Coping and the future
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This is the hardest thing I've ever had to write. We had 'the knock' on Wednesday morning. Life shattered in the space of minutes. The pain is unbearable.
My partner of 13 years (not married, no children) was arrested and taken to the station. He returned home about 4 hours later, after they'd searched the house and taken away devices. He was very open with me when he got back. I don't know how much truth I got (does anyone ever?). He was using an app called Kik, which I'd never even heard of. He said he ended up down a rabbit hole of conversation which resulted in him clicking on images of what he says were 'older teenagers'. But I'm sure the police said 'distribution' on the arrest. He says he may have done the equivalent of 'retweeting' but he wasn't sure. Could that be true? Would that count as distribution in a chat group where others have seen the same content anyway? I really don't know, but it doesn't add up to me.
He got his current laptop back the same day.
I asked him to leave, but my god do I miss him. I feel like this is someone else's life. We were happy, we are both pretty intelligent people with good jobs. I never envisaged either of us ever being in trouble with the law. This is a whole new world and 'bombshell' doesn't cover it. I was in numb shock for two days. I managed to tell my best friend who has vague experience of both a long-term relationship ending and, via work, of these scenarios. She has been incredible and it's been good to be able to tell someone openly. I have no plans to tell anyone else, probably ever. I have no idea what I'll say to my parents yet.
We haven't broken up yet. I don't know what to do. I feel like the chat rooms in themselves are as good as cheating, but part of me feels like I can get past that. But then I remember this whole other world we have now entered and the road ahead, and I don't know if I can see that through.
He was released under investigation. If he is charged, does that automatically mean sex register? What does sex register mean for the future? Has anyone had experience of not being charged? I feel like that's the red line for me. If he's charged, I can't stay. But that could be so far away yet. Can I wait that long? I want to support him so badly. But I'm in my 30s and now incredibly worried about leaving and what that means for my future and having children. But if I stay, the road could be so long that it has the same impact in that respect anyway. How can I trust him fully again? How can I trust anyone again?
This is the worst pain I have ever known.
My partner of 13 years (not married, no children) was arrested and taken to the station. He returned home about 4 hours later, after they'd searched the house and taken away devices. He was very open with me when he got back. I don't know how much truth I got (does anyone ever?). He was using an app called Kik, which I'd never even heard of. He said he ended up down a rabbit hole of conversation which resulted in him clicking on images of what he says were 'older teenagers'. But I'm sure the police said 'distribution' on the arrest. He says he may have done the equivalent of 'retweeting' but he wasn't sure. Could that be true? Would that count as distribution in a chat group where others have seen the same content anyway? I really don't know, but it doesn't add up to me.
He got his current laptop back the same day.
I asked him to leave, but my god do I miss him. I feel like this is someone else's life. We were happy, we are both pretty intelligent people with good jobs. I never envisaged either of us ever being in trouble with the law. This is a whole new world and 'bombshell' doesn't cover it. I was in numb shock for two days. I managed to tell my best friend who has vague experience of both a long-term relationship ending and, via work, of these scenarios. She has been incredible and it's been good to be able to tell someone openly. I have no plans to tell anyone else, probably ever. I have no idea what I'll say to my parents yet.
We haven't broken up yet. I don't know what to do. I feel like the chat rooms in themselves are as good as cheating, but part of me feels like I can get past that. But then I remember this whole other world we have now entered and the road ahead, and I don't know if I can see that through.
He was released under investigation. If he is charged, does that automatically mean sex register? What does sex register mean for the future? Has anyone had experience of not being charged? I feel like that's the red line for me. If he's charged, I can't stay. But that could be so far away yet. Can I wait that long? I want to support him so badly. But I'm in my 30s and now incredibly worried about leaving and what that means for my future and having children. But if I stay, the road could be so long that it has the same impact in that respect anyway. How can I trust him fully again? How can I trust anyone again?
This is the worst pain I have ever known.
Hello,
I'm sorry you're here.
What you have described sounds like viewing and distribution. If he saved anything or downloaded it then there's also making.
All of us here understand the sheer amount of pain you are in - we feel it too. There is nothing like it.
Try not to think too far ahead right now - you are still in shock. Take one day at a time and let the waters settle a little.
I can't answer all of your questions but there alot of ladies here who can add their info.
Lots of love and take care of yourself xx keep checking in xx
I'm sorry you're here.
What you have described sounds like viewing and distribution. If he saved anything or downloaded it then there's also making.
All of us here understand the sheer amount of pain you are in - we feel it too. There is nothing like it.
Try not to think too far ahead right now - you are still in shock. Take one day at a time and let the waters settle a little.
I can't answer all of your questions but there alot of ladies here who can add their info.
Lots of love and take care of yourself xx keep checking in xx
Thanks Lee xxxxx
Pringle,
There is so much to unpack at this point and trying to get your head around everything is absolutely mind blowing. Kik is infamous for activity like you've described, it's why I'm here. I truly believe a lot of men who end up in this predicament through there don't actually consider what they're doing to be wrong until they're arrested and it all blows up in their face. I guess at the moment you'll just need time to let the dust settle and see how you feel. There is no clear answer to what the future will hold, if they are teenagers then I guess it'll be down to CPS to determine if it's classed as iioc or they determine the images to be of age, it's very difficult, of course it also depends on what is found in the phone after forensics and whether or not your partner pleads guilty or not guilty - pleading not guilty drags out this process a lot more and it's hard to find solace or hope because everyone's case is unique. There's a chance the images may not be found, at this stage nobody can say. There was no iioc found on my partner's phone (he was arrested for communication) and equally no evidence of conversation was found but we still await an outcome and likely a jury trial. For now, just try and focus on yourself and allow your emotions and thoughts to reach a decision on what you want to do in time - I decided to believe my partner at the arrest and still do after the evidence backs him up but if everything goes south I can't promise to stick it out because ultimately I need to choose myself - but that's my choice and everyone chooses different for different reasons. Very rambly from me but I hope even a few words might help you a little bit. I'm about 15 months from initial arrest and we are living a normal life but it hangs over me almost everyday and it's hard but I love him and I have to believe that we will be ok xx
what will happen now is his devices will be checked (will take a few months) then once back all evidence goes to CPS for a decision whether to charge. Could be NFA (no further action) but we rarely see that here. Once charged the evidence is released to his solicitor and a magistrate court date will be given usually about a month after, if pleading guilty it will likely be referred to Crown for sentencing which could take a couple of months and after pleading guilty he will need to sign on register. If pleading not guilty it will get referred to Crown for trial which takes months. In this time ALL evidence is released to the solicitor (not just the basic and most condemning evidence) and the CPS review cases periodically so there's always a chance it could get dropped but again it's unlikely, it's then in the hands of a jury. Cx
There is so much to unpack at this point and trying to get your head around everything is absolutely mind blowing. Kik is infamous for activity like you've described, it's why I'm here. I truly believe a lot of men who end up in this predicament through there don't actually consider what they're doing to be wrong until they're arrested and it all blows up in their face. I guess at the moment you'll just need time to let the dust settle and see how you feel. There is no clear answer to what the future will hold, if they are teenagers then I guess it'll be down to CPS to determine if it's classed as iioc or they determine the images to be of age, it's very difficult, of course it also depends on what is found in the phone after forensics and whether or not your partner pleads guilty or not guilty - pleading not guilty drags out this process a lot more and it's hard to find solace or hope because everyone's case is unique. There's a chance the images may not be found, at this stage nobody can say. There was no iioc found on my partner's phone (he was arrested for communication) and equally no evidence of conversation was found but we still await an outcome and likely a jury trial. For now, just try and focus on yourself and allow your emotions and thoughts to reach a decision on what you want to do in time - I decided to believe my partner at the arrest and still do after the evidence backs him up but if everything goes south I can't promise to stick it out because ultimately I need to choose myself - but that's my choice and everyone chooses different for different reasons. Very rambly from me but I hope even a few words might help you a little bit. I'm about 15 months from initial arrest and we are living a normal life but it hangs over me almost everyday and it's hard but I love him and I have to believe that we will be ok xx
what will happen now is his devices will be checked (will take a few months) then once back all evidence goes to CPS for a decision whether to charge. Could be NFA (no further action) but we rarely see that here. Once charged the evidence is released to his solicitor and a magistrate court date will be given usually about a month after, if pleading guilty it will likely be referred to Crown for sentencing which could take a couple of months and after pleading guilty he will need to sign on register. If pleading not guilty it will get referred to Crown for trial which takes months. In this time ALL evidence is released to the solicitor (not just the basic and most condemning evidence) and the CPS review cases periodically so there's always a chance it could get dropped but again it's unlikely, it's then in the hands of a jury. Cx
Thank you all for your replies. I posted this on Friday in a total state, but I guess it's just been approved.
I've since seen him for a few hours, got some more clarity, he answered all of my questions (I believe) honestly and was very open. He was arrested for possession, distribution and making, mostly cat C but one Cat B (though he strongly disputed he cat B). He's started the online modules advised by the police and also today spoken to some solicitors, and a Stop It Now advisor, who apparently signposted him to more courses - though these are very expensive but he may have no choice!
I've told him to log everything he's doing and everyone he's spoken to. Hopefully it all adds up somehow.
It's the media that scares me most. I know that's a long way off but if it gets out, it will cost him his job and our whole future - even if it's just community service. That seems like an incredible price to pay for something which could have such a comparatively small court punishment. I also work locally and have family and friends locally, so my own life will become unbearable even if we don't stay together. It may also impact my career. Does any of this ever get taken into account? I would have to move away through no fault of my own.
Sorry for another long post!
I've since seen him for a few hours, got some more clarity, he answered all of my questions (I believe) honestly and was very open. He was arrested for possession, distribution and making, mostly cat C but one Cat B (though he strongly disputed he cat B). He's started the online modules advised by the police and also today spoken to some solicitors, and a Stop It Now advisor, who apparently signposted him to more courses - though these are very expensive but he may have no choice!
I've told him to log everything he's doing and everyone he's spoken to. Hopefully it all adds up somehow.
It's the media that scares me most. I know that's a long way off but if it gets out, it will cost him his job and our whole future - even if it's just community service. That seems like an incredible price to pay for something which could have such a comparatively small court punishment. I also work locally and have family and friends locally, so my own life will become unbearable even if we don't stay together. It may also impact my career. Does any of this ever get taken into account? I would have to move away through no fault of my own.
Sorry for another long post!
Hi Pringle.
How are you doing? Have you had any updates?
I'm a few days into it all and not hugely different to what you described. Only cat c (so far?)
Just looking for advice and information x
How are you doing? Have you had any updates?
I'm a few days into it all and not hugely different to what you described. Only cat c (so far?)
Just looking for advice and information x
Post deleted
Pringle01
So sorry you have found yourself here but you will get lots of advice and support x
Sending strength and hugs xx
So sorry you have found yourself here but you will get lots of advice and support x
Sending strength and hugs xx