Keeping it secret
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Hi guys
Just wondering if there's anyone on here that's keeping it secret (well aslong as we can ) ?
I havnt told a sole and it's been like 10 months . It's becoming increasingly harder with the weather getting warmer people having kids parties BBQ chirstening ect making 3000 excuses everyday is hard. And the lies of daddy working at night won't last to much longer .
I'm worried about what family will think of me for keeping it a secret for so long and letting everything go to ruin without asking for help
In a crazy part of my mind I'm hoping that it stays a secret it's not in the media then I can tell friends and family we have split up ect.
But now I think that will never happen and if he looses his job I have no idea what will happen to him and his flat . Everyday I sit here hoping I wake up and it's a nightmare .
Also to people that have moved how do you manage it with low money and a moragte ect
I havnt had anything to trigger me in the last days but my mood is awfull and I'm struggerling alot. Ino that I can lead a life afte rthis with my girls but that's not enough to get me through I could live seeing him upset moved away or whatever I would be able to block him out :(
Just wondering if there's anyone on here that's keeping it secret (well aslong as we can ) ?
I havnt told a sole and it's been like 10 months . It's becoming increasingly harder with the weather getting warmer people having kids parties BBQ chirstening ect making 3000 excuses everyday is hard. And the lies of daddy working at night won't last to much longer .
I'm worried about what family will think of me for keeping it a secret for so long and letting everything go to ruin without asking for help
In a crazy part of my mind I'm hoping that it stays a secret it's not in the media then I can tell friends and family we have split up ect.
But now I think that will never happen and if he looses his job I have no idea what will happen to him and his flat . Everyday I sit here hoping I wake up and it's a nightmare .
Also to people that have moved how do you manage it with low money and a moragte ect
I havnt had anything to trigger me in the last days but my mood is awfull and I'm struggerling alot. Ino that I can lead a life afte rthis with my girls but that's not enough to get me through I could live seeing him upset moved away or whatever I would be able to block him out :(
Hi XXX
I honestly know how you feel, I have moved in with my parents with my children,
I can't give you any advice as I'm currently in the same boat, worrying about people finding out, more so for my children sake
All I can say is keep your head held high as this isn't your crime
Xxx
I honestly know how you feel, I have moved in with my parents with my children,
I can't give you any advice as I'm currently in the same boat, worrying about people finding out, more so for my children sake
All I can say is keep your head held high as this isn't your crime
Xxx
Hey!
ahhh sounds like you're in a real situation that you're not sure what to do!
what are you hoping for long term? Are you hoping for it all to 'go back to normal' in terms of family living after sentencing etc? We are having the same discussions.
I've faced huge family pressure to split with my partner for the sake of my son to safeguard him. But I wonder myself whether it will ever return to 'normal'... as each week goes on I start to think it won't.
no advice really about keep it secret, all I would say is I think my family would be really upset with me they were carrying on with my partner like normal, and I knew he had been arrested and under investigation for IIOC. They would be angry I didn't say.
it's so hard isn't it ????
ahhh sounds like you're in a real situation that you're not sure what to do!
what are you hoping for long term? Are you hoping for it all to 'go back to normal' in terms of family living after sentencing etc? We are having the same discussions.
I've faced huge family pressure to split with my partner for the sake of my son to safeguard him. But I wonder myself whether it will ever return to 'normal'... as each week goes on I start to think it won't.
no advice really about keep it secret, all I would say is I think my family would be really upset with me they were carrying on with my partner like normal, and I knew he had been arrested and under investigation for IIOC. They would be angry I didn't say.
it's so hard isn't it ????
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Hi just want to reply
I kept it secret and it went to court and came out in the paper the paper made it sound really bad and added there bits to it now am living a nightmare none of my family are talking to me and am going though hell with people in the street the have vandalised 2 cars put my windows out and I don't want to leave the house of risk of getting abused for nabours sorry if I have scared you just wish someone had told me all of this sooner.
I would suggested if u can to move because I have been trying everyday for weeks and it's a living nightmare no one can help me and now I have social services back involved Which is another worry on top of everything else.
sending you a hug
I kept it secret and it went to court and came out in the paper the paper made it sound really bad and added there bits to it now am living a nightmare none of my family are talking to me and am going though hell with people in the street the have vandalised 2 cars put my windows out and I don't want to leave the house of risk of getting abused for nabours sorry if I have scared you just wish someone had told me all of this sooner.
I would suggested if u can to move because I have been trying everyday for weeks and it's a living nightmare no one can help me and now I have social services back involved Which is another worry on top of everything else.
sending you a hug
I kept it secret for over four years before I had to disclose to some family members... I don't have children and thus far no one really close except my aunt and uncle have kids under 16.
Tho my partner has kids from a previous marriage and so it is hard to keep to the lies to prevent people speculating. I hate to say it but I think I have got pretty good at darting away attention from my partner. I suspect many in my family have ideas of what is going on but no one has out right questioned it.
I ha e come to terms I will not be able to have kids with my partner (I don't any so that helps) and that we can't be a totally noicoiple. E.g. limited holidays.
We have had to decline invited a d come up with excuses. I will go to events if I can but I feel at this rate someone will spot my partner doesn't come to some family events.
To the family I have had to disclose to it hasn't been that bad. No anger or aggression, just shock and disappointment. My partner has done lots of rehabilitation and he has been sentenced so in a way some see that he has faced some sort of justice for his actions.
I also go by taking it day by day and try to make lasting memories with friends and family because I know that if this ever comes out, especially to certain friends and family I will be cut out. I just hope they won't be vindictive and put myself and my partner at risk e.g. Give our address and where we work. The way I see it is he is monitored by police, he is compliant and he is working and so contribuing to society through taxes etc.
I do think I have been lucky so far in the circumstances I am in that I have kept this quiet. I am aware this could all crash but I try to be optimistic that either we will never have this out in the open, or that we can manage where possible.
Tho my partner has kids from a previous marriage and so it is hard to keep to the lies to prevent people speculating. I hate to say it but I think I have got pretty good at darting away attention from my partner. I suspect many in my family have ideas of what is going on but no one has out right questioned it.
I ha e come to terms I will not be able to have kids with my partner (I don't any so that helps) and that we can't be a totally noicoiple. E.g. limited holidays.
We have had to decline invited a d come up with excuses. I will go to events if I can but I feel at this rate someone will spot my partner doesn't come to some family events.
To the family I have had to disclose to it hasn't been that bad. No anger or aggression, just shock and disappointment. My partner has done lots of rehabilitation and he has been sentenced so in a way some see that he has faced some sort of justice for his actions.
I also go by taking it day by day and try to make lasting memories with friends and family because I know that if this ever comes out, especially to certain friends and family I will be cut out. I just hope they won't be vindictive and put myself and my partner at risk e.g. Give our address and where we work. The way I see it is he is monitored by police, he is compliant and he is working and so contribuing to society through taxes etc.
I do think I have been lucky so far in the circumstances I am in that I have kept this quiet. I am aware this could all crash but I try to be optimistic that either we will never have this out in the open, or that we can manage where possible.
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Hi Xxx,
From the moment of the knock, I immediately called my parents and my partners parents. I was in such a state of shock, it was a total knee jerk reaction for me to call them. Like most reactions early on, they were confused, angry and wanted me to have nothing to do with my partner but fast forward ten months, and we are now living back together and have the acceptance of both of our parents - investigation still ongoing.
Two months after the knock, I also confided in two of my closest friends who have been absolutely amazing. They started to suss something wasn't right and I was really struggling to deal with my own thoughts, along with the thoughts of both sets of parents over what I should do.
I have often wondered if I did the right thing that day by telling them, but ultimately both friends responded with "why didn't you tell me sooner, I wish I could have helped." I know this is not everyone's experience, but there are those out there who still, when the dust settles, care about your wellbeing and have re-affirmed that I should only do what is right for me.
If it is coming increasingly difficult for you to explain your husband's whereabouts and you feel uncomfortable disclosing, then I would stick to your partner having a new job maybe. At the start, when I tried to fob others off with "we're going through a rough patch", it only invited more questions so if you are set on ending your relationship, perhaps explain that you have separated but be firm in that you do not want to discuss it.
I hope this dark cloud passes for you. X
From the moment of the knock, I immediately called my parents and my partners parents. I was in such a state of shock, it was a total knee jerk reaction for me to call them. Like most reactions early on, they were confused, angry and wanted me to have nothing to do with my partner but fast forward ten months, and we are now living back together and have the acceptance of both of our parents - investigation still ongoing.
Two months after the knock, I also confided in two of my closest friends who have been absolutely amazing. They started to suss something wasn't right and I was really struggling to deal with my own thoughts, along with the thoughts of both sets of parents over what I should do.
I have often wondered if I did the right thing that day by telling them, but ultimately both friends responded with "why didn't you tell me sooner, I wish I could have helped." I know this is not everyone's experience, but there are those out there who still, when the dust settles, care about your wellbeing and have re-affirmed that I should only do what is right for me.
If it is coming increasingly difficult for you to explain your husband's whereabouts and you feel uncomfortable disclosing, then I would stick to your partner having a new job maybe. At the start, when I tried to fob others off with "we're going through a rough patch", it only invited more questions so if you are set on ending your relationship, perhaps explain that you have separated but be firm in that you do not want to discuss it.
I hope this dark cloud passes for you. X
Thanks for the replys
Im kind of wishing I had rang my parents on day one but my partner didn't want me to . He's family live 4 hours away and he's blanked them out of his life threw ebarrsment . There always texting asking why he's egnoring them . My dad would be heart broken I'm just trying to save some feelings if there ever a way they don't know because I would prefer them spending the last year's not knowing how upset I am he would be devistated. It's not only this it's money debt everything's ruined he would be so upset . He thinks we're a perfect happy family .
My mum doesn't need any other reason to dislike him they don't get along.
Princess that's awfull :( so sorry to hear that . Do you live with your partner? I was thinking of my partner doesn't live here then hopefully people wouldn't take it out on me . Can I ask what he was arrested for or what's his charge
I have no clue what to do it's all depends of the charge and punishment. My little girl wants friends round an dparties and things so in order for her to have that I asume I will split and stay seperate when all this is over . I didn't realize that a shpo was minimum of 5 years . So she can't have friends near for 5 years or can't be alone with her dad for that long I'm not sure how to carry on . But then when I see my partner he is broken and can not believe this is what life has come to and he can't see anyway out .
I was hoping that with a name change p might not know it's him :( but as I type this I sound very hopfull to much and think I need to get real.
Has anyone done a name change ?
Im kind of wishing I had rang my parents on day one but my partner didn't want me to . He's family live 4 hours away and he's blanked them out of his life threw ebarrsment . There always texting asking why he's egnoring them . My dad would be heart broken I'm just trying to save some feelings if there ever a way they don't know because I would prefer them spending the last year's not knowing how upset I am he would be devistated. It's not only this it's money debt everything's ruined he would be so upset . He thinks we're a perfect happy family .
My mum doesn't need any other reason to dislike him they don't get along.
Princess that's awfull :( so sorry to hear that . Do you live with your partner? I was thinking of my partner doesn't live here then hopefully people wouldn't take it out on me . Can I ask what he was arrested for or what's his charge
I have no clue what to do it's all depends of the charge and punishment. My little girl wants friends round an dparties and things so in order for her to have that I asume I will split and stay seperate when all this is over . I didn't realize that a shpo was minimum of 5 years . So she can't have friends near for 5 years or can't be alone with her dad for that long I'm not sure how to carry on . But then when I see my partner he is broken and can not believe this is what life has come to and he can't see anyway out .
I was hoping that with a name change p might not know it's him :( but as I type this I sound very hopfull to much and think I need to get real.
Has anyone done a name change ?
I think the age of my little girl is really making things hard for me . We have lived here 5 years and noone has spoke or let on . Now after.cpvid everyone back at school ect they realise all the school kids live on the street so there knocking on the door ect wanting her to play . I have spoke to my little girl asking of she wud be happy if we moved house or school and she sed no way. Of course she's a child she wud say that but I was just testing the waters . Plus's I have no money . And how can I move my family would question it xx
The only person who knows our situation apart from my partner and myself is my mum, and even then she doesn't know the full details. On the day of the knock, after the police spent hours searching our house, and I was then left alone with my thoughts, I was very scared of the direction they were going, so I I HAD to talk to someone.
My daughter, who is an adult, knows something is going on but not what, and she's just been told that she doesn't need to worry as we will figure things out. I want to protect her at all costs until she HAS to find out, as she has a lot on her plate herself and I don't want to add to that.
No-one in my partner's family know anything as they don't live nearby and we only see them a few times a year, and he won't tell any of his friends as he's certain they will all walk away if he does.
It's so hard dealing with everything on your own, I honestly don't think I would still be here if I didn't have my mum who knows and who I can talk to when I'm having my really black days.
My daughter, who is an adult, knows something is going on but not what, and she's just been told that she doesn't need to worry as we will figure things out. I want to protect her at all costs until she HAS to find out, as she has a lot on her plate herself and I don't want to add to that.
No-one in my partner's family know anything as they don't live nearby and we only see them a few times a year, and he won't tell any of his friends as he's certain they will all walk away if he does.
It's so hard dealing with everything on your own, I honestly don't think I would still be here if I didn't have my mum who knows and who I can talk to when I'm having my really black days.
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Hi bitterbean
Yes I feel the same somtimes wish it was out so then everyone knows they can all make there choices and least we know who thinks what and move on .
It's just my young children I worry for the future there friends in high school ect finding the article online .
He stopped talking to his family untill it was over untill we had our day in court . Because his family all have children his brother has 5 ect there such younch children in the family and he doesn't want to tell his brother ect he would prefer to never talk again than them to know what he's done .
I never ever knew it would take so long so I stayed in I cried ect thort it's all going to be over soon the police said 6 week haha what's a joke I wish . 10 months later and here I am . After the baby was born I was seeing friends meeting up ect saying he was in work . He hasn't been around family or friends or there children . I thort I cud get along say we have split and they come visit me ect and I keep in with the family and just say he's in work. Now I worry that if in the media people will see the dat of arrest and think why the hell have I been carrying on ect
My daughts begging now for her friend to come over from across the way . But I think the parents will kill me when it comes out .
I'm hoping that people will realise it's not me and it's ruined my life and my children deserve play dates ect but after some comments on here people can be harsh . I would dream on vandalism or shouting things in the street to anyone but people do . My best friend knows but she's pregnant and when she has the baby if she was to tell her partner I think he would try to distance them from me . Hope your okay and keeping strong it's a bloody horrible thing but hopefully it's coming to an end I'm waiting for the first court date hopefully any day now . Heart beats fast when I see the postman. Have you considered name change for your partner? I'm not sure if it will work but we're going to try xx
Yes I feel the same somtimes wish it was out so then everyone knows they can all make there choices and least we know who thinks what and move on .
It's just my young children I worry for the future there friends in high school ect finding the article online .
He stopped talking to his family untill it was over untill we had our day in court . Because his family all have children his brother has 5 ect there such younch children in the family and he doesn't want to tell his brother ect he would prefer to never talk again than them to know what he's done .
I never ever knew it would take so long so I stayed in I cried ect thort it's all going to be over soon the police said 6 week haha what's a joke I wish . 10 months later and here I am . After the baby was born I was seeing friends meeting up ect saying he was in work . He hasn't been around family or friends or there children . I thort I cud get along say we have split and they come visit me ect and I keep in with the family and just say he's in work. Now I worry that if in the media people will see the dat of arrest and think why the hell have I been carrying on ect
My daughts begging now for her friend to come over from across the way . But I think the parents will kill me when it comes out .
I'm hoping that people will realise it's not me and it's ruined my life and my children deserve play dates ect but after some comments on here people can be harsh . I would dream on vandalism or shouting things in the street to anyone but people do . My best friend knows but she's pregnant and when she has the baby if she was to tell her partner I think he would try to distance them from me . Hope your okay and keeping strong it's a bloody horrible thing but hopefully it's coming to an end I'm waiting for the first court date hopefully any day now . Heart beats fast when I see the postman. Have you considered name change for your partner? I'm not sure if it will work but we're going to try xx
Hey,
This is such a hard one. When we had the knock I think I would have imploded if I hadn't confided in someone. The people I told at the time were amazingly supportive, yet some of those were the ones who went to the vigilante group immediately after sentencing and literally ruined our lives. If I hadn't said anything I ask myself could this have been avoided. The answer is no because of the restrictions in his SHPO so sooner or later this would have come out. I don't regret telling people though because for one we were honest, open and transparent about what was happening. Certain people afterwards claimed not to know what was going on, again these are the ones that went to the vigilante group. My conscience is clear that the people at the time who needed to know did.
This is such a hard one. When we had the knock I think I would have imploded if I hadn't confided in someone. The people I told at the time were amazingly supportive, yet some of those were the ones who went to the vigilante group immediately after sentencing and literally ruined our lives. If I hadn't said anything I ask myself could this have been avoided. The answer is no because of the restrictions in his SHPO so sooner or later this would have come out. I don't regret telling people though because for one we were honest, open and transparent about what was happening. Certain people afterwards claimed not to know what was going on, again these are the ones that went to the vigilante group. My conscience is clear that the people at the time who needed to know did.
I have no idea what to expect from a shpo it's iioc all send on one file , could be a prison sentence could not be . I think the reason I havnt really said is so that when my dad visits and my mum who are separated they can have a normal day with me and my daughter and for a few minutes my mind is off it . So that people arnt upset and things when I'm discussing it because my children will be here . Then I feel like they will be on my case everyday and coming round ect and least at the moment my daughter doesn't know anything and is having fun with her grandparents . My step mum is very old and sufferinh a little with dementia and I think this would push her over the edge she gets very emotional at anything and doesn't really listen when I tell her things at the moment . The police(not that I listen to them or trust them) they said not to tell anyone at the moment because people can tell everyone and it will make things harder . What do the vigilanty groups do do they post it on Facebook and follow them and things . I'm not sure how family's cope when we have to pay to rents and 2 sets of bills.
The only thing that's gets me though is the fact I can say he dusnt live her ect but I'm not if that will stop people targeting my home . I think people will just see him as a monster I can't see anyone being unsetanding because if it was the other way round I don't think I would of forgiven or understood this it was somone else's partner .
I just feel there enough on all of our shoulders . Than the the whole world knowing and do strangers ect deserve to know anything aslong as he's not around any children XXX
The only thing that's gets me though is the fact I can say he dusnt live her ect but I'm not if that will stop people targeting my home . I think people will just see him as a monster I can't see anyone being unsetanding because if it was the other way round I don't think I would of forgiven or understood this it was somone else's partner .
I just feel there enough on all of our shoulders . Than the the whole world knowing and do strangers ect deserve to know anything aslong as he's not around any children XXX
Xxx
I can understand how much harder it must be for you and anyone else in this situation who has children. I think if I had kids at home I would feel under even more pressure to keep everything feeling normal, but at the same time worry what other parents might think if they found out later. It isn't right, of course, because partners and kids have done nothing wrong, they just get dragged into all this mess and are left to try and find away to deal with it.
I wish I had an answer to what is the best or right thing to do, to tell or not to tell, and who to tell. I think largely I've followed my gut feeling and so far my gut feel has been limiting who I tell. I also think part of it is I am clinging onto my old life, and the more people I tell, the more my old life slips away and the closer I get to the edge where I fall into a new, frightening looking new life.
I havent considered a name change and I don't think it's something I would do unless I felt I absolutely had to from a safety point of view.
I can understand how much harder it must be for you and anyone else in this situation who has children. I think if I had kids at home I would feel under even more pressure to keep everything feeling normal, but at the same time worry what other parents might think if they found out later. It isn't right, of course, because partners and kids have done nothing wrong, they just get dragged into all this mess and are left to try and find away to deal with it.
I wish I had an answer to what is the best or right thing to do, to tell or not to tell, and who to tell. I think largely I've followed my gut feeling and so far my gut feel has been limiting who I tell. I also think part of it is I am clinging onto my old life, and the more people I tell, the more my old life slips away and the closer I get to the edge where I fall into a new, frightening looking new life.
I havent considered a name change and I don't think it's something I would do unless I felt I absolutely had to from a safety point of view.
Xxx-- I haven't told anyone either, apart from therapists. I've considered telling a close friend about my partner's porn addiction, without the details of the iica, but even that is scary to me. This is such a stigmatized thing, with a lot of strong feelings and opinions attached to it, and maybe I am jumping to conclusions here, but I believe my family and friends would want me to leave my partner if they knew what happened. They might see him as some kind of monster or jump to calling him the P word.
Xxx,
Like others have said on this forum the decision to tell or not is ultimately yours and following your gut instinct isn't a bad idea. For me I told 2 people, I didn't tell anyone else because I hoped that it would all end up being a terrible mistake. I understand your desire to keep normality for your family, I also lived a double life for almost 2 years and so I understand how draining this is. Go with your gut. You know you and yours better than anyone else.
Like others have said on this forum the decision to tell or not is ultimately yours and following your gut instinct isn't a bad idea. For me I told 2 people, I didn't tell anyone else because I hoped that it would all end up being a terrible mistake. I understand your desire to keep normality for your family, I also lived a double life for almost 2 years and so I understand how draining this is. Go with your gut. You know you and yours better than anyone else.
Thank you everyone . My close friends knows but I feel everyday she texts am I okay and comes round ect but I feel I'm so negative and upset I feel she's about to give birth and needs happyness and to be around positive people and listening to me everyday is just boring . Theres a num that takes my daughter out on play dates every now and then and it's my turn next I was just going to take them to soft play or the beach so hopefully she can't feel worried when it is our because I havnt been in the house ect . I've tried putting tressil up at the back so they can't talk ove rthe fence but hard to get time to do with the baby and you can still see through it .
Yes I feel the same before this my partner got into debt had the baylifs round so he has an IVA family don't know about Al the money troubles either so when I say hes been arrested for that he's in debt he's used all the money ect I think they will be like get rid . He has noone else at all and think the only thing keeping him goin is us . He's been in a very bad place and spend most of this in bed suicidal . Now he's got work 12 hour shifts for money to keep up on the rent .
He's hoping that it's not going to be bad . Caution(which I know it won't) or his name will be different In the media with no picture ect
I surpose the only way he copes is hoping for the best were as I'm planning for the worst . We live in a ruff area aswell so I don't think it will go well. And the stigma around this m it's okay for neighbours to fight take drinks ect not care for there kids problery but I'm sure I'll be worse person to them xxx
Yes I feel the same before this my partner got into debt had the baylifs round so he has an IVA family don't know about Al the money troubles either so when I say hes been arrested for that he's in debt he's used all the money ect I think they will be like get rid . He has noone else at all and think the only thing keeping him goin is us . He's been in a very bad place and spend most of this in bed suicidal . Now he's got work 12 hour shifts for money to keep up on the rent .
He's hoping that it's not going to be bad . Caution(which I know it won't) or his name will be different In the media with no picture ect
I surpose the only way he copes is hoping for the best were as I'm planning for the worst . We live in a ruff area aswell so I don't think it will go well. And the stigma around this m it's okay for neighbours to fight take drinks ect not care for there kids problery but I'm sure I'll be worse person to them xxx
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Purplepen22 I told my close friend that it was iioc at first and she was like o God maybe somone sent him one . Or he was talking to someone he didn't know was 17 so she was like don't worry it's nothing so that didn't help then I kept like upping it saying I think it's catogery A ect . He said it's hundreds all send in a file he didn't veiw it all but the file was saved then deleted . I'm sure the not veeiwinh them all and only beeninh on there a short time won't matter :(
Social services came because they said they had a picture of my partner and daughter in the car togther . It's not true I was in the back . So I sed I want the time date and the picture ect and noone ever got back to me it's been 8 weeks . Police officer doesn't eveen answer the phone now to me . So I'm not sure weather they are like shit it's wrong or weather there planning somthing else.
Dose the court letter come to my address?
Social services came because they said they had a picture of my partner and daughter in the car togther . It's not true I was in the back . So I sed I want the time date and the picture ect and noone ever got back to me it's been 8 weeks . Police officer doesn't eveen answer the phone now to me . So I'm not sure weather they are like shit it's wrong or weather there planning somthing else.
Dose the court letter come to my address?
To respond to the question about where court letter goes, my partner had his handed to him at our address (as that is where he is registered as living) by plain clothed officers.
I believe sometimes it isn't done this way. But would be served at the home address of the offender. Tho I think some had the opportunity to to collect at the station
I believe sometimes it isn't done this way. But would be served at the home address of the offender. Tho I think some had the opportunity to to collect at the station