Family and Friends Forum

I'll be honest jay life will be full of barriers but the great thing about barriers is they can be taken down. Or you can find another route to avoid barriers and still get to the same destination.

It sounds like you would benefit from therapy just to remove your feelings from your head. In order to avoid resentment you need to make peace with the future that you lost, only then will you be able to truly move on from the pain that this crime causes.

You're allowed to be angry, one thing I would advise is listen to that anger, lean into it and process it because if you don't like I didn' properly, process it properly then It will cause you further resentment and further anger in the future. Forgiveness is a choice - you don't wake up suddenly one day and think I forgive you, it takes time and it takes a real hard work but it all depends on what you define is worth it or not. If you think and the bottom of your heart that you can see a future where you've made peace with the ramifications of his crime, then there might be a future for you that's worse fighting for.

Things will only start to get easier when when the court case is over and you know what you're dealing with , what the future looks like and how you can grow from this.

Hi Jayjay,

We are 2 years on from sentencing nearly and I still lose the plot with my husband, even though I've suffered with mental health for years nothing like wat I have this past few years, if u want it to work it can, only u can decide, but it is OK to lose it now and again, up until recently I use to lose it quite alot but I no I can't keep doing it as its not fair but then the shit I have gone through hasn't been fair either, it is us mums who are punished more if we decide to stay and support, it's us mums who take the flack off the kids when they are feeling low. It is hard going either way so losing it every now and again is OK and I would even say normal but if u stay it will get less as time goes on xx

I think I have made somewhat peace with the fact I can't travel everywhere I want with my partner. I really want to go to Florida for Disney and we hope to go to Japan (which I think is an ok country to go to....).

The main barriers post sentencing (we are coming up to three years!!!!) Is the work around to avoid contact with children. Unfortunately he has the no contact with under 16s condition despite he is online offending only. It means I have to lie alot to family and friends. I have the valid paranoia of what of people find out? I know my life will fall apart and I don't know how I will cope.

But I'm still here....and I do wonder why. My life would be easier without being with a sex offender. But I have a personal strong moral that because he has done the rehabilitation and working on making sure he does go down the rabbit hole again I just can't walk away.

Our life is pretty normal. I'm.ok with the check ins from the police and we work around the SOR and SHPO.

I don't generally resent him, but I think I will struggle if for example a loved passed away and he can't attend the funeral because children will or may be present - that is one reality of the SHPO he has...

I would recommend to continue to read experiences of those on the other side, I didn't have this info until afterwards since I didnt know about the forum until his probation officer told me. You can then weigh up what you can cope with and aspects you need support. You may also find firm hard limits that need to be considered.

Hi Jay Jay I'm gjad you posted because I'm having the same feelings as you, court will be in Sept and I'm worried ill resent him too. He never really complains of I'm honest but if he does I'm like 'well you brought this on yourself' then I feel terrible about saying it because of all the work he's done, but it's so unfair how us partners, mothers, sisters, fathers etc suffer the most. He seems to have all the help and support and I am left to find my own and pretty much deal with this alone. It's trust for me too. I've no 8dea if I will ever trust him again, I have forgiven him, he made a mistake and he's suffered and payed fir it and is fill of remorse. I do believe hell never do it again it's just the aftermath as you said. See how far we get then couples therapy too after, his counsellor has recommended soneine she knows who's experienced I. This feild its a bloody mind blowing thing fir us to live with the rest of our lives, hope everything goes your way in court honey xx

Hiya Jayjay.



Well we are now 1 month past sentencing and had the first visor visit and onto the second probation meeting.



I have stayed with hubby from the very start and will till the bitter end. Yes it's very hard thinking about what he has done and that will live with us until the end of time.



We have no under the 16s in the family so not to bad and all our stuff is internet based.



You have to go with what you think is right for yourselfs and nobody else.



xx

Majestic, we're hoping to go to Japan as well next year! I think it depends if the police out a marker on your file and Interpol can pick it up but Japan have no access to your file in the UK. I remember Majestic, you said you didn't want kids and I am more leaning towards that lifestyle as well... And that you also live an unconventional lifestyle (this was a long time ago and I never forgot you said that). We sort of live an unconventional s*X life So if you ever wanna chat I'm sure we can find a way... Also If I have misinterpreted anything you said I'll say sorry now !

Luckily I've already been to America twice growing up so I'm not so fussed about that..

It's good though that atleast your family have a good relationship with your spouse... Even if he cannot attend family events sometimes... I won't lie though, even though our life is f**ked up right now we're no longer looking over out shoulders at who knows... It maybe like that if we move to a new town but who knows...

I too wonder why I'm still here given my husband is, well difficult sometimes... Maybe I'm scared and need certainty, maybe I love those stupid times we have together... I'm writing a diary atm to go over it with my therapist... I'm a caretaker in a sense so I've always taken care of my husband and I'm trying to back of a little atm...

Also Jay Jay Lee is right, therapy for yourself is probably your first priority right now. And if you don't find the right one, then move along and find another. It's really really hard but its worth it.

Ultimately JayJay you can only make that decision... It's the toughest decision you will ever make... You will need to be able to say that you're okay having a partner who is a registered sex offender. You know his crime and his reasons for doing it but that he is taking on the task of reform...

Hiya blackhound, yes all those details about me are correct. I have never wanted kids and don't see that changing, it is agreed if I do change my mind we will need to separate.

Yes we have an unconventional lovelife which has brought up concern by the authorities, but what we do is totally legal and within the restrictions of the SOR and SHPO. The police and authorities say alot of 'what ifs', which is annoying. They can't tell us to stop but like to use it against my partner, making it seem his sexual interests are problematic.

We are still saving up for bits and pieces, family court continues to be a pain and likely more needs to paid for assessments. But once we have all the court stuff sorted we aim for a holiday and I too have seen the info you mention about Japan.

It's all a bit like taking it day by day and making the best of the overall situation. I do resent the fact the the family court case is eating into my partner's finances. But his kids are very important to him and we can make it work. It's mostly compromises. We can't afford big holidays or items, but make do with short breaks and sharing hobbies.

Omg this post resonates so much.
my partner is being sentenced tomorrow (he's gone alone we live in another country)
it's been a trying week leading up to today he's done nothing to prepare for the possibility of a custodial sentence and at time of writing I genuinely have no idea if I will see him again I dropped him at the airport earlier today.

A few annoying things happened this week we have weekly visits from SS as still in the family home with our young child and I am literally jumping over hoops I cannot go anywhere on my own, have to work out when I go in the shower/bath etc so our child is never left unsupervised and it's exhausting.

I asked him to nip to the shop and he didn't say anything but you could see he didn't want to and I said 'I can't go without taking xxxx with me and they're in bed'

So he went and didn't return for a few hours as he went to the pub??? I mean I wish I could just go to the pub.

it made me rethink the entire thing because like you I have resentment over the life I can no longer have because of him.

I went to see a therapist and she basically questioned why I was still with him as I was not having my needs met and I needed to put myself first.

I don't know myself other than I love him which sounds pathetic.


I guess I was waiting for sentencing and maybe seeing what the outcome is before making a decision.


it's not looking good for the relationship cos I just don't think he gets the sacrifice I make daily whilst he lives his life like nothing has happened.



He plays sport every weekend and is out all day and I can't do any of that. I have no childcare and I'm very isolated so I'm feeling the pressure more and more.

Post deleted

We are not abroad as such we are still in Uk.



It's a bit complicated but I moved here first as we had broken up, he committed the crimes during that period and got arrested but not charged.

We reconciled and he moved here with me I didn't know about the charges until a month ago when he had to go to court.

Hi JayJay, I am in a very similar position to you right now. It's been a year and a half since the knock and a few months since he was charged. He is not due sentencing just yet, but is facing the magistrates hearing very soon.

I am very confused about my feelings, and I am questioning how I feel about him and about us. Similar to you, I want to support him through this period, but it is taking a toll on our relationship. I truly believe we had a great relationship before all of this and I really love/loved him. But understandably it's very hard now and I don't know if we have lost what we had or if I am trying to protect myself subconsciously by telling myself this. So I am very unsure what I should do too.

I think the best thing we can both do right now is support them through the next stage, but take care of our mental well-being as a number one priority.

If things get too much, remove yourself from the situation. And always remember, nothing has to be permanent. If you need a break from the relationship and him, take a break.

I am currently wondering if I should move out and rent for 6-12 months on my own, so that I have a place to go and be myself. Not to end things with him, but to take some time apart and really look at the situation outside of it. I am hoping this will either help our relationship or give me clarity that I can't be with him anymore. But it is still a big change so this might not always be the right solution.

Just make sure you are doing what feels right for you and what helps you.

Hi Jayjay,

Sorry only just read your reply, I think it's a bit of both, due to this trauma I had a difficult time with ss which has now left me a really bad mental health state, I come on here because I no there are others feeling like I do, I feel I have no one who understands me any more because friends and some family think I should have walked away but I cant. I am hoping as time goes on things will work out better.

Hi Jayjay,

Yes it does seem that way but the more information u can get from this forum the more forwarded u can be, honestly I don't think I'd have gone through as much shit as I have if I had found this forum back in 2018. Just remember we are all here to help and get through this journey together because I honestly believe that no one, no one who hasn't gone through this stuff will ever understand. We all need to come here to help each other weather its advice or to listen to people rant otherwise it will send u mad xxxx

Hi Jayjay,

I'm still talking to one of them lovely ladies now a year on, it is so helpful, but it can be draining too, I got emotional a few times but the ladies were so understanding x again that was something else to give me strength

Heya Majestic,

I'm glad someone else on here is of the valition that they don't want children. I'm still about 75% a no go. I could have them with another person but for me it would be a copying mechanism so I fit in with everyone else and that is not even close enough of a reason to have a child.

Have you come up against much backlash about the unconventional love life and the authorities using it against your partner/ imposing their way? I ask because this is soon going to be a stepping stone, a small one with my partner and I and there's no SHPOs in place, just the SOR. And the things we want to go to are strictly 18 plus and vetted so really it shouldn't be an issue too much.

Morally, has anyone ever questioned you and your partner about the crime he committed and the sex life you lead now? That's a worry for me, there's nothing connecting unconventional sex and the crime. It's just as a result of the crime, were more open about sex and sexual desires... The shame and barriers are down and the understanding and logic are firmly up.

Goodluck with the savings for the family court and what not, I hope it goes well.

We'll go to Japan if we're still together. Trial separation and hopefully moving into a new place over the next few months together to see if we can live together without arguing 24/7 and take baby steps together whilst working on each other individually.

Genuinely sometimes big holidays are too hyped and it's nicer to share hobbies and interest and just be with them then it is to snap a photo of sausages legs at the beach like everyother Jessy and Shaun out there.

Hi blackhound,

We have had raised eyebrows about our sex life. And it is confusing on what the authorities are actually concerned about. I see in the forum offenders being questioned about their sex life and 'self pleasure', my partner has the same convos. He is asked what porn he is watching and ofc they can see the history.

They also have access to the people we chat to, as we are not an exclusive couple. We met people mostly through an app that the police highly recommended my partner remove himself from, tho I was to still use it. I believe the authorities and specialists are not too concerned (as what we do is consenting adults, and there is verification process) but they would prefer we went to adult venues rather people's houses. They are concerned that my partner would come into contact with kids (he has the no under 16 contact condition on his SHPO, he will be contesting it eventually once the family courts are resolved). I think they are worried about what if a kid turns up when they are meant to be at a friend's house but come home early etc.

Our love life was mentioned in an assessment that was reviewed for family courts but wasn't brought up in the court room. We tend to meet people without kids or the kids are older. And it isn't an activity that people want their kids to know about of course! Parents will do their best to make sure there are no interruptions.

My partner was sexually repressed, a bisexual man who wasn't to his ex wife. Our sex life isn't the most important thing to us really, we like going out and our hobbies and just each other company. I did have the mindset that I had to 'perform' to help him not go down the rabbit hole but I have much more confidence that he can communicate better and has the rehabilitation info to fall back on.

I hope for one big holiday but we normally like our city breaks. We will just have to take the plunge and see if Japan is doable. But we have limited money, no point going broke over it. The family courts will cost more and more, and he has to think about his kids. Contact centers are not cheap.

One thing I think is important for those new to this horrible journey is to consider how comfortable you can be with the police and probation diving into sex life and 'private messages'. When phones are checked they see the messages, the photos etc. I am used to it and not too shy. It is awakard having to point at photos and say it is me (they have seen enough to spot me without asking now...).

No one we see knows about his sentence. And I dread if they ever find out. Tho we see them as friends, they are not close to have any loyalty. And it is like a community, it would go like wildfire...

Thanks Majestic for explaining all that...

Is being asked and monitored over his porn habits part of his SHPO? I feel like there's a limit to the information the authorities should have on someone's sexual habits and life.

My partber had not disclosed his sexual activities to his probation officer because quite frankly we're literally dipping a toe into a big ocean right now. We've not done anything yet but it's a stepping stone approach. And I don't think he needs to because he only had the SOR in place.

Do the people you chat to know about his offence? Also you mentioned a verification process .. What is that there for? And how does it work? I get they are worried if a child shows up and what not but you're doing everything you can to mitigate that so that is in essence reason to back off...

I cannot believe they brought up your sexual life in a family court... Like line crossing right there...

Shame and repression are big demons. My partner too was a confused man, thought he was 100% gay. Turns out he's pansexual and as a bisexual women myself I too know the internal struggle. Doesn't mean I advocate for what he did, just understand that people take different routes, people's brains work differently. That's what gives us character.

Sex and the way we express it i.e. being together or even just sending sex memes for us has become quite important but it's not everything. We do share hobbies and TV shows and stuff... It used to be a shut book, a shamed topic and now it's very important for us to be honest and open with each other.

I'm so pleased that you feel he's healthy enough to avoid going down a well again, because in all honesty from start to finish it's about the worst well you can journey into and climb out of. Part of my journey is to learn my own wants and needs and not have to worry about his, it's solely been about him and if he wants to join me on my journey, which I think he needs a guiding hand to, he can. Take care of yourself Majestic, remember you don't need to perform for anyone, unless that's your thing haha.

City break are amazing as there's so much to see and do. I am hoping to go next year so if by any means we do manage to stay together or we go as friends still, I'll update you on here or something. Maybe this will have a DM button by then ...

Sorry about the cost of everything to you, both as individuals and as a couple.

Oh I'm an open book now to strangers. I really don't care what the police think of my sexual interests and I'm sure at this point my partner won't mind. If it was my family who are about as vanilla as Cornish ice cream then no. But if his probation need to see them they need to see. It's a good point though to make...

Is it difficult for you to keep it a secret ? For me personally I found it very hard, but now that everything is out to literally everyone, I'm more forward with everything else including if asked my sex life. I mean what more can happen to me at this point..

My biggest problem is getting over the shame, the shame tied to our unconventional sexual activities and it being tied to his crime. Like a 'theyre both illegal and dirty' type thing... I know they're two different things but untying your brain from that pattern of thinking is hard.