Is there any hope?
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The knock happened in February of this year. Early in the morning, I was still in bed and heard voices downstairs with my husband. Pretty soon after there was a bang on the bedroom door and two police officers who said they had received a tip from our internet service provider and that two more of them were speaking to my husband downstairs.
One of them asked to look at my phone and the other asked me to get dressed and helped me get my gown. I was soon downstairs and my husband was at the table talking to a police officer. Two of them went looking through the house and the other one just made small talk with me.
They let me have my phone back and they took my husbands laptop and phone and left the warrant behind. It was for sexual communication with a child or causing a child to view a sexual act I think. They said they would be doing an investigation that could take up to 16 weeks and then because they saw childrens toys (my niece who sometimes stays with us), they said during the investigation, he couldn't be unsupervised with children.
One of them told me to have a chat with my husband after they left as he might not want to say anything with them present. After they left, he lied about viewing porn but as the day progressed, he admitted to watching porn but said he had never looked for or seen anything illegal. He said he had been in chat rooms but had never spoken to anyone underage. I asked him to leave and he went to stay with his mum. As the last 6/7 weeks have gone by, we found out pretty quickly from the police officer in charge of the case that "it's to do with someone he spoke to on Snapchat". They said they received the tip in November last year and when I asked why they took so long to get there she said she couldn't discuss it as it's an ongoing investigation. I asked what had left them there and whether it was just the address as we had a lot of work happening around that time. She said their enquiries had led them to the address and my husband.
Husband has since been seeing a therapist who specialises in porn addictions, has been speaking with a leader at our church and is looking to go to a 12 step group. He's still staying with his mum and I've had to move back in with mum as the tenancy agreement was running out in our place and I didn't feel good about renewing or staying there. We've had a very long conversation where I asked him to just tell everything and he still maintains that he hasn't sought out anything illegal and that the site he used to get usernames from had an age requirement if 18. He says he has been reckless in not double checking peoples ages sometimes but that he's confident they are not going to find any wrongdoing on his part.
It's all just so much and I feel like if it was a case of him watching porn and cheating then I could start to work on things but it feels like there is this dark cloud hanging over me. I try not to think about it but I can't not think about it. I guess I just wanted to vent but also ask if anyone has had situations like this where it turns out the husband/boyfriend/partner was telling the truth? I just don't know what to think or feel.
One of them asked to look at my phone and the other asked me to get dressed and helped me get my gown. I was soon downstairs and my husband was at the table talking to a police officer. Two of them went looking through the house and the other one just made small talk with me.
They let me have my phone back and they took my husbands laptop and phone and left the warrant behind. It was for sexual communication with a child or causing a child to view a sexual act I think. They said they would be doing an investigation that could take up to 16 weeks and then because they saw childrens toys (my niece who sometimes stays with us), they said during the investigation, he couldn't be unsupervised with children.
One of them told me to have a chat with my husband after they left as he might not want to say anything with them present. After they left, he lied about viewing porn but as the day progressed, he admitted to watching porn but said he had never looked for or seen anything illegal. He said he had been in chat rooms but had never spoken to anyone underage. I asked him to leave and he went to stay with his mum. As the last 6/7 weeks have gone by, we found out pretty quickly from the police officer in charge of the case that "it's to do with someone he spoke to on Snapchat". They said they received the tip in November last year and when I asked why they took so long to get there she said she couldn't discuss it as it's an ongoing investigation. I asked what had left them there and whether it was just the address as we had a lot of work happening around that time. She said their enquiries had led them to the address and my husband.
Husband has since been seeing a therapist who specialises in porn addictions, has been speaking with a leader at our church and is looking to go to a 12 step group. He's still staying with his mum and I've had to move back in with mum as the tenancy agreement was running out in our place and I didn't feel good about renewing or staying there. We've had a very long conversation where I asked him to just tell everything and he still maintains that he hasn't sought out anything illegal and that the site he used to get usernames from had an age requirement if 18. He says he has been reckless in not double checking peoples ages sometimes but that he's confident they are not going to find any wrongdoing on his part.
It's all just so much and I feel like if it was a case of him watching porn and cheating then I could start to work on things but it feels like there is this dark cloud hanging over me. I try not to think about it but I can't not think about it. I guess I just wanted to vent but also ask if anyone has had situations like this where it turns out the husband/boyfriend/partner was telling the truth? I just don't know what to think or feel.
I'm so sorry you've found yourself here like so many of us. It's a hard road
I knew my partner watched porn, since having my last born our intimate life went on a massive decline (fear of becoming pregnant after a really crap pregnancy took over)
However, my knock came in the form of vigilantes last month. I'm still reeling from this. I've asked my partner over and over. He still stays to the same version.
I'm not quite sure how the police work, Snapchat I find is a extremely dangerous place. My teens have it and I'm constantly checking over it. Anyone can add anyone and sometimes we think we know peoples usernames and it turns out to be someone completely different. Women add mens usernames from their bit emoji.
Try not to be so hard on yourself and take each day as it comes. I always say to go on your gut instinct and go from there.
I knew my partner watched porn, since having my last born our intimate life went on a massive decline (fear of becoming pregnant after a really crap pregnancy took over)
However, my knock came in the form of vigilantes last month. I'm still reeling from this. I've asked my partner over and over. He still stays to the same version.
I'm not quite sure how the police work, Snapchat I find is a extremely dangerous place. My teens have it and I'm constantly checking over it. Anyone can add anyone and sometimes we think we know peoples usernames and it turns out to be someone completely different. Women add mens usernames from their bit emoji.
Try not to be so hard on yourself and take each day as it comes. I always say to go on your gut instinct and go from there.
Hello, sorry you find yourself here. Well it will all come out anyway if he isn't telling the truth and that will make things worse on you in the long run. My partner told me everything and although it was hard to here, I felt lighter after if that makes sense (his was communication with 15 year old with decoy) he was aware of the age and was just flattered by the attention (pathetic I know) he stopped himself after a few sexual chats, they started it and keot on and on until he answered and went down hill very quickly. I was horrified and still am to some degree a year and half later. My partner was taken to police station and interviewed. So maybe he is telking the truth if they didn't I don't k ow how that works but I'd say if they find anything hell be called in and interviewed with a solicitor present. This crime is a minefield so take care of yourself and see your gp x
Wow newlady. This is so similar to what I've been hearing from a few ladies. How they've kept the conversation going from their side. My partner blocked them on one account because he was overwhelmed with all the questions but they then messaged him on another app. It's unbelievable that these groups catch them in this way ,wanting them to fall for the traps.
How they get away with asking some of the questions they do is beyond me?!
Are you at the other end and through it now?
How they get away with asking some of the questions they do is beyond me?!
Are you at the other end and through it now?
No not yet we are contesting on of the charges which was a photograph he sent to me and wasn't even attached to the app he used, so that was November, we are still waiting on evidence being sent to barrister. Plea hearing put back 3 times, barrister sending emails etc, he rang cps himself to request them he git told its a 'grey' area and coukdnt give him information. Also he changed his name but had it all legally done before charges. So still in limbo I'm afraid xc
In the conversation in my case the decoy continued to pester until my partner blocked them and deleted the app. I understand that in real life if a teenager was throwing themselves at a man it would of course be his responsibility to say no due to age but I think online this mindset can be slightly different as consequences of actions don't seem to ring home for a lot of people. I also find it hard to believe the authenticity of these situations, the majority of teens would not be approaching older strange men to initiate chat with them (and especially not on certain apps!) unless perhaps they were vulnerable which I believe would be detectable from how they presented themselves and the nature of the chats. I think a lot of these decoy cases are highly placed on a lot of if's and but's and don't represent real life. In my opinion, unless someone is physically searching out underage profiles and initiating conversation then I don't see how any of it correlates to acting in the interests of protecting children. Of course, that's just my opinion!
Lost, I totally agree with you! I find a lot of this to be completely living up to my name - Baffling! I came across a post the other day in which the user explained how the term child pornography is outdated and wrong, pornography is what happens between consenting adults and should be classified as child abuse images or child abuse film which I think should be replicated in our laws. I genuinely believe that there should be much more scrutiny done with "offenders" as there seems to be far too much time and money wasted on ifs and buts cases along with some of the image cases (porn addiction cases). If it can be determined that there is no attraction to children and risk of physical harm or further online offending then different measures should be taken to deal with them which don't include the lifetime branding of terms which are thrown about far too freely - n and p word! With the re-offending rate so extremely low surely this would be in everyone's interest and then they could put the money saved into actually removing the sources of images, targeting real dangers as well as online safety/law education to the entire population.
I think the problem is society refuse to engage in a real conversation about it all. Unfortunately, until things actually effect people and they see things from the other side they don't want to know or make changes.
I think the problem is society refuse to engage in a real conversation about it all. Unfortunately, until things actually effect people and they see things from the other side they don't want to know or make changes.
Hi Lee, it was police decoy it's all so confusing, they told him they couldn't find the chat too (I think they ment on his phone as he deleted the app weeks b4 arrest and blocked it. But in night of arrest they had pages in front of him with chat on it? He had second interview where they produced the photo they found on his phone but it was on watsap and chat wasn't even on watsap it was sent to me so they are trying their luck. When solicitor asked if they had evidence that photo was connected to chat she saud 'no comment' and looked fuming. Barrister said she thinks they are delaying to see if they can find something ejse and because he's contesting that charge, think they though he was gonna take it lying down, and I think he woukd have if he didn't have the help he needed as he was on such a bad place before. Its so frustrating.
Yes exactly Lee, they showed no photos at interview, he gave a no comment interview, he's definitely guilty of one charge but not that one, thank you Lee, your information on this has been such a great help not just to me but to everyone xxx
Exactly what he said I was glad I was there because he was in a terrible state about it, he swore he definitely didn't and the chat happened over such a short period of time he remembered it all . We'll keep on fighting it thanks Lee xx
Thank you all for your comments and sharing your experiences. He got a call today to say that they have concluded the investigation and that the next step is an interview so he'll be going for that next Wednesday.
It's been about 9 weeks since the knock and they had said it would take up to 16 weeks so I don't know whether it's a good or bad thing that they have come back so "soon".
He's maintained what he's been saying the past two months and says he'll tell them the same and be honest. I don't know so just have to get through the next few days feeling sick. I feel how I did at the beginning of all this. I was just beginning to be kind of okay and accept that it would take ages but now it's just around the corner and I'm terrified.
It's been about 9 weeks since the knock and they had said it would take up to 16 weeks so I don't know whether it's a good or bad thing that they have come back so "soon".
He's maintained what he's been saying the past two months and says he'll tell them the same and be honest. I don't know so just have to get through the next few days feeling sick. I feel how I did at the beginning of all this. I was just beginning to be kind of okay and accept that it would take ages but now it's just around the corner and I'm terrified.
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I definitely second what Dafodil said! The Police in my case have twisted things in casual conversations so God knows what they would've done in an interview without a solicitor.
Limbo 7 just hang on in there, this group is so supportive and there is lots of useful information here
Lost, Baffled and Lee, this is a very interesting thread, especially the comments about how offenders with no interest in children are and should be treated, and whether the law as it stands and how it is being enforced actually provides the protection of children it was supposedly designed for. Thought provoking.
Lost, Baffled and Lee, this is a very interesting thread, especially the comments about how offenders with no interest in children are and should be treated, and whether the law as it stands and how it is being enforced actually provides the protection of children it was supposedly designed for. Thought provoking.
Thank you so much again for your advice and well wishes. Well, it happened today. He had the duty solicitor and he came back and said he thought it went well (I don't even know how he can think that).
They said they checked all his devices and found nothing but the conversation which tipped them off. He says he thought he was speaking to an adult and role playing. Turns out it was a police officer. He said he got the chance to just tell them how he ended up there (porn addiction, depression, anxiety) and how he has been getting help since the knock and working on himself.
They asked him about sexual attraction to children to which he said he didn't have an attraction to children and he had this conversation with this person because there was no one else to talk to. It happened the one time and he didn't even like it. They said his search history and everything else he looked at had no children in it and that he had not been seeking out child porn or to communicate with children. They said he'd never spoken to anyone underage other than the police officer.
He said he feels better because he was worried that he had been speaking to people who were underage without knowing and that since he can't even remember most conversations, he is glad that was not the case. He said he feels awful that in the 16 years he's been watching porn (since he was 10) and talking to people, he can't believe this one conversation and stupidity has destroyed his life and our marriage.
They've now said it's off to the CPS to decide. I don't even know what to think. I didn't know how I thought today would go but I didn't think this would be it. It somehow feels worse knowing it was a police officer he was talking to.
They said they checked all his devices and found nothing but the conversation which tipped them off. He says he thought he was speaking to an adult and role playing. Turns out it was a police officer. He said he got the chance to just tell them how he ended up there (porn addiction, depression, anxiety) and how he has been getting help since the knock and working on himself.
They asked him about sexual attraction to children to which he said he didn't have an attraction to children and he had this conversation with this person because there was no one else to talk to. It happened the one time and he didn't even like it. They said his search history and everything else he looked at had no children in it and that he had not been seeking out child porn or to communicate with children. They said he'd never spoken to anyone underage other than the police officer.
He said he feels better because he was worried that he had been speaking to people who were underage without knowing and that since he can't even remember most conversations, he is glad that was not the case. He said he feels awful that in the 16 years he's been watching porn (since he was 10) and talking to people, he can't believe this one conversation and stupidity has destroyed his life and our marriage.
They've now said it's off to the CPS to decide. I don't even know what to think. I didn't know how I thought today would go but I didn't think this would be it. It somehow feels worse knowing it was a police officer he was talking to.
Northern lass
Our lives have been turned upside down since the knock on the door.
We had just got married 19 days before .
He was arrested for a conversation with allegedly 13 yr old girl in a chat room for over 18 . We found out this was a police decoy . He has told me initially the person said they were much older and later said they were 13. He admits he made one sexual comment but does not have any sexual desire towards children. I am devastated .
He has been bailed and his phone taken away
he was told it could take upto 18 months before they get the info back from his phone
All of his grown up children refuse to see him as some have children and his bail says no contact with grandchildren with out supervised by another adult.
My children from previous marriage wont speak to him and Ive been told if I have him back they'll never speak to me again.
So he is staying in b&b its all still very raw as it only happend 2 weeks ago .
I was very hurt and angry but having calmed down I do believe he is telling me the truth and that his phone has nothing on it related to children photographs or other conversations other than this one conversation. He saysxhechas never done this before and is very ashamed of his actions.
It has been so helpful reading everyone elses situations .
I feel so low, newly married then this happening I feel both our lives have been ruined . We are from a small village and everyone is talking its awful.
Our lives have been turned upside down since the knock on the door.
We had just got married 19 days before .
He was arrested for a conversation with allegedly 13 yr old girl in a chat room for over 18 . We found out this was a police decoy . He has told me initially the person said they were much older and later said they were 13. He admits he made one sexual comment but does not have any sexual desire towards children. I am devastated .
He has been bailed and his phone taken away
he was told it could take upto 18 months before they get the info back from his phone
All of his grown up children refuse to see him as some have children and his bail says no contact with grandchildren with out supervised by another adult.
My children from previous marriage wont speak to him and Ive been told if I have him back they'll never speak to me again.
So he is staying in b&b its all still very raw as it only happend 2 weeks ago .
I was very hurt and angry but having calmed down I do believe he is telling me the truth and that his phone has nothing on it related to children photographs or other conversations other than this one conversation. He saysxhechas never done this before and is very ashamed of his actions.
It has been so helpful reading everyone elses situations .
I feel so low, newly married then this happening I feel both our lives have been ruined . We are from a small village and everyone is talking its awful.
Really sorry you find yourself here. We were told 1 month for phone to be downloaded by the OIC but solicitor insists it will be closer to 18 months. Doesn't help if they are setting unrealistic expectations when people have to plan for the future.
BaffledB I too am baffled!
Husband has admitted to talking to women via Snapchat, one of whom turned out to be underage. We've not been told if this was a real person or a decoy but the more I read the more I wonder if it was.
My husband is going through absolute hell and yes - he shouldn't have been speaking like that to ANYONE online but he was in an extremely depressed state at the time, suffering from very low self esteem and anxiety (and hiding it from all who knew him). I guess these conversations were his escape.
In his interview the police even tried to suggest that a UK holiday which I had booked last year was an attempt to get nearer to this person!!! We literally went away the day after the last conversation. The holiday had been booked for more than 6 months.
The more I think about it - why would a child instigate a conversation with a 60 year old man who didn't pretend to be anything else? He used his own photo and name.
I don't know what was said in the 3 conversations, over the course of 3 days in July, but the police have screenshots of the whole thing which in itself makes me suspicious that it was a decoy.
I'm not condoning what my husband did - he should have exercised some self control even if he wasn't thinking straight at the time, but I can see that if he were bombarded with questions, how this could have affected his responses. He did tell me he had deleted the app several times but always gone back when he was at his lowest.
He attempted to take his life 5 days after the knock. My heart breaks for him, to feel that low and ashamed that he wanted to end it (for me as much for himself, so he didn't have to put me and the family through whatever was to come).
And so we wait for the outcome of the investigation which could be months away, if not years. Just trying to hold it together
Husband has admitted to talking to women via Snapchat, one of whom turned out to be underage. We've not been told if this was a real person or a decoy but the more I read the more I wonder if it was.
My husband is going through absolute hell and yes - he shouldn't have been speaking like that to ANYONE online but he was in an extremely depressed state at the time, suffering from very low self esteem and anxiety (and hiding it from all who knew him). I guess these conversations were his escape.
In his interview the police even tried to suggest that a UK holiday which I had booked last year was an attempt to get nearer to this person!!! We literally went away the day after the last conversation. The holiday had been booked for more than 6 months.
The more I think about it - why would a child instigate a conversation with a 60 year old man who didn't pretend to be anything else? He used his own photo and name.
I don't know what was said in the 3 conversations, over the course of 3 days in July, but the police have screenshots of the whole thing which in itself makes me suspicious that it was a decoy.
I'm not condoning what my husband did - he should have exercised some self control even if he wasn't thinking straight at the time, but I can see that if he were bombarded with questions, how this could have affected his responses. He did tell me he had deleted the app several times but always gone back when he was at his lowest.
He attempted to take his life 5 days after the knock. My heart breaks for him, to feel that low and ashamed that he wanted to end it (for me as much for himself, so he didn't have to put me and the family through whatever was to come).
And so we wait for the outcome of the investigation which could be months away, if not years. Just trying to hold it together