This is my first post
Notifications OFF
This is my first post and it's taken a lot of strength for me to write here after reading - it's 12 weeks today since we had the knock.
I had previously caught my fiance watching porn throughout our 5 year relationship. I never realised this was an addiction. I understand the lead investigator should be finishing looking through the images found on the seized devices in the next few weeks.
I have spoken with the helpline who have been amazing and confided in a friend the day it happened who no longer knew how to talk to me as she didn't understand how I could stay with him. He is not attracted to children and is seeking help through undertaking the course and seeing a counsellor.
Everything is booked for our wedding in September in America - it's just us. Family continue to ask questions about our plans and it's killing me. I have no idea whether to continue with the wedding, knowing it won't be the happiest day of my life and there will be an inevitable point of disclosing to our families. But then again..if he is placed on the register or worse, our life will be put on hold so it could be the last bit of normality or opportunity to travel to America for years.
I have up and down days but today is definitely a down one.
I had previously caught my fiance watching porn throughout our 5 year relationship. I never realised this was an addiction. I understand the lead investigator should be finishing looking through the images found on the seized devices in the next few weeks.
I have spoken with the helpline who have been amazing and confided in a friend the day it happened who no longer knew how to talk to me as she didn't understand how I could stay with him. He is not attracted to children and is seeking help through undertaking the course and seeing a counsellor.
Everything is booked for our wedding in September in America - it's just us. Family continue to ask questions about our plans and it's killing me. I have no idea whether to continue with the wedding, knowing it won't be the happiest day of my life and there will be an inevitable point of disclosing to our families. But then again..if he is placed on the register or worse, our life will be put on hold so it could be the last bit of normality or opportunity to travel to America for years.
I have up and down days but today is definitely a down one.
Hi Fragile Fiance
Firstly well done for posting and sorry you find yourself here but it is the best place to get help and support
This is so new for you so your emotions are all over the place but honestly it is normal to feel the way you are
Keep coming on here as we are all on the same journey just different stages
Hugs sent xx
Firstly well done for posting and sorry you find yourself here but it is the best place to get help and support
This is so new for you so your emotions are all over the place but honestly it is normal to feel the way you are
Keep coming on here as we are all on the same journey just different stages
Hugs sent xx
Honey I can feel your pain and I was the same, wedding booked abroad, i cancelled because I didn't know who he was anymore and I'd have to be 100% certain for marriage as we were both married b4, but we are 15 months down the line, he's working on himself with a lot of ups and diwn I still hvnt decided if I'm gonna even be in a relationship with him yet, so take your time, don't make any major decisions yet as it's early days. Sounds like your both started well xx
Just found out now that his bail has been extended to the date we were due to fly...I guess that's made the decision for me about not getting married this year and the inevitable disclosure I'll have to make to my parents.
This feels so horrendous. I read what Bitterbean wrote about the worry of what parents/family will think of me for the last 3 months of not saying anything, either assuming I'm stupid, deluded or sympathetic to what he's done which I'm not. But as well as being the man that looks for more and more explicit material, he's also the same man who supports me and does little DIY things for my parents because he's caring right?
This feels so horrendous. I read what Bitterbean wrote about the worry of what parents/family will think of me for the last 3 months of not saying anything, either assuming I'm stupid, deluded or sympathetic to what he's done which I'm not. But as well as being the man that looks for more and more explicit material, he's also the same man who supports me and does little DIY things for my parents because he's caring right?
Yes, tgars right but only yiu can answer that. Listen I told everyone the Wedding was off because I caught him. Online talking to other girls, I wasn't lying, he was but they were 14 years old and he was arrested, worse night of my life apart from. Loosing my twin. I really don't think it's anyone else's business what goes on in my family. I know your head is spinning with questions right now, believe me mine still dues, but it does get a bit easier,. Take the time to think things through, as long as you need b4 telling anyone unless you can trust them and see if he's gonna put in the hard work and how remorseful he is to deserve you staying. I'm not gonna lie it's bloody hard but it's your life and only your decision. Meanwhile take some time out for you, keep ringing helpline and talking to us, we are here for you xx
Heya Fragile,
I can tell you're very strong from your post, but also uncertain.
Porn is a difficult thing because some people (including me in the past) don't like their partners watching it. However it can be a very freeing thing for someone to do. However that's not what you're hear for.
These cases can last a very long time from start to finish. My partner case has only just been resolved and it was 20 months long. So you may want to take that into consideration when deciding whether to get married or not.
I wanted to let you know that if your case is resolved before your wedding, your partner won't be able to get into America unfortunately. I know it's not what you want to hear but it's not worth you continuing to plan your wedding abroad if your partner isn't there. America has very strict entry regulations and an in offence like this is a no go for them, as is Australia.
Do you know the scope of his offence ?
I can tell you're very strong from your post, but also uncertain.
Porn is a difficult thing because some people (including me in the past) don't like their partners watching it. However it can be a very freeing thing for someone to do. However that's not what you're hear for.
These cases can last a very long time from start to finish. My partner case has only just been resolved and it was 20 months long. So you may want to take that into consideration when deciding whether to get married or not.
I wanted to let you know that if your case is resolved before your wedding, your partner won't be able to get into America unfortunately. I know it's not what you want to hear but it's not worth you continuing to plan your wedding abroad if your partner isn't there. America has very strict entry regulations and an in offence like this is a no go for them, as is Australia.
Do you know the scope of his offence ?
It's all making and possession, I believe. He's been very open since the arrest and has even said it was quite a relief in a way - he doesn't want to be like this and is undertaking the course with LFF and counselling.
I'm not prudish when it comes to porn - I'd rather than person I was with didn't watch it especially when our intimacy life wasn't what I wanted it to be. But the addiction is something I've understood more through this process and how it can escalate to illegal images.
The decision whether to get married has been made for me (which is somewhat a relief as I was finding the decision impossible). I understand America is super strict about entry for these crimes so I guess, if we're still together (I've said I could change my mind whether to stay or not) then we'd have to wait until he's served whatever sentence and off the register to do it. I have been married before which ended when he said he no longer loved me or found me attractive so my self-esteem is already pretty rock bottom.
I spoke with the investigating officer who confirmed they're half way through looking through all images found on the devices but they have found illegal images and confirmed there is one/some in Cat A - I was told not to necessarily think the very worst in this category as it's so wide.
Given the wedding isn't happening as the bail date is on the same day as the flight, the decision around telling my parents has also been made for me. This is the thing that terrifies me. I didn't speak to them for 5 years as my ex was controlling - my fiance was actually the one who brought us together again so they absolutely adore him. This will break them too and I hate that.
I'm not prudish when it comes to porn - I'd rather than person I was with didn't watch it especially when our intimacy life wasn't what I wanted it to be. But the addiction is something I've understood more through this process and how it can escalate to illegal images.
The decision whether to get married has been made for me (which is somewhat a relief as I was finding the decision impossible). I understand America is super strict about entry for these crimes so I guess, if we're still together (I've said I could change my mind whether to stay or not) then we'd have to wait until he's served whatever sentence and off the register to do it. I have been married before which ended when he said he no longer loved me or found me attractive so my self-esteem is already pretty rock bottom.
I spoke with the investigating officer who confirmed they're half way through looking through all images found on the devices but they have found illegal images and confirmed there is one/some in Cat A - I was told not to necessarily think the very worst in this category as it's so wide.
Given the wedding isn't happening as the bail date is on the same day as the flight, the decision around telling my parents has also been made for me. This is the thing that terrifies me. I didn't speak to them for 5 years as my ex was controlling - my fiance was actually the one who brought us together again so they absolutely adore him. This will break them too and I hate that.
Do you really need to tell them yet? I suppose they'll want to know why the wedding is cancelled. My person is still on bail 14 months later has had 4 court dates no evidence sent across yet been a nightmare, so you've plenty of time to decide xx
Also sounds like he really does want to get help and he's really doing his best bless him. Take your time together and decide what your going to tell them or if yet xx
Thank you so much. You have no idea how helpful it is to read your replies.
I guess my need/urgency to tell them is so I don't have to lie when they ask about the wedding or lie about why the wedding won't be happening. In my frazzled head, I know it won't be this weekend as I don't want to ruin Father's Day so potentially next Saturday when I can spend time with them, that's if they don't kick me out..who knows.
We've created a little tradition of having takeaway tea and playing board games with them weekly and that makes me sad that it'll likely stop. Overwhelmingly sad. x x
I guess my need/urgency to tell them is so I don't have to lie when they ask about the wedding or lie about why the wedding won't be happening. In my frazzled head, I know it won't be this weekend as I don't want to ruin Father's Day so potentially next Saturday when I can spend time with them, that's if they don't kick me out..who knows.
We've created a little tradition of having takeaway tea and playing board games with them weekly and that makes me sad that it'll likely stop. Overwhelmingly sad. x x
Hi,
I just wanted to give you a bit of hope...my husband has been sentenced now but my parents new from the day of the knock. His parents found out later, now our siblings and close friends know as well. They have all been nothing but supportive, we are actually now all closer as a family.
Knowing why this happened, porn addiction, depression etc. and him putting all the work in to help himself and us has really helped.
I know this ain't the case for everyone and it's scary to have everyone know, no one condones what he has done or has completely forgiven him for what we are going through. But they are all there for us
sorry about your wedding, it's another really awful thing to happen xxx
I just wanted to give you a bit of hope...my husband has been sentenced now but my parents new from the day of the knock. His parents found out later, now our siblings and close friends know as well. They have all been nothing but supportive, we are actually now all closer as a family.
Knowing why this happened, porn addiction, depression etc. and him putting all the work in to help himself and us has really helped.
I know this ain't the case for everyone and it's scary to have everyone know, no one condones what he has done or has completely forgiven him for what we are going through. But they are all there for us
sorry about your wedding, it's another really awful thing to happen xxx
I found myself in a difficult decision of having to tell my parents. I was due to start IVF just 2 weeks after I found out and was due to move to the other side of the country. At the time I didn't know what I wanted for our relationship and but I also knew I wanted to help him sort the practical things in prep for a custodial in a matter of weeks /months time (he was arrested before we got together and didn't tell me until he was charged). I felt I need to tell them, as they've have asked questions about the IVF and move and I didn't want to lie (and I'd have to tell them something) .
In hindsight I don't think I'd have coped without them, I was (am) grieving so much. They've been great, they are concerned about what a future with him will be like for me, the consequences and the loss that will come with that, but they understand I love him, that there is more to him than this crime and most importantly that right now I need their support - They are more concerned about what support I need than the offence he's committed.
In hindsight I don't think I'd have coped without them, I was (am) grieving so much. They've been great, they are concerned about what a future with him will be like for me, the consequences and the loss that will come with that, but they understand I love him, that there is more to him than this crime and most importantly that right now I need their support - They are more concerned about what support I need than the offence he's committed.