Family and Friends Forum

Somebody I know described the moment the police came to my door as being like a stone thrown into the middle of a pond. I have had to weather the big ripples over the last couple of years. The ripples are smaller now, but they just don’t stop coming. Does this image make any sense to anyone else?

Crystal,the ripples are ongoing. I'm lucky in many respects because I've managed to move on in my life and start again with a new partner but to say it has been plain sailing would be far from the truth.

For a start, I had the humiliation of having to tick a box on a website which asked if I, or anyone I had had a close relationship with, was a registered sex offender. This box was on an online form I had to complete when I completed a process to apply to be a landlord. I had decided to move away from my house and rent somewhere else. I couldn't stay in the street where my ex had been arrested. I wanted to let the house I had been living in because I couldn't sell it. It was humiliating and embarrassing having to disclose that I had in fact had a close relationship with a sex offender. The registration process to become a landlord required me to declare that I was 'a fit and proper person'; I couldn't do this because of my association with someone convicted of viewing indecent images. How unfair is that! Talk about guilt by association. I was worried I might have to disclose this information to my tenants, or even to my new employer as I have just started a new job which requires a DBS check. I did eventually get my landlord licence, but it took over 6 nervous months to come through. I'm still waiting for the DBS which might take longer whilst the authorities scrutinise the details; my previous employer had had to hold a child protection conference about whether I was suitable to work with children because of my association with a sex offender when my ex was arrested. Needless to say, I have never seen an indecent image in my life. The conference was a formality, but nevertheless it will be on my employment records.

Even now I am having difficulties with personal relationships. It's been awkward with my children at times; they have a relationship with their father. I don't want one. And friends can be difficult even now. Most are lovely, but some want you to remain vulnerable because they want to have a 'project' as it makes them feel important. These people of course are not true friends, but it is still very hurtful when they take offence because you have moved on and are no longer dependent on them.

I still hate dealing with unexpected encounters in the street. I wonder what people do or do not know. It's hard to strike up casual conversations in those circumstance. Sometimes I have panic attacks. My emotions are much more powerful than thy used to be. I'm constantly asking my partner (who is endlessly patient and completely trustworthy, by the way) for reassurance that he won't leave me or let me down. These are the ripples. I'm generally happy in my new life, but some things never completely go away.

In the last post I sounded negative. I just want you to understand some of the consequences of this crime. It is a hand grenade, and nothing can possibly be the same as it was after that hand grenade has been detonated. However, I also want to say a bit about the positives because there really is some good that will come out of your circumstances, even if this is difficult to believe at the moment.

In my case, I found some very good friends. They were not necessarily people who had been close friends before (some were), but they proved to be extremely caring and helpful. I hope you will find people like that too. My family rallied round, and it was good to speak honestly about feelings and emotions perhaps more openly than we had before. I think it helped my children to develop a relationship with me that was adult to adult rather than adult to child.

In the immediate aftermath, I felt very frightened and vulnerable. However, I did eventually build up the strength to live independently and make decisions by myself. I was able to meet challenges that I wouldn't have coped with before, such as completing several DIY projects and going on a long road trip in Africa last winter. When my divorce came through, I actually felt empowered and - bizarrely enough - quite proud of my status. I'd come though something difficult and had earned the badge to prove it. I now live in a new place and am making new friends which is quite exciting, and have met someone who I think I can build a good future with. My past won't be with me forever, at least not in any significant way. I wish all of you well. Nobody who has been through what we have been/are going through will emerge unscathed, but I am a stronger person as a consequence, and I'm certain that you will be too.

Andrea, it could be me writing what you just said! Especially the awkwardness of social occasions. I remember once being on a train journey and finding myself sitting opposite a woman whose children had been in the same class as one of my daughters, and she kept asking me about how the family was. I was terrified she would mention my ex but I was trapped for half an hour until I reached my stop. She's a nice woman, but I just didn't want to be with her and have to either tell her or make up some lies to throw her off the scent.

As far as the press is concerned, everything came out in the local papers and on their websites when my ex was eventually charged at the magistrate's hearing. I had managed to keep things under wraps until then, but in the lead up there were several occasions when I thought the secret had come out and that everyone knew. It was dreadful because I then had to try and establish who did or did not know, and how can you do that unless you ask people directly which means you will have to tell them why you are asking?? So that was an impossible situation. The other really unnecessary stress was caused by the fact that the date for the magistrate's appearance kept being put off. It was initially supposed to happen in the September (what a lovely summer that was!) but eventually happened in January. We were given several dates for his court appearance that were subsequently postponed. When it did come out in court, the worst details of what he did were used by the reporters for their headlines (references to bestiality and necrophilia) and of course it hit social media big time - I didn't look but my children saw some pretty unpleasant stuff. However, once he went to crown court for sentencing about a month later, the journalists didn't report at all. I don't really know why but it was a huge relief not to go through it all again. Of course once it's out, you can't put it back in the box. However, it did become apparent that not everyone had read the local newspapers and therefore there were substantial numbers of people in the local community who were unaware of the circumstances of my divorce. That was a relief in some respects. However, as I suggested when I wrote about the incident on the train, the uncertainty as to who knows what everytime I meet someone from my past is very difficult to deal with.

Crystal, as Andrea says you will get through this. I think it would be unfair of us if we pretended it isn't going to be difficult because it will be, and your life will never be the same again. However, I also want you to know that it won't go on for ever. There are better things around the corner. There are people who love you and will want to support you. Above all, you must remember that you have done nothing wrong. The vast majority of people will respect you for that and will sympathise with your situation. You have done really well so far. Please keep using the forum if it is giving you strength. Love and hugs XX

Bless you, Wife and Mum. I feel for you and completely identify with the fears you describe. Mine tend to revolve around meeting acquaintances in unexpected situations where I constantly wonder what they know and what they don't know. It's hard to have a normal conversation in these circumstances. Also, I have irrational fears about my new employer finding out or my tenants. Even applying for a DBS check for my new job filled me with fear in case something is noted against my old address that will have to be declared, or the fact that a child protection conference had to be held about me before I was cleared to continue working with young children, just because a sexual crime had been committed in the house I was then living in. I hate the idea that my new employer might have to be told these things.

I do hope you will be able to trust a man again at some point - if you want to that is! When I met my new partner, I decided to tell him about my past at an early stage in our relationship. It was a leap of faith, but it was actually fine once I'd got it out. I couldn't have started with him in any serious way if I'd tried to conceal it - I just don't do secrecy. He's been very understanding and supportive. He knows I'm a rather fragile individual who takes things rather too much to heart at times, and that there are some irrational parts to my personality that become obsessive at times. But we are happy and secure together. I think I've been exceptionally lucky finding someone like my new partner, but if I can find such a person there must be others out there.