Separating your lives
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So,
Whilat my entire friend group and family support me, none of them remotely like my husband... I've said we can all set boundaries i.e. I won't be talking about him ever if I can help it.
Now no one has ever made my choose... But if I had to I would of course choose my husband. Yeah he's fricking idiot... What he did was a total no no... But he is not malicious, he's not a child predator and genuinely I can say without a shadow of a doubt he's my best friend.
It really hurts to have to do this but if this is what it takes, then this is what it takes.
Anyone ever had to do this with their person and their family/ friends? Any hints and tips... It's probably something to bring up with my therapist... But just want someone to say yeah I've had to do this too!
Whilat my entire friend group and family support me, none of them remotely like my husband... I've said we can all set boundaries i.e. I won't be talking about him ever if I can help it.
Now no one has ever made my choose... But if I had to I would of course choose my husband. Yeah he's fricking idiot... What he did was a total no no... But he is not malicious, he's not a child predator and genuinely I can say without a shadow of a doubt he's my best friend.
It really hurts to have to do this but if this is what it takes, then this is what it takes.
Anyone ever had to do this with their person and their family/ friends? Any hints and tips... It's probably something to bring up with my therapist... But just want someone to say yeah I've had to do this too!
Hi,
I have to do this to an extent. My older children from a previous relationship do not want anything to do with him. I ended our relationship at the knock but we're now attempting a very slow rebuild. My children live with me and will always have a home with me. If they choose never to have contact with him then that is completely their choice and I will never force the issue. They do allow conversations about him which is progress from where we were two years ago.
My friends and family know my decision to look at rebuilding, nobody has ever asked me to choose and my ex/partner has said if I stand to lose anyone he would walk away because he knows how much my family particularly mean to me. My parents and one sibling ask about him, some friends do too. Others simply don't mention him which I have to accept as where they are in their own journey. I hope that nobody ever makes you choose and wanted you to know that you can have a full life if you go to your family events without him if necessary xx
I have to do this to an extent. My older children from a previous relationship do not want anything to do with him. I ended our relationship at the knock but we're now attempting a very slow rebuild. My children live with me and will always have a home with me. If they choose never to have contact with him then that is completely their choice and I will never force the issue. They do allow conversations about him which is progress from where we were two years ago.
My friends and family know my decision to look at rebuilding, nobody has ever asked me to choose and my ex/partner has said if I stand to lose anyone he would walk away because he knows how much my family particularly mean to me. My parents and one sibling ask about him, some friends do too. Others simply don't mention him which I have to accept as where they are in their own journey. I hope that nobody ever makes you choose and wanted you to know that you can have a full life if you go to your family events without him if necessary xx
Thanks D&Pim glad to hear that you're attempting a rebuild. Does it affect you if you don't mind sharing, to not be able to talk about him in the presence of your children? It's great to hear they allow conversations with him because progress is progress !
Heres hoping that you never have to choose. My family mean the world to me but they are not my world. Neither is my husband but he's more central to my world naturally and he is my immediate family.
I won't lie, I pretty much goto family events on my own now anyway... My partner prefers it that way for several reasons and sometimes I thank heavens it's that way because as much as I would love to have him there, I'm always worried about what he's gonna say. He's Autistic and has ADHD basically so he has to heavily mask and sometimes it not effective. Plus we have the doggos to think about.
It's just really really depressing for me to think about the boundaries set... I get it and am totally fine with it logically but emotionally it hurts.
Heres hoping that you never have to choose. My family mean the world to me but they are not my world. Neither is my husband but he's more central to my world naturally and he is my immediate family.
I won't lie, I pretty much goto family events on my own now anyway... My partner prefers it that way for several reasons and sometimes I thank heavens it's that way because as much as I would love to have him there, I'm always worried about what he's gonna say. He's Autistic and has ADHD basically so he has to heavily mask and sometimes it not effective. Plus we have the doggos to think about.
It's just really really depressing for me to think about the boundaries set... I get it and am totally fine with it logically but emotionally it hurts.
Morning Blackhound - Oh how this resignates with my world. My life is now walking on a very narrow tightrope and I am totally uncomfortable with it.....
I just wish I could be truthful and open - we were given ultimatums - it would lift one hell of a burden off my shoulders BUT it's not going to happen. If it keeps me in touch with my boy - like so many folk on here us caught up in this you are forced to modify your life and change it.....
I consider it my stand, I believe it's a right decision (for me) my son has never put a foot wrong in his life before this happened. He is not a nasty lying monster - I will NEVER except that as long as I take in breath...... and that's not condoning his crime.
I just wish I could be truthful and open - we were given ultimatums - it would lift one hell of a burden off my shoulders BUT it's not going to happen. If it keeps me in touch with my boy - like so many folk on here us caught up in this you are forced to modify your life and change it.....
I consider it my stand, I believe it's a right decision (for me) my son has never put a foot wrong in his life before this happened. He is not a nasty lying monster - I will NEVER except that as long as I take in breath...... and that's not condoning his crime.
Sorry, I probably didn't explain things properly in regards to my children. The two older ones knew I would have contact with him because I was pregnant with his child and still wanted him to have contact with her. They've always known that we spoke whilst he was on remand and then since he was released and baby was born we've seen each other once a week and speak daily. In the last few months they've become comfortable with me talking about him, sharing stories about what we've done on his contact days with little one. My oldest has said she would be civil with him if she seen him (we live relatively close to where he lives with his parents). I definitely think that time is a great healer and as they gain life experience they may be able to separate the crime from the person who was a massive positive part of their lives. Am I right in thinking that your family and friends have only just found out? Everyone processes things in different ways and right now they probably see the impact his crime has had on your life and most of their anger will come from that. Try not to overthink things (easier said than done) life doesn't have to be black and white. xx
Edit; I've not considered if their feelings towards him have impacted me to be honest. On reflection, the only thing that makes me sad is that none of my family get to see how good he is with our daughter xx
Edit; I've not considered if their feelings towards him have impacted me to be honest. On reflection, the only thing that makes me sad is that none of my family get to see how good he is with our daughter xx
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Im so sorry smile, that your world is on a tightrope. I can genuinely say I really empathise and know what you're going through. I'm too and really uncomfortable with this whole situation because I feel Shane and guilt. I feel that people are supporting me but also judging me for essentially what amounts to staying.
See it's good that your son has never put a foot wrong in his life but it's so unfortunate for my person as he has, depression and alcoholism, cutting himself. It's funny my brother told me our dad thinks my husband is showing off his scars by wearing shorts .. ait couldn't possible be that he's hot and wear shorts pretty much all the time. Thats what makes thing whole thing ten times worse. People already hated my partner before this, this is the nail in the coffin.
See it's good that your son has never put a foot wrong in his life but it's so unfortunate for my person as he has, depression and alcoholism, cutting himself. It's funny my brother told me our dad thinks my husband is showing off his scars by wearing shorts .. ait couldn't possible be that he's hot and wear shorts pretty much all the time. Thats what makes thing whole thing ten times worse. People already hated my partner before this, this is the nail in the coffin.
I wondered how people would react if the narrative went something like this.
Disclosure.
Explaining the situation.
Acknowledge their concerns (for them, their family and you).
Explain how its impacted your life.
Explaining the reason you are staying and this won't change.
It sort of flips the element of choosing whether to keep you or your person on their life to them. This of course only works when you are prepared to loose people.
This is similar to how I approached it with the couple of people I disclosed to, although it wasn't staying that I was discussing it was me choosing to support him as he closed down his life in prep for prison. Thankfully the people I disclosed to were open minding and wanted to be there to support me.
If my person is still in my life after prison, I have thought this would be the way to disclose but I have questiones how much sadness I'd carry if I had to keep some elements of my life separate.
Like you, my family are important to me, but they aren't my world and although we get on and do things together, they are a small part of my life.
Disclosure.
Explaining the situation.
Acknowledge their concerns (for them, their family and you).
Explain how its impacted your life.
Explaining the reason you are staying and this won't change.
It sort of flips the element of choosing whether to keep you or your person on their life to them. This of course only works when you are prepared to loose people.
This is similar to how I approached it with the couple of people I disclosed to, although it wasn't staying that I was discussing it was me choosing to support him as he closed down his life in prep for prison. Thankfully the people I disclosed to were open minding and wanted to be there to support me.
If my person is still in my life after prison, I have thought this would be the way to disclose but I have questiones how much sadness I'd carry if I had to keep some elements of my life separate.
Like you, my family are important to me, but they aren't my world and although we get on and do things together, they are a small part of my life.
I wondered how people would react if the narrative went something like this.
Disclosure.
Explaining the situation.
Acknowledge their concerns (for them, their family and you).
Explain how its impacted your life.
Explaining the reason you are staying and this won't change.
It sort of flips the element of choosing whether to keep you or your person on their life to them. This of course only works when you are prepared to loose people.
This is similar to how I approached it with the couple of people I disclosed to, although it wasn't staying that I was discussing it was me choosing to support him as he closed down his life in prep for prison. Thankfully the people I disclosed to were open minding and wanted to be there to support me.
If my person is still in my life after prison, I have thought this would be the way to disclose but I have questiones how much sadness I'd carry if I had to keep some elements of my life separate.
Like you, my family are important to me, but they aren't my world and although we get on and do things together, they are a small part of my life.
Disclosure.
Explaining the situation.
Acknowledge their concerns (for them, their family and you).
Explain how its impacted your life.
Explaining the reason you are staying and this won't change.
It sort of flips the element of choosing whether to keep you or your person on their life to them. This of course only works when you are prepared to loose people.
This is similar to how I approached it with the couple of people I disclosed to, although it wasn't staying that I was discussing it was me choosing to support him as he closed down his life in prep for prison. Thankfully the people I disclosed to were open minding and wanted to be there to support me.
If my person is still in my life after prison, I have thought this would be the way to disclose but I have questiones how much sadness I'd carry if I had to keep some elements of my life separate.
Like you, my family are important to me, but they aren't my world and although we get on and do things together, they are a small part of my life.
My family and friends have only just found out since about late Friday ! So it's all a big bang but none of them entirely liked my partner anyway...So it's not a stretch to think that they're not gonna wanna talk to him or about him... But they never do anyway.. so it's not as if I'm gonna miss out on spending couple time together with them. It hurts to have someone say they're gonna remove themselves from the conversation if he is mentioned but I guess that's their boundary .. In time I am hoping they will change their mind but if it become too much for me I think I'm prepared to remove myself from their presence...
Im glad your eldest are coming around to him with the smallest baby steps ever... It's sad to hear and I can feel the pain that you hate the fact that your eldest childre will miss out on the experience of your youngests Child with their dad but maybe in time they will ? Fingers crossed x
Im glad your eldest are coming around to him with the smallest baby steps ever... It's sad to hear and I can feel the pain that you hate the fact that your eldest childre will miss out on the experience of your youngests Child with their dad but maybe in time they will ? Fingers crossed x
I think the key bit of that SAL is stating it won't change.. it's that bit that for me defines someone else's boundary's... So for example if I stay and say no matter what you say I won't change my mind, people then get angry they need to adjust to your choices, or they don't and you lose them from your life. you're of course right, we need to be prepared to lose people in this.
Whennyou say they were open minded, were they open minded about hearing your partner's reasons for how he ended up doing what he did ? Or open minded about your choice ? I'm finding a lot of people save a few golden people are choosing to support me but will not accept that my partner made a mistake and owned up to it.
It does make me sad and angry that I have to respect their boundary. But if I don't see them more then once every other month and chat a few times a week then I'll trial putting up with it.
My family, I love them dearly but my partner is my immediate family. People say oh well you can always leave and choose another, live a better life and whilst that's their solution for me, my partner IS not just my partner, he's my family along with the doggos.
Whennyou say they were open minded, were they open minded about hearing your partner's reasons for how he ended up doing what he did ? Or open minded about your choice ? I'm finding a lot of people save a few golden people are choosing to support me but will not accept that my partner made a mistake and owned up to it.
It does make me sad and angry that I have to respect their boundary. But if I don't see them more then once every other month and chat a few times a week then I'll trial putting up with it.
My family, I love them dearly but my partner is my immediate family. People say oh well you can always leave and choose another, live a better life and whilst that's their solution for me, my partner IS not just my partner, he's my family along with the doggos.
Hi, just been reading your post and I've been in this exact predicament. My fiance and myself had the knock last October. Worst day of my life! I was very much in 2 minds about what I wanted to do with my life and wether I wanted him in it. It took me a good month reading articles, talking, and going through things from this forum, books, videos etc to realise that things really aren't black and white. I could see the remorse, he had also tried to commit suicide 2 weeks previous to the knock because of the guilt and no where to turn. At the time, I didn't know the reason why he had done that, but it all makes sense now.
However, my decision to stay with him, stand by him, my friends have left, my family no longer talk to me. The only person sticking by me is my daughter who is 19. She's been my absolute rock! It really saddens me that however much I try and explain the situation and how I've come to my decision, they don't really want to know. They have one thing in their head about who he is and what he's done, but they don't see between the lines, and worst part, don't want to. I don't know wether they will ever talk or see me again, and that really really pains me. But I have to think about myself, about how I'm going to live my life, who's always there for me when my house door closes in the night. I have got to split myself in 2 between my partner and my daughter as she still lives with me and he moved into his own place last month. Its hard, but it's the only way forward at the moment and I just feel blessed to be able to have time with both of them. I'm sure over time things might get better, but for now, things just need to go day by day.
However, my decision to stay with him, stand by him, my friends have left, my family no longer talk to me. The only person sticking by me is my daughter who is 19. She's been my absolute rock! It really saddens me that however much I try and explain the situation and how I've come to my decision, they don't really want to know. They have one thing in their head about who he is and what he's done, but they don't see between the lines, and worst part, don't want to. I don't know wether they will ever talk or see me again, and that really really pains me. But I have to think about myself, about how I'm going to live my life, who's always there for me when my house door closes in the night. I have got to split myself in 2 between my partner and my daughter as she still lives with me and he moved into his own place last month. Its hard, but it's the only way forward at the moment and I just feel blessed to be able to have time with both of them. I'm sure over time things might get better, but for now, things just need to go day by day.
A slightly different perspective, that this weekend has reared its head sooner than I expected, is the pressure it puts on other people - Either through the stress of wanting to support you but also worrying about you, but for them to have to keep it quiet and not tell others why we you are worried, concerned and confused about a loved ones situation. One of the people that know about my situation wants therapy themselves to be able to talk it through, I guess to understand the crime and why it is I might want to stay.
The ripple effect of thses crimes is huge.
I feel guilty knowing I could make the decision to walk and this not be a problem for other people in my life. I knew if I stayed I'd have to confront this when he came out of prison. Other than a couple or people, everyone else thinks we are separated and don't know why.
The ripple effect of thses crimes is huge.
I feel guilty knowing I could make the decision to walk and this not be a problem for other people in my life. I knew if I stayed I'd have to confront this when he came out of prison. Other than a couple or people, everyone else thinks we are separated and don't know why.