Personal safety
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A couple of you have expressed some concerns about your personal safety once the nature of your family member's crimes become known in the community. One of you said you were worried about having a brick thown through your window.
I completely get where you are coming from. I can remember having horrible visions of gangs of angry people marching up my drive with placards and weapons and demanding access to the 'paedophile'. As he had moved out by then and I was living on my own, it would have only been me they would have been met by. These fears feel irrational now, but at the time they were very real and powerful.
I wish the police officers who arrested my ex had taken the time to reassure me with some facts about the very remote likelihood of violent attacks. Apparently, the instances of personal attacks on family members or their property are almost unknown. The days of people forming vigilante gangs are in the past. According to an expert I spoke with (I think it may have been someone on the Stop it Now! helpline), the most likely hostile reaction I could experience would be someone putting up posters in the neighbourhood about my ex, unlikely as that might sound. And this sort of behaviour is, in itself, extremely rare.
There is no harm in making some reasonable adjustments to make you feel safer (carry a rape alarm, change your locks, make sure your windows are secure etc.) but there really isn't much chance of anyone doing anything overtly harmful to you or your property. If they did they would, of course, be committing a criminal act and you should expect to feel the weight of the law on your side. What you WILL find, I promise you, is compassion and concern from the vast majority of people when they learn about your circumstances. I think it is harder if you decide to stay with your partner: there will inevitably be people who find your perfectly understandable decision difficult to comprehend. But I don't think they are likely to do anything beyond a bit of bad-mouthing you on Facebook - check your privacy settings carefully! And I've been warned to avoid Twitter as anyone can say anything about anyone on that platform, and people can easily hide their identity if they wish to. I've never used Twitter anyway.
I completely get where you are coming from. I can remember having horrible visions of gangs of angry people marching up my drive with placards and weapons and demanding access to the 'paedophile'. As he had moved out by then and I was living on my own, it would have only been me they would have been met by. These fears feel irrational now, but at the time they were very real and powerful.
I wish the police officers who arrested my ex had taken the time to reassure me with some facts about the very remote likelihood of violent attacks. Apparently, the instances of personal attacks on family members or their property are almost unknown. The days of people forming vigilante gangs are in the past. According to an expert I spoke with (I think it may have been someone on the Stop it Now! helpline), the most likely hostile reaction I could experience would be someone putting up posters in the neighbourhood about my ex, unlikely as that might sound. And this sort of behaviour is, in itself, extremely rare.
There is no harm in making some reasonable adjustments to make you feel safer (carry a rape alarm, change your locks, make sure your windows are secure etc.) but there really isn't much chance of anyone doing anything overtly harmful to you or your property. If they did they would, of course, be committing a criminal act and you should expect to feel the weight of the law on your side. What you WILL find, I promise you, is compassion and concern from the vast majority of people when they learn about your circumstances. I think it is harder if you decide to stay with your partner: there will inevitably be people who find your perfectly understandable decision difficult to comprehend. But I don't think they are likely to do anything beyond a bit of bad-mouthing you on Facebook - check your privacy settings carefully! And I've been warned to avoid Twitter as anyone can say anything about anyone on that platform, and people can easily hide their identity if they wish to. I've never used Twitter anyway.
Hi Esther, this is really reassuring! It was me with concerns rebricks and potential spray paint graffiti etc. I am already paranoid that people already know and he hasn’t even been charged yet! There is an awful lot of stigma attached with this sort of crime and understandably so and I’m hoping it doesn’t affect my decision making regarding whether we stay together or not, but I have the kids safety to think of. This has really buoyed my spirits though and it’s lovely to read something positive. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Esther,
This is really helpful to know. I’ve already slowly started to “cull” people on Facebook who I don’t really see/speak to any more, or who I think could be poisonous in the future if/when word gets out, especially as I do hope to stay with my partner.
It’s understandable that some people won’t “get” my decision to stay with him - I know I still have waves of disgust at what he has done, but what I hope our real friends will realise is that he is still the same person we all knew, with all his good qualities, and that with the right support I hope we can put this behind us.
I really do hope that no one has to fear for their personal safety, and that as you said most people will show compassion and support for the innocent bystanders, if not the offender.
This is really helpful to know. I’ve already slowly started to “cull” people on Facebook who I don’t really see/speak to any more, or who I think could be poisonous in the future if/when word gets out, especially as I do hope to stay with my partner.
It’s understandable that some people won’t “get” my decision to stay with him - I know I still have waves of disgust at what he has done, but what I hope our real friends will realise is that he is still the same person we all knew, with all his good qualities, and that with the right support I hope we can put this behind us.
I really do hope that no one has to fear for their personal safety, and that as you said most people will show compassion and support for the innocent bystanders, if not the offender.
D, I really hope I end up with the same mindset as you. I keep wavering because I’m scared of being judged or ‘condoning’ his behaviour. I guess it’s still very early days for us and the spinning thoughts will settle over the coming weeks and months.
I still have moments Crystal, but what started out as 50/50 in the first week has become more 90/10 - I just hope that I can maintain this, and that my faith isn’t misplaced (again, I’m fairly confident about this but still have my moments!).
It’s hard because there is a stigma, you are right, but as we both know we are not condoning the behaviour by staying - we re fighting for the good that we know is in that person, and not allowing this behaviour to define them forever.
It’s hard because there is a stigma, you are right, but as we both know we are not condoning the behaviour by staying - we re fighting for the good that we know is in that person, and not allowing this behaviour to define them forever.
I'm so pleased that you are able to take some strength from what I have written and that I am able to reassure you concerning an understandable, but actually unfounded, fear. I know it is no good just saying everything will be fine regarding your safety. There are no guarantees. However, the information I have given you is based on facts and advice I was given by experts. You all have so much else to worry about at this time; I hope this is one concern you can now put to bed.
Hugs to all XXX
Hugs to all XXX
So my main concern at the moment is this potential for a vigilante backlash once my (ex) partner's crime hits the news. I am fully anticipating it being splashed across the local tabloids. I have no issue with freedom of information and press, these things are of public interest. What I do take issue with is that the press are free to print the street address of the offender without any concern or protection of whoever may be left living at the home address. I think an organisation like StopitNow could go a long way towards supporting a campaign for better protections for family members, who are, at the end of the day, victims too. My relationship with my partner firmly ended with 'the knock' and there is no chance of reconciliation. I am now living alone in the family home and feel extremely vulnerable about the media coverage and the potential consequences for me. I am somewhat reassured by the expert facts and data on this, but do people have recent experiences of the impact on them of local press coverage?
Hi Daisy, I know this is quite an old thread but like you I was outraged they could print the full address. I have worked with a charity and an MSP is looking at taking this issue to parliament to prevent it happening especially when there are children at the address. It I'd of no help to those who have suffered but a comfort to know others may not have to go through it.
Sally blue,
welcome to the forum. It’s good to have your insight. I am three months in. My biggest fear is not his name appearing in the paper but our road name. I have a four year old daughter and it makes me feel sick.
I don’t know at the time if I have the energy to move house.
Its so positive to feel people are looking at raising this in parliament x
welcome to the forum. It’s good to have your insight. I am three months in. My biggest fear is not his name appearing in the paper but our road name. I have a four year old daughter and it makes me feel sick.
I don’t know at the time if I have the energy to move house.
Its so positive to feel people are looking at raising this in parliament x
Thats very reassuring to read, thanks for sharing. Nothings ever guaranteed I know, but I'd like to put faith in this, and that people aren't as bad as I sometimes fear they will be.
(Having said that, since there's only me and him at home, I'm planning short term escapes should the nasty press hit. It makes me feel more in control if nothing else)
(Having said that, since there's only me and him at home, I'm planning short term escapes should the nasty press hit. It makes me feel more in control if nothing else)
Thats very reassuring to read, thanks for sharing. Nothings ever guaranteed I know, but I'd like to put faith in this, and that people aren't as bad as I sometimes fear they will be.
(Having said that, since there's only me and him at home, I'm planning short term escapes should the nasty press hit. It makes me feel more in control if nothing else)
(Having said that, since there's only me and him at home, I'm planning short term escapes should the nasty press hit. It makes me feel more in control if nothing else)