Please! Please can someone help me!
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Monday 4th April at 7.30 I got 'the knock' - my partner of 3 years, father of our 8 month old daughter was arrested. For 3 hours they took all of our devices.
I had to wait until 5.30pm that same day until I could speak to him to actually find out what the hell is going on!! He told me he has a porn addiction and was watching legal porn and in the comments someone said something along the lines "if you want to watch more porn like this, download this app" it was kik.
last November he was in this app - he saw images of children but never contacted police, just scrolled through looking for adult legal porn .. something different to what he could find on normal websites. He should've contacted the police but didn't. He was in a spiral. Anyway, to stay within this app and not get kicked he had to forward links and he had no idea that 26 of the links contained indecent images of children.
im shocked, I'm stunned. He's an accountant, we have a mortgage, we were planning our wedding! Our life was perfect and by the snap of our fingers it's all shattered around us.
he is innocent, I don't think he is I know he is! I am not in denial this is not him. His head is very much screwed on he just made a stupid stupid mistake!
but my god, SS are involved which kills me I am a good mother and never in a million years thought I'd ever have them involved with anything! But they told me it's CAT A, B and C.
He's under investigation for distribution.
Can anyone help me!? I've got severe post partum depression I'm on such strong Anti-Deppresants this is the icing on top of the cake for me! It's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last before I sleep! Which I barely do anyway! Nor eat!
i am sick to my stomach of this waiting and not knowing please can someone help me shed some light? What's going to happen? Is he going to prison? I honestly can't cope AT ALL!
I had to wait until 5.30pm that same day until I could speak to him to actually find out what the hell is going on!! He told me he has a porn addiction and was watching legal porn and in the comments someone said something along the lines "if you want to watch more porn like this, download this app" it was kik.
last November he was in this app - he saw images of children but never contacted police, just scrolled through looking for adult legal porn .. something different to what he could find on normal websites. He should've contacted the police but didn't. He was in a spiral. Anyway, to stay within this app and not get kicked he had to forward links and he had no idea that 26 of the links contained indecent images of children.
im shocked, I'm stunned. He's an accountant, we have a mortgage, we were planning our wedding! Our life was perfect and by the snap of our fingers it's all shattered around us.
he is innocent, I don't think he is I know he is! I am not in denial this is not him. His head is very much screwed on he just made a stupid stupid mistake!
but my god, SS are involved which kills me I am a good mother and never in a million years thought I'd ever have them involved with anything! But they told me it's CAT A, B and C.
He's under investigation for distribution.
Can anyone help me!? I've got severe post partum depression I'm on such strong Anti-Deppresants this is the icing on top of the cake for me! It's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last before I sleep! Which I barely do anyway! Nor eat!
i am sick to my stomach of this waiting and not knowing please can someone help me shed some light? What's going to happen? Is he going to prison? I honestly can't cope AT ALL!
Forgot to add! He deleted the app within a month. He is also paying for porn addiction help - he is a good man, he knows he has done wrong and is absolutely mortified but please can someone who's gone through similar help?
Hey Petrified,
I'm so sorry you find yourself here. The first few weeks are surreal and excrutiatingly painful but it does get easier. I don't have kids so can't imagine how awful it is having SS involved too. I am similar to yourself in that my partner hasn't purposely sought anything illegal and my problem is a communication charge. Has your partner said anything in interview or was it a no comment interview? My partner's alleged offence also took place on Kik and I believe that once the app has been deleted (and the account deleted) that forensics cannot recover things from the app. However, if there were links within the chats then this will probably show in the browser history and maybe clicking on images or videos could show a trace on the actual phone's memory. My partner was also tried to be charged with 3 extreme porn vids which were sent unsolicited in a group chat on Whatsapp from his friends - the forensics report shows he hasn't viewed them so this gives you an idea of what they can actually see with their report.
My advice to you would be to try and keep calm and try to push this to the back of your mind. Seek advice for how to deal with SS from the Family and Children section of this forum too. It will be a few months at least before the devices are checked. I would also reiterate to your partner the importance of being totally honest and upfront with you - I say this because there are occaisions where partners diminish what they've actually done and then it's like a bomb has gone off when the evidence comes through.
Have you got friends and family to support you or are you keeping it to yourself? I've managed a whole year with the weight of this on myself and it's very hard but this forum is a lifesaver. Please keep coming here for advice and help xx
I'm so sorry you find yourself here. The first few weeks are surreal and excrutiatingly painful but it does get easier. I don't have kids so can't imagine how awful it is having SS involved too. I am similar to yourself in that my partner hasn't purposely sought anything illegal and my problem is a communication charge. Has your partner said anything in interview or was it a no comment interview? My partner's alleged offence also took place on Kik and I believe that once the app has been deleted (and the account deleted) that forensics cannot recover things from the app. However, if there were links within the chats then this will probably show in the browser history and maybe clicking on images or videos could show a trace on the actual phone's memory. My partner was also tried to be charged with 3 extreme porn vids which were sent unsolicited in a group chat on Whatsapp from his friends - the forensics report shows he hasn't viewed them so this gives you an idea of what they can actually see with their report.
My advice to you would be to try and keep calm and try to push this to the back of your mind. Seek advice for how to deal with SS from the Family and Children section of this forum too. It will be a few months at least before the devices are checked. I would also reiterate to your partner the importance of being totally honest and upfront with you - I say this because there are occaisions where partners diminish what they've actually done and then it's like a bomb has gone off when the evidence comes through.
Have you got friends and family to support you or are you keeping it to yourself? I've managed a whole year with the weight of this on myself and it's very hard but this forum is a lifesaver. Please keep coming here for advice and help xx
Just reading this brought back all the fear I was feeling when my son got the knock. I thought I'd rather die than live everyday with the fear of what would happen. All I can say now 6 months later is that the anxiety and fear does get less. It's in my head all the time but I can cope better with it. We have heard nothing from the police since the initial knock and have not had the devices back, so be prepared for months of nothing happening. We are here for you so vent whenever you need to xx
I rarely come on this forum anymore as my partners sentencing was at the end of last year but I just want to reassure you that it can get better! He got a suspended sentence and thousands of images in all categories. We're on the other side, still in a mortgaged house, he still works in the same field, still comfortable financially. We're planning our wedding and life is very much normal! He has horizon twice a week and a 5 minute chat to the probation officer once every 2 weeks (goes into the office once a month on his way to work and the other meeting is a quick telephone call in his break). Other than that, life is no different! We don't have the complications of children yet so I can't help on that aspect. But just take one step at a time and be mindful of who you tell is my advice as once they know that's it. Make sure you have emotional support, someone who you trust, even if that's a professional therapist for now until you get over the shock. Big hugs xxx
Hi Petrified sorry you're here too.
You're in for the long haul, so start by getting you both some counselling (contact stop so) and call the stop it now line.
please keep an open mind about offences and seek legal advice. If evidence has been found from devices, and he pleads not guilty there will be a trial.
My solicitor and therapist advised not to tell anyone but I have confided In a few people I trusted.
Have a look at safety plans, and keep a record of all work he is doing for addiction and you could maybe do some safeguarding course.
take each day as it comes as its forever changing and everyone's circumstances are different. Stay strong and get ready for a fight x
You're in for the long haul, so start by getting you both some counselling (contact stop so) and call the stop it now line.
please keep an open mind about offences and seek legal advice. If evidence has been found from devices, and he pleads not guilty there will be a trial.
My solicitor and therapist advised not to tell anyone but I have confided In a few people I trusted.
Have a look at safety plans, and keep a record of all work he is doing for addiction and you could maybe do some safeguarding course.
take each day as it comes as its forever changing and everyone's circumstances are different. Stay strong and get ready for a fight x
Hi petrifiedmom
Sorry to hear about your situation but rest assured if it helps although you will currently feel very isolated, this forum will help you to realise you are most definitely not alone.
I can appreciate your situation myself and my partner had planned and had to cancel our wedding. Also have a small child so SS are involved.
The worst part for me is the unknown, Firstly when this first happens you are filled with every emotion going and they seem to constantly race through your head. Don't beat yourself up over your thoughts and opinions on the situation changing daily, it's a huge shock and it will take a long time to process what's happening. But you are at the start of what will likely be a very long process despite this being an allegation which shatters people's lives the process has no urgency ( I believe because of the amount of arrests happening weekly fir this type of offence).
Be cautious who you confide in you are motivated by love and shock whereas others around may take a different outlook on the circumstances and their opinions will add to your already life shattering experience. However that being said make sure you are confiding in someone consider a referral via your GP to support your own mental health especially given you hae advised you are already struggling.
As the others have said things will get easier however that will take a very long time and is a very very slow process. Your normal will no doubt not be the same as you have had before nor will it be as you envisioned or planned. But that said it doesn't mean it has to be all doom and gloom.
Most important thing right now is to look after yourself to ensure you are looking after your child. Your partner has done wrong...whether this was an accident or intentional however it will often feel like we are the ones picking up the pieces and suffering the consequences. You are not alone but please access support!
This forum will offer positive and negative support- everyone on here will offer open and honest opinions and their own personal situations which sometimes can be very reassuring and needed, but other times can be very daunting and uncomfortable to read. But take comfort that everyone's situation is different, everyone's circumstances are different, everyone's opinions feelings and outlook will differ and as a result everyone's outcome however similar they may appear throughout the process will differ massively. Try not to plan and focus touch right now on the distant future just concentrate on the here now and managing through that.
SS are one of the worst parts of this they appear to control and impact on lives more that the case itself! However remember they have a job to do where possible try to work with them it may help your relationship with them moving forward. Try to keep an open outlook it isnt but will feel personal at times, make sure you show an awareness and understanding of the "risk" and harm of the situation (which is very difficult to think of your partner in that way but it will help to reassure SS that ypu are not "blind to the severity of the situation and acting out of love" that doesn't mean you have to abandon or "hate" your partner but you need to show an awareness that his actions were wrong-regardless how you feel) unfortunately SS often have a strict policy in this type of situation and can be a very black and white outlook which can be frustrating and difficult to accept.
Sending lots of love and positive thoughts it is hard but as you will see it is manageable from others on here. Don't suffer in silence though as you are definitely not alone!
Sorry to hear about your situation but rest assured if it helps although you will currently feel very isolated, this forum will help you to realise you are most definitely not alone.
I can appreciate your situation myself and my partner had planned and had to cancel our wedding. Also have a small child so SS are involved.
The worst part for me is the unknown, Firstly when this first happens you are filled with every emotion going and they seem to constantly race through your head. Don't beat yourself up over your thoughts and opinions on the situation changing daily, it's a huge shock and it will take a long time to process what's happening. But you are at the start of what will likely be a very long process despite this being an allegation which shatters people's lives the process has no urgency ( I believe because of the amount of arrests happening weekly fir this type of offence).
Be cautious who you confide in you are motivated by love and shock whereas others around may take a different outlook on the circumstances and their opinions will add to your already life shattering experience. However that being said make sure you are confiding in someone consider a referral via your GP to support your own mental health especially given you hae advised you are already struggling.
As the others have said things will get easier however that will take a very long time and is a very very slow process. Your normal will no doubt not be the same as you have had before nor will it be as you envisioned or planned. But that said it doesn't mean it has to be all doom and gloom.
Most important thing right now is to look after yourself to ensure you are looking after your child. Your partner has done wrong...whether this was an accident or intentional however it will often feel like we are the ones picking up the pieces and suffering the consequences. You are not alone but please access support!
This forum will offer positive and negative support- everyone on here will offer open and honest opinions and their own personal situations which sometimes can be very reassuring and needed, but other times can be very daunting and uncomfortable to read. But take comfort that everyone's situation is different, everyone's circumstances are different, everyone's opinions feelings and outlook will differ and as a result everyone's outcome however similar they may appear throughout the process will differ massively. Try not to plan and focus touch right now on the distant future just concentrate on the here now and managing through that.
SS are one of the worst parts of this they appear to control and impact on lives more that the case itself! However remember they have a job to do where possible try to work with them it may help your relationship with them moving forward. Try to keep an open outlook it isnt but will feel personal at times, make sure you show an awareness and understanding of the "risk" and harm of the situation (which is very difficult to think of your partner in that way but it will help to reassure SS that ypu are not "blind to the severity of the situation and acting out of love" that doesn't mean you have to abandon or "hate" your partner but you need to show an awareness that his actions were wrong-regardless how you feel) unfortunately SS often have a strict policy in this type of situation and can be a very black and white outlook which can be frustrating and difficult to accept.
Sending lots of love and positive thoughts it is hard but as you will see it is manageable from others on here. Don't suffer in silence though as you are definitely not alone!
Hi petrifiedmom
Sorry to hear about your situation but rest assured if it helps although you will currently feel very isolated, this forum will help you to realise you are most definitely not alone.
I can appreciate your situation myself and my partner had planned and had to cancel our wedding. Also have a small child so SS are involved.
The worst part for me is the unknown, Firstly when this first happens you are filled with every emotion going and they seem to constantly race through your head. Don't beat yourself up over your thoughts and opinions on the situation changing daily, it's a huge shock and it will take a long time to process what's happening. But you are at the start of what will likely be a very long process despite this being an allegation which shatters people's lives the process has no urgency ( I believe because of the amount of arrests happening weekly fir this type of offence).
Be cautious who you confide in you are motivated by love and shock whereas others around may take a different outlook on the circumstances and their opinions will add to your already life shattering experience. However that being said make sure you are confiding in someone consider a referral via your GP to support your own mental health especially given you hae advised you are already struggling.
As the others have said things will get easier however that will take a very long time and is a very very slow process. Your normal will no doubt not be the same as you have had before nor will it be as you envisioned or planned. But that said it doesn't mean it has to be all doom and gloom.
Most important thing right now is to look after yourself to ensure you are looking after your child. Your partner has done wrong...whether this was an accident or intentional however it will often feel like we are the ones picking up the pieces and suffering the consequences. You are not alone but please access support!
This forum will offer positive and negative support- everyone on here will offer open and honest opinions and their own personal situations which sometimes can be very reassuring and needed, but other times can be very daunting and uncomfortable to read. But take comfort that everyone's situation is different, everyone's circumstances are different, everyone's opinions feelings and outlook will differ and as a result everyone's outcome however similar they may appear throughout the process will differ massively. Try not to plan and focus touch right now on the distant future just concentrate on the here now and managing through that.
SS are one of the worst parts of this they appear to control and impact on lives more that the case itself! However remember they have a job to do where possible try to work with them it may help your relationship with them moving forward. Try to keep an open outlook it isnt but will feel personal at times, make sure you show an awareness and understanding of the "risk" and harm of the situation (which is very difficult to think of your partner in that way but it will help to reassure SS that ypu are not "blind to the severity of the situation and acting out of love" that doesn't mean you have to abandon or "hate" your partner but you need to show an awareness that his actions were wrong-regardless how you feel) unfortunately SS often have a strict policy in this type of situation and can be a very black and white outlook which can be frustrating and difficult to accept.
Sending lots of love and positive thoughts it is hard but as you will see it is manageable from others on here. Don't suffer in silence though as you are definitely not alone!
Sorry to hear about your situation but rest assured if it helps although you will currently feel very isolated, this forum will help you to realise you are most definitely not alone.
I can appreciate your situation myself and my partner had planned and had to cancel our wedding. Also have a small child so SS are involved.
The worst part for me is the unknown, Firstly when this first happens you are filled with every emotion going and they seem to constantly race through your head. Don't beat yourself up over your thoughts and opinions on the situation changing daily, it's a huge shock and it will take a long time to process what's happening. But you are at the start of what will likely be a very long process despite this being an allegation which shatters people's lives the process has no urgency ( I believe because of the amount of arrests happening weekly fir this type of offence).
Be cautious who you confide in you are motivated by love and shock whereas others around may take a different outlook on the circumstances and their opinions will add to your already life shattering experience. However that being said make sure you are confiding in someone consider a referral via your GP to support your own mental health especially given you hae advised you are already struggling.
As the others have said things will get easier however that will take a very long time and is a very very slow process. Your normal will no doubt not be the same as you have had before nor will it be as you envisioned or planned. But that said it doesn't mean it has to be all doom and gloom.
Most important thing right now is to look after yourself to ensure you are looking after your child. Your partner has done wrong...whether this was an accident or intentional however it will often feel like we are the ones picking up the pieces and suffering the consequences. You are not alone but please access support!
This forum will offer positive and negative support- everyone on here will offer open and honest opinions and their own personal situations which sometimes can be very reassuring and needed, but other times can be very daunting and uncomfortable to read. But take comfort that everyone's situation is different, everyone's circumstances are different, everyone's opinions feelings and outlook will differ and as a result everyone's outcome however similar they may appear throughout the process will differ massively. Try not to plan and focus touch right now on the distant future just concentrate on the here now and managing through that.
SS are one of the worst parts of this they appear to control and impact on lives more that the case itself! However remember they have a job to do where possible try to work with them it may help your relationship with them moving forward. Try to keep an open outlook it isnt but will feel personal at times, make sure you show an awareness and understanding of the "risk" and harm of the situation (which is very difficult to think of your partner in that way but it will help to reassure SS that ypu are not "blind to the severity of the situation and acting out of love" that doesn't mean you have to abandon or "hate" your partner but you need to show an awareness that his actions were wrong-regardless how you feel) unfortunately SS often have a strict policy in this type of situation and can be a very black and white outlook which can be frustrating and difficult to accept.
Sending lots of love and positive thoughts it is hard but as you will see it is manageable from others on here. Don't suffer in silence though as you are definitely not alone!
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I could have written this myself. Nearly one year on, this was me.
About the process: now the items have been confiscated, they will be taken to be analysed. This is the process that takes ages, I had the knock the 9th of June 21, and I wasn't until faily recently that they finished. He should have got bailed (or RUI) and will stay that way until all devises have been scanned and processed.
After that, the police will release the evidence to CPC, who will then determine if this is a case for the Magisters Court or the Crown Court.
As for Social Services, after few visits they will determine if you and your LO are deemed for a child protection plan or a child in need plan. You will be assigned on social worker that will work with you and will check if you have support, how able are you to take care of your LO alone, etc. And here is where your head will need to be as cold as possible: try to think as a single mum. You're not, but they are looking at *you* and what would you do alone in case your partner was not able to be with you, as he most probably isn't. So draw all the childcare arrangements, look for as many baby groups in your area so you look like you're socialising, take your baby out, etc. Be over the top mum.
What have saved my sanity these days is love bombing my kids, tons and tons of self care, therapy, tablets, exercise. Anything that you can take for your wellbeing TAKE IT, even if it looks daft.
Big big hugs mama x
About the process: now the items have been confiscated, they will be taken to be analysed. This is the process that takes ages, I had the knock the 9th of June 21, and I wasn't until faily recently that they finished. He should have got bailed (or RUI) and will stay that way until all devises have been scanned and processed.
After that, the police will release the evidence to CPC, who will then determine if this is a case for the Magisters Court or the Crown Court.
As for Social Services, after few visits they will determine if you and your LO are deemed for a child protection plan or a child in need plan. You will be assigned on social worker that will work with you and will check if you have support, how able are you to take care of your LO alone, etc. And here is where your head will need to be as cold as possible: try to think as a single mum. You're not, but they are looking at *you* and what would you do alone in case your partner was not able to be with you, as he most probably isn't. So draw all the childcare arrangements, look for as many baby groups in your area so you look like you're socialising, take your baby out, etc. Be over the top mum.
What have saved my sanity these days is love bombing my kids, tons and tons of self care, therapy, tablets, exercise. Anything that you can take for your wellbeing TAKE IT, even if it looks daft.
Big big hugs mama x
Thank you so much to all of you wonderful ladies for taking time out of your day with your messages! I massively appreciate it! Xx
just had SS over today and they said I am low on their radar and may not need to see me again which is great news! It's the just the unknown now, I'm scared it'll go to court and all his friends find out, work etc.
my partner is extremely suicidal as am I but just trying to be positive just want to know what's going to happen so can deal with it!
i hope you all have a lovely Easter weekend and again, thank you for all of your replies! I'd reply to you all individually but I don't know how lol! Xx
just had SS over today and they said I am low on their radar and may not need to see me again which is great news! It's the just the unknown now, I'm scared it'll go to court and all his friends find out, work etc.
my partner is extremely suicidal as am I but just trying to be positive just want to know what's going to happen so can deal with it!
i hope you all have a lovely Easter weekend and again, thank you for all of your replies! I'd reply to you all individually but I don't know how lol! Xx
PetrifiedMum,
Glad your visit with SS was a bit of reassurance for you. This is a very tough battle but together you can get through it!
My partner's knock was March 2021, he's been to magistrates and crown to enter a not guilty plea so now we are awaiting trial but in the last court meeting the prosecution didn't have the evidence available to prove the accounts belong to my partner (because they don't) so now we're waiting for the deadline for them to provide and continue on the next steps to fight against this because he hasn't done anything wrong. We haven't stressed or worried about this for a while and live our lives as normal, of course there is a part of us which worry that it may go the wrong way at a trial and he ends up in jail but if that happens then we'll just have to deal with it, there's no point in starting our sentence now! There's positive stories on here and there's unlucky ones, it's almost like a lucky dip on which one we'll be. Look after each other, support each other and if you need further support please reach out to your GP or the helpline here. Whatever happens you can overcome it.
Also, in regards to people finding out - nothing has been printed in the press so far and nobody at all knows. The Police called my partner's work at the start but he has a different job now. If it ends up in the press at a later date I plan to totally ignore it and if anyone asks me I will tell them the truth - he hasn't done anything wrong and it's an injustice we will be fighting against.
Have a lovely Easter xx
Glad your visit with SS was a bit of reassurance for you. This is a very tough battle but together you can get through it!
My partner's knock was March 2021, he's been to magistrates and crown to enter a not guilty plea so now we are awaiting trial but in the last court meeting the prosecution didn't have the evidence available to prove the accounts belong to my partner (because they don't) so now we're waiting for the deadline for them to provide and continue on the next steps to fight against this because he hasn't done anything wrong. We haven't stressed or worried about this for a while and live our lives as normal, of course there is a part of us which worry that it may go the wrong way at a trial and he ends up in jail but if that happens then we'll just have to deal with it, there's no point in starting our sentence now! There's positive stories on here and there's unlucky ones, it's almost like a lucky dip on which one we'll be. Look after each other, support each other and if you need further support please reach out to your GP or the helpline here. Whatever happens you can overcome it.
Also, in regards to people finding out - nothing has been printed in the press so far and nobody at all knows. The Police called my partner's work at the start but he has a different job now. If it ends up in the press at a later date I plan to totally ignore it and if anyone asks me I will tell them the truth - he hasn't done anything wrong and it's an injustice we will be fighting against.
Have a lovely Easter xx
Hi PetrifiedMum,
Youre in such a similar possition to me with a baby etc! Just wondering how you're getting on as I don't think I've seen you post anywhere else? :)
Youre in such a similar possition to me with a baby etc! Just wondering how you're getting on as I don't think I've seen you post anywhere else? :)
Hi Gardener93
Sorry it's taken me a while to get back to you! If I'm quite honest I've been absolute shite.. really struggling, my partners bail has been extended a third time to January, we live together again but he can't be alone with our daughter which makes life difficult! I'm back at work so have a slight normality but still struggle with my mental health. I just hope come January that is it because if it gets extended again my god I won't cope!
i am sorry you're here, how are you? How is your little one I'm always here for a chat xx
Sorry it's taken me a while to get back to you! If I'm quite honest I've been absolute shite.. really struggling, my partners bail has been extended a third time to January, we live together again but he can't be alone with our daughter which makes life difficult! I'm back at work so have a slight normality but still struggle with my mental health. I just hope come January that is it because if it gets extended again my god I won't cope!
i am sorry you're here, how are you? How is your little one I'm always here for a chat xx
Hi PetrifiedMum,
I don't know if you're still posting on here but your story is exactly the same as mine.
How has everything turned out?
I don't know if you're still posting on here but your story is exactly the same as mine.
How has everything turned out?
Hi PurpleRain,
I'm sorry to hear that, I hope you're ok ??
this happened back in April and our current situation is his bail has been extended for a 2nd time until January we got one electrical item back which was my computer as needed it for work but they still have everything else.
Hopefully come January his bail does not get extended again x
I'm sorry to hear that, I hope you're ok ??
this happened back in April and our current situation is his bail has been extended for a 2nd time until January we got one electrical item back which was my computer as needed it for work but they still have everything else.
Hopefully come January his bail does not get extended again x