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partner/ex/father to my children - whatever he is, is due to be sentenced in a week.
I will not be making a decision yet whether to stay or leave but I am supporting him and I would like to think we have a future.
We were looking to book a holiday in the near future (obviously with permissions) and I ended up feeling really resentful that we cannot go to a lot of the holiday parks and country's I wanted to visit due to him being on SOR. We ended up arguing and it's got me thinking will life just be full of barriers if I stay? Will I end up hating him for the things we can't do? Will I throw it in his face everytime a barrier comes up? How do you get through this?
We are 8 months in and I am still angry he has put us through this and in this situation (though he has explained how he got to where he did) that sometimes I want to remind him and hurt him (even though he is so remorseful and doing lots of work) for what he's done, will this get easier?
I will not be making a decision yet whether to stay or leave but I am supporting him and I would like to think we have a future.
We were looking to book a holiday in the near future (obviously with permissions) and I ended up feeling really resentful that we cannot go to a lot of the holiday parks and country's I wanted to visit due to him being on SOR. We ended up arguing and it's got me thinking will life just be full of barriers if I stay? Will I end up hating him for the things we can't do? Will I throw it in his face everytime a barrier comes up? How do you get through this?
We are 8 months in and I am still angry he has put us through this and in this situation (though he has explained how he got to where he did) that sometimes I want to remind him and hurt him (even though he is so remorseful and doing lots of work) for what he's done, will this get easier?
Is it possible for the resentment I have to pass in time?
i have had a few goes at him this week when he has complained about things and I've said it's your own fault you did this to us! which I know isn't healthy but Some days I am sinking being a single parent, working full time, running a house alone, lying to everyone, trying to keep things normal ... you know how it goes.
my plan is just to get through the next couple of weeks sentencing etc then start couple counselling x
i have had a few goes at him this week when he has complained about things and I've said it's your own fault you did this to us! which I know isn't healthy but Some days I am sinking being a single parent, working full time, running a house alone, lying to everyone, trying to keep things normal ... you know how it goes.
my plan is just to get through the next couple of weeks sentencing etc then start couple counselling x
Ps Blackhound I love your first paragraph!
Thanks Lee. I have had 2 private therapy sessions but I'm not sure it helped as it was just me explaining what had happened, no advice offered - is this usual as I have nothing to compare it to? x
Hi Jayjay,
We are 2 years on from sentencing nearly and I still lose the plot with my husband, even though I've suffered with mental health for years nothing like wat I have this past few years, if u want it to work it can, only u can decide, but it is OK to lose it now and again, up until recently I use to lose it quite alot but I no I can't keep doing it as its not fair but then the shit I have gone through hasn't been fair either, it is us mums who are punished more if we decide to stay and support, it's us mums who take the flack off the kids when they are feeling low. It is hard going either way so losing it every now and again is OK and I would even say normal but if u stay it will get less as time goes on xx
We are 2 years on from sentencing nearly and I still lose the plot with my husband, even though I've suffered with mental health for years nothing like wat I have this past few years, if u want it to work it can, only u can decide, but it is OK to lose it now and again, up until recently I use to lose it quite alot but I no I can't keep doing it as its not fair but then the shit I have gone through hasn't been fair either, it is us mums who are punished more if we decide to stay and support, it's us mums who take the flack off the kids when they are feeling low. It is hard going either way so losing it every now and again is OK and I would even say normal but if u stay it will get less as time goes on xx
I think I have made somewhat peace with the fact I can't travel everywhere I want with my partner. I really want to go to Florida for Disney and we hope to go to Japan (which I think is an ok country to go to....).
The main barriers post sentencing (we are coming up to three years!!!!) Is the work around to avoid contact with children. Unfortunately he has the no contact with under 16s condition despite he is online offending only. It means I have to lie alot to family and friends. I have the valid paranoia of what of people find out? I know my life will fall apart and I don't know how I will cope.
But I'm still here....and I do wonder why. My life would be easier without being with a sex offender. But I have a personal strong moral that because he has done the rehabilitation and working on making sure he does go down the rabbit hole again I just can't walk away.
Our life is pretty normal. I'm.ok with the check ins from the police and we work around the SOR and SHPO.
I don't generally resent him, but I think I will struggle if for example a loved passed away and he can't attend the funeral because children will or may be present - that is one reality of the SHPO he has...
I would recommend to continue to read experiences of those on the other side, I didn't have this info until afterwards since I didnt know about the forum until his probation officer told me. You can then weigh up what you can cope with and aspects you need support. You may also find firm hard limits that need to be considered.
The main barriers post sentencing (we are coming up to three years!!!!) Is the work around to avoid contact with children. Unfortunately he has the no contact with under 16s condition despite he is online offending only. It means I have to lie alot to family and friends. I have the valid paranoia of what of people find out? I know my life will fall apart and I don't know how I will cope.
But I'm still here....and I do wonder why. My life would be easier without being with a sex offender. But I have a personal strong moral that because he has done the rehabilitation and working on making sure he does go down the rabbit hole again I just can't walk away.
Our life is pretty normal. I'm.ok with the check ins from the police and we work around the SOR and SHPO.
I don't generally resent him, but I think I will struggle if for example a loved passed away and he can't attend the funeral because children will or may be present - that is one reality of the SHPO he has...
I would recommend to continue to read experiences of those on the other side, I didn't have this info until afterwards since I didnt know about the forum until his probation officer told me. You can then weigh up what you can cope with and aspects you need support. You may also find firm hard limits that need to be considered.
Hi Jay Jay I'm gjad you posted because I'm having the same feelings as you, court will be in Sept and I'm worried ill resent him too. He never really complains of I'm honest but if he does I'm like 'well you brought this on yourself' then I feel terrible about saying it because of all the work he's done, but it's so unfair how us partners, mothers, sisters, fathers etc suffer the most. He seems to have all the help and support and I am left to find my own and pretty much deal with this alone. It's trust for me too. I've no 8dea if I will ever trust him again, I have forgiven him, he made a mistake and he's suffered and payed fir it and is fill of remorse. I do believe hell never do it again it's just the aftermath as you said. See how far we get then couples therapy too after, his counsellor has recommended soneine she knows who's experienced I. This feild its a bloody mind blowing thing fir us to live with the rest of our lives, hope everything goes your way in court honey xx
Hiya Jayjay.
Well we are now 1 month past sentencing and had the first visor visit and onto the second probation meeting.
I have stayed with hubby from the very start and will till the bitter end. Yes it's very hard thinking about what he has done and that will live with us until the end of time.
We have no under the 16s in the family so not to bad and all our stuff is internet based.
You have to go with what you think is right for yourselfs and nobody else.
xx
Well we are now 1 month past sentencing and had the first visor visit and onto the second probation meeting.
I have stayed with hubby from the very start and will till the bitter end. Yes it's very hard thinking about what he has done and that will live with us until the end of time.
We have no under the 16s in the family so not to bad and all our stuff is internet based.
You have to go with what you think is right for yourselfs and nobody else.
xx
I want to stay. I just want to learn not to resent him and have digs at him. I think I tensions and emotions are high too as sentencing next week.
Hi Dawn, I note you said 2 years post sentencing and you're still on this forum - well done for supporting others through this hell! We need people like you and Lee who have been through it already for support.
I'm also wondering if I may, if you are still struggling or whether you are here just to support others, or both? Hope that's not cheeky, just I really wanted to think that 2 years post, I will be living a 'fairly' normal life without the stresses and strains this situation bring to us all, though it is amazing when people stick around to help others after x
Hi Dawn, I note you said 2 years post sentencing and you're still on this forum - well done for supporting others through this hell! We need people like you and Lee who have been through it already for support.
I'm also wondering if I may, if you are still struggling or whether you are here just to support others, or both? Hope that's not cheeky, just I really wanted to think that 2 years post, I will be living a 'fairly' normal life without the stresses and strains this situation bring to us all, though it is amazing when people stick around to help others after x
Hiya blackhound, yes all those details about me are correct. I have never wanted kids and don't see that changing, it is agreed if I do change my mind we will need to separate.
Yes we have an unconventional lovelife which has brought up concern by the authorities, but what we do is totally legal and within the restrictions of the SOR and SHPO. The police and authorities say alot of 'what ifs', which is annoying. They can't tell us to stop but like to use it against my partner, making it seem his sexual interests are problematic.
We are still saving up for bits and pieces, family court continues to be a pain and likely more needs to paid for assessments. But once we have all the court stuff sorted we aim for a holiday and I too have seen the info you mention about Japan.
It's all a bit like taking it day by day and making the best of the overall situation. I do resent the fact the the family court case is eating into my partner's finances. But his kids are very important to him and we can make it work. It's mostly compromises. We can't afford big holidays or items, but make do with short breaks and sharing hobbies.
Yes we have an unconventional lovelife which has brought up concern by the authorities, but what we do is totally legal and within the restrictions of the SOR and SHPO. The police and authorities say alot of 'what ifs', which is annoying. They can't tell us to stop but like to use it against my partner, making it seem his sexual interests are problematic.
We are still saving up for bits and pieces, family court continues to be a pain and likely more needs to paid for assessments. But once we have all the court stuff sorted we aim for a holiday and I too have seen the info you mention about Japan.
It's all a bit like taking it day by day and making the best of the overall situation. I do resent the fact the the family court case is eating into my partner's finances. But his kids are very important to him and we can make it work. It's mostly compromises. We can't afford big holidays or items, but make do with short breaks and sharing hobbies.
Omg this post resonates so much.
my partner is being sentenced tomorrow (he's gone alone we live in another country)
it's been a trying week leading up to today he's done nothing to prepare for the possibility of a custodial sentence and at time of writing I genuinely have no idea if I will see him again I dropped him at the airport earlier today.
A few annoying things happened this week we have weekly visits from SS as still in the family home with our young child and I am literally jumping over hoops I cannot go anywhere on my own, have to work out when I go in the shower/bath etc so our child is never left unsupervised and it's exhausting.
I asked him to nip to the shop and he didn't say anything but you could see he didn't want to and I said 'I can't go without taking xxxx with me and they're in bed'
So he went and didn't return for a few hours as he went to the pub??? I mean I wish I could just go to the pub.
it made me rethink the entire thing because like you I have resentment over the life I can no longer have because of him.
I went to see a therapist and she basically questioned why I was still with him as I was not having my needs met and I needed to put myself first.
I don't know myself other than I love him which sounds pathetic.
I guess I was waiting for sentencing and maybe seeing what the outcome is before making a decision.
it's not looking good for the relationship cos I just don't think he gets the sacrifice I make daily whilst he lives his life like nothing has happened.
He plays sport every weekend and is out all day and I can't do any of that. I have no childcare and I'm very isolated so I'm feeling the pressure more and more.
my partner is being sentenced tomorrow (he's gone alone we live in another country)
it's been a trying week leading up to today he's done nothing to prepare for the possibility of a custodial sentence and at time of writing I genuinely have no idea if I will see him again I dropped him at the airport earlier today.
A few annoying things happened this week we have weekly visits from SS as still in the family home with our young child and I am literally jumping over hoops I cannot go anywhere on my own, have to work out when I go in the shower/bath etc so our child is never left unsupervised and it's exhausting.
I asked him to nip to the shop and he didn't say anything but you could see he didn't want to and I said 'I can't go without taking xxxx with me and they're in bed'
So he went and didn't return for a few hours as he went to the pub??? I mean I wish I could just go to the pub.
it made me rethink the entire thing because like you I have resentment over the life I can no longer have because of him.
I went to see a therapist and she basically questioned why I was still with him as I was not having my needs met and I needed to put myself first.
I don't know myself other than I love him which sounds pathetic.
I guess I was waiting for sentencing and maybe seeing what the outcome is before making a decision.
it's not looking good for the relationship cos I just don't think he gets the sacrifice I make daily whilst he lives his life like nothing has happened.
He plays sport every weekend and is out all day and I can't do any of that. I have no childcare and I'm very isolated so I'm feeling the pressure more and more.
Post deleted
We are not abroad as such we are still in Uk.
It's a bit complicated but I moved here first as we had broken up, he committed the crimes during that period and got arrested but not charged.
We reconciled and he moved here with me I didn't know about the charges until a month ago when he had to go to court.
It's a bit complicated but I moved here first as we had broken up, he committed the crimes during that period and got arrested but not charged.
We reconciled and he moved here with me I didn't know about the charges until a month ago when he had to go to court.
Hi JayJay, I am in a very similar position to you right now. It's been a year and a half since the knock and a few months since he was charged. He is not due sentencing just yet, but is facing the magistrates hearing very soon.
I am very confused about my feelings, and I am questioning how I feel about him and about us. Similar to you, I want to support him through this period, but it is taking a toll on our relationship. I truly believe we had a great relationship before all of this and I really love/loved him. But understandably it's very hard now and I don't know if we have lost what we had or if I am trying to protect myself subconsciously by telling myself this. So I am very unsure what I should do too.
I think the best thing we can both do right now is support them through the next stage, but take care of our mental well-being as a number one priority.
If things get too much, remove yourself from the situation. And always remember, nothing has to be permanent. If you need a break from the relationship and him, take a break.
I am currently wondering if I should move out and rent for 6-12 months on my own, so that I have a place to go and be myself. Not to end things with him, but to take some time apart and really look at the situation outside of it. I am hoping this will either help our relationship or give me clarity that I can't be with him anymore. But it is still a big change so this might not always be the right solution.
Just make sure you are doing what feels right for you and what helps you.
I am very confused about my feelings, and I am questioning how I feel about him and about us. Similar to you, I want to support him through this period, but it is taking a toll on our relationship. I truly believe we had a great relationship before all of this and I really love/loved him. But understandably it's very hard now and I don't know if we have lost what we had or if I am trying to protect myself subconsciously by telling myself this. So I am very unsure what I should do too.
I think the best thing we can both do right now is support them through the next stage, but take care of our mental well-being as a number one priority.
If things get too much, remove yourself from the situation. And always remember, nothing has to be permanent. If you need a break from the relationship and him, take a break.
I am currently wondering if I should move out and rent for 6-12 months on my own, so that I have a place to go and be myself. Not to end things with him, but to take some time apart and really look at the situation outside of it. I am hoping this will either help our relationship or give me clarity that I can't be with him anymore. But it is still a big change so this might not always be the right solution.
Just make sure you are doing what feels right for you and what helps you.
Hi Jayjay,
Sorry only just read your reply, I think it's a bit of both, due to this trauma I had a difficult time with ss which has now left me a really bad mental health state, I come on here because I no there are others feeling like I do, I feel I have no one who understands me any more because friends and some family think I should have walked away but I cant. I am hoping as time goes on things will work out better.
Sorry only just read your reply, I think it's a bit of both, due to this trauma I had a difficult time with ss which has now left me a really bad mental health state, I come on here because I no there are others feeling like I do, I feel I have no one who understands me any more because friends and some family think I should have walked away but I cant. I am hoping as time goes on things will work out better.
Thanks Dawn. I don't think this is going away from our lives anytime soon. Each stage brings new challenges doesnt it. Well done for supporting others and like you say there isn't anywhere where we can speak to others who are going thru the same. Hugs to you xx
Hi Jayjay,
Yes it does seem that way but the more information u can get from this forum the more forwarded u can be, honestly I don't think I'd have gone through as much shit as I have if I had found this forum back in 2018. Just remember we are all here to help and get through this journey together because I honestly believe that no one, no one who hasn't gone through this stuff will ever understand. We all need to come here to help each other weather its advice or to listen to people rant otherwise it will send u mad xxxx
Yes it does seem that way but the more information u can get from this forum the more forwarded u can be, honestly I don't think I'd have gone through as much shit as I have if I had found this forum back in 2018. Just remember we are all here to help and get through this journey together because I honestly believe that no one, no one who hasn't gone through this stuff will ever understand. We all need to come here to help each other weather its advice or to listen to people rant otherwise it will send u mad xxxx
Definitely x
min starting the inform course next week and I'm actually looking forward to it, to talk to people going through the same as me xx
min starting the inform course next week and I'm actually looking forward to it, to talk to people going through the same as me xx
Hi Jayjay,
I'm still talking to one of them lovely ladies now a year on, it is so helpful, but it can be draining too, I got emotional a few times but the ladies were so understanding x again that was something else to give me strength
I'm still talking to one of them lovely ladies now a year on, it is so helpful, but it can be draining too, I got emotional a few times but the ladies were so understanding x again that was something else to give me strength
Hi blackhound,
We have had raised eyebrows about our sex life. And it is confusing on what the authorities are actually concerned about. I see in the forum offenders being questioned about their sex life and 'self pleasure', my partner has the same convos. He is asked what porn he is watching and ofc they can see the history.
They also have access to the people we chat to, as we are not an exclusive couple. We met people mostly through an app that the police highly recommended my partner remove himself from, tho I was to still use it. I believe the authorities and specialists are not too concerned (as what we do is consenting adults, and there is verification process) but they would prefer we went to adult venues rather people's houses. They are concerned that my partner would come into contact with kids (he has the no under 16 contact condition on his SHPO, he will be contesting it eventually once the family courts are resolved). I think they are worried about what if a kid turns up when they are meant to be at a friend's house but come home early etc.
Our love life was mentioned in an assessment that was reviewed for family courts but wasn't brought up in the court room. We tend to meet people without kids or the kids are older. And it isn't an activity that people want their kids to know about of course! Parents will do their best to make sure there are no interruptions.
My partner was sexually repressed, a bisexual man who wasn't to his ex wife. Our sex life isn't the most important thing to us really, we like going out and our hobbies and just each other company. I did have the mindset that I had to 'perform' to help him not go down the rabbit hole but I have much more confidence that he can communicate better and has the rehabilitation info to fall back on.
I hope for one big holiday but we normally like our city breaks. We will just have to take the plunge and see if Japan is doable. But we have limited money, no point going broke over it. The family courts will cost more and more, and he has to think about his kids. Contact centers are not cheap.
One thing I think is important for those new to this horrible journey is to consider how comfortable you can be with the police and probation diving into sex life and 'private messages'. When phones are checked they see the messages, the photos etc. I am used to it and not too shy. It is awakard having to point at photos and say it is me (they have seen enough to spot me without asking now...).
No one we see knows about his sentence. And I dread if they ever find out. Tho we see them as friends, they are not close to have any loyalty. And it is like a community, it would go like wildfire...
We have had raised eyebrows about our sex life. And it is confusing on what the authorities are actually concerned about. I see in the forum offenders being questioned about their sex life and 'self pleasure', my partner has the same convos. He is asked what porn he is watching and ofc they can see the history.
They also have access to the people we chat to, as we are not an exclusive couple. We met people mostly through an app that the police highly recommended my partner remove himself from, tho I was to still use it. I believe the authorities and specialists are not too concerned (as what we do is consenting adults, and there is verification process) but they would prefer we went to adult venues rather people's houses. They are concerned that my partner would come into contact with kids (he has the no under 16 contact condition on his SHPO, he will be contesting it eventually once the family courts are resolved). I think they are worried about what if a kid turns up when they are meant to be at a friend's house but come home early etc.
Our love life was mentioned in an assessment that was reviewed for family courts but wasn't brought up in the court room. We tend to meet people without kids or the kids are older. And it isn't an activity that people want their kids to know about of course! Parents will do their best to make sure there are no interruptions.
My partner was sexually repressed, a bisexual man who wasn't to his ex wife. Our sex life isn't the most important thing to us really, we like going out and our hobbies and just each other company. I did have the mindset that I had to 'perform' to help him not go down the rabbit hole but I have much more confidence that he can communicate better and has the rehabilitation info to fall back on.
I hope for one big holiday but we normally like our city breaks. We will just have to take the plunge and see if Japan is doable. But we have limited money, no point going broke over it. The family courts will cost more and more, and he has to think about his kids. Contact centers are not cheap.
One thing I think is important for those new to this horrible journey is to consider how comfortable you can be with the police and probation diving into sex life and 'private messages'. When phones are checked they see the messages, the photos etc. I am used to it and not too shy. It is awakard having to point at photos and say it is me (they have seen enough to spot me without asking now...).
No one we see knows about his sentence. And I dread if they ever find out. Tho we see them as friends, they are not close to have any loyalty. And it is like a community, it would go like wildfire...