Sad and lonely
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Hi Andrea,
I'm nowhere near as far in my journey as you - it’s only been about 3 weeks since my boyfriend was arrested, and I’ve already had enough ups and downs to last a lifetime. Like you I feel a little robbed of my future - plans to buy a house, start a family, in the best case are all on hold for a while (in the very best case!).
It is a lonely experience, because I don’t feel anyone would understand (especially as I’m currently choosing to stay with my partner), but I have found it really helpful to speak with both Stop It Now! and the Samaritans (in the small hours of the morning).
I’d suggest asking to see an alternative doctor, as there is almost certainly SOMETHING they can do to help - whether that’s medications, therapy, or even just suggestions for lifestyle changes which could help.
I've found yoga & meditation have been helping me to clear my mind and relax - look up yoga nidra on YouTube, there are loads of videos. It’s a guided meditation known as the yogi sleep - it helps you to relax deeply and clear the mind (2 things I certainly can’t do on my own right now!).
I'm sorry you are in this situation and feeling so lonely - remember that’s what this community is here for, to help each other through. Maybe also look into the Inform course? I’m hoping to sign up in the next few weeks, and I’ve heard positive things from those who have attended. X
I'm nowhere near as far in my journey as you - it’s only been about 3 weeks since my boyfriend was arrested, and I’ve already had enough ups and downs to last a lifetime. Like you I feel a little robbed of my future - plans to buy a house, start a family, in the best case are all on hold for a while (in the very best case!).
It is a lonely experience, because I don’t feel anyone would understand (especially as I’m currently choosing to stay with my partner), but I have found it really helpful to speak with both Stop It Now! and the Samaritans (in the small hours of the morning).
I’d suggest asking to see an alternative doctor, as there is almost certainly SOMETHING they can do to help - whether that’s medications, therapy, or even just suggestions for lifestyle changes which could help.
I've found yoga & meditation have been helping me to clear my mind and relax - look up yoga nidra on YouTube, there are loads of videos. It’s a guided meditation known as the yogi sleep - it helps you to relax deeply and clear the mind (2 things I certainly can’t do on my own right now!).
I'm sorry you are in this situation and feeling so lonely - remember that’s what this community is here for, to help each other through. Maybe also look into the Inform course? I’m hoping to sign up in the next few weeks, and I’ve heard positive things from those who have attended. X
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Hello Andrea and De,
What you have written chimes so well in my head - it could have been me writing those posts! You are both confused, angry, trying to hold it together, frightened and a whole multitude of other emotions. There wasn’t anything like this forum available when my ex husband was arrested, and I really wanted contact with women who had undergone similar experiences but couldn’t make those contacts. So please keep using the forum and derive strength from it.
Remember that you have done nothing wrong. When you consider who to tell, I can assure you that the vast majority of people will be sympathetic, loving and understanding. You will gain support from the most unlikely sources. There will probably also be one or two people who will let you down - it’s extraordinary how some people show their true colours, but if that’s the case you are better off without them. I don’t have contact with my ex’s family now for example as they couldn’t give me any meaningful support despite the fact we had been close for 25 years. I suppose that it is natural they would put him first and it’s something that I just have to accept.
In the early days, my GP prescribed me some very mild non addictive sleeping tablets. I hate taking tablets for things like that, but I knew it was going to be only for a few months and it did help me reestablish a reasonable sleeping pattern. So it might be worth considering because if you can’t sleep you can’t think properly or deal with your problems.
Have you read the long account of one woman’s experiences on this forum? It might help you to understand what the future emotional journey might be like. And it does have a positive outcome.
My best wishes to both of you. We must take the comfort and support from this forum and use it to help us come to terms with what has been done to us.
What you have written chimes so well in my head - it could have been me writing those posts! You are both confused, angry, trying to hold it together, frightened and a whole multitude of other emotions. There wasn’t anything like this forum available when my ex husband was arrested, and I really wanted contact with women who had undergone similar experiences but couldn’t make those contacts. So please keep using the forum and derive strength from it.
Remember that you have done nothing wrong. When you consider who to tell, I can assure you that the vast majority of people will be sympathetic, loving and understanding. You will gain support from the most unlikely sources. There will probably also be one or two people who will let you down - it’s extraordinary how some people show their true colours, but if that’s the case you are better off without them. I don’t have contact with my ex’s family now for example as they couldn’t give me any meaningful support despite the fact we had been close for 25 years. I suppose that it is natural they would put him first and it’s something that I just have to accept.
In the early days, my GP prescribed me some very mild non addictive sleeping tablets. I hate taking tablets for things like that, but I knew it was going to be only for a few months and it did help me reestablish a reasonable sleeping pattern. So it might be worth considering because if you can’t sleep you can’t think properly or deal with your problems.
Have you read the long account of one woman’s experiences on this forum? It might help you to understand what the future emotional journey might be like. And it does have a positive outcome.
My best wishes to both of you. We must take the comfort and support from this forum and use it to help us come to terms with what has been done to us.
Hi Andrea,
ive not told any friends - I’m a little worried about the judgements they would make, especially as I do want to stay (at least I think I do). I’m scared to tell my family - my dad is not the understanding type and tends to act first think later, so I am worried someone would get hurt if he ever found out.
I do get on well with his parents, and I had to call them on the day he was arrested to tell them why was happening. I’ve become quite close with his parents since then, and we do speak or text most days, but then there’s only so much you really want to discuss about your relationship with your boyfriend’s parents!
I know what you mean about the feeling of bereavement - that’s exactly how I would describe it. I have moments where it hits and I find myself bawling my eyes out, then other times I almost forget anything has happened (almost). It’s horrible to feel I’m putting on a front to everyone I know. I had a week off work when it happened which I said was a family emergency... everyone keeps asking if everything is ok, but I just shut the conversation down rather than lie to them.
Esther, thank you for your kind words as well. I’m glad we have this forum, as I’m taking a lot of comfort from your posts Esther, as strange as that may sound. We can all help each other through this x
ive not told any friends - I’m a little worried about the judgements they would make, especially as I do want to stay (at least I think I do). I’m scared to tell my family - my dad is not the understanding type and tends to act first think later, so I am worried someone would get hurt if he ever found out.
I do get on well with his parents, and I had to call them on the day he was arrested to tell them why was happening. I’ve become quite close with his parents since then, and we do speak or text most days, but then there’s only so much you really want to discuss about your relationship with your boyfriend’s parents!
I know what you mean about the feeling of bereavement - that’s exactly how I would describe it. I have moments where it hits and I find myself bawling my eyes out, then other times I almost forget anything has happened (almost). It’s horrible to feel I’m putting on a front to everyone I know. I had a week off work when it happened which I said was a family emergency... everyone keeps asking if everything is ok, but I just shut the conversation down rather than lie to them.
Esther, thank you for your kind words as well. I’m glad we have this forum, as I’m taking a lot of comfort from your posts Esther, as strange as that may sound. We can all help each other through this x
I'm so glad we can support each other in this way, and take at least some comfort from the contact we have with each other online. Yes, it is like a bereavement - apart from the fact that, had someone died, everyone would be sympathetic and understanding and it would be 'respectable' to talk about our partners and seek consolation for the loss we had experienced. In these difficult circumstances, we are humiliated and embarrassed and try to keep away from people and their judgements.
One thing I have learned is that no feeling you experience in response to the impact of this crime of online offending is 'wrong'. You will probably experience a whole range of conflicting emotions. And don't be afraid to let go for a bit. If you are having a good day and are able to take pleasure in something else as a distraction, go with it! You need to look after yourself and mustn't feel guilty for doing so.
One thing I have learned is that no feeling you experience in response to the impact of this crime of online offending is 'wrong'. You will probably experience a whole range of conflicting emotions. And don't be afraid to let go for a bit. If you are having a good day and are able to take pleasure in something else as a distraction, go with it! You need to look after yourself and mustn't feel guilty for doing so.
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Hi all,
i would say please don’t fight the feelings of sadness and loneliness, it’s so natural to feel all of those things. I mean we wouldn’t be human would we after such an awful situation to feel guilt, loneliness, grief, sadness. I think the saddest part for me was that I adored my ex. The kids adored their dad and with one knock at the door our lives were blown apart. I couldn’t tell people and I had to hold the family together emotionally and financially.
I am still sad and lonely at times (8 years on) because he was the love of my life and he’s gone. The kids never understood because unlike many couples that split (they think we split), we never fought or argued. He was just here and the next day he wasn’t.
I went to my doc who prescribed anti depressants for me and I drank too much and cried almost daily for probably 5 years. But I did finally get help with CBT and it changed my life. It helped me overcome many of the hateful emotions towards myself and I started to like myself. I now practice mindfulness and meditation and that helps. And I try not to drink too much as it affects my depression. I see this as a lifelong journey trough and I don’t expect the feelings to go.
they will just change. Please don’t be sad or lonely because we are here. X
i would say please don’t fight the feelings of sadness and loneliness, it’s so natural to feel all of those things. I mean we wouldn’t be human would we after such an awful situation to feel guilt, loneliness, grief, sadness. I think the saddest part for me was that I adored my ex. The kids adored their dad and with one knock at the door our lives were blown apart. I couldn’t tell people and I had to hold the family together emotionally and financially.
I am still sad and lonely at times (8 years on) because he was the love of my life and he’s gone. The kids never understood because unlike many couples that split (they think we split), we never fought or argued. He was just here and the next day he wasn’t.
I went to my doc who prescribed anti depressants for me and I drank too much and cried almost daily for probably 5 years. But I did finally get help with CBT and it changed my life. It helped me overcome many of the hateful emotions towards myself and I started to like myself. I now practice mindfulness and meditation and that helps. And I try not to drink too much as it affects my depression. I see this as a lifelong journey trough and I don’t expect the feelings to go.
they will just change. Please don’t be sad or lonely because we are here. X