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Like so many before me I find myself here...... The club that no one wants to be in.
That said, I cannot express my heartfelt gratitude enough to those that have shared their own personal experiences, journeys and above all non judgemental words of support.
Over the last few months you have been my lifeline and made me realise that I am not alone.
So, this is my journey so far...... After 25 years of a happy, peaceful life with my partner the only major disagreement that would crop up every now and then would be his secretive use of online adult porn sites. Last year after finally cracking I asked him to seek help. He agreed, started counseling and eventually acknowledged that he had an addiction to porn.
However, I was not prepared for what came next........... Disclosure to viewing IIOC and online communication!!.......I mean...What!!
I'm guessing you are all aware of the next bit Pure Raw Emotions. Your whole world turns inside out, confusion, you don't know who your partner is anymore, you don't know who you are anymore, pain, numbness, shock, anger, self doubt, horror, disgust, sadness........etc.
What about the poor innocent victims.......How could you!
Fast forward a few months and partner self disclosed to the police. He was arrested, interviewed, devices seized and released under investigation.
What has followed since has been utterly overwhelming to say the least. The realness of it all hits you in waves and those raw emotions increase to a level you don't believe are possible.
I am supporting him through this as he has no one else he can turn to. As yet I am undecided of where our relationship as a couple will end up, but I am not going to make any hasty decisions.
He has fully engaged with his counsellor, has read books relating to porn addiction and applied to start the LFF inform plus course. He is moving in a much more positive direction and making big steps.
The most valuable parts I have taken from this forum especially in those early dark days are:
Take one day at a time.
Don't make any big decisions.
I have done nothing wrong.
I am not alone.
Thank you so much to everyone for giving me the courage to hold my head up high and get through the early stage of this nightmare.
That said, I cannot express my heartfelt gratitude enough to those that have shared their own personal experiences, journeys and above all non judgemental words of support.
Over the last few months you have been my lifeline and made me realise that I am not alone.
So, this is my journey so far...... After 25 years of a happy, peaceful life with my partner the only major disagreement that would crop up every now and then would be his secretive use of online adult porn sites. Last year after finally cracking I asked him to seek help. He agreed, started counseling and eventually acknowledged that he had an addiction to porn.
However, I was not prepared for what came next........... Disclosure to viewing IIOC and online communication!!.......I mean...What!!
I'm guessing you are all aware of the next bit Pure Raw Emotions. Your whole world turns inside out, confusion, you don't know who your partner is anymore, you don't know who you are anymore, pain, numbness, shock, anger, self doubt, horror, disgust, sadness........etc.
What about the poor innocent victims.......How could you!
Fast forward a few months and partner self disclosed to the police. He was arrested, interviewed, devices seized and released under investigation.
What has followed since has been utterly overwhelming to say the least. The realness of it all hits you in waves and those raw emotions increase to a level you don't believe are possible.
I am supporting him through this as he has no one else he can turn to. As yet I am undecided of where our relationship as a couple will end up, but I am not going to make any hasty decisions.
He has fully engaged with his counsellor, has read books relating to porn addiction and applied to start the LFF inform plus course. He is moving in a much more positive direction and making big steps.
The most valuable parts I have taken from this forum especially in those early dark days are:
Take one day at a time.
Don't make any big decisions.
I have done nothing wrong.
I am not alone.
Thank you so much to everyone for giving me the courage to hold my head up high and get through the early stage of this nightmare.
First of all how good is it he recognised his crime and disclosed it himself knowing he needed help. You sound simpler to me in the support side, my person has noone also he said himself I saved his life, although I know he's did wrong (2 convos communication with decoy no iioc) and ront condone it at all, vhes a good person who juat was mixed up, going through a bad time and held his hands up from thebstartb
Hi Nimbus
What a heartfelt post x
Everything you have said we have all experienced the same emotions
How lucky your hubby has you by his side to help him and you will know what to do when this part of the journey ends so like like you have said you dont need to rush in to make a decision to stay or leave x
Your husband has taken accountability as he self reported and that really show through by him doing that
Xx
What a heartfelt post x
Everything you have said we have all experienced the same emotions
How lucky your hubby has you by his side to help him and you will know what to do when this part of the journey ends so like like you have said you dont need to rush in to make a decision to stay or leave x
Your husband has taken accountability as he self reported and that really show through by him doing that
Xx
Thank you Newlady & Upset Mum for your kind responses, it means a lot.
It was a really difficult thing for my partner to physically walk into the police station and voluntarily own up to what he has done, but ultimately he knew that it was the right thing to do.
Although I could never imagine ever being in this situation I am so glad that he did self disclose as the alternatives are frightening.
My heart goes out to all of you who have had the traumatic experience of 'The Knock' or vigilantes, I really don't know how you get over something like that. I couldn't function for a few weeks and I at least had a bit of forewarning.
The thing that I really can't get my head around is how such a lovely person who is caring, kind hearted and would help anyone in need can do such a horrendous thing.
I know I probably won't ever get an answer to that but it still floors me when it pops into my head unexpectedly.
It was a really difficult thing for my partner to physically walk into the police station and voluntarily own up to what he has done, but ultimately he knew that it was the right thing to do.
Although I could never imagine ever being in this situation I am so glad that he did self disclose as the alternatives are frightening.
My heart goes out to all of you who have had the traumatic experience of 'The Knock' or vigilantes, I really don't know how you get over something like that. I couldn't function for a few weeks and I at least had a bit of forewarning.
The thing that I really can't get my head around is how such a lovely person who is caring, kind hearted and would help anyone in need can do such a horrendous thing.
I know I probably won't ever get an answer to that but it still floors me when it pops into my head unexpectedly.
Post like your is why love this room when you feel your alone and no one has experience this nightmare you read someone's post and feel the same it has some comfort in we are strong and hope we come though the other side and altho your post is your experience it helps people thank you
Nimbus
I think we all ask the same question
We know or we think we know our offenders and to have this bombshell dropped on us we find ourselves asking the same thing
My son had issues with his mental health I was aware and tried to get him help
But that old saying you can lead a horse to water but you cant force it to drink
I was first aware of how bad his MH was when his best friend messaged me to say he was concerned and didn't know how long he could remain friends with him so I sat with my son and told him I will stay in his room for as long as it took him to talk to me eventually he told me how he had tried to hang himself but the rope broke :-( the worst thing that you could ever imagine to hear as a mum . We got help but still I diddnt know how bad it was, he was given anti depressants and then a counsellor they did there bit but unknown to me and when I reflect on our journey it all makes sense
His secret life , how shut off he was I ask myself how did I not know
He is a good , clever, intelligent young man funny, clever and a good group of close friends so why would he go this far in to a shit journey
He has never had any self confidence, always looked at the negative side of himself he could never see what we could see
And now we are here , there are of course victims and I cannot forget them. But I will walk this journey by my sons side as do many of us why because we are mums, no matter how hard this has been I will be there for as long as I breathe
You cannot switch of your feelings or emotions, he owned what he has done from the onset, he was open and honest with the police and now he is serving his sentance
I ask myself every day if only, I have the guilt but I am there every step of the way xx
I think we all ask the same question
We know or we think we know our offenders and to have this bombshell dropped on us we find ourselves asking the same thing
My son had issues with his mental health I was aware and tried to get him help
But that old saying you can lead a horse to water but you cant force it to drink
I was first aware of how bad his MH was when his best friend messaged me to say he was concerned and didn't know how long he could remain friends with him so I sat with my son and told him I will stay in his room for as long as it took him to talk to me eventually he told me how he had tried to hang himself but the rope broke :-( the worst thing that you could ever imagine to hear as a mum . We got help but still I diddnt know how bad it was, he was given anti depressants and then a counsellor they did there bit but unknown to me and when I reflect on our journey it all makes sense
His secret life , how shut off he was I ask myself how did I not know
He is a good , clever, intelligent young man funny, clever and a good group of close friends so why would he go this far in to a shit journey
He has never had any self confidence, always looked at the negative side of himself he could never see what we could see
And now we are here , there are of course victims and I cannot forget them. But I will walk this journey by my sons side as do many of us why because we are mums, no matter how hard this has been I will be there for as long as I breathe
You cannot switch of your feelings or emotions, he owned what he has done from the onset, he was open and honest with the police and now he is serving his sentance
I ask myself every day if only, I have the guilt but I am there every step of the way xx
Oh Upset Mum, I can't imagine how tough it was hearing from your own son that he felt his only option left was to attempt to take his own life.
It's so sad that so many men and young adults feel that they are unable to open up to someone at their darkest moment.
I can feel your immense strength and fierce love for your son through your posts. Like so many have said, the offence does not define the person.
I hope that you and your daughter are doing ok and that your son can continue looking after his mental health whilst he's away from home.
It's so sad that so many men and young adults feel that they are unable to open up to someone at their darkest moment.
I can feel your immense strength and fierce love for your son through your posts. Like so many have said, the offence does not define the person.
I hope that you and your daughter are doing ok and that your son can continue looking after his mental health whilst he's away from home.
First hugs sent, extra hug to my special friend Upet.
I share many things with what's been mentioned on this thread. My sons dark side had progressed and I'm so glad he was caught as it could have been much worse. He had an addiction to painkillers and I wondered 'why', he was uneasy with people and couldn't wait, even after work, to return to his room, I wondered why. He never had a relationship with anyone, I wondered why.
Never in a million years did I think he was secretly looking at such stuff and more.
It really is a horrible journey, but I'm hoping prison will give him strength to rebuild his confidence and desperately hope at some stage he will go on a programme)s) to address why he got into this stuff in the first place.
it's so damn hard to contemplate WHY he went down this road when he 'seemed' to want for nothing in his life - but sadly 'all' / - that wasn't enough..... who knows??? I don't know and perhaps he doesn't either :(
I share many things with what's been mentioned on this thread. My sons dark side had progressed and I'm so glad he was caught as it could have been much worse. He had an addiction to painkillers and I wondered 'why', he was uneasy with people and couldn't wait, even after work, to return to his room, I wondered why. He never had a relationship with anyone, I wondered why.
Never in a million years did I think he was secretly looking at such stuff and more.
It really is a horrible journey, but I'm hoping prison will give him strength to rebuild his confidence and desperately hope at some stage he will go on a programme)s) to address why he got into this stuff in the first place.
it's so damn hard to contemplate WHY he went down this road when he 'seemed' to want for nothing in his life - but sadly 'all' / - that wasn't enough..... who knows??? I don't know and perhaps he doesn't either :(
Thank you Nimbus
This journey has definitely made me stronger there were times I thought I cant do this but I am still here and I can cope
My beautiful daughter has been my strength even though she was going through hell with all of this
This group has been my saviour and I will always be grateful
People we have never met but honestly the sheer strength of everyone has kept me sane
My son has a long journey ahead and so do we but I will walk this journey by his side and help him to rebuild when the time for him to be released xx I am so grateful he is still here as while he was under investigation for 16 months every day I thought he would take his own life he even had a suicide kit in his car :-( but he is here
Smile thank you for the hug xx
I hope you and your son are doing ok xx
This journey has definitely made me stronger there were times I thought I cant do this but I am still here and I can cope
My beautiful daughter has been my strength even though she was going through hell with all of this
This group has been my saviour and I will always be grateful
People we have never met but honestly the sheer strength of everyone has kept me sane
My son has a long journey ahead and so do we but I will walk this journey by his side and help him to rebuild when the time for him to be released xx I am so grateful he is still here as while he was under investigation for 16 months every day I thought he would take his own life he even had a suicide kit in his car :-( but he is here
Smile thank you for the hug xx
I hope you and your son are doing ok xx