Back in Scotland!!!
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Hi ladies
Hope everyone is having a lovely weekend. So just after the knock at Christmas I had to fly back to my home country in January with our new baby as my husband lost his job and then we had no choice but to sell our home as he wasn't allowed to remain in our family home with his bail conditions.
I've just come back to Scotland this week and I'm staying with my in-laws at the moment with our baby until we figure something(anything!)out. I've not made any big permanent decisions about where myself and my baby will permanently live as everything is up in the air. My head is still spinning since The Knock and being a first time mum alone.
I've not met up with my husband and hes not allowed in his parents house with our small baby. I havnt seen my husband since January and he hasn't seen his child since they were only 6 days old when we had The Knock.
Myself and my husband have remained friends through phone calls since the knock. We havnt made any big decisions about the future as we are in limbo waiting for sentencing. I've just been focusing on raising our baby and been seeing a counsellor. My husband found a new job and a flat and has started the Inform Plus course. We were just taking things week by week.
I emailed social services as soon as I arrived back to Scotland to let them know we were here and staying with my husbands parents.
A social worker phoned me very quickly after my email and reminded me that husband isint allowed any contact in person or on the phone with our baby. They asked more about my husbands offence and said that they assume we'll be getting a separation. I was a bit taken aback.
I explained because we were physically separated since January living in different countries we hadn't even spoke about divorcing or being a family yet. We havnt met up to discuss our marriage. Surely this is something that can't be decided over a phone call???!
Social services said they can't force me not to speak to my husband on the phone but they strongly advise I end communication and obviously wouldn't want me to meet up with him. They also said they will be wanting to know our decision on the future of our marriage soon.
I would love to be able to explain to social services that I support my husband(as a friend for now)but detest his crime. I still love my husband but at the same time im really disappointed in him. Its not so black and white. We had a lot of great years and I can't just flick a switch and turn off all my emotions and memories. And we now have a little baby together.
Could anyone give me advice about what social services will be expecting from myself and my husband? Just feel a bit scared of them and scared of meeting up with my husband alone for a coffee to discuss things properly because Social Services wouldn't be happy.
Confused and lonely xxx
Hope everyone is having a lovely weekend. So just after the knock at Christmas I had to fly back to my home country in January with our new baby as my husband lost his job and then we had no choice but to sell our home as he wasn't allowed to remain in our family home with his bail conditions.
I've just come back to Scotland this week and I'm staying with my in-laws at the moment with our baby until we figure something(anything!)out. I've not made any big permanent decisions about where myself and my baby will permanently live as everything is up in the air. My head is still spinning since The Knock and being a first time mum alone.
I've not met up with my husband and hes not allowed in his parents house with our small baby. I havnt seen my husband since January and he hasn't seen his child since they were only 6 days old when we had The Knock.
Myself and my husband have remained friends through phone calls since the knock. We havnt made any big decisions about the future as we are in limbo waiting for sentencing. I've just been focusing on raising our baby and been seeing a counsellor. My husband found a new job and a flat and has started the Inform Plus course. We were just taking things week by week.
I emailed social services as soon as I arrived back to Scotland to let them know we were here and staying with my husbands parents.
A social worker phoned me very quickly after my email and reminded me that husband isint allowed any contact in person or on the phone with our baby. They asked more about my husbands offence and said that they assume we'll be getting a separation. I was a bit taken aback.
I explained because we were physically separated since January living in different countries we hadn't even spoke about divorcing or being a family yet. We havnt met up to discuss our marriage. Surely this is something that can't be decided over a phone call???!
Social services said they can't force me not to speak to my husband on the phone but they strongly advise I end communication and obviously wouldn't want me to meet up with him. They also said they will be wanting to know our decision on the future of our marriage soon.
I would love to be able to explain to social services that I support my husband(as a friend for now)but detest his crime. I still love my husband but at the same time im really disappointed in him. Its not so black and white. We had a lot of great years and I can't just flick a switch and turn off all my emotions and memories. And we now have a little baby together.
Could anyone give me advice about what social services will be expecting from myself and my husband? Just feel a bit scared of them and scared of meeting up with my husband alone for a coffee to discuss things properly because Social Services wouldn't be happy.
Confused and lonely xxx
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Thanks so much for the advise Daffodil. I'll look into a safety plan and see what courses myself and his family can do.
Our babies safety is number one, he won't be meeting his child until after sentencing and then we'll see about supervised after that and I'll be saying that to SS. I will do everything they tell us regarding our child but I felt uncomfortable when they assumed we'd be getting a separation/divorce and wanting an answer about that soon. I felt like saying our marriage is just between us that we need time to figure things out and also not something I want to discuss with a total stranger over the phone who I've not even met yet.
I also want to support my husband even just as a friend for now. If a coffee once a week can help us both through this nightmare and work out how we feel about eachother after all of this. I don't want to be rushed/scared into any huge decisions by SS. It's me that will have to live with it. Xxx
Our babies safety is number one, he won't be meeting his child until after sentencing and then we'll see about supervised after that and I'll be saying that to SS. I will do everything they tell us regarding our child but I felt uncomfortable when they assumed we'd be getting a separation/divorce and wanting an answer about that soon. I felt like saying our marriage is just between us that we need time to figure things out and also not something I want to discuss with a total stranger over the phone who I've not even met yet.
I also want to support my husband even just as a friend for now. If a coffee once a week can help us both through this nightmare and work out how we feel about eachother after all of this. I don't want to be rushed/scared into any huge decisions by SS. It's me that will have to live with it. Xxx
Welcome back xxx I guess you've left home to come back to the UK, but welcome and lots of love!
I agree with Daffodil - play their game and tell them what you are doing to keep your baby safe and be very ridged with your husbands bail conditions. Ring the helpline and ask them to suggest a safeguarding course - I bet you can do one online. Let them know you're serious about keeping your baby safe, but that you haven't made any relationship decisions yet.
You can meet him without your baby - along as that isn't breaking his bail.
A big hug to you xxx
I agree with Daffodil - play their game and tell them what you are doing to keep your baby safe and be very ridged with your husbands bail conditions. Ring the helpline and ask them to suggest a safeguarding course - I bet you can do one online. Let them know you're serious about keeping your baby safe, but that you haven't made any relationship decisions yet.
You can meet him without your baby - along as that isn't breaking his bail.
A big hug to you xxx
SS will be pushing for a decision because it will make their lives easier! If you say its over they can take a different path to if you stay.. but it's YOUR life, your choice. X
Thanks so much for the warm welcome back to the UK Pollypocket. Yeah you're right ill let them know my decision when we actually decide ourselves about our future xxx
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Hi C/Chaos
I am appalled SS actually said that!
I was speaking to someone from LLF this week actually who gave me some very good advice ... tell SS that you have made a decision not to make a decision yet.
She also said what (I think) daffodil said - they will push for an answer as it's much easier for them to do their job then!
does husband have any bail conditions / legal restrictions? stick to you guns, if you want him to meet baby, now or after sentencing then tell them. It should be your choice, and I don't know the crime committed but it's still his baby.
defo do as above and go through all of this forum and make a safety plan.
good luck and don't let them bully you x
I am appalled SS actually said that!
I was speaking to someone from LLF this week actually who gave me some very good advice ... tell SS that you have made a decision not to make a decision yet.
She also said what (I think) daffodil said - they will push for an answer as it's much easier for them to do their job then!
does husband have any bail conditions / legal restrictions? stick to you guns, if you want him to meet baby, now or after sentencing then tell them. It should be your choice, and I don't know the crime committed but it's still his baby.
defo do as above and go through all of this forum and make a safety plan.
good luck and don't let them bully you x
Thanks for the advise JayJay. His bail conditions are no communication with under 16s. No social media of any kind. No WhatsApp, Messenger or Facebook etc. I'm not allowed to videocall him or txt him photos of our baby according to SS. It's all for online offenses. I havnt seen his charges but he's told me there was no communication with a child.
I would maybe be ok with supervised visits one or two hours a week until sentencing if SS would allow it. Just so we could build some few memories as a family. The way I see it is even if we were to divorce in the future, we'll always be a family of sorts. He'll always be my child's father. This is our only child who we waited years for.
Feel very sad for him that one day after rehabilitation and sentencing this will all (hopefully)be behind us but he'll have missed out on so much. I know it's his own fault but he can never get this time back. He last saw his child when they were just a week old. He has very few memories. I try to describe the little smiles to him or how they fall asleep and other expressions, I tell him about their favourite cartoon or describe their cuddly toy.
This just can't be real.
I would maybe be ok with supervised visits one or two hours a week until sentencing if SS would allow it. Just so we could build some few memories as a family. The way I see it is even if we were to divorce in the future, we'll always be a family of sorts. He'll always be my child's father. This is our only child who we waited years for.
Feel very sad for him that one day after rehabilitation and sentencing this will all (hopefully)be behind us but he'll have missed out on so much. I know it's his own fault but he can never get this time back. He last saw his child when they were just a week old. He has very few memories. I try to describe the little smiles to him or how they fall asleep and other expressions, I tell him about their favourite cartoon or describe their cuddly toy.
This just can't be real.
Oh! Sounds like such limbo for you. Big hugs xx
I agree with everything everybody has said. Baby is number 1 priority and you sound like you're doing everything right for SS.
It sounds like the bail conditions are stopping him being with your baby not SS? If so - has his solicitor tried amending the bail? We didn't know this was a thing but my partners solicitor amended his bail when it got renewed and the police agreed. He's on bail investigation and he's allowed supervised access with u18s as his bail says, and SS have just gone alongside this. So he can see our son with me, his mum or his dad present. But cannot live with us (as his bail says). (He arrested under suspicion of images - not communicating so might be different).
I think it's so hard as I hear so many different people experiencing such a range of responses from bail terms and SS! I wish it was clear cut and every authority were singing off the same song sheet.
I hope you sort soon. It seems really harsh to me that bail or SS (whichever one) hasn't let him even have supervised contact with the new baby. :(
I hope you sort it and try and see some clarity soon xx
I agree with everything everybody has said. Baby is number 1 priority and you sound like you're doing everything right for SS.
It sounds like the bail conditions are stopping him being with your baby not SS? If so - has his solicitor tried amending the bail? We didn't know this was a thing but my partners solicitor amended his bail when it got renewed and the police agreed. He's on bail investigation and he's allowed supervised access with u18s as his bail says, and SS have just gone alongside this. So he can see our son with me, his mum or his dad present. But cannot live with us (as his bail says). (He arrested under suspicion of images - not communicating so might be different).
I think it's so hard as I hear so many different people experiencing such a range of responses from bail terms and SS! I wish it was clear cut and every authority were singing off the same song sheet.
I hope you sort soon. It seems really harsh to me that bail or SS (whichever one) hasn't let him even have supervised contact with the new baby. :(
I hope you sort it and try and see some clarity soon xx
The OIC gave me his contact details and has rang me a few times to update me. Have you got the oic details? If so I would contact them (email if possible so you have proof) and ask then what the arrest was for, potential charges that may arise and what bail conditions. This will prepare you and when you meet with SS hopefully you can work something out. Or ask your husband for paperwork.
It's just that no communication with u16s would usually indicate that there was some kind of communication offence
It's just that no communication with u16s would usually indicate that there was some kind of communication offence
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No contact with under 16s and no social media are pretty standard conditions in these cases, it doesn't mean there has been communication.xx
Also - does his no contact condition say 'unless supervised by someone approved by SS or police?' Because there's your loophole. You get your safety plan together and tell SS you would like your husband to have supervised access. If thats what you would like of course. Xx
Also - does his no contact condition say 'unless supervised by someone approved by SS or police?' Because there's your loophole. You get your safety plan together and tell SS you would like your husband to have supervised access. If thats what you would like of course. Xx
Thanks so much for all the advise. His bail conditions just say no contact with under 16s. SS phoned me today to say again that he's not to have any contact with our baby. I assured her my husband hasn't seen his child since they were a week old.
I phoned the OIC a few weeks ago and asked to speak to him but he was out. I was phoning to see if there was any update because we've literally not heard a word from anybody since Christmas. The lady who answered the phone said that due to data protection they wouldn't be able to tell me anything anyway but devices are probably being checked by the procurator fiscal.
On the phone today the social worker said they would be coming out to my in-laws house and I would be assessed by them as the protective parent so i explained my husband is currently doing the inform plus course and she seemed pleased about that. I asked if I should start the courses and she just said not yet(I don't really understand why we shouldn't do any yet) She also said if I resume my relationship with my husband then SS will have to take a different path of child protection and there will be consequences. Not a great feeling coming off the phone. Xxx
I phoned the OIC a few weeks ago and asked to speak to him but he was out. I was phoning to see if there was any update because we've literally not heard a word from anybody since Christmas. The lady who answered the phone said that due to data protection they wouldn't be able to tell me anything anyway but devices are probably being checked by the procurator fiscal.
On the phone today the social worker said they would be coming out to my in-laws house and I would be assessed by them as the protective parent so i explained my husband is currently doing the inform plus course and she seemed pleased about that. I asked if I should start the courses and she just said not yet(I don't really understand why we shouldn't do any yet) She also said if I resume my relationship with my husband then SS will have to take a different path of child protection and there will be consequences. Not a great feeling coming off the phone. Xxx
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Sorry Polly - I was referring to 'no communication' but maybe the poster meant no contact, that's why I said to check.
Christmas - defo put concerns in an email to SS that is shocking! X
Christmas - defo put concerns in an email to SS that is shocking! X
It's so frustrating that the police don't share details with those closet to the offenders.. I think if you're someone's mum or wife then you should be allowed full disclosure from the police. Buy hey, who am I! Just a piece of collateral damage like the rest of us!
Anyway - SS sound like they want an easy life. They should be supporting you, not dictating to you. It's right according to his bail that your husband shouldn't have access... yet! They can support him getting access with supervision.
Roll your sleeves up Chaos. It's time to fight xx
Anyway - SS sound like they want an easy life. They should be supporting you, not dictating to you. It's right according to his bail that your husband shouldn't have access... yet! They can support him getting access with supervision.
Roll your sleeves up Chaos. It's time to fight xx
No need to say sorry Jay Jay! None at all xxxxxxxx
Thanks Ladies. Boxing gloves are on and I'm battle ready xx
Completely agree Polly Pocket. If your someone's mum or especially share a baby together then we should absolutely be kept informed and given full disclosure by police of the offenses/risk.
We're meant to be a very protective parent without being told the offenses, all of our children are at risk but we aren't told what has actually occurred and official charges etc ...its daft.
We're meant to be a very protective parent without being told the offenses, all of our children are at risk but we aren't told what has actually occurred and official charges etc ...its daft.