Being protective or just pure lies
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Hello everyone.
Ive been on here a few times over the last 5 weeks and shared bits of my story. I have read so many of yours and it's horrible that we all sit on this emotional rollercoaster. I am true sorry you are all going through this!
When i became apart of this rollercoaster I asked my partner to tell me the whole truth about what had gone on what has he done etc. He told me bits of it but said he couldn't tell me everything as he didn't know himself, he said he tries to look back to when the police said they started their investigation on him and he said it's all black like nothing is their in his mind. He physically don't remember.
Over the past weeks he has told me he cheated on me twice in the last 3 years, he has been on chatting sites, watched pornographers, had a snap chat account (I don't know much about this app). But say he done all of this cause of his porn addiction appently his therapist has said it's all linked together. I knew a very small part of this as his parents had told me as they had to sit in his police interview with him as he is autistic. They told me he had been banded off snap chat but didn't say why. When asking my partner he said he doesn't know the reason why appently they never told him. Is this true, do they not tell you?
He is speaking to a therapist and they have said it looks like he has a porn addiction. He also mentioned they told him it's like a "butterfly effect". Not sure what this means and I am trying to research it the best I can to find out. The therapist told him she thinks he has used porn as a coping strategy to when he is stressed or having a bad day he would turn to that. I don't know whether to believe him! He constantly says he doesn't remember what he has done only knows what the police have told him but swears he can't remember and it's like his mind is blank. Does this happen?
As you can imagine my emotional rollercoaster, I feel we are okay and talking good then boom something else hits me! He keeps telling me he loves me, he cares for me and he's so sorry didn't mean to cause me all of this. I don't know if it's true or lies. Is he telling me this as he has no one else in his life part from his parents. Some days I get so much out of him all weekend we have been good talking loads, making each other smiles just like old times but then yesterday it was like pulling blood out of a stone. Yes we still was talking but I was pouring my heart out to him, asking him how he felt what sort of day he was having and felt like I wasn't getting anything back. When I asked him about it he said he has anxiety and has done since he was a child (but only just found this out from reading his camhs report) he guesses he just shying away a bit more. Is this just excuses??
I don't understand non of this as he was perfectly fine all weekend to open up and express his feelings etc to me so why suddenly stop. I and many of you properly suffer from anxiety so know the feeling but I don't understand is he playing mind games with me? Does he actually even care and love me like he said.
I come to this forum as I'm not a person who can just talk in person to someone, I have got counselling sessions starting next week so I time maybe I will get better, I have rang the stop it now helpline twice before but most of the phone call I sat crying. Felt so stupid! They were really helpful but some of the time I don't have time to sit on hold as I know they are extremely busy so I come onto here. Hope no one minds me "word vomiting" on here.
Has anyone got any advise! Has anyone been through this sort of thing regarding his he lieing is he telling the truth? Should I give him an alternative to tell me everything so I can support or loose me! I just don't know!!!
Help
Heart!
Ive been on here a few times over the last 5 weeks and shared bits of my story. I have read so many of yours and it's horrible that we all sit on this emotional rollercoaster. I am true sorry you are all going through this!
When i became apart of this rollercoaster I asked my partner to tell me the whole truth about what had gone on what has he done etc. He told me bits of it but said he couldn't tell me everything as he didn't know himself, he said he tries to look back to when the police said they started their investigation on him and he said it's all black like nothing is their in his mind. He physically don't remember.
Over the past weeks he has told me he cheated on me twice in the last 3 years, he has been on chatting sites, watched pornographers, had a snap chat account (I don't know much about this app). But say he done all of this cause of his porn addiction appently his therapist has said it's all linked together. I knew a very small part of this as his parents had told me as they had to sit in his police interview with him as he is autistic. They told me he had been banded off snap chat but didn't say why. When asking my partner he said he doesn't know the reason why appently they never told him. Is this true, do they not tell you?
He is speaking to a therapist and they have said it looks like he has a porn addiction. He also mentioned they told him it's like a "butterfly effect". Not sure what this means and I am trying to research it the best I can to find out. The therapist told him she thinks he has used porn as a coping strategy to when he is stressed or having a bad day he would turn to that. I don't know whether to believe him! He constantly says he doesn't remember what he has done only knows what the police have told him but swears he can't remember and it's like his mind is blank. Does this happen?
As you can imagine my emotional rollercoaster, I feel we are okay and talking good then boom something else hits me! He keeps telling me he loves me, he cares for me and he's so sorry didn't mean to cause me all of this. I don't know if it's true or lies. Is he telling me this as he has no one else in his life part from his parents. Some days I get so much out of him all weekend we have been good talking loads, making each other smiles just like old times but then yesterday it was like pulling blood out of a stone. Yes we still was talking but I was pouring my heart out to him, asking him how he felt what sort of day he was having and felt like I wasn't getting anything back. When I asked him about it he said he has anxiety and has done since he was a child (but only just found this out from reading his camhs report) he guesses he just shying away a bit more. Is this just excuses??
I don't understand non of this as he was perfectly fine all weekend to open up and express his feelings etc to me so why suddenly stop. I and many of you properly suffer from anxiety so know the feeling but I don't understand is he playing mind games with me? Does he actually even care and love me like he said.
I come to this forum as I'm not a person who can just talk in person to someone, I have got counselling sessions starting next week so I time maybe I will get better, I have rang the stop it now helpline twice before but most of the phone call I sat crying. Felt so stupid! They were really helpful but some of the time I don't have time to sit on hold as I know they are extremely busy so I come onto here. Hope no one minds me "word vomiting" on here.
Has anyone got any advise! Has anyone been through this sort of thing regarding his he lieing is he telling the truth? Should I give him an alternative to tell me everything so I can support or loose me! I just don't know!!!
Help
Heart!
Heart
What you are going through is very normal and I'm sure many others here are feeling/have felt the same way.
I remember those early days and the hurt and confusion and I wish I could reach out and comfort you, it's a very unsettling time.
My OH has been the same at times, clamming up, saying he "feels uncomfortable" talking about it and I have got mad and said he obviously didn't feel uncomfortable looking at porn while I was asleep!
I have had to accept (but only after a long period) that I may never know the truth or the detail about what went on and what the hell was going on in his head. In your partners case, it may well be the truth that he doesn't remember or he has blanked it due to anxiety or whatever, or it may be that he is not telling the truth either to protect himself or he might feel to protect you, in a misguided way.
I have worked on this and gone with my gut (having known my partner, and my gut, for years) and most of the time I belive my partners version of events. In the end you will have to make your own decision about what you believe unless the evidence that comes out is incontrovertable. Sadly, in my partners case, the evidence is ambiguous. His version is plausible, so for the moment I'm going with that.
What you are going through is very normal and I'm sure many others here are feeling/have felt the same way.
I remember those early days and the hurt and confusion and I wish I could reach out and comfort you, it's a very unsettling time.
My OH has been the same at times, clamming up, saying he "feels uncomfortable" talking about it and I have got mad and said he obviously didn't feel uncomfortable looking at porn while I was asleep!
I have had to accept (but only after a long period) that I may never know the truth or the detail about what went on and what the hell was going on in his head. In your partners case, it may well be the truth that he doesn't remember or he has blanked it due to anxiety or whatever, or it may be that he is not telling the truth either to protect himself or he might feel to protect you, in a misguided way.
I have worked on this and gone with my gut (having known my partner, and my gut, for years) and most of the time I belive my partners version of events. In the end you will have to make your own decision about what you believe unless the evidence that comes out is incontrovertable. Sadly, in my partners case, the evidence is ambiguous. His version is plausible, so for the moment I'm going with that.
Hi Heart,
I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I just wanted to give a little bit of what I've been going through with my partner as I think it could be somewhat similar. When my partner was arrested I told him the same thing, he had to tell me the truth and tell me everything, to which he told me he couldn't remember certain details like how many times, what he'd looked at, what he'd downloaded ect. I asked him how the police caught him, what lead them to you? as I believed this is quite important, and he says he can't remember what they said. He says the interview was a big blur and he can't remember much about it as it was such a shock and he just shut down, I still don't know if he's telling the truth or lying to make things sound less incriminating on himself but the way I see it is there's no point in lying because the truth will come out, the police will find everything and eventually all the evidence will be read out in court so it's easier to be honest now. I've told my partner if anything comes from the forensics or out in court that he hasn't told me then that's it, I'll cut all ties with him and we'll be completely over.
I can't offer much help in terms of what can be done as we're still very much in early days but I hope you do find out the truth x
I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I just wanted to give a little bit of what I've been going through with my partner as I think it could be somewhat similar. When my partner was arrested I told him the same thing, he had to tell me the truth and tell me everything, to which he told me he couldn't remember certain details like how many times, what he'd looked at, what he'd downloaded ect. I asked him how the police caught him, what lead them to you? as I believed this is quite important, and he says he can't remember what they said. He says the interview was a big blur and he can't remember much about it as it was such a shock and he just shut down, I still don't know if he's telling the truth or lying to make things sound less incriminating on himself but the way I see it is there's no point in lying because the truth will come out, the police will find everything and eventually all the evidence will be read out in court so it's easier to be honest now. I've told my partner if anything comes from the forensics or out in court that he hasn't told me then that's it, I'll cut all ties with him and we'll be completely over.
I can't offer much help in terms of what can be done as we're still very much in early days but I hope you do find out the truth x
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Thank you bitterbean for replying! It is just one big nightmare! Do you mind me asking where on thsi journy are you? Start, middle, end??
Acompletemess, your case sounds very similar to mine, it’s horrible I think it’s hard for me as well as during the week we only got the odd evening together as our work was impossible to change the times we worked so only got a weekend properly together which was horrible. I can’t help blame myself in should I have changed my job to make more time for him.
Daffodil, thank you for replying, I work with children with additional needs and the main area I work with is Autism. However all my training and experience from years and year for some reason goes completely out of my head when I talk to my partner. I fully understand he can’t express feelings but at that present moment it hurts so much! I will definitely look at the YouTube so thank you so much for recommending this!
Thank you lee, I will look into the programmes and have a watch.
I feel like I’m lost in a long corridor and there is no end to it! I have tried to speak to my family but they are very much against me having contact with my partner. To be honest they are very much happy to tell every man and dog that I am no longer with my partner that I’m better off without him. Feel like everything is being taken out of my hands and I have no where to turn. I don’t know what my Gut is saying at the moment. My heart says stay fight for what you had my head says run miles. (Lots of sad and crying faces)
Acompletemess, your case sounds very similar to mine, it’s horrible I think it’s hard for me as well as during the week we only got the odd evening together as our work was impossible to change the times we worked so only got a weekend properly together which was horrible. I can’t help blame myself in should I have changed my job to make more time for him.
Daffodil, thank you for replying, I work with children with additional needs and the main area I work with is Autism. However all my training and experience from years and year for some reason goes completely out of my head when I talk to my partner. I fully understand he can’t express feelings but at that present moment it hurts so much! I will definitely look at the YouTube so thank you so much for recommending this!
Thank you lee, I will look into the programmes and have a watch.
I feel like I’m lost in a long corridor and there is no end to it! I have tried to speak to my family but they are very much against me having contact with my partner. To be honest they are very much happy to tell every man and dog that I am no longer with my partner that I’m better off without him. Feel like everything is being taken out of my hands and I have no where to turn. I don’t know what my Gut is saying at the moment. My heart says stay fight for what you had my head says run miles. (Lots of sad and crying faces)
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I hope court goes well for you when it arrives. How long have you been on thsi journey for? They have told my partner it could take up to 12 months
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Wow so long! I'm so sorry you on the waiting game.