Family and Friends Forum

JayJay I feel the exact same way. We are about 5 months after the knock and I feel every emotion. We also can't live together due to bail conditions and have a small baby together. Hard to process all this. Love the person, hate the offense. Can't put those two people together in my head. The lovely husband and the man who viewed iioc. Think this is one of the biggest tests a relationship/family can go through

Post deleted by user

In a similar situation myself and also finding it so difficult

Love the person, he's my best friend. I don't want to think about loosing that foreve as it breaks me. But the lies and deceit as well as wondering will he truly not ever do that again is constantly playing on my mind. There are deeper issues than just the iioc in terms of us, though obviously funding out about that is the icing on a sh***y cake.

Could we have worked through the other issues? probably, with councelling to address why he did the other things.

Could we work through this iioc issue alone. Possibly.if he can get better.

But as you say I'll need all the proof in the world he's genuinely doing his utmost to be a better person throughout, especially when it comes to how he treated our relationship in secret, before I consider being able to look be with him again.

It's all so easy to claim to know what you'd do until you are in that situation. I have a newfound understanding and hopefully reduced judgement of anyone going through relationship struggles acting in a way everyone claims they never would.

Sorry, no help, just know I feel the exact same

Post deleted

Like most I've been thru every emotion possible. He lives apart from me and the children due to SW and Me not knowning what the future holds for us.

It's only natural to go through a whirlwind of emotions and to be honest it's a good thing. It's means you're processing it, or starting to.

I love him, but hate what he's done. We've been together a long time. In the back of my mind I've thought that once sentencing over and media settled down, maybe we can give it a go and get him back home. SW closing case after sentencing and no legal restrictions why he can't come home.

It's a very common theme amongst this community, love the person but despise the crime. It's best to just not think about the future and live for what happens everyday until the court case settles down and you've got some clarity...

BUT this last week I have been thinking is it really what I want? Will I ever forgive him? I feel like he should be idolising me for helping him through this and being supportive. However this last week I feel like he hasn't been putting much time for into trying to win me back and showing that he loves me. When I ask, he says he loves me more than I'll ever know but he doesn't show it and this is one ongoing problem in our relationship and under the circumstances I though this would change.

Only you can answer wehter it's really what you want, and that decision is best coming after the trial in unless you are 100% certain. It's really difficult to and think that your partner should be doing everything for you... I would know because I've made that mistake before, 'youve put me through hell for years so you should be doing this for me'. But honestly, he should be getting better for himself, not you. Once he feels stable and mentally healthier, then he should start dating you again. Otherwise you become his reliant, you become his world and this isn't healthy.

I feel like I have been minimising and making excuses for what he's done, to my friend I confided in.

Its natural to block out and minimise the crime, you love the person so would do anything to rationalise what happened. Also usually reason like depression and porn addiction are not excuses. They are reasons. We need to change the discourse around this crime.

Truth is I know what he's done is so bad but maybe I've tried to block it out a little, a coping strategy maybe ? I don't forgive or forget easily anyway. I feel like I will never get over this and will hold it against him forever.

It's a coping strategy for sure to ignore issues until they arise, why out yourself through that strain until you need to? It makes it a little bit easier to live day to day.

sorry for long post just needed to put it out there and any advice welcome x

I hope you feel a small amount better now x

Hi Jayjay

I know what you mean, I decided to divorce as we had trust issues previously. My ex told me that he loved me but never begged for forgiveness or said that he would do more therapy. He is more angry that I called the police after finding the memory stick and because of that he will probably lose his job. I think that he would have prefer I divorced him and not called the police.

I think that he is still denial and as he said " it's not the crime of the century" and I don't think that he realises about the exploitation of these children. I think that if we would have stayed together we probably would have ended up hating each other, he would have blamed me for calling the police and I would have blamed him for causing this.

I don't think that any decision is easy to stay or go and a tiny bit of us dies when this happens and we are never the same again. Don't get me wrong it's not easy we were together for a long time but I didn't want to comprise my happiness. If he hadn't been in denial I would have probably fought for us, but I didn't want to lose family if he didn't think that I was worth fighting for. The decision is hard whichever you decide, it's a pity that we couldn't see the statement's so that we would know if they were lying or telling the truth. He still doesn't think that he is addicted, he said that's for younger men.

I do sometimes wonder if I have made the right decision and feel nostalgic for my life before this happened but I think that is the grieving process. As I said before I dont think there are any winners in this situation.

bereft x

I felt the same, there was the kind caring man I loved and the horror who brought us to this place in time.

He was my best friend but I question that as would a best friend do that to you. I supported him for 7 months, living a lie, his waking nightmare but found the lies and deceit too much. The trust had gone and his actions told me he wasn’t committed enough to build that trust back up. I left. It was hard at first but the relief of living without so much negativity outweighed the sadness. I have now started seeing things in a different light, it’s almost like I’ve woke up and I’m starting to live again, or should I say function better.

It’s a hard call on anything we do under so much duress but whatever we do it has to be our decision, no one else’s as you are the one that has to live with it.

Whatever you decide I wish you the best xx

My relationship didn't survive.. It was so hard when I thought he was my future and I tried every way to try and explain his actions and lies to find a way through. Ultimately it came down the fact I could never ever trust him again. We are now have no contact at all and to tell the truth although it's still incredibly hard to accept we're over and I'm lonely I must admit it's a relief to no longer have to lie and make excuses for him not attending events, supervise constantly looking over shoulder etc. I don't think I could have faced that for the rest of my life.

I don't know how I found the strength but I did and it was the right thing for me. I hate what he did to me and my family with his actions and lies and whatever his reasons I'd never be able to forgive. I felt so guilty and like I was abandoning the man I loved so much at his lowest point but I now realise I have nothing to feel guilty for and my only feelings towards him are repulsion that I was ever with him and anger at the ongoing effect it has on my family.

Do not feel guilty whatever you decide .It's hard to stay and hard to leave. There isn't an easy option. You need to do what is right for you.

"It's hard to stay and hard to leave. There isn't an easy option."

This thread in 13 words.

It's such a personal decision.

I still haven't decided, although I'm leaning towards the no.

The betrayal is beyond. I was abused as a child and I was just starting to find my voice, so for him to do this just shows how much, no matter what he says, he does not love me. This shows how massive the gap in this relationship is and how little in reality I am in his thoughts. I mean, I asked him to delete his Facebook account. He still hasn't. And it's those little things that are constantly accumulating that makes me doubt.

It has also put in the forefront all the stuff that has been problems in this marriage that we just ignored and I don't think I can live with anymore.

My only consideration to staying is the inconvenience this is all going to cause, all the money that will be lost by living separate, childcare issues and whatnot, but is that reason enough to stay?

So I'm taking my time, giving my kids as many lovely memories of their childhood that I can in a hope to erase a bit this trauma.

I'll think again about this marriage when the dust settles. Because, as someone said up there, both decisions are hard.