If u right now could go back to the beginning and give urself some advice what would it be?
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This has probably already been done but thought I'd ask. Also may be useful to anyone just starting out and hopefully help them
Knowing what u know now and have learnt along the way what advice would u give urself just starting out on this nightmare?
First I'd hug and hold myself while I told her don't trust anyone in authority police, health visitors, school, social services and definitely not his parents. Also make it clear to them ur kids come first don't worry or mention about work, loosing the house or what people will say as it will go against u when social services write a report. Make list of names of social workers cos u will have that many over the period u loose count. When the police ring and say we're progressing well it should be over in a month or two don't believe him as 18 months down the line ur in the same place.
thanks I look forward to reading ur replies
Knowing what u know now and have learnt along the way what advice would u give urself just starting out on this nightmare?
First I'd hug and hold myself while I told her don't trust anyone in authority police, health visitors, school, social services and definitely not his parents. Also make it clear to them ur kids come first don't worry or mention about work, loosing the house or what people will say as it will go against u when social services write a report. Make list of names of social workers cos u will have that many over the period u loose count. When the police ring and say we're progressing well it should be over in a month or two don't believe him as 18 months down the line ur in the same place.
thanks I look forward to reading ur replies
Hi,
I think to stop and breathe, to be kind and patient, I would also get advice first and not listen to ss, I would try to find out as much info on everything I could, so I could before informed
I think to stop and breathe, to be kind and patient, I would also get advice first and not listen to ss, I would try to find out as much info on everything I could, so I could before informed
Do not trust anyone in authority.
Having nothing to do with any of them before, you think they have your best interests at heart, oh how wrong.
Be very careful what you say as it will be used for their gain.
Also breathe, remind yourself you have done nothing wrong and they is nothing wrong with supporting a loved one.
Having nothing to do with any of them before, you think they have your best interests at heart, oh how wrong.
Be very careful what you say as it will be used for their gain.
Also breathe, remind yourself you have done nothing wrong and they is nothing wrong with supporting a loved one.
Gosh this one is hard!
Most importantly I would say follow your gut feelings and don't be swayed by others.
Don't make any life changing decisions at the beginning that you could possibly regret. A decision that could possibly cause you pain in the long run.
Be kind to yourself always x
Most importantly I would say follow your gut feelings and don't be swayed by others.
Don't make any life changing decisions at the beginning that you could possibly regret. A decision that could possibly cause you pain in the long run.
Be kind to yourself always x
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Sadly, in my case my advice to myself would be not to belive him. I stuck by him for 18 months of hell ( social services, lying to people, isolating my self etc, all the usual stuff) only to discover he was lying.
Still trying to deal with the aftermath now for me and my family. Still jump at evey phonecall, knock on door etc.
Dealing with the effect of betrayal and lies is harder than dealing with the images because they weren't directly against me and my family. Teenage child very very badly affected and at a time of ife which should be carefree now doesn't see friends because cannot trust anyone.
I thought I was doing the right thing sticking by him but with retrospect it made things ten times worse and I feel.even more sick when I think of those 18 months. The 18th months of isolating myself mean I now have very few friends and no social life. Being followed by Covid just made it all worse.
Still trying to deal with the aftermath now for me and my family. Still jump at evey phonecall, knock on door etc.
Dealing with the effect of betrayal and lies is harder than dealing with the images because they weren't directly against me and my family. Teenage child very very badly affected and at a time of ife which should be carefree now doesn't see friends because cannot trust anyone.
I thought I was doing the right thing sticking by him but with retrospect it made things ten times worse and I feel.even more sick when I think of those 18 months. The 18th months of isolating myself mean I now have very few friends and no social life. Being followed by Covid just made it all worse.
Nobody will take your children. I'd let him be bailed to my house so we could talk. You can hate what he did but love him. Don't destroy/delete pictures of good times together. Choose your words carefully when talking to his family and friends, they're hurting too. Don't make rash decisions.
Get as much of your conversations with ss, health professionals and police documented via email. Don't let bad habits creep back in, you are and always were capable of running a house and coping without cigarettes. Don't believe anyone who gives you timescales. Remember that none of this is your fault or because you weren't enough. It's ok not to know what the future looks like, live in the present. Surround yourself and your children with love and ask for practical help as soon as you recognise that you need it
Get as much of your conversations with ss, health professionals and police documented via email. Don't let bad habits creep back in, you are and always were capable of running a house and coping without cigarettes. Don't believe anyone who gives you timescales. Remember that none of this is your fault or because you weren't enough. It's ok not to know what the future looks like, live in the present. Surround yourself and your children with love and ask for practical help as soon as you recognise that you need it
I often wish I had a time machine to go back! It would definitely be to tell the Police officers to get the **** out of my house along with a few choice words. I find out tomorrow whether they entered my house illegally. I would 100% believe everything my partner said and not spend a moment worrying about what was to come because it was a waste of time and energy. Funnily enough I've been reflecting this morning on how damaging the knock was, I've got workmen in and I feel like I'm being violated with people in my home touching things and it brought me back to how I felt when the knock happened and how my home felt afterwards. I was so entirely convinced that absolutely everything a "professional" said could not be a lie or extremely exaggerated and now I will always question absolutely everything which gets said to me. I am however forever grateful to a different mindset in regards to these types of offences, learning about you all and being able to offer support to those who join us on this horrible journey at the early stages. You're all incredible x
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I had to reply.
Because myself, my parents and sister and his parents are supporting him, ss has said that they think we may have all been groomed... Wt actual f, honestly!
Because myself, my parents and sister and his parents are supporting him, ss has said that they think we may have all been groomed... Wt actual f, honestly!
As someone only 6 weeks into this (6 weeks tomorrow since the knock), I appreciate these replies so much.
I'm in such a mess, going through everything over and over again, am at the stage of I musn't be enough, for him to have done it....
The police and ss when they came seemed "nice" to me, but after reading as much as I have on here, I'm thinking I just made it easier for them because I just sat there crying and in shock.
I agree though about not making any quick decisions. Take it one day at a time and do whatever you need to do to keep any sanity you have left.
I'm in such a mess, going through everything over and over again, am at the stage of I musn't be enough, for him to have done it....
The police and ss when they came seemed "nice" to me, but after reading as much as I have on here, I'm thinking I just made it easier for them because I just sat there crying and in shock.
I agree though about not making any quick decisions. Take it one day at a time and do whatever you need to do to keep any sanity you have left.
Smile, NMS,
I wholeheartedly sympathise with you both. I was told my partner was looking at CP, he absolutely wasn't (forensics show that) but was attempted to be brainwashed into believing he was. The Police also said "if you let him back he will groom you into believing him". Allegations and throwing around the word groom so carelessly is absolutely damaging to true victims of it. They are absolutely despicable!!!!
I wholeheartedly sympathise with you both. I was told my partner was looking at CP, he absolutely wasn't (forensics show that) but was attempted to be brainwashed into believing he was. The Police also said "if you let him back he will groom you into believing him". Allegations and throwing around the word groom so carelessly is absolutely damaging to true victims of it. They are absolutely despicable!!!!
Only 3 months in and it would definitely be watch what you say as SS take bits and bobs from a conversation and report it out of context to make you seem like a dick!
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Genuinely... I wouldn't... I wouldn't change anything...
I've come on this journey for a reason... Everything that happened, happened for a reason in my opinion...
I would leave it as be
I've come on this journey for a reason... Everything that happened, happened for a reason in my opinion...
I would leave it as be
Hi All
I would definitely be kinder to myself total sadness and depths of despair overtook me as a person but I guess that was self preservation
The police give the impression they care they just diddnt want the risk of my son ending his life but they really dont care!
Empathy, understanding, caring, supportive are just a few of what I have learnt from this journey even more so than before
So humbled by the sheer strength of my beautiful and amazing daughter who has been my rock!
And to all of you lovely people who have given nothing but kindness and support xxx
I would definitely be kinder to myself total sadness and depths of despair overtook me as a person but I guess that was self preservation
The police give the impression they care they just diddnt want the risk of my son ending his life but they really dont care!
Empathy, understanding, caring, supportive are just a few of what I have learnt from this journey even more so than before
So humbled by the sheer strength of my beautiful and amazing daughter who has been my rock!
And to all of you lovely people who have given nothing but kindness and support xxx
Your right ladies - lots of events will make you feel all the so many different emotions we regularly discuss.
There's no set path for any of us!
There's no set path for any of us!
I would imagine the worst, and triple it
i would move now as opposed to a year later when it had been reported in lots of media outlets and when I have no choice but to move countries due to a number of reasons
I would tell his family of the multiple lies he will tell about the situation
and ... I would give my children the massive hug for keeping me alive for what is ahead. They are my strength and the reason I have become who I am now a year later
i would move now as opposed to a year later when it had been reported in lots of media outlets and when I have no choice but to move countries due to a number of reasons
I would tell his family of the multiple lies he will tell about the situation
and ... I would give my children the massive hug for keeping me alive for what is ahead. They are my strength and the reason I have become who I am now a year later
I would imagine the worst, and triple it
i would move now as opposed to a year later when it had been reported in lots of media outlets and when I have no choice but to move countries due to a number of reasons
I would tell his family of the multiple lies he will tell about the situation
and ... I would give my children the massive hug for keeping me alive for what is ahead. They are my strength and the reason I have become who I am now a year later
i would move now as opposed to a year later when it had been reported in lots of media outlets and when I have no choice but to move countries due to a number of reasons
I would tell his family of the multiple lies he will tell about the situation
and ... I would give my children the massive hug for keeping me alive for what is ahead. They are my strength and the reason I have become who I am now a year later
My husbands case wasn't exaggerated. It did come out in drips of information because that's what happens in most of these cases.
My advice would be to reach out to the other women who are out there, and maybe not on the forum. There's some amazing women giving incredible support to each other. There is lots of information on the forum on the different ways to do this. Also look at the services out there to support families, there's a post called some help at last. Definitely have a look here www.theknock.club
My husband is serving a custodial sentence now and I really wish I would have reached out for that support sooner. It really can be a game changer for people. Since my husbands sentence I have been in contact with women and it really has been invaluable with support on what's to come next, as well as understanding on what we are all going through.
I agree though. I wish I would have got finances in my name and moved first. Maybe I would have felt uncomfortable in the new house after sentencing as he lived at home? X
My advice would be to reach out to the other women who are out there, and maybe not on the forum. There's some amazing women giving incredible support to each other. There is lots of information on the forum on the different ways to do this. Also look at the services out there to support families, there's a post called some help at last. Definitely have a look here www.theknock.club
My husband is serving a custodial sentence now and I really wish I would have reached out for that support sooner. It really can be a game changer for people. Since my husbands sentence I have been in contact with women and it really has been invaluable with support on what's to come next, as well as understanding on what we are all going through.
I agree though. I wish I would have got finances in my name and moved first. Maybe I would have felt uncomfortable in the new house after sentencing as he lived at home? X