Family and Friends Forum

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I'd agree with what Daffodils has suggested.

Although I imagine it will be hard to talk to your brother about this, I think it will be beneficial in helping you understand what has and hasn't happened and why he may have done this. Although it may be hard to ask some of the questions, the answers to those questions are likely to be the ones that allow you to know how you move forward (whatever that might be) with something that you feel comfortable with. He might welcome being asked some question and an opportunity to explain himself.

Perhaps also write questions down you want to answer, just to help you get them clear in your head. It might be quite an overwhelming and emotional conversation so this might help you keep focus on asking the questions you need.

You might benefit from calling the helpline to just talk it through.

Supporting your brother is both brave and kind, and will most likely be of great help and comfort to him.

Reaching out to talk things through is really important. So much runs through our minds. I want to pick up on one thing. Your relationship with your daughter is not at risk because of your emotions. She is one and she will sense that you are feeling sad or angry or up or down. She will learn from you that these emotions are part of life and you will show her ways to deal with these emotions. It is natural to want to protect her from challenging emotions, but actually accepting suffering as part of life is a huge part of developing resilience.

You can try pretending everything is okay - denial is a really useful tool at times and can help us keep our heads down and soldier on through dark times. I would suggest though that it is a very temporary fix. Maintaining that level of pretence is damaging in the long run for everyone. It is okay as a mum not to be okay. You can role model ways of dealing with suffering and as your child gets older and you explain your processing she will learn how to cope with things well.

Wanting to hide your emotions from your mum suggests, perhaps, that you were shown by her that hiding emotions helps others. I know my own mum is from a generation where sharing emotions is seen as burdening others. It might be time to try things a different way and see if sharing and communicating how you feel might move the situation forwards.

Wishing you the best x

Just to say I am going through similar with regards to my mum having been very involved in childcare and having the children over and now that's had to stop. After a while to process we've been able to come up with other ways she can help, such as picking the kids up from school and taking them to the park/shops, then coming directly back to ours, or her coming over to ours to babysit for an evening/night. When your daughter is older, if you have any friends with children of a similar age, or any families your kids go to school with that you get on well with, you might consider sharing the school run or a semi-regular arrangement of having their kids over for the evening/night and vice versa. There will be options, and you will find them.

I'd really recommend seeking out a therapist experienced in this area, to help you process it all.

Good luck figuring things out and if/when you talk to your brother about it. It doesn't have to be a big confrontation and it doesn't have to be a "one and done" discussion.

I wiuld like to add that if your brother finds it hard to talk to you about what has happened and the reasons why, sometimes communciaton can start by letter writing to each other. You are already half way there if you have put your questions in writing and sometimes its a good way to get communication started.

Take care of yourself x