Family and Friends Forum

Just been threatened by the neighborhood

Heya Anne,

Im terrified .. mainly because I don't know how they found out. We're not in the papers... We're not on the register online... Someone from the police department has let it slip I think ...

They're gonna come over later and they said they're gonna threaten him if they catch him anywhere near their house... Which is on a pathway... A kerbside....

I've phone the police and I've also phoned his in probation officer... They're gonna see if they can come around

It hasn't been printed online anywhere but we don't get local paper printed so maybe it is there...

I called 999 and I called his probation officer who has enacted various safeguarding measures...

I now don't know whether to tell work and my dad... My partner decativated FB..

They were hanging around outside saying he needs to go ... They called me an enabler... They called him a nonce.

Yeah Lee they were standing outside my house after six of them knocked on my front door... They said they're gonna get him outta here.

The police have put a marker on our house now and will be sending random police patrols throughout the weekend.

Maybe it's the local printed paper then... I've been checking the local paper online and nothing.

Thank you Lucy faithful... I have just gotten off of the phone after taking your advice and whilst I still feel panicy, the advice that was given to me was invaluable so thank you I really appreciate it.

No lee they have not been around to see us in person unfortunately. I'll see if they can do that at some point I spoke to the visor team and they've put the marker on place and the local police team will be conducting patrols as and when ...

No ... They're all council stay at home mum's so they stay at home all day... I've gone nothing against sahms.... it's just these are all Gypsy type people who give SAHMs a bad name.

II'veust been called a nonce as I drove by... They literally shouted at me.... I've done nothing wrong... My partner is getting the help he needs and in the grand scheme of things there were a lot bigger fish to fry... There's no talking to these people..I've booked into get a valuation on our house and onto the market as soon as possible .... Unfortunately we're not council or private rented.

I'm just worried I'm going to now need to tell my work and my family. Because they're capable of shouting it and why not on FB...

So they egged the house and thrown beans all at the front door when I left and throw a bike around. Countless nonces towards us .... Police have been... Unfortunately we cannot stay elsewhere because my partner has an alcohol tags and he needs to be in range of it when it updates...

Hey everyone, thanks for sending messages. I really underestimate the power of an online community...

So we asked the police and they said they would vouch for us when the probation flags up the alcohol tag when it doesn't register... They've given us a reference to use ... This means we're now safe at my in-laws house

Secondly, I've managed to take the reigns and tell my mum's side of the family. They've mostly beens okay but there are a few others from my family I haven't heard back from. I still need to talk my dad and brother but one bit at a time...

Thanks everyone...

Thanks everyone,

So we've made the decision to move ASAP and we're going to stay with his parents for a while... We're going to use a quicky sell organisation...

So now pretty much everyone knows apart from a handful of friends but I'm going to message them today.

Please please please decativate you FB account... They've been going through my friends list sending them the article telling everyone ... I didn't think this would happen but unfortunately it has...

Hey everyone update 2

So I have now to tell my work and I need him to tell his work as well and that's it.

Everyone now knows and the overwhelming support I have received from family and friends is unbelievable... They all state that they do need to to adjust, we have given them the opportunity to never see him again and that we are both absolutely respectful of that decision because it's a safeguarding issue for them.. they've just said they need time to process for a while to see how they feel about it.

Lee I should have 100% listened to you and everyone on here but I got too complacent... We were doing great too .. we were making steady progress and now my feelings of resentment and fantasy of finding a new partner and being a happy as Larry person not having to look over my shoulder... Not having to be restricted to where I can go and who I have to tell to go on holiday....

How do you all deal with that ? Literally I can just see myself with a girlfriend/ boyfriend who is not problematic and issues ridden... I'm taking time right now by myself in the bath to just be now...

I've only had a bit of grit from my siblings... They wanted to know everything about it...

Thanks Lee, I really appreciate your honesty... And your reminder that I always have a choice and I don't need to make it now... I really hope you're doing well as well, as you take care of all of us but we never stop to ask you xx

Pretty much yeah bitter, it's a whole thing.

As you are saying, it's becoming clear to me that, even without obnoxious neighbours, there is a whole new set of problems to deal with if your family member is convicted. Not only prison, fine or community service but a whole other set of interventions, intrusions and restrictions on daily life.



In my stronger moments, when I ponder on this (I am not on the other side of the court case yet) I think "I can deal with this. It won't be a big issue", but in my weaker moments, I feel I'm not willing or able to live like that, and that I will have to split with my partner.

This was exactly me, right up until Friday, more of the I can deal with this attitude actually tbh. Everything was on the up actually... Now because it's no longer a secret it's a weight but it carries a whole new set of issue in that of we move there's the constant fear of being found out.

I guess it depends on how good the relationship is: is it worth putting up with the indignities of social work, police and others poking their noses in now and then and not being able to travel abroad, or go to certain events and places because there will be children there?

Our relationship was horrible three four years ago but it was just recently getting a lot better and individually we were too. Now that everything is our there it's less of a weight to worry about SS, police and events. He just won't go if people don't want him there. Which is okay with me and him.

What if I am forced to move miles away from friends and family? My relationship hadn't been that great before the knock, and so we probably would have muddled along together, but now... I just don't know.

You don't have to move, it can be a wait and see thing like us... I'm sorry to hear your relationship was not too great before, how is it now? How has your partner shown their remorse? He has worked on himself? Have you spoken to a therapist at all?

Sometimes I feel the only thing keeping me with him is what it would do to him if I left, and also, I don't want to leave my home, I love it here and I haven't done anything wrong. And I'm fed up of covering for him and keeping secrets.

It's really unfair isn't it Bitter? Being almost forced to move home through no fault of your own... you say you're with him still because of what it would do to him... But if you take him out of the equation for just a minute... What do you want? Do you love him? Is that love enough for you to weather the storm? It's really hard to keep secrets... Especially when it's nothing to do with you...

When I write it all down I feel very selfish. But then he was selfish when he was online. Over the years, I feel like I've made enough sacrifices.

Being selfish is post bitter... In this situation it's one hundred percent okay to be selfish. Your future is your own, you choose and want to have him or not have him in it... Be selfish bitter.

.

Heya Bitter,

It sounds like you've got a massive array of emotions going on atm... I'm so sorry you're feeling all these things... What makes you think you would be throwing things away of you ended ? Would it be a bad thing because from the sounds of it things havent been that great anyway...

It's difficult to support some if you're not in a mental state to do so but he should at least try the best he can to as your partner...



The knock brought everything to a head and we had a few discussions and he has been more helpful around the house and more thoughtful and verbally supportive lately, but I think fundamentally it's not so much that I want him to change his behaviour as for him to actually be a different sort of person, which let's face it is not going to happen. Nothing happens unless I prod him.

It's great that he's been more helpful around the house, opened up a little more and been more supportive. Could I ask do you still want him, his physical appearance but just a different personality or do you want a new person all together ? I can totally feel for you wanting your partner to have a different personality, different characteristics...

I you don't mind sharing, what is he being accused of? Porn is a difficult beast to handle... Whilst most people are okay with it, everyone's personal boundaries are different. So personally I used to hate my partner using porn and toys... I shamed him for it because I took it personally... I have changed my view on this entirely because I found that it stemmed from sexual repression and my Nuerodiverse brain. I wasn't comfortable in myself so it solidified my anixety about myself and insecurities when he used other things to reliev himself. I use porn myself now... I use toys, were a lot more open about our sexual desires.. and our desires in general... Is there a particular reason you don't like your person using porn? Does he prefer to use it versus being intimate with you? That's when it become a problem in the relationship... If he cannot live without porn or can only relieve himself to porn then I'd say it's an addiction...

Has he done any work on himself at all therapy wise?

Sometimes you just need therapy to yourself, that's not about him and more about you... That's what I have done. I do discuss my partner alot but I also talk about my problems alot...

It sounds from your therapy experience, you've come to the conclusion that you could theoretically love without him and it have a positive affect on your mental health...

So what I am doing at the moment, I've decided to love by myself for 2 months... It will help me pack everything for a quick house sale and also it will give me time to find myself a little more, to be okay with who I am outside the relationship and prove that even if we are apart:

A) I want to go to back to him as opposed to feeling I am engrained in him. I need to do that because at the moment I feel as if I will only ever leave this relationship if I am forced to. That's not healthy. I need to go it alone for a while. I want to want him.

B) He can take responsibility for his own life and experience his own life for a while by himself mostly.

Maybe it might be an idea for you two both ? If you can afford to maybe you ask him to move out for a while so you can have some peace from him and the situation ?

Do you know why you would be non cooperative with the authorities ? Have you had a bad experience with them ?

Now that everything is out on the open for us, I can live with the restrictions. I do not feel like I'm hiding anything. I respect others decision as well.

If you give up on him, you start giving to yourself. One of the reason I am going to live alone for a while is because I feel like a carer, making sure he's doing a lot of things. I don't trust him to, so I need to make sure he can. It's partly because he's not proactive like I am but also because I am a caring person by my very nature.

What does his solicitor advise ? If he has a 95% chance of being convicted ?

How far along are you into the journey ?

I hope I have been of some help you to bitter yes, please just remember .. take care of yourself...

The only thing I would say is computer can be a very importer tool to help people wind down... However it comes wcondary to help their wife raise a family, take care of the house and importantly remembering to spend time with his family/partner...

Ultimately you need to care of you now. He needs to accept what's coming and also help himself in his court case.

Cloud and Lee... I absolutely take no offence to anything you've said... That would be denying your lived experience... For you both porn is a no no.... For me personally, alcohol is the bigger no no thing to address... And the alcohol tag my partner has for three months will help....

Addiction is really nasty thing... It comes in various shapes and sizes... And consume everything... There's so many other things too... But at the end of the day ... We're just looking to love those around us and support them and ourselves

I think the majority of porn is detrimental yes on younger minds, I think that the education system has a lot to answer for... The way sex education was taught in my day focused on just sex and protection and babies. There's no mention of porn... It should absolutely be spoken about, similar to this topic... If you don't talk about it, it becomes really easy to shun. When you shun it, it becomes something you take at face value rather than what it actually is, which is acting.

I think it's also takes parents to talk openly about it as well... I say this because my first experience with porn was finding my dad's magazine at the age of four and being told not to tell my mum about it. That made porn taboo and that first impression lasts on a child.

I also think there's an argument to ensure that porn is not readily available to young minds, there must be a Netflix type service out in place for this type of content. Or potentially a safeguarding scheme that relies on access to your passport number to prove you are of age. If you slow the process of getting to porn it become more difficult to access and the instant dopamine hit from the release is delayed. We do this for cigarettes and alcohol... Why not porn?

I agree it can very much destroy lives.