Heartbreak in Scotland
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Hi first time posting but been reading posts since Christmas. We were living in Scotland as that's where my husband is from but I'm from a different country. I havnt seen my husband for almost 5 months.
My husband was arrested for iioc on 23rd December. The knock was traumatic and took 4 hours. The police took away one mobile phone. My husband appeared via video link in magistrates Court on Christmas Eve and pleaded guilty to possession and distribution of all categories. It's his first offence.
A week before the knock I had just given birth to our first child and just started my maternity leave. We were so excited about our first Christmas as a little family but then everything collapsed.
My husband was released on bail on Christmas Eve but with conditions, one being no contact with under 16s so he never came home. I completely understand when people on here say its like a bereavement but without a body.
Unfortunately my husband confided in his employer who was a very close friend and the company made my husband resign from his job. That was in early January.
So I'm alone in Scotland, just after giving birth by cesarean, only on basic maternity pay with no way to pay the mortgage and all the bills. Social services arrived straight after the arrest and told us we were to have no communication whatsoever. I was in an awful panic. His family have been a great support to us.
I had no choice but to move back to the country where I'm from with our child and now living with my father. We had to sell our home in Scotland and lost everything basically. I left the UK with 2 large suitcases. I had to leave everything behind.
Social services now allow us to speak on the phone but no photos or videocalls allowed. They have closed our case because we are in a different country to my husband so there's no need for them as such. My husband is still in Scotland on bail and we are just in limbo waiting for sentencing and terrified of what's to come.
My husband is so remorseful and heartbroken. I'm heartbroken. Our child grows everyday and he's missing every moment.
It really is a very sad situation. Our lives and family ripped apart. Fear for the future. Shame, remorse, depression, anxiety, financial struggles, judgement, living in secrecy and lies, possibility of prison, problems with employment after conviction. Our child not knowing their father.
My husband is trying to get all the help he can with depression and porn addiction.
Is there any hope for us at all? I am terrified of social services. Is there anyone here from Scotland with a happy ending?????
My husband was arrested for iioc on 23rd December. The knock was traumatic and took 4 hours. The police took away one mobile phone. My husband appeared via video link in magistrates Court on Christmas Eve and pleaded guilty to possession and distribution of all categories. It's his first offence.
A week before the knock I had just given birth to our first child and just started my maternity leave. We were so excited about our first Christmas as a little family but then everything collapsed.
My husband was released on bail on Christmas Eve but with conditions, one being no contact with under 16s so he never came home. I completely understand when people on here say its like a bereavement but without a body.
Unfortunately my husband confided in his employer who was a very close friend and the company made my husband resign from his job. That was in early January.
So I'm alone in Scotland, just after giving birth by cesarean, only on basic maternity pay with no way to pay the mortgage and all the bills. Social services arrived straight after the arrest and told us we were to have no communication whatsoever. I was in an awful panic. His family have been a great support to us.
I had no choice but to move back to the country where I'm from with our child and now living with my father. We had to sell our home in Scotland and lost everything basically. I left the UK with 2 large suitcases. I had to leave everything behind.
Social services now allow us to speak on the phone but no photos or videocalls allowed. They have closed our case because we are in a different country to my husband so there's no need for them as such. My husband is still in Scotland on bail and we are just in limbo waiting for sentencing and terrified of what's to come.
My husband is so remorseful and heartbroken. I'm heartbroken. Our child grows everyday and he's missing every moment.
It really is a very sad situation. Our lives and family ripped apart. Fear for the future. Shame, remorse, depression, anxiety, financial struggles, judgement, living in secrecy and lies, possibility of prison, problems with employment after conviction. Our child not knowing their father.
My husband is trying to get all the help he can with depression and porn addiction.
Is there any hope for us at all? I am terrified of social services. Is there anyone here from Scotland with a happy ending?????
Thanks so much for the quick response lee1969. This forum has been like a lifeline the last few months for myself and his sister. Im from a different country outside the UK but we had been living in Scotland at the time of the knock so the police recommended this forum to myself and my husbands family. I've started counselling myself and trying to stay positive. Our child is my priority everyday and the only reason I can keep going.I feel every emotion possible. Anger, fear, betrayal, love, loss, sadness. Loneliness.
I know everyone is at different stages and we are all in different situations but it helps to know we're not the only family going through this nightmare. Sometimes it feels that way and that nobody will ever understand this unless they've walked in our shoes. It's not so black and white.
The man I married is still the lovely big cuddly guy with a kind heart who I fell in love with. I don't think the mistake he made defines who he is but I understand the awful choice he's made will have to be dealt with accordingly. He is already paying a huge price for this by missing out on his child's life. We both lost our home, jobs, relationship and happy family life. He lost everything aswel. A lot of family and friends have turned their back on him.
Hubby pleaded guilty at the bail hearing on Christmas Eve so he's now released on bail in Scotland and just waiting for sentencing. Conditions are no contact with under 16s so he hasn't seen our child since they were a week old. This breaks our hearts. He wasn't allowed back into the family home according to bail conditions and social services, I understand why this is a condition but its so hard to live with. Very hard to maintain a sense of family over the phone.
The police who arrested him said he was very co-operative during the knock and he admitted it straight away and handed over his phone. It's also his first offence. They said all that should help his case.
He had been on an app called Kik and dealing with porn addiction the last 20 years and was very stressed and depressed in his job and studying for his degree. I didn't know about any porn addiction and didn't know he was using any apps to speak to strangers online. I knew he was struggling with his mental health but he didn't want to speak to a doctor (typical man!). Stupidly I just assumed the way he was feeling would blow over and once I gave birth and he got his exams over with everything would settle down and he'd feel better and more confident again.
Covid also had him feeling very unsettled, always worrying he would be left go from his job. He was furloughed for 6 months and money was tight for a while. Also being isolated in the house for months during coronavirus, I was still working and he felt cut off from the world. All this added to his poor judgement. I'm not trying to make excuses but just explaining how it's been explained to me.
From speaking to him I think he turned back to porn and cyber chat with women as a way of escapism and it just escalated like any addiction would. Instead of studying he would go onto Kik. Meaning he was falling behind in his degree...which stressed him out even more so he needed more escapsim. Vicious cycle. He said going onto that horrible app was almost subconscious most days. Like a reflex. He's said it's like how people just spend ages scrolling on Facebook mindlessly.
He said he is disgusted with himself and he is speaking to a man from stopitnow every week on the phone and about to start the Informplus course they run. He wants to do everything he can to get himself back on track and be a great husband and father.
We've heard nothing for months from the duty solicitor that was appointed to him. We don't know what to expect or what we should be doing to prepare for sentencing.
Social services in both countries have closed our case because myself and our child arent living in the UK with my husband anymore so they are satisfied there is no risk, but what then? We can't live like this forever.
I see some people are waiting almost 2 years for sentencing which is awful. This limbo is agonising and it seems that it depends on the judge on the day of sentencing. I just wish we had some idea of what to expect and what we can be doing whiles we wait.
I know everyone is at different stages and we are all in different situations but it helps to know we're not the only family going through this nightmare. Sometimes it feels that way and that nobody will ever understand this unless they've walked in our shoes. It's not so black and white.
The man I married is still the lovely big cuddly guy with a kind heart who I fell in love with. I don't think the mistake he made defines who he is but I understand the awful choice he's made will have to be dealt with accordingly. He is already paying a huge price for this by missing out on his child's life. We both lost our home, jobs, relationship and happy family life. He lost everything aswel. A lot of family and friends have turned their back on him.
Hubby pleaded guilty at the bail hearing on Christmas Eve so he's now released on bail in Scotland and just waiting for sentencing. Conditions are no contact with under 16s so he hasn't seen our child since they were a week old. This breaks our hearts. He wasn't allowed back into the family home according to bail conditions and social services, I understand why this is a condition but its so hard to live with. Very hard to maintain a sense of family over the phone.
The police who arrested him said he was very co-operative during the knock and he admitted it straight away and handed over his phone. It's also his first offence. They said all that should help his case.
He had been on an app called Kik and dealing with porn addiction the last 20 years and was very stressed and depressed in his job and studying for his degree. I didn't know about any porn addiction and didn't know he was using any apps to speak to strangers online. I knew he was struggling with his mental health but he didn't want to speak to a doctor (typical man!). Stupidly I just assumed the way he was feeling would blow over and once I gave birth and he got his exams over with everything would settle down and he'd feel better and more confident again.
Covid also had him feeling very unsettled, always worrying he would be left go from his job. He was furloughed for 6 months and money was tight for a while. Also being isolated in the house for months during coronavirus, I was still working and he felt cut off from the world. All this added to his poor judgement. I'm not trying to make excuses but just explaining how it's been explained to me.
From speaking to him I think he turned back to porn and cyber chat with women as a way of escapism and it just escalated like any addiction would. Instead of studying he would go onto Kik. Meaning he was falling behind in his degree...which stressed him out even more so he needed more escapsim. Vicious cycle. He said going onto that horrible app was almost subconscious most days. Like a reflex. He's said it's like how people just spend ages scrolling on Facebook mindlessly.
He said he is disgusted with himself and he is speaking to a man from stopitnow every week on the phone and about to start the Informplus course they run. He wants to do everything he can to get himself back on track and be a great husband and father.
We've heard nothing for months from the duty solicitor that was appointed to him. We don't know what to expect or what we should be doing to prepare for sentencing.
Social services in both countries have closed our case because myself and our child arent living in the UK with my husband anymore so they are satisfied there is no risk, but what then? We can't live like this forever.
I see some people are waiting almost 2 years for sentencing which is awful. This limbo is agonising and it seems that it depends on the judge on the day of sentencing. I just wish we had some idea of what to expect and what we can be doing whiles we wait.
hi, so sorry to read your story.
Take one day at a time and take any help you can get from both of your families.
If you want to be together you will need to decide where you will want to live and then speak to oic and SS about options/contact. You made need to just sit tight until after sentences and take it from there. Take care of yourself and baby x
Take one day at a time and take any help you can get from both of your families.
If you want to be together you will need to decide where you will want to live and then speak to oic and SS about options/contact. You made need to just sit tight until after sentences and take it from there. Take care of yourself and baby x
Thanks so much for the replies.
My husband starts the informplus course in a few days and he has started a new fulltime job a few weeks ago in Scotland so he is looking for a new solicitor whiles he waits for sentencing. He pleaded guilty at the bail hearing but if a solicitor can help him in any way when sentencing happens.
I've also suggested some private counselling sessions with a sex or addiction therapist. He has started antidepressants with his GP. He is willing to do everything he can to improve his mental health and never offend again. He says that stress, anxiety and depression led him down this dark road. Also an addiction to social media
I still struggle to understand all this and why exactly he did what he did. I understand it would have been hard and embarrassing to discuss porn addiction and its an addiction done in private unlike drinking or gambling. He wishes everyday he had spoken to a family member or doctor about porn addiction before it became illegal.
We've watched many videos on YouTube by a man in America called Robert Weiss who deals with porn addiction. We've both found these videos brilliant in trying to understand porn addiction and how damaging it is to lives and relationships.
Thanks again for the responses. Feeling less alone in all this
My husband starts the informplus course in a few days and he has started a new fulltime job a few weeks ago in Scotland so he is looking for a new solicitor whiles he waits for sentencing. He pleaded guilty at the bail hearing but if a solicitor can help him in any way when sentencing happens.
I've also suggested some private counselling sessions with a sex or addiction therapist. He has started antidepressants with his GP. He is willing to do everything he can to improve his mental health and never offend again. He says that stress, anxiety and depression led him down this dark road. Also an addiction to social media
I still struggle to understand all this and why exactly he did what he did. I understand it would have been hard and embarrassing to discuss porn addiction and its an addiction done in private unlike drinking or gambling. He wishes everyday he had spoken to a family member or doctor about porn addiction before it became illegal.
We've watched many videos on YouTube by a man in America called Robert Weiss who deals with porn addiction. We've both found these videos brilliant in trying to understand porn addiction and how damaging it is to lives and relationships.
Thanks again for the responses. Feeling less alone in all this