Heart broken again
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It's been 7 months since the knock.
My husband of 21 years was arrested linked to IIOC. He left our home (20 year old and 13 year old live with us). I'm 100% satisfied that that nothing ever happened with my children.
After 5 weeks of no contact at my instigation I started speaking to him again, then I went on to visit him and gradually allowed him to see our children. We were still waiting to hear from CPS but got into a gradual routine of me visiting him twice a week amd staying in a hotel 1 night each month. As long as he wasn't sent to prison I was going to have him come home, support him as I have been and try to make me good life together. I love him. I married him at 16 and have never even kissed anyone else, it's always been him.
Last Saturday night, we stayed away for the night. I woke during the night and tossed and turned and stressed like im sure we all do. I haven't in all these months but, I thought I would check his phone. He had left a window open that was on Google. He had googled something that I man in his position shouldn't have. Not illegal but immoral and something which in his situation, anyone sane wouldn't dream of looking at. I packed up and left while he was still asleep. I called him once I was gone and told him not to contact me or my children and then blocked his number. He won't come near us if I don't want him to.
I am even more devastated than after the knock. He did this knowing exactly what he was risking. He knows what it has done to me and to our daughter whom I couldn't protect from the details the 1st time round. He is suffering being away from us apparently yet, he still did it, knowing that later that day he would be with me and able to talk to me. Apparently this whole thing from the start was to "punish" himself amd make him self feel bad. I no longer believe that, I think he finds children and young teenagers (still children!) Sexually attractive. I am absolutely shattered and can't seem to get my head straight. All I know is I can't be with a man like that. Now I have seen something that his own hands typed in, I can't go back from that.
I just don't know what to do to distract myself. Nothing I usually fo is working and I'm lost
My husband of 21 years was arrested linked to IIOC. He left our home (20 year old and 13 year old live with us). I'm 100% satisfied that that nothing ever happened with my children.
After 5 weeks of no contact at my instigation I started speaking to him again, then I went on to visit him and gradually allowed him to see our children. We were still waiting to hear from CPS but got into a gradual routine of me visiting him twice a week amd staying in a hotel 1 night each month. As long as he wasn't sent to prison I was going to have him come home, support him as I have been and try to make me good life together. I love him. I married him at 16 and have never even kissed anyone else, it's always been him.
Last Saturday night, we stayed away for the night. I woke during the night and tossed and turned and stressed like im sure we all do. I haven't in all these months but, I thought I would check his phone. He had left a window open that was on Google. He had googled something that I man in his position shouldn't have. Not illegal but immoral and something which in his situation, anyone sane wouldn't dream of looking at. I packed up and left while he was still asleep. I called him once I was gone and told him not to contact me or my children and then blocked his number. He won't come near us if I don't want him to.
I am even more devastated than after the knock. He did this knowing exactly what he was risking. He knows what it has done to me and to our daughter whom I couldn't protect from the details the 1st time round. He is suffering being away from us apparently yet, he still did it, knowing that later that day he would be with me and able to talk to me. Apparently this whole thing from the start was to "punish" himself amd make him self feel bad. I no longer believe that, I think he finds children and young teenagers (still children!) Sexually attractive. I am absolutely shattered and can't seem to get my head straight. All I know is I can't be with a man like that. Now I have seen something that his own hands typed in, I can't go back from that.
I just don't know what to do to distract myself. Nothing I usually fo is working and I'm lost
Hi Annamarie
Firstly I am so sorry to read your post it must have been such a shock
Has he done anything since the knock to address his behaviour?
Have you confronted him to what you found?
I dont have much advice to offer other than maybe contact the helpline I am sure they can give you some advice
Sending hugs to you xx
Firstly I am so sorry to read your post it must have been such a shock
Has he done anything since the knock to address his behaviour?
Have you confronted him to what you found?
I dont have much advice to offer other than maybe contact the helpline I am sure they can give you some advice
Sending hugs to you xx
I'm sorry you find yourself here.
I wouldn't necessarily jump to that he had a attraction to children (although he may do). Sometimes it is the chase or the taboo/ needing to watch more extreme things.
When I was questioning whether my person had any attraction to children my therapist gave me some useful links to read and watch that talk about pedophilia. If he genuinely does it is very sad and may be something he will struggle to control in terms of wanting to seek a way to explore this and he would really benefit from talking to someone about this. From having done some reading on this I have a new found sympathy for anyone that does genuinely have a primary interest in this because it's a desire that can never and should never be acted upon, yet support isn't easy to come by because of the stigma. No one would choose to have this "sexual orientation".
I completely understand how you feel regarding finding things on his phone that make you think the enormity of the the situation and the issues he needs to address not sinking in. For me and my person, I believe he offended because he chased a taboo/ the next high and that could have pretty much been anything that someone else enthusiastically presented to him. I was suprised my person still wanted to do some things we did sexually given that it would all be wrapped up in the same sexual sphere of chasing some sort of high (he had the knock before we met, didn't tell me about it until he was charged - Our sex life became non existant but I was so confused about what we'd done together whilst this was hanging over him). My partner was charged and sentenced for a communication offence and I too find it extremely difficult to process the things he said in the conversation - As you say, the physical act of typing that takes a really conscious effort to do so and not just accidently stumbling upon.
If your partner isn't attracted to children but it is something that has come about as a result of general porn addiction - Many addicts act in ways to self sooth and that are destructive and doing what he's been accused of would do this.
I'd really recommend that you speak to someone professional about this. Stop So will recommend a local therapist to you, you can talk openly with them about what you know about what he's accused of and what you've seen on his phone - In times like this and situations so complex, it's really helpful to be able to talk to someone completely openly.
I wouldn't necessarily jump to that he had a attraction to children (although he may do). Sometimes it is the chase or the taboo/ needing to watch more extreme things.
When I was questioning whether my person had any attraction to children my therapist gave me some useful links to read and watch that talk about pedophilia. If he genuinely does it is very sad and may be something he will struggle to control in terms of wanting to seek a way to explore this and he would really benefit from talking to someone about this. From having done some reading on this I have a new found sympathy for anyone that does genuinely have a primary interest in this because it's a desire that can never and should never be acted upon, yet support isn't easy to come by because of the stigma. No one would choose to have this "sexual orientation".
I completely understand how you feel regarding finding things on his phone that make you think the enormity of the the situation and the issues he needs to address not sinking in. For me and my person, I believe he offended because he chased a taboo/ the next high and that could have pretty much been anything that someone else enthusiastically presented to him. I was suprised my person still wanted to do some things we did sexually given that it would all be wrapped up in the same sexual sphere of chasing some sort of high (he had the knock before we met, didn't tell me about it until he was charged - Our sex life became non existant but I was so confused about what we'd done together whilst this was hanging over him). My partner was charged and sentenced for a communication offence and I too find it extremely difficult to process the things he said in the conversation - As you say, the physical act of typing that takes a really conscious effort to do so and not just accidently stumbling upon.
If your partner isn't attracted to children but it is something that has come about as a result of general porn addiction - Many addicts act in ways to self sooth and that are destructive and doing what he's been accused of would do this.
I'd really recommend that you speak to someone professional about this. Stop So will recommend a local therapist to you, you can talk openly with them about what you know about what he's accused of and what you've seen on his phone - In times like this and situations so complex, it's really helpful to be able to talk to someone completely openly.