Family and Friends Forum

Hi Confused Mum, so sorry to hear about your situation. I’m afraid I don’t know the answer to your question as I’m only 2 days into the process, but I just wanted to offer my support and send you a virtual hug. I too am keen to know about the publicity. Hang in there, you sound like you’re doing amazingly well.

Sorry, I forgot to say that my situation is the same as yours, we’ve been together for 17 years (happily, so I thought) and we have 3 children, one at Secondary and the others in primary. I too am very confused as to how I feel. We’ll get there.

Thanks Confused Mum, I’m getting by with help and support from everyone on here and the Samaritans mainly, I need to talk to process my thoughts but I’m scared to speak to friends in case they tell anyone else because, like you mentioned, I’m scared for my children’s safety and I’m scared of anyone putting a brick through the window! Just off to confide in a vicar (I’m so terrified, I need reassurance from someone nearby who knows our family) and am devastated that our happiness has been shattered in one fell swoop. Do you mind me asking how long it took social servs to contact you initially? It’s hanging over us but we’re trying to make the most of the relative normality whilst we still have it. I sincerely hope your date comes soon so you can take the next step and move forward with your lives.

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My situation was very similar to Andrea's. At first my ex wasn't charged as further forensic examination of his electronic devices was necessary. I was told that this would take about 3 months, at which point he would be given a date to attend the police station, be formally charged, and then taken straight to the magistrate's court where the charge would be lodged. As the crime is too serious for a magistrate to deal with, the case would be referred to crown court but the wait time for a crown court appearance could be up to a year.

What actually happened was that the police took longer examining his devices than they had originally promised so he couldn't be charged on the date we had originally been given and the magistrate's court appearance was postponed three or four times (this was very stressful because each time I thought he was going before the magistrate, I was psyching myself up for the story to hit the media as I knew there would be reporters in the court). Once he eventually appeared in front of the magistrate, the gap between that and the crown court hearing was only about 6 weeks. In all, the whole process took about 8 months.

Esther, I can only imagine how you felt being put through that whole process of worry again and again, you’re a warrior. My husband hasn’t actually been arrested at this stage, we’ve been told we have a likely wait for months whilst the electronics are checked, then they’ll call him into the station. On one hand I feel very relieved they didn’t feel he warranted arrest, but on the other hand I’m getting away with the fairies and (very probably) assuming it can’t be too bad. Then when they do come back to him it’ll hit me for six! It’s hard to get the healthy balance between worrying, not worrying.

Crystal, I think I should tell you that the police don't actually charge these men until they have all the evidence assembled. I think you need to be prepared for the likelihood that he will be charged. Unless he wasn't doing anything and it was a complete mistake of course! It's a horrible, long-drawn-out process, I'm afraid. I'd hate to give you false hope. When you talk with Stop it Now! tomorrow, they will be able to give you more information about the legal process. Now that you are over the initial shock, you will hopefully be able to take in more of the detail. Good luck, and we will be thinking of you. XX

Thanks Esther, I have a list of questions prepared, I’ll never remember them in this state of mind!

Confused Mum, that sounds truly traumatic for all of you, I’m sorry to hear it was so harrowing for you, and particularly your kids. They came to ours at breakfast time and took me and my husband in the kitchen to talk, but our kids aren’t silly, they knew something was up, they asked if Dad was in trouble. We were very lucky in that our police officers waited ‘til I got back from school run and explained how social servs would be in touch and it would be a good couple of months before we hear from them again. Now we’re in the void. I do really hope you hear something soon, the wait must be excruciating. Big hugs all round.

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I don’t know about you, but I just keep coming back to complete disbelief and a massive question mark as to why they all took such a silly risk. I guess anger must be kicking in.....

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Confused Mum and Andrea, I can identify with a lot of what you’re both saying. I realise that my husband must’ve been very unhappy and whilst nobody made him do what he did, he chose his own path, I can’t help but feel I should have noticed and that he must have been very lost and lonely in life. It’s like he’s an imposter, where has my husband gone? Especially since Friday, he’s so lost and vulnerable, it’s like I have four children and it’s all just so heartbreaking. The real losers in all of this are going to be our children. What role model do they have now and will they feel responsible or ashamed?

Crystal, I feel the same - my partner was always the strong, stoic one. I genuinely never thought I’d see him cry! That first day when he came back from questioning he was a mess, which was even harder to see as I myself was in shock. In those first few days I definitely felt more like a mother than a girlfriend - he was having multiple panic/anxiety attacks each day over what he had done and what he was putting myself and his parents through (so much so we had to go to the hospital to get him some anxiety medication), and I was the only person who could seem to calm him down.

It’s much better now, but we have had more arguments in the last 3 weeks than we ever had in the 3 years we’ve been together. That’s a hard one to deal with, as we always seemed to have the perfect relationship - neither of us ever raised our voices to each other, and our friends all had us on this pedestal as the perfect couple!

You’re right that no one made them do what they did, and they made their own (poor) choices which lead to this situation. They didn’t think about the consequences - at least not at the time of acting out. My partner believes his behaviour was due to an addiction which spiralled way out of control, becoming a compulsion even though he insists he never enjoyed it and that the things he saw brought on panic attacks every time.



I think in terms of your children, there’s unfortunately no way they won’t be affected, but all you can do is reassure them that his behaviour was his own choice and has nothing to do with them - in the same way his actions are no reflection on you either! X

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That sounds really tough Andrea, and I am sure I would feel the same in your situation. I’ve had boyfriends in the past who I’ve felt I had to mother as they couldn’t fend for themselves, and ended it because I wanted a partner not a child. I’d find it hard too if my partner wasn’t willing to open up. Mine is finding it hard, as he’s been so used to hiding his emotions and not talking about them, but he realises the importance in doing so now - that’s what makes me think we could weather this storm, in some ways. You are making the right decision for you, to protect your own sanity and stay strong for both you and your children. You cannot help someone who will not help themselves.

Hi all

I know every case is very different so I don’t think you can ever say it is going to be a set amount of time.

My ex partner was arrested in September 2015 and bailed until March 2016 pending examination of devices. This then kept getting delayed and like Andrea explained, this continuous change having set your mindset to a date was very difficult but I did get some warning about this from the Lucy faithful foundation which made it a little easier to manage as I often heard just the day before the date that it was changing.

Eventually he had to attend bail in August 2016 and things moved more quickly then. He attended magistrates in September and the finally attended crown court in October 2016 when he was given a 2 year suspended sentence. It was a very long 13 months and due to my job I was particularly worried about anything getting out into the media and my association with this. I was very lucky that this did not happen and another person with more images in court on the same day was instead reported on locally.

It sounds like things might be moving a bit quicker now, thankfully, but I think this is a little bit of a post code lottery and how much forensic teams are managing to keep up in your respective area due to the sheer volume they are dealing with.

hi. a bit different but its my dad thats been arrested . the police turned up at his home around october last year and took away devices. he was then asked to go to the station and i then heard nothing until mid august of a date we went to crown ct. my dads been in denial with me the whole time . his court date was delayed twice but eventually he went a couple of weeks ago and they ajourned it till mid oct awaiting pre trial reports as my dads main care for my mum. i have no idea what will happen. what he has done starts with custodial and as regards to the media i hope they wont be there.

my dad has noone except me and im so on the fence with this as i have 3 children the youngest 2 and my mum is too disabled to even understand what all of this means.

so glad i can talk on here as im sure i would not survive xxxx



you are all do very brave im here for each and every one of u xxx

Serrena that sounds awful - I’m sorry that your father is in denial, which leaves you in an even more tricky situation.

we are all here for you if you want to talk about it. Only you can decide what is best for you and your children. I’m so sorry you are going through this - sending love xx

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My husband was 7 months from arrest to sentencing. Like all of us here the goalposts just kept moving...

thanks ladies x this forum is my life line and i do have a couple of close friends supporting me however my partner has become a bit distant now. i feel i jeed professional support but unsure where to turn. im a adult/paediatric nurse so dont really want to have time off for work as work has no idea. xx i might call tge help linexand ask about the group sessions for families xx

love to u all xx

Hi Serrena, I’d definitely recommend calling the helpline - they are fantastic. They made some recommendations of books to read and gave me details about the Inform course, which I am hoping to join soon. They did also recommend that I speak with my GP - I have an appointment booked in the next few weeks to discuss potential counselling, so perhaps this is something you could also explore? Failing that, does your work have an employee assistance programme you could access? Most companies have this in place, and as part of it will offer a certain number of counselling sessions (over the phone or in person) completely free of charge. These programmes are designed to minimise the amount of time an employee needs to take off of work, so can often be scheduled around your normal working hours.

Remember everyone on this forum is also here to support you as much as we can. Xx

Confused Mum please know that we are here for you and it could be OK. My biggest fear was the papers and the affect on my kids (then 3 and 7 now 11 and 15). My husband was arrested in December and bailed and re-bailed approx 3 times. He was charged in the August so it was about 9 months. It didn't go to the papers and it didn't go to court and we are OK. I had prepared myself to approach the Editor of the local paper to tell him what he was doing to me and my kids IF it did come out. I also prepared an escape for me and the kids to leave the country. We haven't needed to. This is 8 years ago and I am alive and my kids are well. It will be OK I promise. And you are doong an amazing job. xx

Serrena, get some support and know that we aren't judging you. You do what feels right for you with your dad. I always felt that should I turn my back on my ex and he killed himself I would have to cope with that. I thought if I support him (even though I left him) I will be able to deal with his suicide should he succeed - he attempted many times. xx

Wife and Mum, thank you for all your posts and the support you are giving to us all. It is very caring of you to take the trouble to respond to so many women individually, and you have also been really honest about your experiences. You raised the issue of potential suicide of offenders, and that's a real biggie. I'm sure there will be plenty of us who have had to come to terms with the reality that the person who we shared our life with could actually be considering taking their life. How would we feel if they succeeded? There were a couple of times when I had to get my ex to promise me that he wouldn't kill himself. That was a difficult experience!

When I brought up the issue of feeling responsibility for preventing my ex from suicide with my therapist, she said something that I found very helpful: he is responsible for his own life and should he choose to take it, that is his choice. It would not be something I should feel guilt over. I know that's probably easier said than done, and I just can't imagine what I would have felt if he had actually killed himself, but I think the concept of his right to choose is useful. I know this is an issue that will cause a lot of anxiety, and perhaps we need to discuss it, even though it is something we probably would prefer not to contemplate.