Putting heads in sand
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Wonder if anybody has any advice with hiw to deal with this effectively.
Throught this ordeal, althought the husband has had intense therapy, overall I feel he has put his head in the sand. I had to tell him to call the solicitors, I told him to get a job so he doesn't look like an unemployed bum, I've been the one who has pushed him to call the then useless solicitor, and when the charges were brought, it was me who told him to look for another solicitor because this one wasn't even calling back.
His answer? "I can't call, our little one is watching YouTube videos on the phone" I nearly lost it right there and then. He then followed me asking me what to ask the solicitor as "Well, *you're* the one who is asking me to swap solicitors"
Are you kidding me??!! Its *You* the one that might go to jail, it's you who puts us in this shit, it's you who might destroy our kids future.
I'm in tears now. I'm so tired, I know I keep hammering on this, but as a survivor myself of childhood abuse, the flashbacks are overpowering, I'm dealing with the kids, people's questioning, a new job of 12 hours shifts (which thanks God I have because the previous one was toxic and awful) running the house, a Uni degree that I started before all of this kicked off and I can only defer in a month, etc.
So dealing with him constantly asking me what to do, how to do it, his depression...it's too much. It's like dealing with another child.
But I can't lose it. Specially now that there is a court date. But I'm so angry, anxious, you name it.
...again in tears.
Any advise is greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Throught this ordeal, althought the husband has had intense therapy, overall I feel he has put his head in the sand. I had to tell him to call the solicitors, I told him to get a job so he doesn't look like an unemployed bum, I've been the one who has pushed him to call the then useless solicitor, and when the charges were brought, it was me who told him to look for another solicitor because this one wasn't even calling back.
His answer? "I can't call, our little one is watching YouTube videos on the phone" I nearly lost it right there and then. He then followed me asking me what to ask the solicitor as "Well, *you're* the one who is asking me to swap solicitors"
Are you kidding me??!! Its *You* the one that might go to jail, it's you who puts us in this shit, it's you who might destroy our kids future.
I'm in tears now. I'm so tired, I know I keep hammering on this, but as a survivor myself of childhood abuse, the flashbacks are overpowering, I'm dealing with the kids, people's questioning, a new job of 12 hours shifts (which thanks God I have because the previous one was toxic and awful) running the house, a Uni degree that I started before all of this kicked off and I can only defer in a month, etc.
So dealing with him constantly asking me what to do, how to do it, his depression...it's too much. It's like dealing with another child.
But I can't lose it. Specially now that there is a court date. But I'm so angry, anxious, you name it.
...again in tears.
Any advise is greatly appreciated. Thanks.
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Definitely he feels like he should be punished.
But in the process, he's punishing us too. And I can't stand for that, specially for my kids.
I have talked with him ad nauseum. He seems proactive for a bit but only with the prospect that, if he does it, then we'll be together. His head is still thinking about what will happen with us as a couple instead of thinking how will this affect him and the kids.
There are days that I feel like I can't breath and no amount of tablets, mindfulness, breathing exercise, praying, gym helps.
And I'm so alone.
The irony of all this is I feel the same sense of shame that I did as a child being abused. The secrecy, the pretending. Just another side of the same coin :(
But in the process, he's punishing us too. And I can't stand for that, specially for my kids.
I have talked with him ad nauseum. He seems proactive for a bit but only with the prospect that, if he does it, then we'll be together. His head is still thinking about what will happen with us as a couple instead of thinking how will this affect him and the kids.
There are days that I feel like I can't breath and no amount of tablets, mindfulness, breathing exercise, praying, gym helps.
And I'm so alone.
The irony of all this is I feel the same sense of shame that I did as a child being abused. The secrecy, the pretending. Just another side of the same coin :(
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Hi Green, I'm sorry you are going through this. Your situation sounds very stressful. My partner seemed to bury his head in the sand too, it was so frustrating. I still don't really understand why, like your partner mine seemed most focused on the outcome for us as a couple than the concequences for him.
One of the things you said was that you can't loose it with him - I felt this and in hindsight its probably the thing that I should have done and l didn't. Only you'll know if you think it'll be too much. He only gets one chance at this really and he needs to make the most of it. Perhaps loosing it might make him think of you and you both as a couple and the impact it might have, if he feels any instability there it might be enough to motivate him.
You also need to think of you. Why is it okay for your mental health to suffer so his is okay? My partner was always facing a custodial and not only do I think not loosing it perhaps didn't help him do everything he could, but I'm also now left with emotions and questions (that I parked up because I didn't want to rock the boat) that I may now never have answers too (or not for a long time) .
One of the things you said was that you can't loose it with him - I felt this and in hindsight its probably the thing that I should have done and l didn't. Only you'll know if you think it'll be too much. He only gets one chance at this really and he needs to make the most of it. Perhaps loosing it might make him think of you and you both as a couple and the impact it might have, if he feels any instability there it might be enough to motivate him.
You also need to think of you. Why is it okay for your mental health to suffer so his is okay? My partner was always facing a custodial and not only do I think not loosing it perhaps didn't help him do everything he could, but I'm also now left with emotions and questions (that I parked up because I didn't want to rock the boat) that I may now never have answers too (or not for a long time) .
Sorry to hear that all sounds very tough, he does sound like he is taking you for granted
At the end of the day it is down to him to engage with solicitor/probabation/lucy foundation courses etc not you. You need to focus on yourself, you cannot force him to seek help. He is lucky you are still there standing by him, depressed because he got caught or clinically depressed there is a difference, he needs to go back to the GP and review his meds if it's not working and get talking therapies and stuff.
At the end of the day it is down to him to engage with solicitor/probabation/lucy foundation courses etc not you. You need to focus on yourself, you cannot force him to seek help. He is lucky you are still there standing by him, depressed because he got caught or clinically depressed there is a difference, he needs to go back to the GP and review his meds if it's not working and get talking therapies and stuff.
Daffodil,
It's 5:41 am and again I'm on tears. I barely sleep, my eyes feel like I have hay-fever from the constant crying.
On top of that, my eldest kid has started to overeat as a form of soothing from anxiety. Just today I found a ridiculous amount of sweet wraps in their bedroom, packets of sugar, etc.
I took them out on the day and though it was going to be a brilliant day, came out and found this. Obviously lost it, I have no idea how to deal with this too.
I'm such a crap human being.
It's 5:41 am and again I'm on tears. I barely sleep, my eyes feel like I have hay-fever from the constant crying.
On top of that, my eldest kid has started to overeat as a form of soothing from anxiety. Just today I found a ridiculous amount of sweet wraps in their bedroom, packets of sugar, etc.
I took them out on the day and though it was going to be a brilliant day, came out and found this. Obviously lost it, I have no idea how to deal with this too.
I'm such a crap human being.
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