Family and Friends Forum

Last week my partner (ex partner... I don't know what he is) was sentenced to 40 months. Emotionally I don't know how I feel. The newspaper reports make him sounds like a monster. I know they will sensationalise the facts, but it does seem that he wasn't as open and honest as he could have been, realistically I don't think I'll ever know the truth and even if I did, the route and reason why he came to commit the offence is more important for me to understand than the detail of the offence itself. Ultimately I think I feel a mix of anger that hasn't been as honest as he could have been and he let me enter this relationship and build the hopes and dreams when he knew this was hanging over him, but overwhelmingly I think I feel sad. He was brought into the world by a family that didn't want him, given away illegally at just a couple of days old to a unknown family, he was a child genius and I suspect neuro diverse, just like other addicts he found a path that allowed him to self sooth, lead the life he has and that led to this offence. His issue run deeper than this offence. I haven't yet been able to engage in the loss that this has meant for me and us and the sadness I feel for myself - That feels too much right now.

I don't know what it means for our relationship and I feel comfortable in not knowing. I will be there to support him as a friend and time will tell the rest.

I know there are some people facing similar charges and sadly there will be new comers that will do just as I did and trawl the site looking for a cases to help them second guess the outcome for their loved ones. Here is the summary.

He had one charge of attempting to incite sexual activity with a child. The range was 3 to 9 years. He had a conversation with another adult about their child. The adult was a police decoy. He was initially charged with a slight move severe charge but this was challenged by his defence bringing the range down from 4 to 10 years. He accepted the lesser charge at a goodyear hearing (a goodyear hearing is where the judge provides a indication as to the sentence they'd pass, I think the highest - The defendant can then decide whether to continue to trial or accept the lower charge). Realistically I don't think that would have made much a difference as he only got a 15% reduction for his guilty plea because it happened so late. The judge also refused to provide a indication at the hearing.

There were no specific arrangements to meet, but meeting had been discussed.

Other than no previous convictions he had no mitigating circumstances. He had sex addiction therapy, but only started this after the charges were brought to him, so 4 months worth.

He chose not to do a personal statement or and character references - His legal team didn't suggest them and he wanted to take their advise.

The PSR marked him as very low risk, but other than that wasn't particularly powerful either good to bad.

3 years seemed like the best possible outcome he could have recieved, so although it's a long time there is nothing to fight and I don't know if he'd have received less if he'd started therapy earlier or got together supporting documents. He has indefinite SOR and SHPO. This and the stigma he'll face seems worse than the sentence.

I want to thank everyone that has listened, responded, provided an ear, advise or information along the way. And to everyone that has posted and shared their story and vulnerabilities along the way, sometimes just knowing I wasn't the only one feel a certain way has been comforting.

I'm sure I will be back as I initially navigate doing what I can to help him and as I try to get my life back on track.

Tabs, the compassionate way you have approached the situation with your ex has inspired me to think it doesn't need to be such a defined line, in or out. He was part of my life, we had some wonderful times together, he needs help and support, just as I wouldn't abandon him if he was a alcoholic, I don't think abandoning him now would do either of us any good.

Pregnantandscared each case is so different. My partners was 2B but because of the age of the "child" being under 13 the sentencing is significantly more severe. I wish your and your partner the best possible outcome next week.

Help Me - I'm so sorry you are here and having to ask that question.

My person had a discussion with another adult about their child. The other adult was a decoy police officer and thankfully the child not real. He was initially charged with Attempting to arrange / Arranging or facilitating the commission of a child sex offence. He stands by that he thought it was role play. On review of the evidence his barrister felt that there was a case to argue with a not guilty plea, not a strong one but not hopeless. He never denied the conversation, just denied any intent behind. He pleaded not guilty at magistrates and his barrister worked with the CPS, using the evidence to try to get a lower charge, this worked to an extent but only marginally - The original charge was replaced with Attempting to cause or incite a child to engage in sexual activity. There was very little difference in the sentencing guidelines for it but the new charge takes into consideration he didn't arrange to meet and there wasn't arrangements to meet.

A significant factor in ther cases is age. If the child in question is under 13 the sentencing is much more severe.

If there are any questions, anything I can help with, please let me know. I know if found it very difficult as my person's case involved talking to a adult, not a child, which seems quite rare and I think brings with it some unique factors both legally and emotionally.

The child was under 13.

He received 40 months, he'll serve half of that inside.

Prior to sentencing, I was expecting 36 months. Now on reflection and seeing other outcomes, it seems severe.

I don't think his legal team really did everything they could have and whilst lots of things were suggested on here, he wanted to take his legal teams advise and my world had fallen apart and didn't feel in a place to be pragmatic or forceful.

Whilst they found no other evidence to suggest this was a recurrent sexual interest (no images, no other conversations). They found many conversations with other adults about other taboo and unsavoury things - None of which were illegal and rightly or wrongly I think he sentence was more severe because of this.

The conversation happened on a legal sexual fetish and BDSM site, one of which many professionals (porn stars, professional doms) n the industry use to profile themselves, more of a lifestyle forum than anything underground..


The last few paragraphs are aimed to ease your mind, as I say - My person case seems to have come with one of the most severe outcomes.

Is just over 5 months since my person was sentenced to 20 months in prision. In my head I've broken it down into 4 x 5 month stretches. I thought I'd do an update to the thread every 5 months, both therapeutically and because I know there will be other people coming along this journey behind me and there are so few updated post custodial sentences. I've been mulling over the last 5 months and how I feel, thinking I might be able to summaries it as one state, but the truth is the last 5 months had been a mix of many thing and how I feel still changes day by day, which is an improvement on hour by hour but that still happens. Realistically if I decide to stay, I think it will be many years before I truly feel settled.



The first days and weeks were very hard. I'd started to process some of the grief, betrayal and the offence. There was still so much I didn't know or understand and I was left trying to find out the full truth via letter and visits (for those of you not familiar, we started our relationship after the offence but he didn't tell me he was under investigation so it came as a huge shock and I therefore had very little time to come to terms with what he'd done, our lives changing, dreams lost etc and him going to prison imminently) He wasn't in a good way and I found myself having to balance my needs with concerns for his mental wellbeing. It was obviously a huge adjustment for him, there was lots to learn about the routine, what happens when, how and why. Many things that should have happened as part of the process of being a new prisoner didn't happen or did but well beyond the timeframe they are meant to. I worried about him a huge amount. He's never felt unsafe, so I've never had to worry about that but it was hard to imagine the man that had a good life, ambitions, goals, hobbies and interests stuck in a cell for 23 hours a day. I had to stop thinking about it, for my own wellbeing and to be able to continue to support him.



Slowly and bit by bit things started to progress for him. He could get books from the library, go to the gym, yard time and domestic were cancelled less. Then he got work for a half day for 4 days a week. I somehow managed to get a handle on my life for a bit and started to feel stronger. I think this coincided with me also deciding to stop questioning whether we were a "couple" and decided that for now we were and I was supporting him, this stopped a almost daily battle with myself trying to find an answer and allowed me to support him in ways I felt comfortable.



Things gradually improved for him, he was eventually given enhanced status (although much later than he should have because everything in prison is just so slow and unorganised). With that he could spend more on the canteen, go to the gym more. He was given rehabilitative work. He was moved to full time work and has become a mentor. It looks like he'll be able to continue his studies he was already doing before sentencing. And finally some personal financial affairs were resolved outside. He'd worked out the system - How to get thing moving. It seems persistent and perseverance is needed if you are going to help your cause.



I in the mean took a nose dive. Carrying the burden of worrying about all the things we were waiting to happen in prison, his personal affairs, keeping the whole thing a secret, processing the betrayal and the offence started to take its toll on me. I am the only person he's in contact with (he didn't have a wide circle of friends or family and he decided he'd not tell them and assumed they'd want nothing to do with him) I sunk into a very low place. Getting through the day or the things I needed to, to keep up appearances but ultimately coming home to bed, exhausted, anxious and completely lost. I felt like I was skating on ice with no idea where I was going and at any point in time I'd fall or the ice would break beneath me. I'm aware I'm in a relatively fortunate situation, financially independent from him and no children, my heart goes out to pretty much everyone else in this forum who's situation are much harder than the one I'm in. It's so incredible lonely. Even small things like making sure I can't leave any trace of his letters in my home just in case a friend drops by, constantly not being at ease in having conversations just incase I mention his name or where he is (friends just think we broke up). Friends have been very, very good, but ultimately there advise over the "break up" isn't helpful because that's not the true situation, so I find avoiding some friends and I'm not really sure our friendships will recover. I hate lying or at least not being honest.



He's over 3 hours away so visits pretty much take all day. Prisons have introduced a horrible message before the call connects saying "this call is from a prisoner" it makes it particularly hard and stressful to answer calls when I'm with people. All these little thing, add up - The secrets, the time spent travelling, the having to dash for the phone so as not to miss it, taking calls in secret, writting to him and trying to think of ways I can help him pass his time or add a little light to his day.



Right now I'm having a better week. Its a relief he's in a better place and I don't think we could ask for much m more from his time in prison. It might sound daft, but I've made me bed every morning for the last week, I haven't done that since I found out about the charge. I'm starting to see a bit clearer, everything was so clouded with anxiety, worry and lack of direction. Now I'm feeling in a better position to rebuild my life, I realise this week that perhaps one of the reasons I've struggled to do this is not just because of all the things I've mentioned above but that if I did, maybe I wouldn't want him in my life anymore and that brings with it a certain heaviness and guilt. Our relationship will ultimately be very different if we make it. His identity will have changed by the time he's out.



I sometimes feel so angry and carry hatred towards him for putting me in this position, but I'm proud with how he is coping. He's shown resilience but not at the expense of not processing emotions which is what he'd have previously done. I've been going through a rough period with things seperate to this but he's managed to support me even when things have been hard from him. It's a strange kind of team we have at the moment.



I can't say this is doable because I haven't done it all yet and there have been points over the last couple of months where I've felt at breaking point and where getting out of bed and cleaning my teeth and getting through the day at work has been a huge achievement.



There are still so many months ahead, so much to process and lots to discuss. There are things I know I need to do for myself that will help - One of them being stop searching the offence regularly to compare his sentence to others. It does seem both his custodial and SHPO and SOR was severe in comparison to many others I've seen. I will return to counselling in the next few months and seek the support from some of the organisation others on here have mentioned to me. I may also decide to have some time with no contract or at least very reduced contact.

I think we are entering into a bit calm and hopefully things will remain as they are and that the next flurry of activity will be in a year's time when we prepare for his release. If anyone has any experience at what may happen at the end of his "stay" or even information on moving to Cat D or ROTL I'd really appreciate it.



I know some people are interested to know the rehabilitative work that may happen. So far he's only been given 2 programs, they are both self study. One is on De escalation and the other of Victim empathy. He's grateful to have received this, particularly the later as its something he'd started work with a therapist on before he was sentenced and it's something he now recognises he lacks in many scenarios.


I'm other more practical terms, we use the Prison Voicemail app - It allows me to set my phone to not receive calls if I don't want to, I can leave voicemails for him to pick up and he can leave them for me. This gives me much more flexibility in not always having to drop everything when he calls. For example if I'm going to be late back from work I can leave him a message asking him to call later than he normally would. We found out recently we could have a video call a month, I really enjoy these.

As mentioned above, I can't say if it's doable, but 5 months ago I didn't believe I'd have adjusted as well as I now have. It's not easy, it's hard but I'm functioning and starting to see ways forward.

He/we/I are now into the second half of the custodial sentence. 10 months done. 10 months to go. In some ways I feel relieved in others I think - Hell, we've got to do that all again.

For him things have been relatively calm. There have been some slightly negative regime changes at his prison but also some positive ones. Rehabilitation so far is a joke - 2 self study workbooks. My person did say he was able to get something from them - But he's motivated, educated and keen to gain something from his time in prison. He's done lots of extra reading to address the wider issues that led him to where he is but that's been entirely self motivated and sometime he's had to push against the system to enable this. I genuinely thought our taxes paid for more proactive rehabilitation to reduce offending. It makes me want to scream from the roof tops at how broken the system is - For all offenders.

For me I've gone back to counselling and sort medical help from the doctors - I'd been trying to cope using my normal tools but they just weren't working and I think came close to a breakdown over Christmas. I wish I'd done this sooner. The doctor has been amazing and there is so much support I could have used sooner. If you are struggling - Please reach out for support. This is an exceptionally difficult situation to be in, there is no shame it needing help.

We are hoping there will be activity over the next couple of months that will help us prepare for his release. I've still not told anyone other than my parents and 2 close friends, but I think I need to do this over the next couple of months. On my best days I think we can get through this about build a new and happy life, others I wonder what the hell am I doing - I could so easily just walk away and be clear of this and all his baggage. I wonder if telling more people or the reality of him being released and us building a future will bring some clarity. At the moment I'm in a kind of bubble and not a huge amount has changed in my life other than the lost dreams and hopes we'd had of a family and the future we'd hoped to create. And because of that I question whether I'm in denial about the difficulties we may face in the future or unrealistically optimistic about us building a future together.

There are many hard things about having a loved one in prison, but mostly we've worked out a routine and a rhythm that works for both of us and keeps us connected and close - But it's constant work, they have so little to talk about I'm often provided extremely detailed accounts of exactly what he's eaten that day, sometimes down the the exact number of slices of tomatoe that is served with his dinner - It'd very mundane. We can laugh about it, but he's conscious of not boring me and I'm eager to give him space to talk.

I thought if might be useful for others to know how we keep in contact and other things I do to help me and him cope with this situation. I'm aware that I'm able to do a lot, I don't have children or elderly parents so I have the time. I am sharing this more as a insight and perhaps to help others who might be looking for ideas/ navigating through the system.

Prison Voicemail.

For calls we use a combination of Prison Voicemail and call divert. This allows us to leave each other messages. I'm notified when he leaves me one, he dials in twice a day to check messages. You can use it for calls as it is cheaper for them to call as its a landline number, but it becomes very expensive for the person paying for the app. Instead, he calls the voicemail number twice a day at round the same time. If I answer after he's listened to the messages, he calls me back directly via the call divert - See the next paragraph.

Normal Calls/ Call Divert

I have put a call divert on my landline to my mobile. This cost £2.50 a month and around £10 for unlimited calls. This means he only pays for landline calls but is connected to my mobile. If you do this though make sure you get a unlimited call bundle to avoid a huge bill.

The combination of the Prison Voicemail and the call divert gives me freedom, saves him money and avoids the heartache of missing a call.

Video Calls.

We are fortunate that in the prison he's in he can have one video call a month. I treasure these, it's so nice to be in my own home, I can show him his pets and things I've made or been doing. It's so relaxed and in someways feels more intimate for me than the visits in prison.

Prison Visits.

His prison allow quite a lot of visits a month, but we can't take advantage of them because he's 3.5 hours away. I've visited every 3 weeks recently but I won't be able to sustain that for the next 10 months. I've recognised that I need to preserve me if there is to be an us. I'm very fortunate to have met and connected with some other visitors and we've exchanged numbers - The kindness some of these people have shown me I will cherish forever.

Email a Prisoner.

This is a great tool but we don't use that often. We'll send each other practical information or little notes or images every now and then. He has equipment in his cell to read and respond, but there are sometimes delays.

Letters.

This might sound a little daft but it does us both good. We love receiving physical letters in the post from one another, there is something for us that feels extra special. I am looking after some of his pets. I write to him daily from a combination of me and his pets. It's never anything exciting, just little daft things about our day, what we've done, funny things that have happened. The mundane things we'd have perhaps sent to one another in text message. We've projected personalities onto his pets so it's sometimes amusing for both of us writing to and from then.

I do this in the notes section of my phone and once a week print it off with some pictures included. It's often old news by the time he gets it, but because it's mundane and funny things, it's sort of timeless so doesn't matter. I've found this quite therapeutic and has helped me cope with his absence. It's also helped me everyday to see the funnier and lighter side to life and things I'm grateful for.

Photos and Cards.

The prision allows photos from Free Prints and cards from Moonpig. Once a month I send him a selection of photos (a mix of photos of me, his pets, places I've been) and I use Moonpig for cards for special occasions. Every little thing that arrives for him he treasures and brightens his day, it's also a way for me to show my love. I am creative so normally I make things to show my love, so sometimes I'll do a painting or drawing and photograph it and upload it to a card on Moonpig.

Books.

There are various authorised suppliers, so occasionally I'll send him a surprise book that I've seen or that I think has a hobby or craft he'd like to learn and can do in his cell - Crochet, sewing etc.

Counting Down The Days

Although I do have a count down on my phone, I don't check it often, I've found counting months helpful. The week he was sentenced I visited the beach and picked up 20 pebbles. They all fitted nicely into a glass. Each month I take one out and take some time to contemplate the last month and I decorate it with feelings of the last month, I then move it to another glass. Soon there will be more decorated pebbles than non decorated pebbles.

Podcasts

Not only did I not expect to be in a relationship with someone that had commited this crime, I never thought I'd be visiting prison. It's a lonely, secretive and strange situation. I've a great friend and parents that allow me to offload but I'm conscious of this. On days I feel lonely or that I travel to visit, I allow myself to emerse myself to further understand the systems and other people's experience.

I've listened to two podcasts - Prison Bag and The Secret Lives of Prisons. This might not be helpful for everyone, but for me it helps me feel less alone. It's also be helpful to understand the wide justice system and support/ charities out there. There are so many people that have been failed by the system and have as a result ended up in prison. I hope that once I'm the otherside or this and things have settled, I'll have capsity to help in some way.

Sorry for the really long post.

I guess this is kind of therapy for me.

BaffledB, Yes the days seem to pass slowly, the weeks fast and the months even fast. When I flick through my diary I'm all of a sudden in late summer.

Tabs, yes he is actually very fortunate to be where he is. He has nothing to compare it against, but from what I read of other experience, he's got a good set up. We considered whether moving to a new prison with ROTL might be worth while, but not only does this not seem feasible, we don't know what other things might change and be more difficult - The in cell phone is our life line.

Prison reform is well overdue, I listened to a Longford lecture (am incredible charity offering focused and personal support to young people to get educated and find employment) and the speaker talk about this but also a more holistic being required - Yes offender have failed society but at some point many have been failed. He also said how long ago it was that the last reform took place and that the majority of the findings and recommendations weren't take inboard and those that were didn't stick.



Life Feels Over, that's kind of you to say. You've had such a horrible start to the prison journey with the added angst of him being unwell. The first visit is hard, it is a very strange experience, but some how you quickly adapt to the whole process. You've done incredible well in these circumstances, I read one of your responses to another post where you recognise this as his crime and being able to recognise it's his responsibility - I think this is so important not only for them to learn and change but also for us to retain our own identity away from this. I really hope you have a lovely visit. You'll soon find you don't need those big girl pants, in fact you might find you go go a visit not wearing any pants, just because the dress code says you have to!



Daffodil, I do wonder what we'll do with all these little things we've done and made for each other (he sends me embroidery and drawings from prison) they mean so much to us, but it's apart of both of our lives that we will want to say goodbye to. Putting them back on the beach is a lovely idea. Perhaps each month he's through probation we could get rid of one - That'll be another count down for us.

Upset, you too have given so much support. I'm in awe of you ladies that can give such compassionate responses.

Apologies for the long post...

It's not quite the final 5 month, we are just over 6 months from the release date.

I want to offer some positivity but as the sentence has gone on, the harder it has been - The build up of the strain that comes with having a loved one in prison.

Work is particularly busy, stressful and uncertain for me at the moment which alongside this journey is making me feel quite low. The doctor recently increased the dose anti depressants. All in all, I'm not feeling myself. I'm avoiding seeing people (only a couple of people know the true situation) or doing the things I love. I'm increasingly feeling angry and resentful towards my partner and questioning why I'm doing this - Everything feels very confusing and I feel very lost in pretty much every aspect of my life. I personally feel that I'm at a cross roads in my life regardless of him, but I don't feel like I can make any personal decisions until he is released.

The year anniversary of him going to prison passed and very shortly after it felt like we both felt - This is enough. The rest of his time inside seems like it could do more damage than good. He's increasingly finding it harder to be positive and motivated (he really has done so well in this front, I'm so proud of him for this). I too feel the same and I'm tired. Our relationship is under strain. It's 6 and half months until he is due to be released and I worry that the final 6 months will break one or both of us and if not us as individuals, then us as a couple.



On more practical notes. About 6 weeks ago he finally met his Prison PO and he was give his sentencing plan which amount to - Don't be an idiot. He'd completed some generic workbook based programs and has been given some optional ones to complete (which he will). Other than that there is no specialist rehabilitation, because in the PO - There is nothing to rehabilitate. His risk is rated is low in all but one category (Family - He only has one family member alive whom he doesn't have a relationship with). His risk of reoffending is calculated as 0.9. I know I am disgruntled but this all really does make me question what has been achieved by sending him to prison.

He has also now met with his Community PO who has said he may have to go to a hostel on release (we were really hoping this wouldn't be the case, especially when he has my home he can come to). She had also said she may impose restrictions on accessing the Internet upon release which seems disproportionate and extremely unhelpful when he will need to do banking, look for a car, research potential jobs and somewhere to live longer term. We will pick out battles though and will involve a solicitor where we feel necessary.

It's currently a waiting game. I am trying to find somewhere for us to live (my home isn't suitable for us long term) but sooner or later we will have to make a commitment as to where we want his approved address to be, as if it is mine, he will need to be transferred to the probation service in my area.

The majority of my family and friends do not know about him being in prison, they think we have broken up. I will need to start considering how he re enters my life. I hate the lying. I hate the uncertainty. At times I hate him.

I so desperately want to scream and shout from every roof top, put notifications and warnings on every social media app and messaging app, porn sites and sex forums that says - THIS WILL F*&K YOURS AND YOUR LOVED ONES LIFE UP.

THIS IS REAL.

REAL CHILDREN.

REAL PEOPLE.

REAL DANAGER - STOP NOW.

SEEK HELP.

YOUR ACTIONS ARE NOT INNOCENT - THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES TO CHILDREN, TO YOU, TO YOUR LOVED ONE.

Sorry for the negative post. I do see a future and I know there is a way through this, even if I don't always feel it.

There are no more pebbles to be decorated, but I'd be lying if I said I full of excitement - I am also nervous, stressed, anxious and frustrated. I suspect this is probably normal on the lead up to the release.

Whilst the time of his release could have been an extra joyous one and enable us to spend lots of time together over the festive period, he has been told he needs to go to a hostel, which is proving to make resettlement quite difficult. There are many practical things he needs to do which will not only be difficult over the festive period, but with the added probation license condition that he is not allowed access to the Internet (to be reviewed monthly), the curfew and check in times for the hostel are also restrictive. As with a lot of things on this journey, we'll navigate them day by day, week by week.



I'm struggling to see the benefit for him or society in him going to the hostel. He has a home, he has funds, he has meaningful activity on release and doesn't have to complete any courses or activities whilst there. We've worked hard to ensure that he has somewhere, something and someone to come out to. Whilst he's there, there will no doubt be other men being made homeless. I am as angry with him for taking this bed (alongside all the other resources he's consumed on this journey), as I am at the system that doesn't seem to be able to see the human - It's computer says no. Although, I suspect like all government funded institutions, they are hugely underfunded and under resourced to be able to do this (I read on the BBC that more than 400 probation officers were working at 160% of their capacity or more, with some over 200%).



I'm hesitant to put this down in black and white until we are both physically there, but I found us a house and it was approved, so after his hostel we should be living together. We are both so keen to build a life and heal together. I am under no illusion that it will be easy, there will be many hurdles and lots of adjustments to make. He still has 20 months on probation and a life time SHPO and SOR - In someways we are just at the beginning.



I've read on here questions such as "where are those that have come before us on this journey". BaffledB has optimistically suggested that people's lives move on in a way that they don't need the support of the forum anymore, and to some extent for me this is true. Similar to grief, I don't think some of the feeling we first experienced ever go away, life just builds and adjusts round it. In other aspects I think we become more knowledgeable and understanding. I've taken some comfort in writing a blog and posting on X (particularly when I want to rant or am feeling particularly emotional - It's a release), I know there are others that have found this therapeutic and others that have sought to tell our story and raise awareness of the struggles and isolation we experience as a result of someone else's offending. I hope that once everything is settled, I can do more of this. If you feel the same, do consider reaching out to your MP, this is such a hidden part of society that really needs to be discussed. It's so sad to see so many Mum's on here of teenage/young adult boys, the ease and accessibility of porn on the Internet is so damaging, it blows my mind that there is no age verification and this too really needs to be addressed.



In other news, I also told one of my closest friends, which mean all my very closest friends know. They've been very supportive and open minded. I was so worried about telling her but she couldn't have handled it better, she completely understood why I'd not told her any earlier and was just glad I'd had support from others - I'm feeling truly blessed to have the friends I do. I've yet to tell all my family, this is the next big hurdle for me personally. It's something I know I'll have to do for my own wellbeing but also it's likely, at some point, I'll be forced.



I don't want jinx things, as I'm acutely aware I'm still really at the beginning of the the reality of this journey, but I feel a bit more in control and comfortable with the decisions I've made to date. One thing InTatters said on a recent post about her children, was something along the lines of giving them the the space to say " there some trouble at home" etc. I think this is good advise for us all and is what I did "things aren't great", "things are tough", "we are working through some stuff" - It gave me the space I've needed and thankfully people around me have respected and supported without pushing or speculating (so far). There are so many outside influences and so many things we can't control, alongside the heart break and practicalities, from my experience, it can be hard to anchor yourself, your values, to trust your judgement and your feelings - This was tested recently when I met his PO and VISOR. I know one of the things I'll need to work on in the future is to not feel guilty for loving him or allow myself to be happy with him.

As for prision and rehabilitation, I'm so bemused by this whole system. Imprisonment, life time SHPO and SOR, told he has to go to a hostel on release, not being allowed access to the Internet. Yet, he won't be required to complete rehabilitation work because his OASys risk level puts him below the threshold and rated him as low risk. This equation doesn't add up, and someone is suffering as a result, I don't know if that's the victims /potential victims that need protecting from him by the SOR and SHPO, him (and I) not being able to move on with our lives having served what is deemed as suitable punishment, or general society for the cost of his sentence and monitoring, or maybe all three?! I'm under no illusion though that this suffering (and more) would not have happened, if when that conversation started he'd done the right thing. My pendulum of feelings is wavering erratically between anger, confusion and hope.

Almost 2 years to the date of his charges. 3 years and 2 months since his arrest, the next stage is round the corner. As I contemplate that I consider the many people that in the same timeframe have yet to recieve outcomes of investigations, sentencing or trial and more tragically have lost loved ones due to the wait and stigma. I think about you all often, especially those who are in much harder situations than I.

Despite the perhaps mixed tone, I can see the light and I have hope. I want to write a optimist post to give people hope, because I do have that, but I'm also cautious in getting my hopes too high or celebrate anything positive until we are there. But, from my experience, I promise it does get easier.

But what I will say on a more lighter tone is I am very, very much looking forward to not having to rush around getting coins for visits, listening to that horrible warning message when he calls from prision, listening in detail to what he's eaten everyday or his weekly shopping list!

ParkerPoo, despite being someone that is staying, I can relate to this and I don't think it sounds callous. The weight and consequences of this crime are heavy and many times I've questioned why I'm staying, the truth is, I'm giving it ago and will do so with the aim we'll stay together, but I am very aware I might not be able to live this new life and I also think I'd have felt differently if our lives had been more enmeshed. In someways I too have settled into the swing of things and his release bring for me a mini storm, but I can see how his release bringing a much bigger storm (the second one) to your life.

Please look out for yourself over the next few months. Set boundaries and don't feel under any pressure to let him come home. There is support in prision from charities and resettlement.

Thank you Upset. I think of you often and often nip in to read your lovely Friday updates.

Leesha, if I'm honest it was horrible. The questions they asked were probing and all questions, statements and silences felt weighted. In essence though they wanted to know I knew about the offences and not just the charge, that I'm not being coerced by him. They asked lots of questions about the relationship, whilst uncomfortable and intrusive I think this is done with the intention to assess how stable the relationship is and be comfortable that it's not volitile or triggering related to the offence. They also wanted to know about people in my life and if they had children. They took the names of family, their children and close friends and their children. Thankfully I've disclosed to all my friends. But because of the distance they do not feel at the moment I need to disclose to my siblings who have children (although I know my own moral compass would mean I tell them as soon as I felt there might be any contact or relationship form). I guess there is also a bit of common sense check - No children in the house, that I don't dress up like a school child, that I didn't think his crime was acceptable etc. They ere polite and mostly respectful, but I /we/he were given no credit for the work we'd done or effort we'd put in.

If I'm honest, it was a bit like that and I wish I was more prepared. In my normal life I'm trusted and respected and use to having intelligent conversations rather than - Computer says no. It threw me a bit. Despite having spoken with the LFF many times and at the beginning being supported by the quite closely by them and having private therapy with a specialist with a course facilitator, I was given no credit that this would help me understand the crime or that it would help facilitate my own judgement. They didn't appreciate that I focused just as much as what he didn't do as he did do. They highlighted they see him as high risk, which completely contradicts his OASys. Be prepared for you, your judgement and your decision to be scrutinised.