy'. I can visit and beyond asking if he's well (we were together 16yrs) they don't pry and I don't feel judged/humiliated/on edge. I do think if it ever comes out or I tell them, they'll be hurt I wasn't straight with them, they may worry about their kids having been around my ex but i've decided after 2 years, I'm the one in the middle of this s£&t show and I get to decide how/what I say and to whom. I have a little one too, so trying to keep it as-under-wraps as possible is important to me to try and protect him.
Wishing you well in whatever you decide to do.
I totally understand, it's often hard to know what to do for the best.
I'm in a bit of an odd/lucky (depends on your perspective!) situation. We told no one bar his mother, sister and her partner (had to as he had to go live with his sister). His mum told her sister and I told one very close friend that I KNEW would never judge.
I found it easier just telling others we'd separated and that I didn't want to talk about it, but what had happened was more than a simple falling out. This somehow, by preserving our privacy, made it more bearable.
Unfortunately, when it got to court, it all came out in the local press and to say I was horrified along with being personally and professionally humiliated is an understatement. It was a tortuous year, which he spent 7.5mths in prison. He got off light really, as I had to face everyone, I had to receive the pity, the gossip, the judgement. My toes still curl just thinking about the article. The women were mostly supportive, whereas his male friends were more 'black and white' and cut ties. It's because it's such an emotive crime as children are involved. You find yourself wondering if a person didn't reply to your text/defriended you on Facebook because 'they know.' Worse still, I was trotting out the narrative that I was comfortable with, not knowing who knew the truth. Several friends have since told me they knew, but didn't know what to say, so said nothing. That's probably worse that someone just asking about it.
My family live 90 miles away and are none the wiser. This may sound odd, but I needed some part of my life to have 'normalcy'. I can visit and beyond asking if he's well (we were together 16yrs) they don't pry and I don't feel judged/humiliated/on edge. I do think if it ever comes out or I tell them, they'll be hurt I wasn't straight with them, they may worry about their kids having been around my ex but i've decided after 2 years, I'm the one in the middle of this s£&t show and I get to decide how/what I say and to whom. I have a little one too, so trying to keep it as-under-wraps as possible is important to me to try and protect him.
Wishing you well in whatever you decide to do.
Hiya Jayjay.
Wow 9 more weeks from letter to court case that's a long time. I thought it was 4/6 weeks if not quicker.
((Hugs)) xx
Wow 9 more weeks from letter to court case that's a long time. I thought it was 4/6 weeks if not quicker.
((Hugs)) xx
JayJay, I feel your agony and quandary. I think I've replied to one of your posts before. I'm in a quandary as to what to say myself to people, although I think honesty is the best policy, its so hard.
I'm in a slightly different situation in that I live 200 miles from my partners home and because he isn't on social media friends don't know his full name or his exact home town. Therefore I wondered if I could say that he's gone to prison and that I'm simply not ready to talk about it.
I have a friend that has been extremely supportive and caring to me, knowing I was going through a rough time and not wanting to talk about it. They totally respected that and have done all they can to try to perk me up. I felt I could let them know a little bit more and put some perspective on why I'm finding life tough at the moment (so many people are giving me advise or telling me to do things becaue they simply think we've broken up - It's so hard and frustrating, because there advise is well meant but irrelevant). Over the weekendI said to them that my partner was in court next week, facing custodial, that I didn't want to talk about it anymore, but that is why I was finding life difficult. Their response wasn't about me and what I needed it was about needing to know the crime - I can understand the natural intrigue. I now feel so stupid for telling them and it isn't something I can take back. Their response gave me an insight of how people may react. This was someone that has been so so so kind and supportive but as soon as I mentioned crime (not even the specific), it seems my needs are less important that knowing about a crime that I didn't commit. It hurts. I now feel this will be a elephant in the room and will impact our friendship .
It's definitely made me feel that if I can get away with not telling anyone else, I will and I'll have to accept that I will have to live a bit of a lie.
Its so extremely sad that we are innocent people in this, yet the stimga that comes with this means some people can't see beyond the crime. I'm not married but we were about to embark on IVF and I was a couple of weeks away from leaving my job and putting my house on the market to move to his home, so we were fully committed, yet I feel I'll be judged more for choosing to stay, because it would actually be so easy to leave.
Whilst this forum has been helping as has immersing myself in information, I do feel that it's normalised it for me and this weekend has reminded me what a lot of people think.
I'm in a slightly different situation in that I live 200 miles from my partners home and because he isn't on social media friends don't know his full name or his exact home town. Therefore I wondered if I could say that he's gone to prison and that I'm simply not ready to talk about it.
I have a friend that has been extremely supportive and caring to me, knowing I was going through a rough time and not wanting to talk about it. They totally respected that and have done all they can to try to perk me up. I felt I could let them know a little bit more and put some perspective on why I'm finding life tough at the moment (so many people are giving me advise or telling me to do things becaue they simply think we've broken up - It's so hard and frustrating, because there advise is well meant but irrelevant). Over the weekendI said to them that my partner was in court next week, facing custodial, that I didn't want to talk about it anymore, but that is why I was finding life difficult. Their response wasn't about me and what I needed it was about needing to know the crime - I can understand the natural intrigue. I now feel so stupid for telling them and it isn't something I can take back. Their response gave me an insight of how people may react. This was someone that has been so so so kind and supportive but as soon as I mentioned crime (not even the specific), it seems my needs are less important that knowing about a crime that I didn't commit. It hurts. I now feel this will be a elephant in the room and will impact our friendship .
It's definitely made me feel that if I can get away with not telling anyone else, I will and I'll have to accept that I will have to live a bit of a lie.
Its so extremely sad that we are innocent people in this, yet the stimga that comes with this means some people can't see beyond the crime. I'm not married but we were about to embark on IVF and I was a couple of weeks away from leaving my job and putting my house on the market to move to his home, so we were fully committed, yet I feel I'll be judged more for choosing to stay, because it would actually be so easy to leave.
Whilst this forum has been helping as has immersing myself in information, I do feel that it's normalised it for me and this weekend has reminded me what a lot of people think.
Isn't it amazing -you think your thought of "oh that nice family", then when this happens you feel like you are classed as "oh that weird family"!!!!