Family and Friends Forum

Nattt it's a really personal decision and you don't have to rush it. I'm nearly 2 years in and still undecided. You know him, you will also have to consider the extent of what he's done, the circumstances, what he is now doing about it, whether you can trust him. Everyone's personal circumstances are different, you are the only one that can decide what is best for you and your child.

I had just given birth to our only child a few days before the knock. Bail conditions and social services refused to let him return to our home with a baby being there so that choice was kind of made for us. We are 6 months in and nothing has changed regarding bail conditions of no contact with under 16s so it's impossible to be a family regardless of feelings (things might change after sentencing, who knows) but it's a long road whatever you decide xx

I'm the same. This limbo is torture. Not knowing what's to come. Life is just on hold. Just trying to get through each day, focusing on our child and research as much as I can xx

I am also 5 1/2 pregnant and I've decided this week that I am not going to continue the relationship for reasons that I cannot trust him. I don't want to have a relationship with someone I cannot trust and bring a baby up with him. This was a new relationship of only 7 months before arrest. I am a strong independant woman who can bring up a child on my own and is more than capable and able to. I've been a single mother before with my own now teenagers. I've been in turmoil in my head as to what to do I have to put my mental health and wellbeing first so that I can continue to be the best mother I can be. My baby when they arrive will recieve plenty of love from my 2 other children and my friends. A child does not need to parents to feel safe and loved.

Since making my decision I am feeling alot more rested and finally starting to sleep better at night.

The only person who can make your decision is you!

Hey Natt,

It's very hard and I can't really resonate as I don't have kids but there are some who have stayed who do have kids. I have chosen to stay with my partner and we are a 15 months in from the knock, although it is constantly on my mind, we have managed to live a normal life since the knock whilst awaiting trial. I think the absolute key behind making a decision to stay is first of all how they've ended up where they are, whether you can forgive and whether they are willing to work on themselves. It really is down to you and how you feel along with the luck of the draw for how it all turns out. There's no rush to make a decision. Sending love xx

Nevergoingtobethesame22, I think your post demonstrates the intensely personal nature of the decision - as individuals we may feel we don't yet have all the facts or information, but in most cases we have more information and context than anyone else. When we reach the point that we feel we have enough information, we probably have a gut feeling about this and can make that informed decision that is right for us. And we will know that it is right for us, because of how we feel after we have made the decision. I would guess that is the place you find you are in now. For me, I don't yet feel I have enough information to make the decision, so I am holding off until I do. I'm waiting until I have that gut feeling about the right decision.

Just as others have said, it's a very personal decision. The unknown and waiting is the worse, it's hard to make an informed choice when you don't know the facts and realistically even after sentencing there are still unknowns.

From my own personal experience I've been full of anxiety had what I think is situational depression. My person is "inside" and I've tormented myself deciding whether I should stay or go - I realised a few things last week.

1. That I can't really make that decision until I feel like myself, so a priority for me has become to do the things I need to, to feel like myself. I read something somewhere about not making any decisions after trauma for 6 months - Although a arbitrary figure, it does sort of make sense, to allow raw emotions to settle.

2. By not leaving now, I'm effectively staying. When I accepted that for now I'm staying, but that doesn't mean I will feel the same next week, next month or next year, things became more manageable in my head and I've found some peace.

You will go through a number of stages throughout this process and at any time in those stages you might feel you know enough (about you, him, the situations, the repercussion) to carry on through that phase or take an alternative path. We all have different limits, goals, wants, desires and expectations from life and only we really know where we place value and emphasis and can therefore make the decision.

Post deleted by user

Only you can decide and its not something you have to decide straightaway.

I had my baby 2 days after sentancing.

My husband was allowed to stay home with us.

Honestly some days I still feel like leaving, some days I feel like staying.

As someone else mentioned the choice to stay or go doesn't have to be made immediately.

I don't let my hubby have unsupervised with our LO but I love seeing the relationship they have and I know if I had moved out my LO wouldn't have the same connection.

I love my husband but I hate what he's done so I have really mixed feelings that change from day to day. He has worked alot on what made him commit this time of crime, therapy, LFF courses etc and he has been very honest straight from the start which has helped.

I just take each day as it comes and know that if I choose to leave in the future that is still an option to me. Nothing is set in stone

You will invariably feel a whole host of different emotions, please take care of yourself and reach out on this forum if you are struggling.

Hi,

I was 3 months pregnant at the knock and also have teenagers from a previous relationship. I ended our relationship on the day of the knock but 2 years on I'm now exploring options for us. I think, lack of information and an overwhelming fear that any involvement from ss meant that I'd lose my children caused me to make decisions that weren't right for me. If I could do things differently I would have said from the start that I don't know what our relationship looks like moving forward and left it open. It's important to remember that you're not choosing him over your child if you stay in a relationship, you may be made to feel like that but if you have a robust safety plan in place and follow it you will be fine xx