Advice Please
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Hello everyone, I’d really appreciate your advice and guidance please. I am in the really early stages of this process and as yet, no arrest has been made but things have been taken away for analysis. I have three children, two are quite young and my eldest is on the autistic spectrum. I feel absolutely shocked and devastated by this news which came completely out the blue with the knock on our door this morning and I have to admit, I’m terrified and I’m sure anger will follow. I don’t feel I can talk to anyone at this stage about what’s happening because I want to protect our children. I cannot sleep so just phoned the Samaritans to hear some reassurance, I really feel I need to hold it together for the children. As yet, we’re awaiting contact from social services. I’m still in shock but trying to be practical, I just want to keep a roof over my kids heads, who can I go to for help and advice at this stage? We’ve been told it is likely to be months before we hear anything more from the police and I’m so scared. Thanks for listening.
Hello Crystal,
I’m so sorry to hear about what has happened to you. You must be numb with shock at the moment. Well done for finding the forum so quickly, though! Also, you sound really practical which is good because I think it’s important to try and focus on some of the pressing issues in the early stages. Otherwise you just sit and brood! Is there one person who you are really close to who you could tell and then get to help you through all of this? My sister was brilliant- offered really practical support and listened to me endlessly. You need someone like that to kind of guide you. Not to tell you what to do, but to look out for you.
We all have our own individual sets of circumstances, but you may find the account from a woman who has already been through what you are just starting might be helpful. She seems to have had a lot of difficult situations to cope with, and is honest about the emotional journey she went on. Very best wishes, and please use us on the forum any time you need strength and reassurance.
I’m so sorry to hear about what has happened to you. You must be numb with shock at the moment. Well done for finding the forum so quickly, though! Also, you sound really practical which is good because I think it’s important to try and focus on some of the pressing issues in the early stages. Otherwise you just sit and brood! Is there one person who you are really close to who you could tell and then get to help you through all of this? My sister was brilliant- offered really practical support and listened to me endlessly. You need someone like that to kind of guide you. Not to tell you what to do, but to look out for you.
We all have our own individual sets of circumstances, but you may find the account from a woman who has already been through what you are just starting might be helpful. She seems to have had a lot of difficult situations to cope with, and is honest about the emotional journey she went on. Very best wishes, and please use us on the forum any time you need strength and reassurance.
Thanks so much for your reply Esther, I really appreciate it. I do have friends, but I’m too scared to confide in them about this because once it’s ‘out there’ I can’t take it back, and my children go to the local school and I’m scared they’ll get picked on. I am absolutely terrified, I got two hours sleep max, can’t keep any food down and have phoned the Samaritans twice! I’ve never felt so lonely or confused and I appreciate you being there.
I found i couldnt talk to anyone to start with and still struggle now 5 weeks in. In your own time you will find the courage and strength to talk about it. Ive found everyone that knows so far has been great but like you im terrified of telling any school mums. Ive been forced to tell one of thr teachers ssomething is going on but the the whole story, that was hard but took a weight off my shoulders. Yiu will be surprised how supportive and kind people are. Im just starting to deal with social services, my advice is stay calm and take one day at a time. I am doing everything social services say and im hoping that it will all go ok. Im terrified but i know i have done nothing wrong. I hope you do find someone you can confide in, even if you dont want to talk its a huge help to know skmeone is there if you need them.
Thanks Maria, you’ve been so helpful. We are waiting to hear from social servs in the next few days. It’s been suggested they may ask my husband to not sleep at home overnight, do you mind me asking if that’s what’s happened in your case? If so, I’ll need to get a plan together, we have no family nearby. Go you, five weeks, we’ll done. I’m day 2 and it feels like 5 weeks! Thanks again for sharing your experience.
My partner is not allowed to stay overnight at our house and can only have supervised access to the kids. At the moment i am allowed to supervise him but that may change. We have a mutli agency meeting soon where they will tell us what access he can have. I lost loads of weight in the 1st week from not eating or sleeping but life goes on and you must eat well and i take sleeping tablets sometimes if i really need sleep. If you are really struggling you can go see your doctor they ccan give you something to help. I recommend you call the helpline as well as go on here, they are very helpful and give good advice.
Crystal, I really would recommend that you contact the Stop it Now! Helpline on Monday morning. The people who run it are both sympathetic and knowledgable. And endlessly patient! They have to deal with the fallout of these crimes all the time, so they will have encountered situations similar to yours. As I didn't have young children in the house at the time of the arrest, I don't know how to negotiate social services so I can't really offer any advice there, I'm afraid. I hope you will be able to feel you can trust at least one close friend or family member enough to confide in them and gain support in that way. If you can't (and also if you can!) we are always here for you on the forum. Just tell us how you are feeling. Try to look after yourself; you will need to be physically strong for the sake of both yourself and your children. It's important to eat and sleep. Remember, you did nothing wrong. Hugs to you through cyberspace XX
Maria, what an amazingly strong woman you sound! You are so positive despite a desperately difficult situation. I want to wish you the very best for your meeting with social services, and also in making the decisions concerning the future welfare of your children. It must be so difficult balancing the needs of so many different people, but you don't whinge or complain, just get on with it and show a tremendous dignity. Hugs to you too! XX
Thanks so much again Esther, I will get on to them again first thing in the morning. I am still in shock, but once that passes I’ll eat and sleep much better. It is hard putting the front on for the kids, especially when they’re arguing!
Maria, I second what Esther said, you are so positive and doing all the right things in what must be a very painful situation and thanks for sharing your experience re social servs, I will be mentally prepared when our time comes. The wait is agonising, yet every day we can retain some normality is a bonus. Hugs to you all.
Maria and Crystal, I feel for you both! I’m on a similar timeline (almost 3 weekend since arrest and seizure of our electronics, though my partner was released without charge at th is time), but I do not have the added stress of having children in the house. My partner’s parents know, so I have been able to speak with them, however Samaritans were so helpful in the small hours when I couldn’t sleep, and I can not recommend the Stop It Now helpline enough. They were so understanding and reassuring. They helped me to understand how to deal with the waves of emotion and make sure I was takin care of myself.
they also recommended some books I found hugely helpful - check out Paula Hall (there is a separate thread about her book for partners).
Remember we are all here for each other.
they also recommended some books I found hugely helpful - check out Paula Hall (there is a separate thread about her book for partners).
Remember we are all here for each other.
Thank you so much D. You’re right, it’s those waves of emotion and thankfully the Samaritans are amazing. I’m so grateful to hear from others like yourself going through the same situation. I spoke with the StopitNow helpline yesterday morning when the police left and will phone them again on Monday. I just feel so incredibly sad and angry that our happy little family has been destroyed and there’s nothing I could do to stop it.
I know what you mean Crystal - but you can’t beat yourself up for not knowing! Whatever reason our partners have for doing what they did, we couldn’t have known. It’s frustrating how powerless this can make us feel, but there are many things we cannot control in our lives so I think it’s best to focus our energies on the things we can control (like taking care of ourselves, educating ourselves, and finding the support we need to get through this situation, whether we choose to support our partners or not). X
Thanks D, that was just what I needed to hear! You’ve been very helpful and supportive, I’m very grateful! ????????
Sorry D, the row of ???? at the end was actually a thumbs up emoji!
Haha, that’s ok Crystal! I’m glad I could help <3 it’s what I keep reminding myself, and it keeps me focussed on why is within my control x
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Massive hugs to you too, it sounds like you’ve been through an awful lot. My issue with telling people is because at this stage I want to try and work through it and keep our family together - I can only hope this is possible. I do have concerns about trust in the future though, there’s absolutely no way I could go through this again and I’m only at the start! Thanks for your inspirational, kind words.
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Crystal - I too am hoping we can work through this and stay together (even though there are no children involved). You have to take it one day at a time, and as others have said don’t let anyone rush you into a decision either way. I’m starting to look into options for couples therapy, as I think that could help either way x
Thanks D, your couples therapy sounds like a really good place to start. Regarding staying together, the people I’ve mentioned it to (only Samaritans so far) have assumed I want him out of the house. On a purely practical level, we have little money so haven’t yet worked out where he can stay, our kids adore him, and I know he poses them no risk. However, this morning I was brave enough to ask the nature of what he was looking at and for how long and I didn’t like what I heard. I’m nervous that social servs may look unfavourably on my decision to let him stay and if it gets out into the wider community they may think I’m condoning it, which I absolutely am not. That, and the fact that until Friday morning he’s given me the best 17 years of my life leave me feeling very confused. I am looking forward to the time I’m thinking straight enough and have the relevant information to make a decision.
Crystal I know exactly what you mean. I’ve spoken to the Samaritans twice - the first man I spoke to was quite good at not making assumptions and did say that I am the only person who can make that decision in the end. The other woman I spoke too did make the assumption I’d want him out/want to leave, which I didn’t find helpful. Stop It Now were much better at talking it through, reassuring me I wasn’t a bad person for wanting to stay with him, because he was still the person I knew - this new information didn’t take away all the good things about him.
I’ve only been with my partner for 3 years, but right now I feel that the good in those years outweighs the bad and makes it worth fighting for. I’m nervous too that people would feel I was condoning his behaviour (which like you I certainly am not!!), but I also believe he is not a risk to anyone and needs (and wants) support to overcome the underlying issues and address his behaviour.
You should talk through your concerns about social services with Stop It Now - I’m sure they can advise you. I think if you can show that it is actually in the best interests of our children (it’s not causing them undue stress, that he doesn’t have access to them on his own, that the children are safe and happy), then I don’t think they would have reason to look on you unfavourably. Do you have any support from family who may know the situation? X
I’ve only been with my partner for 3 years, but right now I feel that the good in those years outweighs the bad and makes it worth fighting for. I’m nervous too that people would feel I was condoning his behaviour (which like you I certainly am not!!), but I also believe he is not a risk to anyone and needs (and wants) support to overcome the underlying issues and address his behaviour.
You should talk through your concerns about social services with Stop It Now - I’m sure they can advise you. I think if you can show that it is actually in the best interests of our children (it’s not causing them undue stress, that he doesn’t have access to them on his own, that the children are safe and happy), then I don’t think they would have reason to look on you unfavourably. Do you have any support from family who may know the situation? X
Hi D, brilliant advice again, thanks. I just spoke with my sister-in-law who was really supportive and practical, but unfortunately lives hundreds of miles away. Still, unlike the Samaritans she knows us both and I feel much better for talking to her and she took my mind off it a little. For all the reasons you said are the ones you want to stay with your partner, I totally mirror them. You are inspirational and brilliant, thanks so much for your support. I’m going to phone StopitNow tomorrow with a list of questions; now the shock is dying down I’m reverting to practical mode. I just hope social servs give us the chance to show he’s not a risk, I’ve had many conflicting accounts. One Samaritans advisor said they’ll be super-supportive, one said get legal advice before I even speak to them and another said they’ll immediately ask him to leave to cover their backs, I guess it depends who we get and how they view our case.
Hi Crystal I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm 9 months down the line and still undecided on the future. I have 2 very young children and currently my husband is not allowed to stay at home and access has to be supervised by my parents as I'm not allowed to do it on my own. Initially I was allowed to supervise but since he plead guilty and it hit the media social services stopped it. He didn't get a custodial sentence and social services are now reviewing the situation. I have told them I'm not in a place yet to be making big decisions and they were ok with that. My kids are doing ok they are obviously affected by it but they still seem happy despite the mess. It is really difficult when it's out and other people's opinions do influence me sometimes. I still struggle with the shame. Although it's out people I know are really supportive but it still scares me if that will change upon me making a decision. Take care x
Hi Tired Mummy, thanks for sharing this. So the nightmare regarding access doesn’t necessarily end at the point of sentencing then? I assumed upon getting a verdict that things would go back to normal, I guess that’s naive. We have no family nearby and as yet are unsure where he can actually stay, it’s yet another headache. I know our kids are in no danger, but I know him and they don’t. I guess if we’re in that situation, they’ll provide a mediator to oversee contact, our families are all miles away. Gosh, this really is the nightmare that never ends. I sincerely hope it gets easier for you soon and wish you all the best in your decision-making and remember it’s your decision, nobody else’s. It must be very hard for the Dad’s having the reduced contact.
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Crystal - you are most welcome! I’m glad I can be of some help to someone. Your feelings are mirroring my own as well - I really hope that we both can find ways to make our situations work. I’m glad you are able to speak with your sister in law, even if she is not close by. I’m still weighing up who I could tell, but in the meantime I can still speak with his mum about some of it - this has certainly brought us closer together.
Tired mummy - I’m glad you have found some people at least to be supportive. I think those who truly do care for you will support you no matter what your decision, because they will understand that you have your reasons and will only want the best for you. I cannot imagine going through this with children, so you’re a tougher woman than I am <3 I really hope you get all the support you need, whatever your decision. We are here if you need us, and you are right not to rush into this decision.
Andrea - that sounds like a horrible situation, I cannot imagine how that made you feel. I was lucky in that as soon as my partner was released from questioning, he came and spoke to me and his parents. He was pretty open and honest, even though there was a lot going on and emotions were running high. We’ve spoken quite a bit about it since, mostly when I have asked questions but he’s generally very responsive (even though it clearly upsets him to talk about it, which is part of the reason I’m still here - he seems genuinely remorseful for what he has done and wants to make things right and overcome the underlying issues). X
Tired mummy - I’m glad you have found some people at least to be supportive. I think those who truly do care for you will support you no matter what your decision, because they will understand that you have your reasons and will only want the best for you. I cannot imagine going through this with children, so you’re a tougher woman than I am <3 I really hope you get all the support you need, whatever your decision. We are here if you need us, and you are right not to rush into this decision.
Andrea - that sounds like a horrible situation, I cannot imagine how that made you feel. I was lucky in that as soon as my partner was released from questioning, he came and spoke to me and his parents. He was pretty open and honest, even though there was a lot going on and emotions were running high. We’ve spoken quite a bit about it since, mostly when I have asked questions but he’s generally very responsive (even though it clearly upsets him to talk about it, which is part of the reason I’m still here - he seems genuinely remorseful for what he has done and wants to make things right and overcome the underlying issues). X
D We are in about the same situation and feel the same as you. Its been so hard because I felt alone in my decision to stay. Reading your posts helps me to feel better. big hugs
Crystal I’m glad I could help! I too was desperately looking to connect with someone else who had made the decision to stay (at least for now) - I hope we can continue to support each other on this journey. I find your posts really helpful to read as well - it’s nice to know there is someone out there going through the same thing and reaching similar conclusions - as horrible as that may be. Sending love <3
Hi D, it's a different Crystal, the other one is Crystal Crystal!
However, I am also in the same position at present. The landscape keeps changing and I'm not sure I can cope with too many more surprises. Probably due to shame, but I keep asking for the full picture, only to be told an extra something else. I've had my backside kicked by the helpline this morning, I'm feeling a lot more upbeat and at least now I know what I'm dealing with.
My dilemma is that whilst what he did was catastrophically, hideously, wrong, my kids adore him. It's a long process, let's see how we come out the other end.
However, I am also in the same position at present. The landscape keeps changing and I'm not sure I can cope with too many more surprises. Probably due to shame, but I keep asking for the full picture, only to be told an extra something else. I've had my backside kicked by the helpline this morning, I'm feeling a lot more upbeat and at least now I know what I'm dealing with.
My dilemma is that whilst what he did was catastrophically, hideously, wrong, my kids adore him. It's a long process, let's see how we come out the other end.
Oops, my haste to respond there!!
regardless, I’m glad if I can be of any help to either of you! <3
regardless, I’m glad if I can be of any help to either of you! <3