New to the roller coaster of horror
Notifications OFF
Hi, I have been lurking on here since it all happened for us. Forgive lengthy post.
I still cannot believe this is actually part of my life. The arrest at home was totally traumatising. In one moment I lost my much loved partner and relationship (although I find that I still love him and am supporting him), became a single parent, lost all my hopes and ambitions for my family's future, lost any sense of 'normality', any prospect of ever feeling happiness again - the list goes on.
I am totally exhausted, devasted, horrified, repulsed, heartbroken, so so so so sad, angry, furious, confused, sickened, ashamed (not of anything I've done, but by association) and completely and utterly terrified.
I'm pretty much alone. I have told a few close family members and one friend limited amounts of information, and while they are supportive of me, they have kept their distance. Quite rightly, they are stunned, upset and appalled.
As someone who has never lied or kept secrets, I'm finding it total agony to know that I will have to bear this and manage the knowledge and information associated with our family for the rest of our lives.
Two months in, I'm still waking at 3.30-4.30am every day with my mind consumed by the situation and the horror on so many levels. I've forgotten how to think about anything else.
I know there will be life on the other side, but it's going to be a hideous journey, and I will be a single parent to kids with a criminal for a father, not the happy family future I had thought we were looking forward to sharing.
I have found it incredible that there is no 'playbook' for partners and families - noone in authority has offered any guidance or support - our sentence as a family begain in that moment or arrest. My world has been absolutely detonated, and I've been left to find my way through a situation and course of events that I know absolutely nothing about and never imagined would be part of my life. SW has still yet to complete initial assessment.
Partner/ex is full of remorse - very relieved it has stopped, and no compulsion, interest or draw to going back to online activity. He started therapy and sought other support immediately. Because of work I can't find the time to get through to Stop It Now by phone or chat. I know so many here has/is going through the same. What a cruel, cruel place to find ourselves in.
I still cannot believe this is actually part of my life. The arrest at home was totally traumatising. In one moment I lost my much loved partner and relationship (although I find that I still love him and am supporting him), became a single parent, lost all my hopes and ambitions for my family's future, lost any sense of 'normality', any prospect of ever feeling happiness again - the list goes on.
I am totally exhausted, devasted, horrified, repulsed, heartbroken, so so so so sad, angry, furious, confused, sickened, ashamed (not of anything I've done, but by association) and completely and utterly terrified.
I'm pretty much alone. I have told a few close family members and one friend limited amounts of information, and while they are supportive of me, they have kept their distance. Quite rightly, they are stunned, upset and appalled.
As someone who has never lied or kept secrets, I'm finding it total agony to know that I will have to bear this and manage the knowledge and information associated with our family for the rest of our lives.
Two months in, I'm still waking at 3.30-4.30am every day with my mind consumed by the situation and the horror on so many levels. I've forgotten how to think about anything else.
I know there will be life on the other side, but it's going to be a hideous journey, and I will be a single parent to kids with a criminal for a father, not the happy family future I had thought we were looking forward to sharing.
I have found it incredible that there is no 'playbook' for partners and families - noone in authority has offered any guidance or support - our sentence as a family begain in that moment or arrest. My world has been absolutely detonated, and I've been left to find my way through a situation and course of events that I know absolutely nothing about and never imagined would be part of my life. SW has still yet to complete initial assessment.
Partner/ex is full of remorse - very relieved it has stopped, and no compulsion, interest or draw to going back to online activity. He started therapy and sought other support immediately. Because of work I can't find the time to get through to Stop It Now by phone or chat. I know so many here has/is going through the same. What a cruel, cruel place to find ourselves in.
Sorry you find yourself here. I understand the shock I was at home too with our two children.
you really need to look after yourself and get some support. Can you talk to your doctor about taking some time off work so you have the time to call the helpline.
you really need to look after yourself and get some support. Can you talk to your doctor about taking some time off work so you have the time to call the helpline.
Hi in tatters, just wanted to say I completely understand every single thing you saud and how you feel. To me, when the knock happened it felt like an explosion and me and my family were surviveers. No support whatsoever, I had to find this forem myself through Google search. Have you spoke to your gp about getting help for yourself? I found mine very sympathetic, I now have a mental health nurse and have changed meds which have really helped. It's so hard to be positive when it's all so raw for you, I had all those feelings too, I still wonder, after 15 months if I'll ever be happy they way ibwas, but after counselling I've excepted I can't change what happened and that part of my life is over, while I'm still supporting my person, I'm looking after me now. I get it about work, and surprisingly it's the onky thing going right. I hate the lies too but to me it's nobodies business but ours. I've managed to be on my own now, I did it b4 though after my first marriage, so I'm strong because of tgat and you will be too i promise. Please look after you and let him continue help himself through this complex crime. Big hugs my love xxx
Bless you In Tatters - you've worded it so clearly, a place where we've all been. It struck a chord when you said your world had been detonated / how very true that is.
I feel so very sad for you ladies with children, it's such a struggle bringing up a family normally - you deserve a gold medal as you struggle through this on top.
All I can offer is my thoughts and one big hug - you mums are all top class !
I feel so very sad for you ladies with children, it's such a struggle bringing up a family normally - you deserve a gold medal as you struggle through this on top.
All I can offer is my thoughts and one big hug - you mums are all top class !
Hello Tatters,
You're description on how you feel resonates deeply with me, and I'm sure lots of others here.
There really is nothing else like it. It's the most horrendous pain to be in.
I find myself looking at my friends and thinking 'if only you knew...' but its important to protect your family right now.
It's very tricky getting through on the helpline, in the end I literally put an evening on my calendar and set it aside to ring up. I will do the same this week.
Sending you lots of love and strength.xxx
You're description on how you feel resonates deeply with me, and I'm sure lots of others here.
There really is nothing else like it. It's the most horrendous pain to be in.
I find myself looking at my friends and thinking 'if only you knew...' but its important to protect your family right now.
It's very tricky getting through on the helpline, in the end I literally put an evening on my calendar and set it aside to ring up. I will do the same this week.
Sending you lots of love and strength.xxx
Hi Intatters,
I am so sorry you find yourself here. It is a place no one could ever imagine being. Your post sums up the situation so eloquently. I do not have children, but I do so feel for all mothers going through this ordeal.
I am totally committed to changing things to make sure we are all recognised as victims, and that support is made available to us. I am continually communicating with my MP and highlighting the lack of support at every step. Fortunately he is taking it seriously. I suggest that you write to yours, only when and if you have the energy, the more voices the more power.
Last week I had a copy of a letter written by my MP to the justice minister. Here it is,
"Rt Hon Dominic Raab MP
Lord Chancellor and Secretary of State for Justice
Ministry of Justice
102 Petty France
LONDON
SW1H 9AJ
In December in the House I raised the plight of relatives of those convicted of sex crimes and the
activities of vigilantes;
https://www.theyworkforvou.com/debates/Pid=2021-12-07c.353.4
I would be grateful if you could say what plans ministers now have for including those who suffer
from the crimes of their relatives in the definition of victims of crime and how they will deal with
the misery caused to them by self appointed vigilantes including publication of databases of
offenders' addresses.
Thank you for your help."
I am also working with my GP and practice team, and also continuing to badger anyone I can! This is actually giving me an outlet for my fears/concerns.
I hope this will encourage everyone to know that change WILL happen....no one deserves to have their world destroyed and be left with no support, through no fault of theirs.
You will make it through, you will come through it stronger than you ever knew. Put yourself and your children first. Practice self care, allow yourself to feel however you need to! I'm nearly 3 years in, husband has completed prison sentence and we remain separated. I have lost trust in him, and respect for him. However, I want to honour the happy years we had together. They were real and true. I now feel calm and peaceful. I live alone, but I can see the positives in that. I make the most of life, as we know, tomorrow is never guaranteed.
xxxx
I am so sorry you find yourself here. It is a place no one could ever imagine being. Your post sums up the situation so eloquently. I do not have children, but I do so feel for all mothers going through this ordeal.
I am totally committed to changing things to make sure we are all recognised as victims, and that support is made available to us. I am continually communicating with my MP and highlighting the lack of support at every step. Fortunately he is taking it seriously. I suggest that you write to yours, only when and if you have the energy, the more voices the more power.
Last week I had a copy of a letter written by my MP to the justice minister. Here it is,
"Rt Hon Dominic Raab MP
Lord Chancellor and Secretary of State for Justice
Ministry of Justice
102 Petty France
LONDON
SW1H 9AJ
In December in the House I raised the plight of relatives of those convicted of sex crimes and the
activities of vigilantes;
https://www.theyworkforvou.com/debates/Pid=2021-12-07c.353.4
I would be grateful if you could say what plans ministers now have for including those who suffer
from the crimes of their relatives in the definition of victims of crime and how they will deal with
the misery caused to them by self appointed vigilantes including publication of databases of
offenders' addresses.
Thank you for your help."
I am also working with my GP and practice team, and also continuing to badger anyone I can! This is actually giving me an outlet for my fears/concerns.
I hope this will encourage everyone to know that change WILL happen....no one deserves to have their world destroyed and be left with no support, through no fault of theirs.
You will make it through, you will come through it stronger than you ever knew. Put yourself and your children first. Practice self care, allow yourself to feel however you need to! I'm nearly 3 years in, husband has completed prison sentence and we remain separated. I have lost trust in him, and respect for him. However, I want to honour the happy years we had together. They were real and true. I now feel calm and peaceful. I live alone, but I can see the positives in that. I make the most of life, as we know, tomorrow is never guaranteed.
xxxx
Ahhh well done Tabs.
This is a great idea, I think I will write to him as well.
mabel xx
This is a great idea, I think I will write to him as well.
mabel xx
Thank you for your kind words and assurances. I know I can be strong enough to get through to the other side, but the real heart-wrenching pain is that my innocent, kind, thoughtful and clever boys will have to go through such hurt, feelings of being let down, confusion, anxiety and stress at their formative ages (13 and 11). Thinking of the impact on them for the rest of their lives is just devastating. They love and need their dad. It's just beyond awful.
Afternoon InTatters
So sorry you have joined us in this forum and well done for telling us of your journey
My heart goes out to you having a young family, my son was the offender in my case
The emotions are so normal to us all and it is such an emotional rollercoaster so.please make sure you look after yourself first as you need to be strong for your boys xx
Tabs honestly what you are doing is amazing xx
So sorry you have joined us in this forum and well done for telling us of your journey
My heart goes out to you having a young family, my son was the offender in my case
The emotions are so normal to us all and it is such an emotional rollercoaster so.please make sure you look after yourself first as you need to be strong for your boys xx
Tabs honestly what you are doing is amazing xx
Tabs - your reply post here has uplifted me so much!! You are amazing!!
Xx
Xx
Thank you, but I'm not amazing at all! I am just trying to make the most of my unique position. I am very aware that the vigilante livestream of husband has meant that my situation is very public, I was not able to live a 'normal' life or hide my secret. After initially locking myself away in shock and shame and in fear, I realised that I was an indirect victim and I had done nothing to be ashamed about and was deserving of support and kindness, as are all of us. So, I want to use that lack of privacy, and the fact that I live alone and therefore have the time, to do some good for those that will follow.
I know that everyone does what they can, we all do it in different ways.
In fact, we are ALL amazing, we are all dealing with the worst and are surviving!
xxxx
I know that everyone does what they can, we all do it in different ways.
In fact, we are ALL amazing, we are all dealing with the worst and are surviving!
xxxx
My sutuatiin is similar but although the knock was last July I didn't find out the real horror until sentencing in March. I didn't even realise that crime existed until Feb time when I guessed what it was.
it will be bumpy, take lots of deep breaths, make decisions when you feel able and be kind to yourself. Those kids will get you through it and my kids have been life saving.
I send you massivs hugs
it will be bumpy, take lots of deep breaths, make decisions when you feel able and be kind to yourself. Those kids will get you through it and my kids have been life saving.
I send you massivs hugs
Wow tabs go you!