Raising a family with an offender
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Hello all.
I am aware that I am in the minority here but wanted to post my experience in case it could help others.
When my husband was arrested, we were a year married without children. He was subsequently charged and served prison time. Usually what my husband did does not result in a custodial but the judge wanted to make an example of him.
Anyway for many reasons that I won't go into I decided to remain with him. We have gone on to have children after a very thorough investigation by Social Services who have since closed their case.
My guidance here is that staying together and raising a family is possible, subject to many factors. It will, however, create a very specific way of living with plenty of restrictions that will lead to you having to act as a single parent. For example, although my husband is not legally stopped from going to soft play centres or the swimming pool - he does not come to these places. It's simply too risky. He is barred from entering houses with young children by his prevention order, which means he can't visit our new friends or attend children's parties. Nursery and school are other no-go areas. It's not worth the risk. This has resulted in me having to shoulder a hell of a lot of childcare on my own. Something I won't lie, makes me resentful at times. We have also had to create a back-story for our new friends to cover off why he is absent from so many social events. Yet more secrets and lies.
Sometimes I do wonder whether I made the right decision. We have lots of controls in place at home to safeguard and I made it perfectly clear I will leave with the children if there is the slightest suspicion about his behaviour. He remains my friend though with whom I have lots of history and many happy memories. He is a good dad who adores his children. Second chances can work out well.
I am aware that I am in the minority here but wanted to post my experience in case it could help others.
When my husband was arrested, we were a year married without children. He was subsequently charged and served prison time. Usually what my husband did does not result in a custodial but the judge wanted to make an example of him.
Anyway for many reasons that I won't go into I decided to remain with him. We have gone on to have children after a very thorough investigation by Social Services who have since closed their case.
My guidance here is that staying together and raising a family is possible, subject to many factors. It will, however, create a very specific way of living with plenty of restrictions that will lead to you having to act as a single parent. For example, although my husband is not legally stopped from going to soft play centres or the swimming pool - he does not come to these places. It's simply too risky. He is barred from entering houses with young children by his prevention order, which means he can't visit our new friends or attend children's parties. Nursery and school are other no-go areas. It's not worth the risk. This has resulted in me having to shoulder a hell of a lot of childcare on my own. Something I won't lie, makes me resentful at times. We have also had to create a back-story for our new friends to cover off why he is absent from so many social events. Yet more secrets and lies.
Sometimes I do wonder whether I made the right decision. We have lots of controls in place at home to safeguard and I made it perfectly clear I will leave with the children if there is the slightest suspicion about his behaviour. He remains my friend though with whom I have lots of history and many happy memories. He is a good dad who adores his children. Second chances can work out well.
I needed this today. Thank you x
Thanks for this. I don't want children but if I did change my mind it is good to know it is possible.
I was told however that if I did have a child that my partner would not be allowed to live with me and baby for the first year...which I thought was weird. This was early on into my partner's suspended sentence.
I was told however that if I did have a child that my partner would not be allowed to live with me and baby for the first year...which I thought was weird. This was early on into my partner's suspended sentence.
Confused&worried - I am glad I could help in some way. Remember to post here as much as you need. To varying degrees, we are all in the same boat.
majestictopaz - as I said, it depends on many factors. In all honesty, I think a big factor for us was that my children are both boys and my husbands offences were against girls (teenage ones at that). If I had given birth to girls, I doubt whether we'd still be allowed to live together. Needless to say, I won't be getting pregnant again.
majestictopaz - as I said, it depends on many factors. In all honesty, I think a big factor for us was that my children are both boys and my husbands offences were against girls (teenage ones at that). If I had given birth to girls, I doubt whether we'd still be allowed to live together. Needless to say, I won't be getting pregnant again.
Thanks for posting this. We have a 6 month old baby together who he has no contact with, hard to picture a happy future. Good to see a positive story for families with children
Christmas Chaos - I'm sorry to hear that your situation is like that. I know different social services put difference restrictions in place. Hopefully they will re-assess in the future. Have you and him looked at completing the Inform and Inform Plus courses? Aside from helping us personally, it also served to show social services that I understood my hubbys offences and that I was willing and able to put measures in place to prevent a relapse. At the time we had an excellent Offender Manager whose advice s/s really listened to. Sadly she retired and her replacement....leaves a lot to be desired :(
Hi all
i wanted to just add something to this. We haven't had sentencing yet. But my baby girl was born after my husbands arrest. He has never had to move out and was there at her birth and is very present in her life.
He isn't allowed to be unsupervised at the moment as per SS but following sentencing we start to work towards him having that. (Depends on the SHPO but we have the draft and we don't think it will be an issue!).
So it's definitely possible to have a happy ending. We are not at the end yet. And I'll update when we are. But all roads are looking ok at the moment.
i wanted to just add something to this. We haven't had sentencing yet. But my baby girl was born after my husbands arrest. He has never had to move out and was there at her birth and is very present in her life.
He isn't allowed to be unsupervised at the moment as per SS but following sentencing we start to work towards him having that. (Depends on the SHPO but we have the draft and we don't think it will be an issue!).
So it's definitely possible to have a happy ending. We are not at the end yet. And I'll update when we are. But all roads are looking ok at the moment.
G3 mini. Some of what you wrote resonated. We were expecting a suspended sentence and he got 18 months as his particular judge is known yo be very tough on sex offenders. But what you said about him being your friend and the happy memories. I have separated from my husband and we are in the divorce process. The offending came on top of quite a lot of other things that made me unhappy and I don't want to go through anything more and our relationship could not survive the extra pressures his offending would mean for our lives. Yet I also still care very deeply for him and like him as a person. This is one space where I don't feel I need to qualify or justify these feelings. I hope he and I maintain a friendship long term. I am not sure either of us will seek another relationship in future, I think I have done with that, which would be the thing most likely to make that difficult.
Thank you for this post! I was wondering whether it was possible to go ahead and have children and this answered questions I hadn't asked. Wishing you the very best xx
Thank you so much for this! I'm a new partner & this has been weighing on mind as I'm approaching the "geriatric mother" (lovely term isn't it) stage of the late 30s.
I do want children but in my mind I would have to wait until he was off the register, but that's 5 years away. It's something that does prey on your mind.
I do want children but in my mind I would have to wait until he was off the register, but that's 5 years away. It's something that does prey on your mind.
This gives me hope. My partner has been sent away and we haven't had kids yet. I've been in literal turmoil over it because I want kids so badly and I don't see him as a threat. I already started to question silly little things out like as you said, going to childrens soft play areas, having other children over at home... etc. I'm glad someone has explained that they managed it themselves. Although you are sometimes resentful, I hope that it's worth the struggle, I hope that you realise how far you've come for you and what YOU wanted.
G3mini
On the issue of shouldering the childcare issue, i would say that even before the knock my partner was not a hands on dad, at times more like like an absent parent, either because he went off and did other things to occupy his time or was away on business.
So there are lots of reasons why dad's may not be around (not necessarily great reasons, granted) so his absence could be easily explained away
I was very resentful of having to do so much childcare and houseworkand with hindsight should not have let him off. You will have to decide whether you can tolerate it. However you could suggest he does the lions share of the housework and the admin (sorting out insurance renewals, holiday bookings, organising appointments etc) leaving you to do the mum stuff. Not so bad taking them swimming if he has a cooked meal ready for you on your return :)
On the issue of shouldering the childcare issue, i would say that even before the knock my partner was not a hands on dad, at times more like like an absent parent, either because he went off and did other things to occupy his time or was away on business.
So there are lots of reasons why dad's may not be around (not necessarily great reasons, granted) so his absence could be easily explained away
I was very resentful of having to do so much childcare and houseworkand with hindsight should not have let him off. You will have to decide whether you can tolerate it. However you could suggest he does the lions share of the housework and the admin (sorting out insurance renewals, holiday bookings, organising appointments etc) leaving you to do the mum stuff. Not so bad taking them swimming if he has a cooked meal ready for you on your return :)
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Gemini - may I ask how long your partner served in prison? I realise every case is handled differently and as you say, the gender of the children can be important too.
Hi All,
So I am at the very beginning of this mess and I have found myself alone with a 6month old and a 9year old wondering where the hell I go from here, things are very RAW.
Husband, arrested for downloading indecent images of children (I do not believe for one moment he has hurt our children or would ever hurt our children or any other children for that matter despite his actions although I do accept the offence alone will probably mean he will be labelled a risk for the rest of his life) the police picked up on unresolved mental health issues which I have been trying to get him to address for years and I'm not making excuses for him but I do feel that the trauma etc. He has experienced in his life has contributed to him going down this rabbit hole so to speak and that he has been in a very dark place because of all his life traumas etc. Has anyone else felt like this about their husband/partner? Has anyone wanted to support them and help them to get help and support despite family and friends turning their backs on him?
Due to bail and me deciding to end things (for a while at the very least) in the hope he will get help and support for everything not just this, he has not come back home and will not be for the foreseeable future (we also have other issues in our relationship which I feel this forced separation will give us the opportunity to perhaps resolve) and the kids are seeing him supervised contact as per Social Services who have said I can supervise and arrange it but I have chosen to go through a contact centre to start with (more to appease family than my concerns as despite what he has done I don't feel he is a risk to our children). Anyway we had our first session the other day and I guess I feel like it isn't the right fit for our family, I feel we would be better arranging it between us and I supervise which is what SS said in the first place has anyone felt like this but also felt pressure from friends or family to do otherwise how have you tackled this?
Also his bail is due to be lifted as the investigation will be ongoing for months apparently, how long will this go on for? And I am pretty sure SS are going to want to put in place an agreement that he can still only have supervised contact which is fine but what happens further down the line if I decide I want to give things another go? Do we stand any chance of him ever being able to live at home again or even visit to see the kids? Or is it likely that that will be a definite no from SS etc.? I'm hoping for a future with him and our kids as a family (of course things need to change between us on certain fronts, mental health, debts etc.) But if that happens and we do work things out I am terrified that this will prevent us from ever being a family again at least properly anyway?!
I have already said no matter what happens between us and in court I still want the kids to know him even if it is supervised for the rest of their childhood but I guess I am looking for a glimmer of hope that there may still be a chance of relatively normal family life even if restricted in certain ways, am I just setting myself up for heartbreak?
I am so confused and lonely right now as people just don't understand my family are very much black and white and don't want anything to do with him at all which is fine we are all entitled to that and they're not interested in my opinion of him (baring in mind I have known him and been with him half my life and we have had alot more good times than bad) but all they see is this offence and they are making me feel like all they want is for me to completely cut him out of our lives...get rid of this, get rid of that, do this, do that, don't do this, don't do that...it's making it harder for me to process this myself!
Thanks for reading! Any advice or input would be appreciated.
So I am at the very beginning of this mess and I have found myself alone with a 6month old and a 9year old wondering where the hell I go from here, things are very RAW.
Husband, arrested for downloading indecent images of children (I do not believe for one moment he has hurt our children or would ever hurt our children or any other children for that matter despite his actions although I do accept the offence alone will probably mean he will be labelled a risk for the rest of his life) the police picked up on unresolved mental health issues which I have been trying to get him to address for years and I'm not making excuses for him but I do feel that the trauma etc. He has experienced in his life has contributed to him going down this rabbit hole so to speak and that he has been in a very dark place because of all his life traumas etc. Has anyone else felt like this about their husband/partner? Has anyone wanted to support them and help them to get help and support despite family and friends turning their backs on him?
Due to bail and me deciding to end things (for a while at the very least) in the hope he will get help and support for everything not just this, he has not come back home and will not be for the foreseeable future (we also have other issues in our relationship which I feel this forced separation will give us the opportunity to perhaps resolve) and the kids are seeing him supervised contact as per Social Services who have said I can supervise and arrange it but I have chosen to go through a contact centre to start with (more to appease family than my concerns as despite what he has done I don't feel he is a risk to our children). Anyway we had our first session the other day and I guess I feel like it isn't the right fit for our family, I feel we would be better arranging it between us and I supervise which is what SS said in the first place has anyone felt like this but also felt pressure from friends or family to do otherwise how have you tackled this?
Also his bail is due to be lifted as the investigation will be ongoing for months apparently, how long will this go on for? And I am pretty sure SS are going to want to put in place an agreement that he can still only have supervised contact which is fine but what happens further down the line if I decide I want to give things another go? Do we stand any chance of him ever being able to live at home again or even visit to see the kids? Or is it likely that that will be a definite no from SS etc.? I'm hoping for a future with him and our kids as a family (of course things need to change between us on certain fronts, mental health, debts etc.) But if that happens and we do work things out I am terrified that this will prevent us from ever being a family again at least properly anyway?!
I have already said no matter what happens between us and in court I still want the kids to know him even if it is supervised for the rest of their childhood but I guess I am looking for a glimmer of hope that there may still be a chance of relatively normal family life even if restricted in certain ways, am I just setting myself up for heartbreak?
I am so confused and lonely right now as people just don't understand my family are very much black and white and don't want anything to do with him at all which is fine we are all entitled to that and they're not interested in my opinion of him (baring in mind I have known him and been with him half my life and we have had alot more good times than bad) but all they see is this offence and they are making me feel like all they want is for me to completely cut him out of our lives...get rid of this, get rid of that, do this, do that, don't do this, don't do that...it's making it harder for me to process this myself!
Thanks for reading! Any advice or input would be appreciated.
Childhood trauma is quite a common feature in men who commit these kind of offences.
With regards to SS you have done just what they want. Try not to say that you don't think he has / will hurt your children as they will see it as minimising.
There are partners on here who want to support their OH, I am one of them. It is really hard to do though. The longer it is going on the harder I am finding it. My children are coping really well with the current situation and I am now finding it hard to see the benefits of him coming back. Like you there were problems in the relationship, unfortunately I'm not sure that they can be fixed.
You are unlikely to be "allowed" to live together again until the criminal case is completed at which point SS will probably want to carry out a risk assessment before a decision is made.
My advise is to tell as few people as possible, it's one of those things that you can't un-tell.
Take advantage of this forum, no-one understands like we do.
With regards to SS you have done just what they want. Try not to say that you don't think he has / will hurt your children as they will see it as minimising.
There are partners on here who want to support their OH, I am one of them. It is really hard to do though. The longer it is going on the harder I am finding it. My children are coping really well with the current situation and I am now finding it hard to see the benefits of him coming back. Like you there were problems in the relationship, unfortunately I'm not sure that they can be fixed.
You are unlikely to be "allowed" to live together again until the criminal case is completed at which point SS will probably want to carry out a risk assessment before a decision is made.
My advise is to tell as few people as possible, it's one of those things that you can't un-tell.
Take advantage of this forum, no-one understands like we do.
XxA&Fxx
I am in the same limbo as you, although I don't have the complication of young children (mine are adults).
I havent told any of my family other than my adult children, partner of one of them wants nothing more to do with me or my partner. Both think we should tell the rest of the family especially those who have small children as they might be "angry" if/when they eventually find out, that we didn't tell. I think this is ridiculous as my partner is operating under bail conditions (only meets young family members supervised by me) and as already mentioned, once told you can't take it back.
I've told a couple of friends and while both have been good enough not to tell me what to do it's clear they think I should leave. Before I got in this situation that's what I would have said too but I believe in my husbands plea of ignorance that the images were on his computer and if he is indeed innocent it would seem like a cruel abandonment to walk out.
On the other hand, there have been problems in our relationship for years and before this there were many times when I considered leaving so the behaviour that led to these images being inadvertently downloaded and the associated trauma has felt like a final straw. The main things keeping me where I am currently are guilt, fear of the unknown and a concern that leaving right now makes it look like I think he's guilty.
I am in the same limbo as you, although I don't have the complication of young children (mine are adults).
I havent told any of my family other than my adult children, partner of one of them wants nothing more to do with me or my partner. Both think we should tell the rest of the family especially those who have small children as they might be "angry" if/when they eventually find out, that we didn't tell. I think this is ridiculous as my partner is operating under bail conditions (only meets young family members supervised by me) and as already mentioned, once told you can't take it back.
I've told a couple of friends and while both have been good enough not to tell me what to do it's clear they think I should leave. Before I got in this situation that's what I would have said too but I believe in my husbands plea of ignorance that the images were on his computer and if he is indeed innocent it would seem like a cruel abandonment to walk out.
On the other hand, there have been problems in our relationship for years and before this there were many times when I considered leaving so the behaviour that led to these images being inadvertently downloaded and the associated trauma has felt like a final straw. The main things keeping me where I am currently are guilt, fear of the unknown and a concern that leaving right now makes it look like I think he's guilty.
Hi,
Seeing this post this morning has been a massive help for me. I have been feeling extremely stressed and down recently due to my side of the family disowning me so I feel more alone than ever. I have been on edge so much recently I think because I am stressing about what if they sentence him before Christmas and I'm alone for Christmas. I'm so scared of being alone if he get a custodial sentence. I can't be without him I love him so much and it scares me thinking about it.
After reading this post I see hope but it's been nearly two years of our lives waiting to know if he's going away or not it's been agonising I just want to get on with our lives now but sadly that will not happen for a while yet.
Sending hugs
Seeing this post this morning has been a massive help for me. I have been feeling extremely stressed and down recently due to my side of the family disowning me so I feel more alone than ever. I have been on edge so much recently I think because I am stressing about what if they sentence him before Christmas and I'm alone for Christmas. I'm so scared of being alone if he get a custodial sentence. I can't be without him I love him so much and it scares me thinking about it.
After reading this post I see hope but it's been nearly two years of our lives waiting to know if he's going away or not it's been agonising I just want to get on with our lives now but sadly that will not happen for a while yet.
Sending hugs
Hi,
Seeing this post this morning has been a massive help for me. I have been feeling extremely stressed and down recently due to my side of the family disowning me so I feel more alone than ever. I have been on edge so much recently I think because I am stressing about what if they sentence him before Christmas and I'm alone for Christmas. I'm so scared of being alone if he get a custodial sentence. I can't be without him I love him so much and it scares me thinking about it.
After reading this post I see hope but it's been nearly two years of our lives waiting to know if he's going away or not it's been agonising I just want to get on with our lives now but sadly that will not happen for a while yet.
Sending hugs
Seeing this post this morning has been a massive help for me. I have been feeling extremely stressed and down recently due to my side of the family disowning me so I feel more alone than ever. I have been on edge so much recently I think because I am stressing about what if they sentence him before Christmas and I'm alone for Christmas. I'm so scared of being alone if he get a custodial sentence. I can't be without him I love him so much and it scares me thinking about it.
After reading this post I see hope but it's been nearly two years of our lives waiting to know if he's going away or not it's been agonising I just want to get on with our lives now but sadly that will not happen for a while yet.
Sending hugs
Thanks for this. My ex has unexpectedly moved back to be close to our son, I have no doubt that he is Not a risk to him (11yrs) and have seen a massive difference in his mental health since he has been back in his life. Ss are doing a risk assessment his shpo says he can't be around children unless specifically in writing by ss . Has anyone been successful with this ? I'm worried he won't be allowed to see him alone until he's 16 which is the worst case senario. Thanks in advance
xX_A&F_Xx
I resonate so much with your post. We are now 18 months since the knock and court and SS all by with. (Possession of IIOC) At the time of the knock I had a 12yo Step child, a 10yo and a 3 month old baby.
It certainly hasn't been an easy ride, most of my family want nothing to do with my partner and voiced their opinion of me making the "wrong" decision to stick by him. It has to be your choice, it's your life and your family, nobody gets to decide that for you.
Since then we have went on to have another baby so now currently 2 teens and 2 under 2. My partner lives seperately just now as there are Step children and other family involved so it's just easier to try keep everyone happy. It's tough and really can feel like a single parent at times but my point is it can happen.
It's not how I visioned family life to be but for now it works for us and the kids are happy.
If you aren't keen on the contact centre and worried about what your family will say I'd suggest going down the route of telling them you want to do supervised contact yourself in an environment the kids are more familiar with. You do what's right for you and the kids.
Please know you aren't alone, it can feel a very lonely path some days but I found this forum really helpful in the early months.
I resonate so much with your post. We are now 18 months since the knock and court and SS all by with. (Possession of IIOC) At the time of the knock I had a 12yo Step child, a 10yo and a 3 month old baby.
It certainly hasn't been an easy ride, most of my family want nothing to do with my partner and voiced their opinion of me making the "wrong" decision to stick by him. It has to be your choice, it's your life and your family, nobody gets to decide that for you.
Since then we have went on to have another baby so now currently 2 teens and 2 under 2. My partner lives seperately just now as there are Step children and other family involved so it's just easier to try keep everyone happy. It's tough and really can feel like a single parent at times but my point is it can happen.
It's not how I visioned family life to be but for now it works for us and the kids are happy.
If you aren't keen on the contact centre and worried about what your family will say I'd suggest going down the route of telling them you want to do supervised contact yourself in an environment the kids are more familiar with. You do what's right for you and the kids.
Please know you aren't alone, it can feel a very lonely path some days but I found this forum really helpful in the early months.
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Hi Positive1993,
There is some really great advice on here, I no there is some horror stories about ss, but u can live together, it has been done, it might be slightly different to start but if u both work on things there is no reason why it can't be normal.
I would just say, make sure they understand u put ur child/children before ur oh, but be very clear on wat u want, I.e if u want to live as a family then tell them that is ur end goal.
I would have had ss walk all over me if it wasn't for this forum, and while I'm not quite where I want to be ( hubby home full time with us ) I'm a lot closer since standing my ground after joining this forum.
I hope this helps
There is some really great advice on here, I no there is some horror stories about ss, but u can live together, it has been done, it might be slightly different to start but if u both work on things there is no reason why it can't be normal.
I would just say, make sure they understand u put ur child/children before ur oh, but be very clear on wat u want, I.e if u want to live as a family then tell them that is ur end goal.
I would have had ss walk all over me if it wasn't for this forum, and while I'm not quite where I want to be ( hubby home full time with us ) I'm a lot closer since standing my ground after joining this forum.
I hope this helps
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Hi Positive1993,
OK well just gather as much as u can, work on safety plans and wat courses u can do to show u r being a proactive parent and show that u take wat he has done seriously, if that makes sense.
When u get her report let us no and we can see wat help we can give then xx
OK well just gather as much as u can, work on safety plans and wat courses u can do to show u r being a proactive parent and show that u take wat he has done seriously, if that makes sense.
When u get her report let us no and we can see wat help we can give then xx
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Hello all,
Its interesting to read different peoples experiences as unfortunately mine has been very different. My partner at the time was arrested when our daughter was only 3 months old. She turns 3 this year and not much has changed. I haven't been allowed to supervise contact which has been a great struggle and has meant many lost memories we should have shared together. It is only now that im about to do the inform program that i may have a chance to supervise him. There is no talk of re-integration into the family home just more of the same. Meetings every 6 months and ss visits to every 14 wdys.
I care deeply for my now ex partner as hes been in my life for 10 years. I wish i could see a way through the mess but as this is 2 years after sentencing (suspended sentence) i feel hopeless alot of the time. The affect its now having on my daughter is heartbreaking.
Its interesting to read different peoples experiences as unfortunately mine has been very different. My partner at the time was arrested when our daughter was only 3 months old. She turns 3 this year and not much has changed. I haven't been allowed to supervise contact which has been a great struggle and has meant many lost memories we should have shared together. It is only now that im about to do the inform program that i may have a chance to supervise him. There is no talk of re-integration into the family home just more of the same. Meetings every 6 months and ss visits to every 14 wdys.
I care deeply for my now ex partner as hes been in my life for 10 years. I wish i could see a way through the mess but as this is 2 years after sentencing (suspended sentence) i feel hopeless alot of the time. The affect its now having on my daughter is heartbreaking.
Hi ladies, ( sorry just assuming)
Listen if I still had my first sw then I could completely agree on she said he would never ever be allowed home, and we then after sentencing got put on cpp, again at the time it didn't seem good.
But after having lots of meetings doing more work with a support worker and then the inform course, and hubby doing work with his probation worker, we went from never being allowed home, off cpp and he is allowed over night stays. I learnt it all from here, I told them I was not prepared to wait 10 years until my hubby could come home, ( youngest was 8) once their 18 ss don't want to no. It is hard working, but u have to stand ur ground even seek legal advice, I think NOT SURE so don't hold me to it, but ur oh would need need to seek legal advice as ideally its them who want to come home.
I didn't have the fight in me at the time to fight for him to come home as it had been a tough few years but, we would just need to be reassed, when I've got the fight to do it.
You need to look for the threads about ss and get as much info as u can, unfortunately the lovely person who was good on this has sadly left the forum
Listen if I still had my first sw then I could completely agree on she said he would never ever be allowed home, and we then after sentencing got put on cpp, again at the time it didn't seem good.
But after having lots of meetings doing more work with a support worker and then the inform course, and hubby doing work with his probation worker, we went from never being allowed home, off cpp and he is allowed over night stays. I learnt it all from here, I told them I was not prepared to wait 10 years until my hubby could come home, ( youngest was 8) once their 18 ss don't want to no. It is hard working, but u have to stand ur ground even seek legal advice, I think NOT SURE so don't hold me to it, but ur oh would need need to seek legal advice as ideally its them who want to come home.
I didn't have the fight in me at the time to fight for him to come home as it had been a tough few years but, we would just need to be reassed, when I've got the fight to do it.
You need to look for the threads about ss and get as much info as u can, unfortunately the lovely person who was good on this has sadly left the forum
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Hello, I don't know where to start, we had a knock on the door 19 months ago because my oh took a picture of our son (medical reasons) he got put on bail for 28 days but could return home afterwards. Still under investigation. Last week I had a call from ss saying they would like a meeting with me and police, I said was this for me and my oh she said yes. I went to the meeting on Thursday where the police informed us it was only meant to be me (my oh left the room) I was informed my oh has imagines from all cateries on his phone but the investigating office was on a course and won't be speaking to my oh for at least 3 weeks. I'm a complete mess if I'm honest. He is still in my home as he has no other support other than me. I have a meeting with ss on Monday. My job is a manager at a contact centre and I know how to supervise contact. I have 5 children 18,10,9,5,3 the 2 youngest are his. I'm scared if he is made to leave he will have noone and will most likely end his life. I was wondering if another oh have been able to stay in the house with this all happening or do I need to start to help him look for a little place for him. He has a lot of mental health problems and has boarderline personality disorder ptsd all from his childhood.
I'm so scared xx
I'm so scared xx
Hi Devils,
You would be best posting this on the main page, as that's where everyone tends to go, I can't help with that unfortunately as my oh wasn't allowed to live with us, but we are now seeking to be able to get him home on a transition stage xx
You would be best posting this on the main page, as that's where everyone tends to go, I can't help with that unfortunately as my oh wasn't allowed to live with us, but we are now seeking to be able to get him home on a transition stage xx
Devils, I would advise you be careful how you come across to Ss. By being so supportive of your OH they will see it as minimising and judge your protective abilities. Priorities your children to them. Make it clear that if its a choice between him and them, they win.
I am speaking from experience, I was threatened with care proceedings. Be prepared for him to have to leave.
I am speaking from experience, I was threatened with care proceedings. Be prepared for him to have to leave.
Hello I'm 21 and have a 2 month old with my husband 35 he has no convictions and isn't under investigation but we've been told to live separately as there was an accusation he was found not guilty for and indecent images which was no further action we want to know if they'll be a happy ending as we're working with social as we have supervised visits and had a lucy faithful assessment that went bad. He's a moderate to chronic risk we need help on veing a family.
Hi,
This is quite an old post so you might get more advice if you start your own thread. I've got a few questions, you don't need to answer them as this is a public forum but it's things that I would be considering in your situation.
Was the accusation a contact offence? Has he admitted the indecent images to you? How long have you been together? When you say that the LFF assessment was bad was it on both of you so his risk level and your capability to protect?
Looking just at the paragraph you have written there are quite a few red flags and I'd say that ss are correct in being cautious. Obviously I don't know how they've behaved with either of you but purely from a safeguarding perspective with two investigations and a risk assessment that is so high and such a young baby I would say that living apart and supervised contact is the best thing for now.
Look after yourself and baby, focus on that for now. When you're ready and in the right headspace do research and whatever courses you can to help you to fully understand risk. I was pregnant when my partner was arrested, our daughter is now 3 and we don't live together yet. Partner and daughter have an amazing bond, yes our family dynamics are different to what we pictured but our daughter is safe and thriving and we're mostly happy in our new normal. Don't rush into things, there's a difference between standing up for yourself and being headstrong without the research to back it up, ss will be looking for signs that you are aware of the risks involved and can protect your baby xxx
This is quite an old post so you might get more advice if you start your own thread. I've got a few questions, you don't need to answer them as this is a public forum but it's things that I would be considering in your situation.
Was the accusation a contact offence? Has he admitted the indecent images to you? How long have you been together? When you say that the LFF assessment was bad was it on both of you so his risk level and your capability to protect?
Looking just at the paragraph you have written there are quite a few red flags and I'd say that ss are correct in being cautious. Obviously I don't know how they've behaved with either of you but purely from a safeguarding perspective with two investigations and a risk assessment that is so high and such a young baby I would say that living apart and supervised contact is the best thing for now.
Look after yourself and baby, focus on that for now. When you're ready and in the right headspace do research and whatever courses you can to help you to fully understand risk. I was pregnant when my partner was arrested, our daughter is now 3 and we don't live together yet. Partner and daughter have an amazing bond, yes our family dynamics are different to what we pictured but our daughter is safe and thriving and we're mostly happy in our new normal. Don't rush into things, there's a difference between standing up for yourself and being headstrong without the research to back it up, ss will be looking for signs that you are aware of the risks involved and can protect your baby xxx
A & F, I just wanted to respond quickly to say that I chose to supervise contact at home against opposition from my family, because I felt it was in the best interests of my children (OH arrested re IIOC - we're still waiting on forensics). I did try and patiently explain my decision, including that I was engaging with SS and specialist advice, but ultimately I just had to power through their objections. It does hurt though as the implication is that you won't protect your children. My two are 9 and 12 and I do make sure that contact is their choice - I always ask them in advance if they want dad to come over and they know they can say no, but they've always been very close to their dad and want to see him.
Devils, this is going to be hard to hear, but you may have to make a choice and that choice has to be your children. I think the hardest part of this is accepting that a person that close to you may well have a sexual interest in children, and may also pose a risk to them. Its really really horrible, but its what SS will be looking for (and I get why). I'd imagine it won't help that he seems to have been dishonest, given the images seem to have come as a complete shock to you. I'm so sorry - it really is horrendous.