Family and Friends Forum

I have been estranged from my husband since Christmas when we had the knock. We only spoke on the phone as I was in a different country with our baby staying with my family for support whiles we sold our home in Scotland(husband lost his job after arrest). Bail conditions don't allow him to see our baby. I was having counselling since January.

Recently I moved back to Scotland where he is from and we met up to talk in person after 6 months. It was nice to see that he's doing ok but I didn't have any good feelings for my husband. It even felt a bit awkward at times. He has started the Inform Plus course and he wants to try marriage counselling and be a little family in the future.

I can't move passed the bitterness. It started with porn addiction/compulsive masterbation when he hit puberty and then he stopped when we met. When he was furloughed during covid he downloaded KIK and started watching porn again. THEN chatting to many women, sending and receiving videos, cyber sex etc and it all ended with "The Knock" a few days after I gave birth.

I think separating for months after the arrest has really had a massive impact. I don't feel like a married woman anymore. Im raising our child alone without him and I just can't stop feeling with our home sold there's nothing to keep us together now. Theres no trust. He was having cyber sex all through my pregnancy and destroyed my first experience of being a mum and we waited years for a child.

It might be wrong but I'm equally as angry about all the infidelity as I am for the reason he was arrested. Years ago I left my family, friends, job to be with him in Scotland and make a life together. We saved every penny for years to afford the wedding which he then just threw away after we got married and finally bought a home.

I've lost my respect for him and I'm tired. I told him I can't depend on him to do the right thing and that is scary to me. I feel like I made all the sacrifices for this lovely little life we had planned. I can't even be bothered trying again, nothing left in me to give.

Has anyone felt this way about their partner and tried marriage counselling and now are doing good together? How do you come back from feeling nothing?

Thanks for the quick response Lee. I would be lost without this forum. Who else could ever understand this unless you've lived it. I'm so torn about my marriage. I was really happy and settled in the UK. I thought we both were happy. He had never once mentioned porn or compulsion and was so excited about becoming a father so the police raiding our home was just a huge shock. We have so many great memories together as I'm sure everyone here has with their partner/family member. I was really proud of our marriage.

But I keep getting stuck with thoughts about the day he downloaded kik. What was going on in his brain!! Why couldn't he have played golf or phoned someone if he was struggling. Sometimes I can completely understand going back to his addiction. He was stressed about losing his job, covid, isolated and money was tight after being furloughed. But then I think about the night he first flirted online with a woman. Or the moment he sent the first explicit video of himself to a woman. Where was i? Was I downstairs making dinner? Had he come down for dinner and kissed me? Had we decided to start a family by then. What does she look like? Why was I never a thought in that moment and all the many women after that???

If you've stopped porn for years why just randomly go back to porn and start cheating one day, he has told me since that he was also happily married and didn't realise porn was a problem for him. It was just all a fantasy world to escape stress. No feelings for anyone online because they weren't real, just virtual, like watching a movie on TV...I think that's how he fell down the rabbit hole, couldn't recognise real abuse or victims etc.

I don't know if I can ever really forgive him deep down. And he doesn't have any answers yet. Only porn addiction/compulsion but then says it will never happen again. Easier said than done with addiction.

Doubt I will trust him after this but I would love a happy ending together for our little baby. I do love him but not in love because I'm too angry and betrayed. We really wanted another baby in a year or two but with our age we are running out of time. I just pray this can be salvaged and he now understands he needs to put his family first. Always

That's so true Lee. I've never thought about it like that, that it doesn't make the addict happy and consequences don't come into it because its an addiction.

I've also grilled my husband about these women. I was torturing myself thinking they were gonna look a certain way like Pamela Anderson or Katie Price if they were confident enough to be naked online. I was thinking they must be beautiful with perfect bodies if they could tempt men to be unfaithful.

I was worried that was what he's attracted to but he said the women on Kik are from all over the world and just average normal women. All ages, all sizes, all professions. there's not "a type". I found that hard to understand aswel, if they're not stunning then why throw away your marriage....but it's addiction

Thanks for responding Orchid. I'll Google bloomforwomen. Yeah there's a lot of layers to this type of crime. Tackle one thing at a time xx

Thanks for the hug upset mum. The support on this forum is just invaluable xxx