Family and Friends Forum

Hey there - I am new here and feeling a bit lost, confused and my emotions are all over the place.

My partner has been charged for sexual communication with a child (4 counts) and 1 making of a cat B image and 1 for making a cat c image. He is currently awaiting sentancing and the sentancing hearing is in a month.

We have a 10yr old child and I have 2 children from my previous marriage who are now residing with their father (totally separate issue and there is a nasty court case around residency)

So my partner is still living in the family home with me & our daughter, there are no other options really.

SS are not happy with that but a safety plan has been put in place and this is working well there are no concerns about our daughter she is a happy child and has no clue about any of it other than Daddy has done something naughty and so he may go to jail.

I am just taking one day at a time but each day I have different emotions.

I feel I am going to loose access to my 2 other children because my partner resides in the family home - at the moment my ex husband is not aware of this but SS state they will need to make a referral (I live in a different jurisdiction).

I hate my partner for putting us through this and then I love him and want to help him.

I just dont know what to do.

My partner just does not show any emotion whatsoever I actually don't know if he gets it. He has not told his own kids yet (grown up kids) and that has annoyed me.

In the meantime our lives are in turmoil, our daughter cannot have friends over for her birthday, I am trapped in this situation due to a lack of money and I have no friends or family around me.

Part of me wants to leave and start over (again) but I think my partner will do something stupid he def won't cope in jail he is literally like a rabbit caught in the headlights.

Sorry just needed to rant I literally have no-one to talk to about this.

So my partner is just totally closed off he is drip feeding me info and I feel like hes in denial.

He said he would get help but so far he has done nothing to get help. We do not have a solicitor and he pleaded guilty to everything.

You know I don't even know if he has ever said sorry? He is very good at compartmentalising everything.

I do not have regular access to my other 2 children atm due to the court stuff around that (nothing shady just logistical issues as I live a significant distance) so in theory atm they are not at risk.

I asked SS to wait until sentancing as he may go to jail in which case that is that.

I don't even know how I feel about that.

I cannot move out or leave right now due to finances and I am financially supported by my partner.

Some days I wake up and want to help & support him and feel that we can put it all behind us and the next minute I feel angry and want to leave becuase my whole life has been destroyed and I did nothing wrong.

:-(

Hi - Thanks for replying.

No he isnt neurodiverse - at least there's no diagnosis.

Its like he doesnt get it.

Literally everyday SS or the police are in touch either phone or coming to the house and I feel overwhelmed and like I am under scrutiny (we have a 10yr old) child.

We have a CP conference this week and SS came today to go over the CP docs and hes sat there looking totally unaffected and I am getting emotional.

I also discovered that he had downloaded (not sure whether he was sent them or what) indecent images of a pre pubescent child and that was different to what he told me or to what the police told me. It was referenced in the report as a child of 'similar age and same gender' as our child (hence why our child is now on the CP register)

I just feel like it is one revelation after another and I feel like he is not forthcoming.

I am literally bending over backwards to follow the safety plan and the other day I caught him showing our child something on his phone (totally innocent) but it was a breech of the safety plan and when I told him to stop he just rolled his eyes at me and said 'he forgot'

I was just in shock - how the f*&* can he forget???

My parenting is under a microscope because of crimes HE COMMITTED and in order to keep our family together I am having to sleep with my child each night I am not allowed to leave my child unsupervised which effectively makes me confined to my home - I cannot go out, go to the gym get my hair cut without my child being with me and I am prepared to do all that and he cannot follow basic instructions!!

I am very isolated and have no-one around me to confide in or who can provide support.

I am just so angry.

He is being sentenced at the begining of July and I found myself wishing he would be given a custodial sentence so I can get some respite from this.

I cannot even tell whether he is remorseful he just acts like nothing has happened and has done nothing proactive to help himself.

Honestly I don't know.

I feel alone and isolated and he is all I have - we moved really far away from friends and family almost a year ago and so I do feel like I do not have anyone around me and I have not spoken to anyone about this. I know i sound really pathetic but I do love him deep down - and we were a 'normal' happy family before this happened.

I do hate what he has done it has triggered some stuff within me of what i went through as a child and I am still coming to terms with it and trying to not make big decisions whilst I am so emotionally all over the place.

I also have some other stuff I am dealing with unrelated to this and its alot so I guess holding on to the remenants of my family life feels like the only option.

I think I am scared to be totally alone without him and I think that I have convinced myself he wants to bet better and that I can protect our daugher but the truth is how can you ever be 100% sure and all sorts of stuff is going through my head.

He just acts like this is not happening to us.

I feel like I have this deadline in my mind of getting to sentancing. He will be going alone to that as I have no childcare and it involves traveling overseas to court so I don't have the finances for that.

So I will stay home alone totally in the dark about things and it just seems unreal.

This forum is really the only outlet I have.

So another day and another professional visiting my home - it just feels so overwhelming and my partner is sat there expressionless and emotionaless whilst I field a whole load of questions about my parenting, my personal health history, my previous marriage and divorce.



Not one question about his previous marriage, his other grown up children or anything!

Why am I under this level of scrutiny when I have done nothing wrong?

I am seriously at a loss. Even if he left and had no contact it's like you can't put this back in the box once it's opened.

I don't even think he gets the untold hell he's leashed upon us.

Ok so had our first CP conference meeting today.

It was horrendous they accused me of not being protective in insisting my partner remains in the family home and that I was not putting the child's safety first.

They said if I continued to insist that he remains in the family home then they will take legal advice.

I am literally lost for words - all this was directed toward me.

I am being made to feel like the criminal.

He did not say much during the meeting but I could see that he had just given up.

I am worried that he will do something to harm himself.

Thankyou for your reply I appraciate it.

I think we are both coming to that realisation but it is really not as simple as him moving out. I am isolated with no family or friends around me and I rely on my partner financially.

All his family are in another country.

They are citing the lack of support network as part of the reason they cannot 'trust' that I will carry out the safety plan put in place.

The evidence for me being protective is ignored and I am the one beng treated like a criminal.

All the while I am hearing more details about his crimes from professionals rather than from my partner. It is such a mess.

Also they brought up some MH issues I had in 2013!!!!

I have raised 3 children alone since 2010 - held down a full time job in child protection and attended a full time uni course and completed 2 Msc degrees despite these 'MH' issues I have not taken any medication since 2013 or recieved any treatment and was discharged from community mental health.

Again why is this relevant?? Why are my health issues under the spotlight.