How to forgive?
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My dad was arrested around 20 years ago for possession of child pornography. I was mid-teens at the time, the knock came early one morning and I had to sit on my bed in complete disbelief while police raided the house. He had never abused me or behaved inappropriately towards me or any others that I knew of. He was contrite and didn't deny the charge, the only explaination he could offer was that he did something stupid under times of stress. He was convicted and served jail time. My mum stayed, and although shocked at the time, I also supported him unquestioningly. I now know I did not have the tools to really confront my emotions about what happened, and was rationalising his behaviour as that was the only way I knew how to survive and carry on. After he finished his prison sentence, we never spoke about it again.
A few months ago something knocked a memory loose and I realised I had completely repressed that it had ever happened. I have two young children, my mum has been instrumental in helping with their childcare and for years they have had regular nights staying over at theirs to give me and my husband a break. My mum is the one who looks after them and has dealt with all toilet/washing/sleep needs - but of course my dad is there in the same house. I feel sick that I have put my children at risk all these years allowing him unsupervised access to them. My gut tells me that no abuse has happened, I haven't seen any warning signs in the kids. He's not overly physically with them, I've never gotten any bad vibes from the way he interacts with them. But that doesn't guarantee that nothing ever would happen.
I told my mum that this has all resurfaced for me and only now am I actually dealing with how it has affected me, and that we were stopping the sleepovers. She understood, and she also told my dad, with my permission. He emailed me an apology, saying he was too ashamed to call, saying that nothing untoward has ever happened, and he would agree to whatever conditions we had if it meant still being a part of our lives. It felt genuine.
I have been processing everything raw as if it happened yesterday. The reality is that it was 20 years ago. By all accounts he has not done it since, but I could never know that for sure, or whether it's something he still thinks about. My mum has safeguarded the kids whenever they've been over there and I do trust her. I can maybe see a way to forgiving him eventually but I don't know if I can ever trust him again. The kids have noticed the lack of sleepovers and are desperate to resume their regular stays - they have a wonderful relationship with my mum and we don't want them to lose that. Even if she safeguards, is it safe? What if we stipulate that she sleep in the same room as the kids? Is it just wishful thinking?
I hope I can sound this out here and ask for your experiences and advice - thanks so much for reading.
A few months ago something knocked a memory loose and I realised I had completely repressed that it had ever happened. I have two young children, my mum has been instrumental in helping with their childcare and for years they have had regular nights staying over at theirs to give me and my husband a break. My mum is the one who looks after them and has dealt with all toilet/washing/sleep needs - but of course my dad is there in the same house. I feel sick that I have put my children at risk all these years allowing him unsupervised access to them. My gut tells me that no abuse has happened, I haven't seen any warning signs in the kids. He's not overly physically with them, I've never gotten any bad vibes from the way he interacts with them. But that doesn't guarantee that nothing ever would happen.
I told my mum that this has all resurfaced for me and only now am I actually dealing with how it has affected me, and that we were stopping the sleepovers. She understood, and she also told my dad, with my permission. He emailed me an apology, saying he was too ashamed to call, saying that nothing untoward has ever happened, and he would agree to whatever conditions we had if it meant still being a part of our lives. It felt genuine.
I have been processing everything raw as if it happened yesterday. The reality is that it was 20 years ago. By all accounts he has not done it since, but I could never know that for sure, or whether it's something he still thinks about. My mum has safeguarded the kids whenever they've been over there and I do trust her. I can maybe see a way to forgiving him eventually but I don't know if I can ever trust him again. The kids have noticed the lack of sleepovers and are desperate to resume their regular stays - they have a wonderful relationship with my mum and we don't want them to lose that. Even if she safeguards, is it safe? What if we stipulate that she sleep in the same room as the kids? Is it just wishful thinking?
I hope I can sound this out here and ask for your experiences and advice - thanks so much for reading.
Hey Anon,
Sory to hear that the trauma has resurfaced.
My suggestion, therapy... This is very old trauma that's coming back up again. And I think that's the same for me as well as the moment. We've been harrased and I'm taking some times apart from process my feelings which I never did at the time of arrest in 2020 and since then. Faith and trust are difficult things to have in someone after it's been broken.
Repressed is even worse.
Get yourself a good therapist, maybe a family therapist and sit down and talk about things together. Set goals as to where you want to go with this relationship with your father.
This is so painful to experience and I very much feel for you
Sory to hear that the trauma has resurfaced.
My suggestion, therapy... This is very old trauma that's coming back up again. And I think that's the same for me as well as the moment. We've been harrased and I'm taking some times apart from process my feelings which I never did at the time of arrest in 2020 and since then. Faith and trust are difficult things to have in someone after it's been broken.
Repressed is even worse.
Get yourself a good therapist, maybe a family therapist and sit down and talk about things together. Set goals as to where you want to go with this relationship with your father.
This is so painful to experience and I very much feel for you
Hi,
I'm sorry that you have been through this. I haven't experienced a parent offending but I can understand the reasons why people stay with partners who have offended. I am still working towards rebuilding, we have a very young daughter together and my thought process has been very much about "Does he pose a risk to our child?" "Does he pose a risk of contact offending in the future?" I wouldn't want our daughter to be in the position you find yourself in. I'm sure that your mom had these thoughts and felt confident in her ability to safeguard any children in her care. I think writing a safety plan with your mom would be a good idea for your peace of mind. You can look at age appropriate resources to teach your children how to keep themselves safe, this is a good thing to do whether you're aware of an offending family member or not.
Take some time to process your feelings and perhaps seek some therapy. Don't be afraid to ask your parents what things were put in place to ensure your dad doesn't reoffend, yes it may be an uncomfortable conversation but I'm sure that they'd rather that than losing the relationship they have with yourself and your children xx
I'm sorry that you have been through this. I haven't experienced a parent offending but I can understand the reasons why people stay with partners who have offended. I am still working towards rebuilding, we have a very young daughter together and my thought process has been very much about "Does he pose a risk to our child?" "Does he pose a risk of contact offending in the future?" I wouldn't want our daughter to be in the position you find yourself in. I'm sure that your mom had these thoughts and felt confident in her ability to safeguard any children in her care. I think writing a safety plan with your mom would be a good idea for your peace of mind. You can look at age appropriate resources to teach your children how to keep themselves safe, this is a good thing to do whether you're aware of an offending family member or not.
Take some time to process your feelings and perhaps seek some therapy. Don't be afraid to ask your parents what things were put in place to ensure your dad doesn't reoffend, yes it may be an uncomfortable conversation but I'm sure that they'd rather that than losing the relationship they have with yourself and your children xx
Hi Anon,
sounds like all the emotions you suffered at the time were locked away until recently. Probably 20 years ago these type of offences werent talked about (they still aren't talked about enough). You probably suffered way more than you let on and I think by never speaking of it has let everything bottle up.
The concerns you raise sound more like contact offending and not internet offending - 2 very different things which people (mostly men) do for different reasons. Did you Dad admit to a sexual interest in children or offended for a different reason?
Maybe meet him and speak to him about it face to face, write a list of honest questions.
Ring the helpline or have a look on StopSo for a Therapist. Don't let the children miss their Grandparents but maybe ensure supervised contact at all times while you work this out. Maybe you could have a sleep over there with them or Gran could sleep at yours ?
sounds like all the emotions you suffered at the time were locked away until recently. Probably 20 years ago these type of offences werent talked about (they still aren't talked about enough). You probably suffered way more than you let on and I think by never speaking of it has let everything bottle up.
The concerns you raise sound more like contact offending and not internet offending - 2 very different things which people (mostly men) do for different reasons. Did you Dad admit to a sexual interest in children or offended for a different reason?
Maybe meet him and speak to him about it face to face, write a list of honest questions.
Ring the helpline or have a look on StopSo for a Therapist. Don't let the children miss their Grandparents but maybe ensure supervised contact at all times while you work this out. Maybe you could have a sleep over there with them or Gran could sleep at yours ?
Thank you all so much for your responses. I am speaking to a therapist about this, in fact they are the one that recommended I look up LFF which is how I found this forum.
I'm still learning the terminology for all this, but he is/was not a contact offender - it was images of children.
We have seen my parents a few times recently at family events and I've not been able to speak to him or even look him in the eye yet, but my gut feeling is that he's not a bad person or any kind of predator. I guess I'm not sure whether I'm just being naive or in denial by feeling this. Making a safety plan sounds like a really good idea, I will look into that.
I'm still learning the terminology for all this, but he is/was not a contact offender - it was images of children.
We have seen my parents a few times recently at family events and I've not been able to speak to him or even look him in the eye yet, but my gut feeling is that he's not a bad person or any kind of predator. I guess I'm not sure whether I'm just being naive or in denial by feeling this. Making a safety plan sounds like a really good idea, I will look into that.
It isnt the same but I recently had therapy to address my repressed feelings about my dad and his affair that led to my parents divorce.
I was caught up in the myth 'time will heal, you will get over it...move on etc'- but this attitude prevented me communicating effectively with my parents. It basically ended up with me blowing up in their face ten plus years later - I essentially went back to my teen self. I can imagine the distress you are feeling from the repressed feelings coming out, and therapy is a great way to navigate these.
My therapy was alot if 'talking to my inner child', I thought at first it was a rubbish concept but in the end it worked. It gave me the chance to resurface questions I had that were never truly answered. The overall outcome was my dad and I have agreed boundaries and expectations.
I agree with the above that a safety plan could help, and since your father's offending was a long while ago maybe he or the whole family read up on the modules on stop it now site to see the latest advice and knfo on online offending. I like to think the area on prevention and awareness has improved over the 20 years, tho more needs to be done
I was caught up in the myth 'time will heal, you will get over it...move on etc'- but this attitude prevented me communicating effectively with my parents. It basically ended up with me blowing up in their face ten plus years later - I essentially went back to my teen self. I can imagine the distress you are feeling from the repressed feelings coming out, and therapy is a great way to navigate these.
My therapy was alot if 'talking to my inner child', I thought at first it was a rubbish concept but in the end it worked. It gave me the chance to resurface questions I had that were never truly answered. The overall outcome was my dad and I have agreed boundaries and expectations.
I agree with the above that a safety plan could help, and since your father's offending was a long while ago maybe he or the whole family read up on the modules on stop it now site to see the latest advice and knfo on online offending. I like to think the area on prevention and awareness has improved over the 20 years, tho more needs to be done