The dreaded knock
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Hi,
I have been married for 24 years and have 2 children, one of which is a son aged 21. On Monday 20th June my world turned upside down. At 6.30am the police and social workers knocked on my door. They asked me to bring the whole family down into the lounge which I did. They then said that someone in the house had been exchanging child porn images via an application called kik messenger. I said that I'd never even heard of kik messenger and my son said that it was an app he used. They seized his phone and computer to investigate. About 3 hours later a detective came over to return his computer but said that they found child porn on his phone. They asked him if he was aware of it. His head sunk and he nodded.
They didn't arrest him, instead they said that his phone would be sent for deeper analysis and they'd be in touch in 6-8 months time. Ever since then my wife and I have literally done nothing other than sit in bed crying. My son's world has collapsed and said it was a short term thing which he did and he has no idea why he did it. He said he stopped in April because he felt dirty and guilty. He's currently waiting to see if this investigation will prevent him from returning to work due to the nature of his job. I don't know what to do or how to help him, it feels like the world has caved in on me. I have images in my head of him being thrown in prison, his photo all over the local papers and people targeting my wife and daughter because of his behaviour. Social services spoke to my daughter and said that they have no concerns over her welfare so are not persuing any line of enquiry. My wife and I are hardly eating and can't sleep. The son I know is kind, loving and would do anything for anyone. Where have I failed as a parent. His life will never be the same. I'm just devastated.
He can't afford a lawyer and neither can we (we all have jobs but no savings and live month to month). He has taken it upon himself to call some charities which the police gave him details for so that he can understand why he did what he did. Around April time my wife and I did notice he seemed quite down and depressed, he's now told us that this was due to guilt over what he did. He has told us that it went on for about 3-4 months and it was restricted to pornography, no communication etc with children.
Any advice appreciated.
I have been married for 24 years and have 2 children, one of which is a son aged 21. On Monday 20th June my world turned upside down. At 6.30am the police and social workers knocked on my door. They asked me to bring the whole family down into the lounge which I did. They then said that someone in the house had been exchanging child porn images via an application called kik messenger. I said that I'd never even heard of kik messenger and my son said that it was an app he used. They seized his phone and computer to investigate. About 3 hours later a detective came over to return his computer but said that they found child porn on his phone. They asked him if he was aware of it. His head sunk and he nodded.
They didn't arrest him, instead they said that his phone would be sent for deeper analysis and they'd be in touch in 6-8 months time. Ever since then my wife and I have literally done nothing other than sit in bed crying. My son's world has collapsed and said it was a short term thing which he did and he has no idea why he did it. He said he stopped in April because he felt dirty and guilty. He's currently waiting to see if this investigation will prevent him from returning to work due to the nature of his job. I don't know what to do or how to help him, it feels like the world has caved in on me. I have images in my head of him being thrown in prison, his photo all over the local papers and people targeting my wife and daughter because of his behaviour. Social services spoke to my daughter and said that they have no concerns over her welfare so are not persuing any line of enquiry. My wife and I are hardly eating and can't sleep. The son I know is kind, loving and would do anything for anyone. Where have I failed as a parent. His life will never be the same. I'm just devastated.
He can't afford a lawyer and neither can we (we all have jobs but no savings and live month to month). He has taken it upon himself to call some charities which the police gave him details for so that he can understand why he did what he did. Around April time my wife and I did notice he seemed quite down and depressed, he's now told us that this was due to guilt over what he did. He has told us that it went on for about 3-4 months and it was restricted to pornography, no communication etc with children.
Any advice appreciated.
Bless you Ollie - so glad you reached us. We are a unique community who have all been faced with the horrors you describe, my heart reaches out to you. You are absolutely stunned, shocked, mortified when a loved one is found to have looked at this material. You walk round in a haze when your world is shattered into pieces.
Try not to take it all on board at once - you do overthink the future but Ollie try to take one day at a time. I'm sure many of the ladies will suggest ringing the helpline. Please keep posting we are all here for each other x
Try not to take it all on board at once - you do overthink the future but Ollie try to take one day at a time. I'm sure many of the ladies will suggest ringing the helpline. Please keep posting we are all here for each other x
Afternoon Ollie44
So sorry you find yourself in this forum but it is honesty the best place for advice and support
Have you phoned the helpline it can take a while to get through but they can be very understanding and offer help.also
The situation you are all in and the emotions you are feeling is normal
There are many of us that are parents on here of offenders so know how helpless you feel but the fact you are looking for support is really key to you all
Your son can also call the helpline and they can recommend a therapist who specializes in this
Please look after yourselfs and try to keep keep strong
As you will.also read many of the posts on here so have a pen and paper to hand to make notes
Well done for posting on here you have made the first step and we are all non judgemental so dont feel like you and your family and son are alone because you are not xx
So sorry you find yourself in this forum but it is honesty the best place for advice and support
Have you phoned the helpline it can take a while to get through but they can be very understanding and offer help.also
The situation you are all in and the emotions you are feeling is normal
There are many of us that are parents on here of offenders so know how helpless you feel but the fact you are looking for support is really key to you all
Your son can also call the helpline and they can recommend a therapist who specializes in this
Please look after yourselfs and try to keep keep strong
As you will.also read many of the posts on here so have a pen and paper to hand to make notes
Well done for posting on here you have made the first step and we are all non judgemental so dont feel like you and your family and son are alone because you are not xx
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Ollie I can so identify with the sitting in bed crying in those early days! All I can say is focus on what you can do to support your son now to get some help and professional support so he can better understand how he got himself into this situation. You, your wife and your daughter might need some support too - you could try the helpline or your GP? At the moment noone outside your family knkws so you should try to carry on as normal, as much as you can. Worrying about the future doesn't make things any better - I've been there. It will take a long time for this to reach a resolution.
Hi Ollie,
Another mum here ! Our shock came mid April and like, you just cannot believe I'm actually on a forum that I never knew existed before all this.
it took weeks before we could eat properly without feeling sick and we still arnt sleeping well so I totally get how you feel. We are just in no man's land with it all, it's just a living nightmare.
this forum is a comforting place to be , knowing you are not alone helps a bit. I don't think life will ever be the same again and having to be secretive and not be able to talk to people goes against how I normally am. My heart really goes out to you all x x
Another mum here ! Our shock came mid April and like, you just cannot believe I'm actually on a forum that I never knew existed before all this.
it took weeks before we could eat properly without feeling sick and we still arnt sleeping well so I totally get how you feel. We are just in no man's land with it all, it's just a living nightmare.
this forum is a comforting place to be , knowing you are not alone helps a bit. I don't think life will ever be the same again and having to be secretive and not be able to talk to people goes against how I normally am. My heart really goes out to you all x x
Hello Ollie.
Another Mum here.
Reading your post made me feel sick for you - we all remember our knocks so clearly. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, and I'm so very sorry for your son. My heart is broken for him. He had changed his life forever with this - just like my son has.
Take care of your family, be very careful who you tell, protect your son. Eat and sleep when you feel you can and keep coming back here to ask questions and get support. No one here will judge you, we all love our sons dearly and support them - no one condones the crimes.
Lots of love to you- I know how much pain you are in, it's excruciating.
Xx
Another Mum here.
Reading your post made me feel sick for you - we all remember our knocks so clearly. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, and I'm so very sorry for your son. My heart is broken for him. He had changed his life forever with this - just like my son has.
Take care of your family, be very careful who you tell, protect your son. Eat and sleep when you feel you can and keep coming back here to ask questions and get support. No one here will judge you, we all love our sons dearly and support them - no one condones the crimes.
Lots of love to you- I know how much pain you are in, it's excruciating.
Xx
Hello Ollie,
As you might guess from the name, yet another mum here. There are quite a few of us on the forum and we all understand how you are feeling now. I am so sorry that you are here.
The shock is enormous in the first few days, things do settle down a bit but it remains a huge strain.
Make sure you get whatever help you need, for both of you and your son. Phone the helpline and contact your gp.
We found Safer Lives a great help, both for us and for our son.
Ask whatever you want, someone will always help.
As you might guess from the name, yet another mum here. There are quite a few of us on the forum and we all understand how you are feeling now. I am so sorry that you are here.
The shock is enormous in the first few days, things do settle down a bit but it remains a huge strain.
Make sure you get whatever help you need, for both of you and your son. Phone the helpline and contact your gp.
We found Safer Lives a great help, both for us and for our son.
Ask whatever you want, someone will always help.
Hello Ollie
I am sorry to hear what has happened to you, your son and your family. You have definitely come to the right place for support and information from all members of this forum.
As already mentioned it would be good for you to speak with the helpline if you haven't already done so, for support and advise. You son can also contact them and look into doing the Inform Course with them.
Because of your son being only 21years of age and you having a younger daughter I would like to make you aware of the charity Young Minds - a charity that supports parents of under 25 years old if you need avice/support/someone to talk to about theit mental health. Their website also offers lots of useful information in general.
Also as your son is under 25 their is also the charity 'Just for Kids Law' based in London that may be worth a look at. Again they have useful info on their about the criminal justice system and young people. If you live in London there is the possibility that they could represent your son. They may be good to talk to about the fact you are unable to finance solicitors costs to see if they can offer help/suggestions regarding this, maybe?
As already said by other members, please look after yourself the best you can, day by day.
Thinking of you, your son and family.
I am sorry to hear what has happened to you, your son and your family. You have definitely come to the right place for support and information from all members of this forum.
As already mentioned it would be good for you to speak with the helpline if you haven't already done so, for support and advise. You son can also contact them and look into doing the Inform Course with them.
Because of your son being only 21years of age and you having a younger daughter I would like to make you aware of the charity Young Minds - a charity that supports parents of under 25 years old if you need avice/support/someone to talk to about theit mental health. Their website also offers lots of useful information in general.
Also as your son is under 25 their is also the charity 'Just for Kids Law' based in London that may be worth a look at. Again they have useful info on their about the criminal justice system and young people. If you live in London there is the possibility that they could represent your son. They may be good to talk to about the fact you are unable to finance solicitors costs to see if they can offer help/suggestions regarding this, maybe?
As already said by other members, please look after yourself the best you can, day by day.
Thinking of you, your son and family.
Thank you for the replies, they are very helpful. It's so nice being able to talk about this with people who understand. At the moment it's 1 big secret which 2e can't discuss with anyone.
I know this is a big "if" question but if my son is convicted and ends up on the sex offenders register, will our letting agent be informed of the conviction? The house is in mine and my wife's name only but will the police inform them of my son's conviction since he lives with us?
I know this is a big "if" question but if my son is convicted and ends up on the sex offenders register, will our letting agent be informed of the conviction? The house is in mine and my wife's name only but will the police inform them of my son's conviction since he lives with us?
Ollie44
I feel your pain. We had the knock last Thursday and since then ours lives have been turned upside down. My son is an intelligent, loving and caring man — how did he get so low as to seek comfort from this source. I agree the first few days you just cannot function or comprehend what has happened — it was completely traumatic. To add to this my Mum passed away on 20th June (funeral is tomorrow) — Don't know how we'll hold it together. I haven't told anyone and don't want to so I'm reading through your posts and realise there is a lot of love and support from complete strangers out there — thank you. I realise we too need to get support/counselling and I wish you lots of strength and try and eat and rest as much as possible. Hold on to the fact that your son is not a bad person but someone who has lost their way and needs help. A big hug to you and all that find themselves on this site at the beginning of their journey. Xxx
I feel your pain. We had the knock last Thursday and since then ours lives have been turned upside down. My son is an intelligent, loving and caring man — how did he get so low as to seek comfort from this source. I agree the first few days you just cannot function or comprehend what has happened — it was completely traumatic. To add to this my Mum passed away on 20th June (funeral is tomorrow) — Don't know how we'll hold it together. I haven't told anyone and don't want to so I'm reading through your posts and realise there is a lot of love and support from complete strangers out there — thank you. I realise we too need to get support/counselling and I wish you lots of strength and try and eat and rest as much as possible. Hold on to the fact that your son is not a bad person but someone who has lost their way and needs help. A big hug to you and all that find themselves on this site at the beginning of their journey. Xxx