Family and Friends Forum

Morning all,

I'll try to keep this brief and to the point but apologies if I go off on a tangent because I'm furious.

So, I posted before about meeting po and visor the other week. Probation deemed that we present as though in a relationship so put a referral in to ss which in itself is fine but she has included messages on his phone saying I love you and I miss you, she has not checked his phone in six months so I'm annoyed that she refused to wait for my child to have finished their exams before putting in the referral stating that she couldn't work to my timescales and that my children were at increased risk and it was a safeguarding issue. Two of them don't have contact and little one on a safety plan and we only see him once a week.

She has now said to him on Monday that she believes I don't fully understand the impact and severity of his offending. We didn't discuss this at our meeting at all as it was me asking questions around risk assessments that have been done and others about moving forward. I am two years in nearly and have many conversations with my ex/partner around his offending and it's impact on victims. The only thing that I can think of that would make her think this is the fact that I questioned who she was safeguarding by not waiting the ten days. I couldn't get my head around how safeguarding a baby who only has supervised contact was more important than safeguarding my middle child's emotional wellbeing at a crucial point in his life.



My experience of discussing the offending with professional agencies is that they don't disclose much anyway and I believe that I know the extent of offending so I didn't see much point in going over old ground in my questions to them. She also seems to be adding conditions to him not on his shpo, I asked about family events meaning weddings and funerals. She said this was fine but any smaller gatherings would require approval from her and ss. This isn't on his order so I'm wondering if this is a standard thing or a sign that perhaps she doesn't know his conditions and could potentially be letting her own opinions cloud her ability to be professional.



I now feel a bit concerned that if she has voiced her feelings around me not understanding the impact and severity will it be taken more into account than my new safety plan and all the work I've shown her that we've both done. I also want to follow whatever their complaints procedure is but don't want to make things awkward for my ex. So deflated because part of me wanting to meet them was to show them that I am strong, will always put my children first and that me supporting him in any capacity was a positive thing for him and rehabilitation. Now I wish I'd not requested the meeting as it appears transparency only works one way and I fear it has had a detrimental effect on his ability to engage with probation. Help please, what would you do? xx

Thanks. She doesn't give out her email address to non professionals apparently. I'm waiting for a copy of the referral that she sent over so I will contact the family rights group then. Thank you for the advice xx

Issue with po. PSR not the issue as we are 17 months post sentence. Were you meaning the comment made about his restrictions on his shpo and po seemingly added her own in?

Edit: probation saw messages between us but didn't put referral in then, waited until after the meeting but decided it was too urgent to wait for my child to sit his exams xx

Thanks Lee. That's interesting that she should never have checked his phone. I have so many things that don't sit well with me. She actually said to him that her and his visor are concerned that he doesn't watch porn. My mind is all over the place waiting to see what she has said in her referral. I think for now I'm going to make notes of everything that feels off to me, gather whatever evidence I can and then raise a complaint with her senior after speaking to the family rights group. I know that he is reluctant for me to lodge a complaint because he'll still have to have monthly meetings with her and he's worried that she'll make things difficult for him. I'm trying to explain to him that engagement doesn't mean lying down and accepting everything that someone in authority says to you without challenging it. I will continue to fight for proper support and rehabilitation for offenders and families impacted, we have a voice and a right to a normal life xx

Yes he does have a porn addiction although nearly two years without watching it. Visor said in our meeting that if he sees it as a bad thing then starts watching it his brain may respond as though he is offending and it will break down that barrier. Think po is just echoing this tbh. Current arrangement is supervised by myself and his parents but I was going back to them to request that I supervise as his parents were only there as I hadn't seen him since he was arrested and was unsure how I would cope mentally with that. The messages she says show an emerging relationship which would be a "massive change" and increase the risk to our daughter. It's ridiculously messed up because I'm taking things incredibly slowly both for myself and my children. I wouldn't see him with little one any more than would be sustainable if we choose not to pursue a relationship and my other children still live with me and want no contact xx

I actually told her that what she was saying wasn't helpful and gave the example of an alcoholic. It fell on deaf ears because they obviously have their own thoughts and feelings on this subject. She also said that he poses less risk if he is "managing himself " whilst we're not in a sexual relationship which at the time I thought it's not worth challenging but do they believe that these offences were because he wasn't stimulated enough? My head can't cope with the amount of bull they talk because they assume we don't know anything xx

I know they're doing more damage. I'm so conflicted between wanting to educate them and not wanting anything else to do with them. Also very aware that any complaints I put in whilst going through the ss assessment could be seen as me throwing a tantrum because things didn't go my way. I'm confident that I will be allowed by ss to supervise, she sounded like she had no concerns and was just a case of doing her assessments and having it signed off by her manager but again you never really know until they get back to you xx

From what I can gather not a massive amount of understanding but a definite willingness to learn. Had never heard of LFF or stopso so I've given her the website details so she can read about the course he's done and the one I'm currently doing. She's yet to make contact with him which does bother me because I met with her over a week ago. She is a different one to the one I originally had as he moved on not long after closing my case. She seems nice enough but we only spoke for an hour so not long enough to really make a proper judgement. Thank you for your replies today, I have shifted from raging to sadness about the way we as family and innocent people are treated. I will always try to educate as many people as I can about the fallout of these crimes in the hope that it changes things for families in the future. I wish we could openly voice our experiences without the need for the dramatic titles the media love to give programmers or articles about this. We are people, not statistics, targets or click bait and we don't deserve this xx

She didn't actually say what assessments she was doing tbh. The initial one did what I presume was a family one as he spoke with my children. Scored 8/10 at a time that I would have scored myself a solid 2/10 lol. This one met my older two in passing but oldest is over 18 and she said she doesn't need to speak to middle one as it's not his dad and they don't have contact. I would love to have the means to pay for independent risk assessments for both of us so we never have to have this intrusion again but unfortunately I think as I can't give them a definitive plan on how things will go over the years I've resigned myself to having to deal with professionals for a while yet.
I completely agree that visor should have a greater level of understanding. Apparently her background is as an investigating officer in these offences xx

Thanks Lee. I did mention Steve Lowe to the sw and also gave her the things that I would be wanting to know if an independent assessment was done; risk to our daughter, risk of contact offending and risk of reoffending. She took note of this as I'd said that ideally I'd like to know this before committing to having couples counselling and ultimately making decisions about our relationship xx

Thank you for your input LFF as someone else may have a loved one who is on licence and this could have resulted in an unnecessary complaint or animosity. My person is not on licence and was not made aware that it was voluntary although I will check the language she used when asking him to hand his phone over. Perhaps she said do you mind if I check your phone now which can be interpreted as him voluntarily handing it over or from his perspective could have been interpreted as now as opposed to later in the meeting xx